Guest Posted November 13, 2006 Posted November 13, 2006 I've had this friend for over five years now....we were in fact best friends...but things changed recently...Ever since we moved in together things have been going down hill... Although she has apologized for many things that she has done in the recent past...I can't seem to trust her anymore....yes i'm still a little upset for how she and her boyfriend treated me, but very little...but all in all....i feel pretty forgiving as far as not being very angry at them (i'm still healing from the big conflict)...things just feel very unresolved because she dislikes discussing things... Communication is a really big thing for me...and I've made it pretty clear that I'd rather discuss things than to run away and hope conflicts fix on their own....My question is...should I still be good friends with this person...even if she is unwilling to communicate at times I feel are very important?...She's always ran away from conflict, unless she's doing the confrontation... Also, do you always have to make sure the other person is completely ready to talk about issues before disscussings things? What if they're never ready to discuss things, or you get so resentful while waiting for them to be ready to discuss issues? I've tried to talk to her about things i felt were bothering me and she would later state that I was forcing her into conversations...but i always tried to stay calm and constructive, never raising my voice or calling her names...she just really dislikes it when people point out things that she does wrong...(she's admitted this herself)...
Yamaha Posted November 13, 2006 Posted November 13, 2006 It depends on if you can handle immature people.
YellowLioness Posted November 13, 2006 Posted November 13, 2006 if she refuses to communicate, and this is something you feel you need to further your friendship with her then a) you need to change how you see her or b) you need to change yourself. It's pretty obvious she's not going to change. After all, she has the upper hand, and she probably won't want to give that up just to be friends with you (she is fairly immature, right?) Best friends should never room together. It's too painful when things go wrong, and when you're around someone 24/7, things are bound to go wrong. If you really want to save the friendship, I'd consider moving out and finding a roommate that you're not so close with. Often, those situations work out much better. Hope this helps
lizzielou Posted November 20, 2006 Posted November 20, 2006 Maybe you can write her a note or email, telling her how you're feeling or thinking? That way she may not feel like she is being put "on the spot" and can think about it and respond or approach you when she feels comfortable. I agree with YellowLioness though -- good friends becoming roomates is usually a bad idea. I've seen quite a few friendships end because of situations like yours.
Tete de poulet Posted November 20, 2006 Posted November 20, 2006 I've had this friend for over five years now....we were in fact best friends...but things changed recently...Ever since we moved in together things have been going down hill... Although she has apologized for many things that she has done in the recent past... Communication is a really big thing for me...and I've made it pretty clear that I'd rather discuss things than to run away and hope conflicts fix on their own....My question is...should I still be good friends with this person...even if she is unwilling to communicate at times I feel are very important?...She's always ran away from conflict, unless she's doing the confrontation... Also, do you always have to make sure the other person is completely ready to talk about issues before disscussings things? What if they're never ready to discuss things, or you get so resentful while waiting for them to be ready to discuss issues? I've tried to talk to her about things i felt were bothering me and she would later state that I was forcing her into conversations...but i always tried to stay calm and constructive, never raising my voice or calling her names...she just really dislikes it when people point out things that she does wrong...(she's admitted this herself)... Two observations: 1) THe fact that she has apolgized to you for some things is HUGE to me. I too value communication and I also value when a person can say, "sorry" so do not be too quick to give up on the friendship. 2) Perhaps you are doing too much of the talking and not enough listening. Maybe your friend has some feelings and things to say, and when she says that you are forcing her into the conversation, perhaps you are just forcing it your way. Maybe you could initiate something and let her spill her guts to you a little first.
silentalways Posted November 20, 2006 Posted November 20, 2006 some women simply cannot do the very things they ask [demand] from their partner/lover/soulmate/lifelongbestfriend/companion/sexmachine/parent? well, to be honest, i have only known one such woman and, personally, it is such a huge turn-off and shows an utter lack of respect. my ex was a little of both - we talked and shared everything at first and then it got weird. anything i said was viewed within the settings of power and control and manipulation. think about that? someone loves you and is trying their best and they turn around and tell u you are manipulation then, welding power over them because you want/need control [this view leads to someone seeing your actions as abusive]. gawd - what a horrible thing to say to someone. i think people get confused about these issues. for example - if i send my gf a surprise gift at work because i want her to know i think she is special - is that manipulation? yes - but its all good right? now, say, someone is making you jump threw hoops and is threatening to pulll the plug on the relationship [nice eh] and you flip and flop trying to find the right answer [there never is one when your partner 'tests' you] - is that manipulation? yes - but - again the cause is good. i once dated someone who would work as a team, then after she would hang with the nazis for a couple of days, whatever i said was 'power and control' - then she would decompress and come back to reality. now, my last gf never ever saw me as doing that. she worked with me to 'show' how my methods came across that way, and did so subtly so i could figure it out myself and tell her and we would both be overjoyed. i think the next worse thing in my books is someone that 'reports' or 'tells' events that never ever include their side of the picture and are just mean. i was reading an online journal of an ex i had long ago and during our relationship i became extremely depressed and did some weird things and she claimed that she wasn't 100% sure i was actually depressed! wow! when i saw that and every other word that was only intended to sting - i found my way to 'move on'. i don't think i will ever see her the way i once did after that.
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