Guest Posted November 12, 2006 Posted November 12, 2006 I have just stumbled upon this site, and it is a weath of information. I had no idea there were so many people in a similar situation - or that could offer constructive advice to those involved in affairs (willingly or unwillingly). So I am going to post my story. It is mostly over now, so I feel comfortable letting it out. I want to see what others have to say - the good, the bad, and the ugly. Let me start out by saying that I am a traditionally moral, upstanding citizen. Raised Catholic, no criminal record, always floss before bed, etc etc. I consider myself a good person, and even after all of this, I still do. A few years ago, I answered an ad on a popular BB/classified site in the US - everything from yard sales to personals to job listings. This particular post was in the casual encounters section, so right off I know the underlying motive. At the time I was 23, just out of school and just out of a relationship. Lonely, frankly - and something about the ad struck my eye -- it was well written and thought out (unlike most of the other postings). I responded. He responded back - and though I didn't know he was married when I first emailed him, within a few emails he came clean with that information. I probably should have just stopped there. But, again, I was a naive 23-year-old with a big void. Stupid void. Against better judgment, we met for a drink at a local restaurant. We hit it off right away. Totally hit it off. He is about 16 years my senior, but you never would have known (I have always been a bit old for my age). I was expecting to be put off by all of this, but I was only drawn in. The chemistry was almost instantaneous. I forgot he was married. Literally forgot. My mind and my hormones took over. Nothing happened that day, but we parted ways and shared a kiss in his car. A few days later, he messaged me that he was going on a business trip a few hours away, and asked if I would like to accompany him. I was so intrigued and so fascinated with this guy, I did. And it was an incredible night. In every way, shape and form. Just unbelievable. The connection I found with him on a physical level was bar-raising. I don't know how else to explain it. After a few meetings, I was convinced he was my sexual soulmate. I kept meeting him despite the guilt just for the sex. It sounds SO incredibly superficial and stupid (and it was) but I just about couldn't help myself. I wasn't seeing anyone, and he was convenient. I simply blocked out the part about him being married, and we never discussed it. We met and agreed it would be sex only. No strings. No emotions. A few weeks into the thing, I moved across the country. At the time, I figured that would extinguish the flame - we were thousands of miles apart and it was for the best. If I didn't have the willpower to stop, the distance would make me stop. I was actually relieved to be out of it - relieved I wouldn't have to summon the willpower. A few months later, he emailed to say that he took a new job that would have him travelling west on a regular basis. My heart jumped. For months I had been without it, and now my little addiction to the sex was suddenly back. And now he was going to show up at my doorstep checked into some posh hotel in a great city. It was almost too good. Never once did I look at this as an affair (although his wife would have disagreed). He was in a sexless marriage and I was single with a very real need. We just fit. I didn't want anything more from him. He now lived safely across the country, so it seemed like it was an even better situation than before. We met every 6-8 weeks for the next two years or so. Fast forward to this past February. On one of our trips (to a location a few hours outside of where I live, but a business destination for him), he looked at me and told me he loved me. That he knew that wasn't our arrangement, but it just happened. To be honest, I knew he did. I responded in kind. No, it's not a healthy loving relationship the way one would ideally define it - but in our moments together, in our shared nights and our passion, it was definitely love. We formed a special bond - a very emotional bond - and I don't think either of us were looking for such or expected as much. I didn't go in looking for love, and I know that he loves his wife. But after years of a mostly physical relationship, certain crises in our respective lives brought us together emotionally and we became very close. Have you ever seen the movie, "Same Time, Next Year"? I was living a similar situation, except it was more like Same Time, In Two Months. We had been together nearly three years when I woke up one day and realized I was going to be 27 and single. I had been so busy with the move and work and life I didn't notice. I literally woke up one day and decided I had no shot of successfully meeting someone else while I was in love with a married man (to say nothing of the fact that I would have been cheating on whomever I did meet). The thing with the MM had gone on so long I almost didn't want it to count. I wanted to just keep it going - it was good. I looked forward to his visits. We both filled a void. But now we were talking love, and the more I cared for him, the more I checked out. I was thinking more and more about his wife (i.e. - before it was just sex, now it was emotional - I felt like I was doing more damage). I thought about his kids, whom I have never met. I know he has an aversion to monogamy, and so do I - but I didn't want to be the one to break up his marriage. If he was doomed to get a divorce, it needed to be for other reasons. I didn't want the guilt. I still don't. So I simply told him that I wanted to move on. That I was having trouble concentrating on my own potential love life (because I am not 23 anymore..) and that I was growing uncomfortable with the fact that he is married (and please, no hate mail here - it always bothered me, but somehow it was bearable when it was just sex. When it became an emotional thing, I really started to squirm). We ended it at the end of September, and I miss him dearly. I know I made the right decision - we talked about it, and agreed that it was the responsible thing to do. In my heart of hearts, I hope he is taking the time he put into me and investing it back into his marriage - into rekindling his relationship with his wife. Do I know that he is doing this? No. Once a cheater, always a cheater is a true statement. He and I often think alike, and I am sure he will get involved with someone else down the line. I know he has had multiple liaisons, but no other true "affairs". No other emotional affairs. And neither have I. I think this relationship (he and I) was a bit of a wake-up call for both of us. So that is my story. 26, and already ending an affair with a married man. In some ways, I wish we'd never met. In other ways, he has had a profound impact on my life. A positive impact. So I am mixed. Yes, I feel very guilty. I grew up Catholic so the morality thing hits home. But I also can't help but feel I am a better person for having had him in my life. We shared, we laughed, we cried, we made love. It was a very beautiful thing born out of deception and lies. And it's a situation I never, ever, ever thought I would be in. But I was. Just wanted to share this with other women who may be thinking about getting into a relationship with a married man, or who are in on (or have gotten out). The short term benefits may be incredible, but in the long run the potential pain and suffering you may cause his wife, family and you and he is not worth the pleasure. It took me three selfish years to figure that out, and I walked away in the end. Yes, I got hurt - but I can't cry about that too much because he told me he was married on day 1. So it is heartache I have to deal with. I know I will be better once I have this all behind me - for now I still have strong feelings for him. Sometimes I think about sending him an email - perhaps meeting up with him next time he is town. But then I realize it is so comfortable I will wake up and be 30 and single with nothing to show for it but a secret affair with a married man I can never have. We all lose there. Especially me. Hope this strikes a chord with someone. I feel better for writing it all down. Cheers.
oh_what_am_I_doing Posted November 13, 2006 Posted November 13, 2006 Thank you for sharing. My parents have been married for almost 29 years, and a few years ago he had a two year long emotional affair with a woman our age. Surely it was/is hard on all three of you. What I really wanted to comment on, though, was your statement, "We had been together nearly three years when I woke up one day and realized I was going to be 27 and single." Well, I'm going to be 28 and am still unmarried. I'm in a relationship that doesn't seem to be going anywhere (Do you think I should take him seriously when he says that he doesn't think we'll ever get married, however he cares about me too much to end it and get it over with?) I'm glad it isn't just me whose biological clock is ticking. I always thought I'd be married by now. Where does the time go?!
Jane Doe Posted November 13, 2006 Posted November 13, 2006 Thank you for sharing your story and being so candid. You'll get no flames from me. By your writing I can tell you're a very intelligent, articulate woman. You deserve more than what you've settled for. You've made the break; now keep it. If you go back you'll lose all credibility and you'll open yourself up for major heartache. You will be one of many for this guy. Yes, you may have been special but he'll go on to have more affairs. You deserve someone you can be with in all ways. Don't settle for less. Also, you might want to get tested for STDs. This guy sounds like he's spread himself around quite a bit.
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