The LAst Straw....

[nofoolnomore]

Hey- just to let you know- I have been there. I was with a MM. He even left his W for me. But he just wanted someone to fill a gap. He cooked a ready meal for my birthday- and that was after I broke up with him and he was trying to woo me back!!!! No chance.

We deserve better. You are 25. Young! And the whole world is ahead of you. It WILL get better. I promise.

Time is the greatest healer of all. Cheesy but so true.

 

Just a question.

 

how hard was the after effect that he left he wife? did his treatment towards you changed?? was it resentment?? just curious because i often wander trying to do to pro & cons... & yeh... it crosses my mind...

 

I am doing everything i can to distract me... as in study/work & going on holidays on December... =) for two weeks... REALLY TRYING TO MOVE ON..!

[kellyp1]

I fight for a sense of normal everyday. I went through the whole stage of wondering why fate let me fall in love with this guy. I have had married men pick up on me my whole life (never once did anything about it or felt anything about any of them). I met this guy and everyone from my parents to friends said that this was the perfect guy for me (most of them said it before they knew he was married) and I agree. If I could have built the ideal man that I have always wanted, I would have made this guy. We have a lot in common and a few differences that would have made for a great life together. But I also know part of what makes him who he is has to do with his conviction and his committment to things.

 

If I really love who he is, it also means accepting that he could never leave his wife, even if things were horribly wrong. The most pain I have ever felt was the conversation we had where we agreed we had to let the romance between us die. It was a pain I had to feel though. The sadness was just my heart saying that my feelings were real. I, like you, will get through this and hopefully he and I will be able to maintain a lifelong friendship at the end of the day.

[nofoolnomore]

I fight for a sense of normal everyday. I went through the whole stage of wondering why fate let me fall in love with this guy. I have had married men pick up on me my whole life (never once did anything about it or felt anything about any of them). I met this guy and everyone from my parents to friends said that this was the perfect guy for me (most of them said it before they knew he was married) and I agree. If I could have built the ideal man that I have always wanted, I would have made this guy. We have a lot in common and a few differences that would have made for a great life together. But I also know part of what makes him who he is has to do with his conviction and his committment to things.

 

If I really love who he is, it also means accepting that he could never leave his wife, even if things were horribly wrong. The most pain I have ever felt was the conversation we had where we agreed we had to let the romance between us die. It was a pain I had to feel though. The sadness was just my heart saying that my feelings were real. I, like you, will get through this and hopefully he and I will be able to maintain a lifelong friendship at the end of the day.

 

THe thing is i dont think i can ever be "just friends" w/ MM... havent spkn to him in months... apparently he has been TOO BUSY... My friend just emailed me telln me she saw him w/ the W over the weekend....

SOoOo... basically its telln me that they are tryn to work things out rite??

i dont understand how claims that we are so perfect together & yes other ppls think that too... because they see the way we communicate... PPL that are MM& W friends....by the way...& he not do he can to be w/ me... if you love someone... to leave wont be easy rite??.. you cant just do that... i guess he got used to coming & going when ever he pleases.....thats what irrated me .. i let my guard down FOR ONCE..! this happens... i jsut dont know if his feeling were true.... if ever...

[kellyp1]

it doesn't matter if his feelings were true or not. I know a lot of men that are still pining for past loves but would never let her know. Men need to show appearances of being stronger. But that is neither here nor there, you need to take care of you. You sound like you are in a lot of pain and need to tap into your strength to feel better. It will come with time but getting out there and meeting people will help. Plus posting is also therapeutic. Let the healing begin.

[Guest]

How long have you known this MM? Tell me a little about your relationship with MM.

Amy

 

 

 

Hi All,

 

I just thought id vent as i have no other outlet to do so.

 

Over the Weekend was my birthday... YOu would think it would be <b> one of the best days of my life<b/> as i turned 25. Was not...

This year was the first year MM didn't call me to greet me happy birthday.

Stupid to whine yes. i know... BUT it doesn't change the face it hurt.

 

I am now letting go.... I cant go through this again... IF you LOVE someone you would want to spend the special day w/ them, right?

 

I want to be happy.... i just don't know where to turn to find that... going through this crap alone.. you would think ill be used to it..

 

Please Help...

[sb129]

After he left his wife the practical things DID get alot easier with regards to seeing eachother, meeting eachothers friends and family etc etc.

But the issues that we both brought to the relationship never left.

We lacked trust, and respect. Secretly I thought "he did this to her so whats to say he won't do it to you?" which is pretty destructive.

He was really insecure and I think he was convinced that I would leave him which I think was down to guilt on his part.

 

I also think once alot of the secrecy was gone, and once we achieved that "ultimate" goal- we realised we didn't have as much in common as we thought, and didn't even really like eachother that much.

 

Every relationship is different, this was my experience... maybe it will help you assess yours tho.

[sb129]

also- just read the TOO BUSY bit.

TOO BUSY??? Too busy to contact you? (who he has proclaimed feelings for)

 

I think this guy is the classic getting his cake and eating it too- you need to FORGET about him. You will be a MILLION times better off with someone closer to your own age who is at a similar stage in life as you. I met a new guy online recently he is two years older than me, we are at similar places in our lives and we have similar goals and ambitions, NONE of which involve hurting anyone else such as wives, kids etc. Its amazing. And I haven't looked back at my MM since. He is HISTORY. And my friends are practically cracking the champagne in celebration. (they thought I was utterly bonkers for continuing to be with ex when he dumped so much s*** on me) Listen to your friends. they see what you don't sometimes.

 

Too busy is the biggest copout BS line in the world. It takes TEN seconds to text someone if you really want to.

Sorry I am really MAD for you. I KNOW it hurts. I know you are sad and missing him etc.

but it DOES get better and you are better off without him.

Please be strong!!!!

[nofoolnomore]

How long have you known this MM? Tell me a little about your relationship with MM.

Amy

 

I used to work w/ MM [ its funny as most A starts of that way].

i have known him for about 3 years. A on & off for 2 years...

 

Our "feelings" were discovered by other ppl b4 we even knew... i think its was the way we used to talk to each other... he used to tell me that he loved my childish nature & how i find everything so exciting... i never used to the be the type to see the glass half empty.... until now...

 

We met for the first time @ my cuzzin place where he did his lilttle investigation to find where i would be on the Friday nite... needless to say it all commenced.... & every Friday Nite Even Saturday i would be w/ him... how he got out i dont know... we used to go danicing w/ my friends... my friends know his as my friend & at that stage that was all...He even talked to my mum telling her how great i was & blah blah.. mum loves him...!

 

Yes, i know the W.... the thing is the W hated be b4 m & MM started to talk as in talk talk... dont ask me why.... ppls know me @ work as being loud & very direct....yet, liked.... conversations came easily to me....

 

The A was discovered by the W via the phone bill MM was tryn to hide... Me & MM & the W talked... no, i said nothing..... The W was started to call me names & MM was defending me [ surprising..!] she then turned her attention to him.... & i saw what the marriage was like... MM looked like a lost little boy.... from that day on i saw him as a weak person... & told him so...

we said our last goodbyes.

 

I got a promotion a couple of weeks later & changed my cell #... i dont know how but MM tracked me down... no we dont have the same group of friends.... still a mystery to me.... we started to talk again.. & eventually the A started again... I have lost basically all my friends at this stage on the basis they thought i was lyin to them [before we got caught]....& proceed to spread the word... I now know who my true friends are.... because they know how happy i WAS w/ him...

 

oddly enough it was them & there actions prompted me to ensure that i dont back down... a couple of months later i got a another promotion & MM also...

 

The past couple of months the A has been differnt as in... im irrated easily & MM is less considerate then he used to be..... since nearly every phone call turns into an arguement, he stopped calling... . i wasnt gonna call him... i have already deleted his number a long time ago in the mist of one of our arguments..... passion is there for sure...=)

 

UmmMmm... i cant think of anymore...

[nofoolnomore]

After he left his wife the practical things DID get alot easier with regards to seeing eachother, meeting eachothers friends and family etc etc.

But the issues that we both brought to the relationship never left.

We lacked trust, and respect. Secretly I thought "he did this to her so whats to say he won't do it to you?" which is pretty destructive.

He was really insecure and I think he was convinced that I would leave him which I think was down to guilt on his part.

 

I also think once alot of the secrecy was gone, and once we achieved that "ultimate" goal- we realised we didn't have as much in common as we thought, and didn't even really like eachother that much.

 

Every relationship is different, this was my experience... maybe it will help you assess yours tho.

 

One question that MM asked me was " If i was to do something, how do i know it would work between u & me"... this of course irrated me & basically i told him that if wasnt sure about me than he knows where the door is...

at this stage i still had the upper hand in the A.....

 

MM basically the same... He is more stubburn BUT i think that comes w/ the gender... [ sorry boys =) ] .. wheather or not it would have workes if he did leave... PRob Not... BUT i would have loved to place that to the test & see if anything that came out of his mouth was true..... at this stage its all assumptions.... I HATE NOT KNOWING...!!! but i think i need to accept it...

 

I too would lack trust, most bcoz i know what he was capable off.... BUT i lacked trust now... in friends & lovers... mostly because of what i have been through...but i dont think that would go anywhere soon.....

 

Maybe there is a S out there w/ a built in tracking device...? lolz... will be more easier...!!!

[nofoolnomore]

also- just read the TOO BUSY bit.

TOO BUSY??? Too busy to contact you? (who he has proclaimed feelings for)

 

I think this guy is the classic getting his cake and eating it too- you need to FORGET about him. You will be a MILLION times better off with someone closer to your own age who is at a similar stage in life as you. I met a new guy online recently he is two years older than me, we are at similar places in our lives and we have similar goals and ambitions, NONE of which involve hurting anyone else such as wives, kids etc. Its amazing. And I haven't looked back at my MM since. He is HISTORY. And my friends are practically cracking the champagne in celebration. (they thought I was utterly bonkers for continuing to be with ex when he dumped so much s*** on me) Listen to your friends. they see what you don't sometimes.

 

Too busy is the biggest copout BS line in the world. It takes TEN seconds to text someone if you really want to.

Sorry I am really MAD for you. I KNOW it hurts. I know you are sad and missing him etc.

but it DOES get better and you are better off without him.

Please be strong!!!!

 

Actually, since writing here... i am starting to feel much better

 

THANK YOU ALL..!!! .... i guess i have always felt that i was all alone & that i was the idiot that fell for sappy lines... =)

 

I know my friends would do exactly the same.... They would be really happy becoz they know how hurt i was... they do not know im still there... i have become a good actor that for sure..... To this day they still want to hit him for what he has done..... haha... given the chance & the right mood i can assure i am very capable of doin that myself... =) [jks]

[sb129]

You go girl! Have some self worth- there is always someone out there for you.

 

And surprise surprise. After I wrote that last post, my ex MM called me up today to wish me a safe trip (am off to NZ today).

 

And I felt absolutely NOTHING.

 

I didn't even feel happy that he is "ill".

I just wished him luck, thanked him for the good wishes and ended the call.

 

There was a time that I was so low I self harmed and needede antidepressants- and I got thru it. You can too.

xx

[Jane Doe]

sb129, you are an inspiration! I'm glad you're doing so well now.

[nofoolnomore]

You go girl! Have some self worth- there is always someone out there for you.

 

And surprise surprise. After I wrote that last post, my ex MM called me up today to wish me a safe trip (am off to NZ today).

 

And I felt absolutely NOTHING.

 

I didn't even feel happy that he is "ill".

I just wished him luck, thanked him for the good wishes and ended the call.

 

There was a time that I was so low I self harmed and needede antidepressants- and I got thru it. You can too.

xx

 

 

*UPDATE*

 

Thank you all once again. i am sorry for not writing in the forum for the past couple of days/weeks... i just needed time to collect my thoughts...

 

Through my process of self discovery. i now know i can live w/o MM... HEY! he was never really there... im tryn to concentrate on the neg points that i chosse to ignore B4 BUT now im making into my Chi CHi... My forte to move on...

 

Bad points such as..

 

* Weak

* COncentrates on himself most of the time

* A follower

* possessive

* Made me fall for him

* Made my mum love him

* Constant lies & "half" truths

* He was never there when i need him

* His inability to multi task

 

I know that it would take more than this list for me to move on. & to forget that 2 years i have wasted. i need to try rite?

 

I wanna be happy....RIGHT.. I have alot to offer someone. Hey, B4 MM got in the picture... he had to poke the boys w/ a stick to keep them away.. hahahahahahahahaha

 

One thought that keep on floating in my mind is the concept " WHAT IF MM CALLS LIKE TOMORROW? HOW WILL I REACT?..." becoz i serz dont know how i would handle that... im playn strong now... BUT this is not my test...

 

The Suceed & be champion.., you need to overcome your fear & say BLEH..?! got ya..! i want to have to day. the courage to tell MM "LOOK WHAT YOU GAVE UP...?!"... smile & walk away.... that image just made me happy... =].. small things aye....?

[sb129]

Stay strong, and I hope its working out OK for you

[BeenThere22]

The "too busy" thing isn't really a cop-out. It's the truth. The reality is that you're with a guy who has a wife and an entire life that doesn't involve you. It's really easy to think that you're the focus of his thoughts and his priority but you're not. If this sounds harsh, it is. But it's the reality I had to face myself. The reality that her Christmas is being spent with someone else. That nobody in her life has a clue that I exist. That I have never had the opportunity to be out with her in a social setting or talk to any of her friends. Et cetera et cetera.

 

You are a sideline. You're there when he has time and when he doesn't you fall to the wayside. You may think he's a good guy and everyone does have some good in them. But if you want someone who will be there when you need them and treat you as a priority in your life then this is not the guy.

[sb129]

Oh beenthere22- how familiar all that sounds... That was me a year ago. Man it was crap. Its only when you get out of such a soul destroying situation do you realise how bad it is.

Luckily THIS Christmas I am with the most amazing guy in the world who is not married, has no kids, and treats me like a queen. And man do I appreciate his amazingness! Not letting this one go....

x

[pureinheart]

Hi All,

 

I want to be happy.... i just don't know where to turn to find that... going through this crap alone.. you would think ill be used to it..

 

Please Help...

 

You said it right there. I WANT TO BE HAPPY....scream that to yourself until you really will follow through.

 

Find the happiness in you first....sure relationships make us happy, but we must find who we are, and what we want.

 

Do you have a relationship with God? Turn to Him and let Him find you the right person....who knows, the person you find might be you!

 

Noone ever is used to hurt and abuse, they just tolerate it....

[pureinheart]

*UPDATE*

 

 

The Suceed & be champion.., you need to overcome your fear & say BLEH..?! got ya..! i want to have to day. the courage to tell MM "LOOK WHAT YOU GAVE UP...?!"... smile & walk away.... that image just made me happy... =].. small things aye....?

 

 

Just as a suggestion....the above quote got me right back into situation w/MM....that was my hurt talking....I needed to feel better about me....honestly, the best way is No Contact at all for any reason, that is if you really want to save your own life.

 

I'm just gonna be straight up and don't mean this to be uncool, but it is the truth....you are a side deal to him, not the main dish....he doesn't really care ....he cares about him, himself and him....

 

I am done with MM and thought at one time he would be loosing a lot also by loosing me....nope, he lost his side deal and that's it....there are more side deals out there....

[Nofoolnomore]

Just as a suggestion....the above quote got me right back into situation w/MM....that was my hurt talking....I needed to feel better about me....honestly, the best way is No Contact at all for any reason, that is if you really want to save your own life.

 

I'm just gonna be straight up and don't mean this to be uncool, but it is the truth....you are a side deal to him, not the main dish....he doesn't really care ....he cares about him, himself and him....

 

I am done with MM and thought at one time he would be loosing a lot also by loosing me....nope, he lost his side deal and that's it....there are more side deals out there....

 

... Hi All,

 

Just came back from Holiday... =]] & it was an eye opener... for sure...

I just went w/ a couple of my friends... Sooo Yeh.. i needed the away time...

 

I have not heard from MM & dont expect to hear from him... THIS IS THE LONGEST WE HAVE GONE NOt TALKING... So, Yeh... I'm okay but...I did see him walking the streets b4 i left to o/s... he doesnt even know i went...unless my friends told him...i just packed & left... Seeing him down the streets i looked @ him & visualise his face... [its habit]... i thought of all the faults that i have seen BUT chosse to ignore... & it did help BUT i still get the lil pang in my heart of wanting to run to him.... stupid aye?? I know he saw me.. but i just kept on walkin as if he was another stranger in the street...

 

IN my trip. i thought of all the emotional headache i went through for the past 3 years... & all the WHAT IF's i just needed to get answers too.. [ still havet]...

 

Thanks for all your support, for my push for a new begining...

 

I found this quote..

 

"...It's not a day on the calendar. Not a birthday, not a new year. It's an event, big or small, something that changes us. Ideally, it gives us hope. A new way of living and looking at the world. Letting go of old habits, old memories . . . What's important is that we never stop believing we can have a new beginning. But it's also important to remember that amid all the crap . . . are a few things worth holding on to..." [Greys Anatomy]

 

I often wander if things at MM is still the same....It amazing how we learnt to be actors aye?... To put a facade so in the public eye all iss good... when it is not BUT we are too scared to face the fact - this is me....

 

I belv in GOD. & i know that he will bring to me what is suppose to be mine...

& i have time to wait..=)

 

I have no intention of going back to MM... & i know that God will continually test me through temptation.... - Time for me to see how strong i really am..