Parents of pre-teens..

[amaysngrace]

She had an F on her report card in Social Studies, then she raised it to a D+. Ummm...does that deserve praise from me?? She was proud of herself. But, to me...a D doesn't deserve praise.

 

A D+ means she raised her grade a lot. She went from failing to a high D. She is only points away from a C. I would praise her. She gave it good effort.

[Touche]

Hey Toto. There's no such thing as threadjacking on MY thread. I want everyone to feel free to talk about any and all issues regarding your kids. It's helping me and I'm sure it's helping others.

 

I agree with Grace. I see your point Toto but I do reward any progress on my son's part. What I would do though is tell her that the reward will be MUCH greater if she gets it up to a B say. See what I mean? The reward gets greater to match the greater effort expended.

 

I really see what you're saying though about not wanting to reward the bad grade but you're not rewarding the bad grade. You're rewarding the EFFORT and progress made. Make sure she knows that. And tell her if she can put even MORE effort and raise it to a B that the reward will be even greater. And as a mom, you know what that reward would be. You can even ask her for ideas. I do that with my son sometimes. Of course he comes up with ridiculous nonsense like he wants a Lamborghini (told you 10 going on 35!) for raising a C to a B in Math...Sheesh.

 

So try that and see.

[amaysngrace]

 

I really see what you're saying though about not wanting to reward the bad grade but you're not rewarding the bad grade. You're rewarding the EFFORT and progress made. Make sure she knows that.

 

Yeah it goes along the lines of thinking that when they finally make their own beds, and it looks like a mess, under no circumstances should you go straighten it up.

 

Otherwise they will lose confidence in their abilities and not bother anymore if you are displeased with the outcome.

 

Praise all effort (this works for men too ).

[luvtoto]

A D+ means she raised her grade a lot. She went from failing to a high D. She is only points away from a C. I would praise her. She gave it good effort.

Will do!! It just seemed weird to praise D's.

[luvtoto]

You can even ask her for ideas. I do that with my son sometimes. Of course he comes up with ridiculous nonsense like he wants a Lamborghini (told you 10 going on 35!) for raising a C to a B in Math...Sheesh.

Already am doing that. She has wanted a nose piercing ever since school started. But, I just keep holding out for a C in that class. But, yet she's trying.

[amaysngrace]

Will do!! It just seemed weird to praise D's.

 

Yeah and it seems weird to praise a dilapidated-looking bed too. But do you want her to keep trying? Or discourage her?

 

I'm telling you, men are like this too. You have to make a big deal out of the little things, or they'll never get to the point of where they want to do the big things for you.

 

Moral of the story: men are like children in many ways

[luvtoto]

Welcome to my world, my son is 14 and he's driving me nuts, he is exactly like you described! He is in all honors classes this yr but is barely even trying and he does not care. He has been grounded on & off (more on) for FIVE MONTHS and it's not getting any better.

When I was that age, the more I was told to study by my parents, the more I didn't. It was an act of rebellion. My grades sucked in H.S., but then after I grew up a bit, went to college, I was on the Dean's list. Some kids just go through their phases of rebellion.

[Touche]

Yes, Toto. I agree. It's a matter of maturity as well as discipline sometimes. I was just like my son was at that age (payback time as my mom says) but I did do better in HS and in college I had a B average. Never made anything under a B in any of my classes.

 

Nose piercing? Are you letting her?

 

And yes, Grace your right about men! I've often said how they need "training" and I get bashed for saying that...whatever. My husband has me trained too! Ha ha!

 

Just had another meltdown with the boy! Almost threw myself out the window during homework check! But I threatened him. I told him that if he didn't straighten out immediately and pay attention I was calling his best friend's parents to tell them that M won't be able to attend their son's b-day party. That did the trick. He went from screaming and ranting to completely cooperating with me. Why didn't I think of that one sooner? I would saved myself SO much grief.

 

I thought of all of you when I was in the middle of it all with him. I thought if they could see all this now they WOULDN'T believe it...well maybe you guys would. It was bad.

 

Anyway, I'm decompressing now. I made it through...phewwww!

[luvtoto]

Nose piercing? Are you letting her?

Yes. They are so damn tiny that you can barely tell they are there. They are cute. I told her this is it until she is 18!! It isn't the same as getting your lip done or your eyebrow. A nose stud is a bit more fashionable.

 

 

 

I told him that if he didn't straighten out immediately and pay attention I was calling his best friend's parents to tell them that M won't be able to attend their son's b-day party. That did the trick.

 

It's funny how they perk right up when they are threatened with a realistic threat. I told my son once that if he didn't get his homework done for school tomorrow, I would not buy him that game he wants so bad. He stayed up till 10:30 working diligently on it, I was sleeping in bed. Haha!! I offered to help him earlier in the evening, but he refused.

 

By the way, threats only work if you are consistent and carry through. So only threaten wisely. My son knew that I had better things to spend my money on than his game. So, I meant it!

 

AND another thing..my daughter is not a pre-teen. haha.

[Touche]

Yes. They are so damn tiny that you can barely tell they are there. They are cute. I told her this is it until she is 18!! It isn't the same as getting your lip done or your eyebrow. A nose stud is a bit more fashionable.

 

 

 

 

 

It's funny how they perk right up when they are threatened with a realistic threat. I told my son once that if he didn't get his homework done for school tomorrow, I would not buy him that game he wants so bad. He stayed up till 10:30 working diligently on it, I was sleeping in bed. Haha!! I offered to help him earlier in the evening, but he refused.

 

By the way, threats only work if you are consistent and carry through. So only threaten wisely. My son knew that I had better things to spend my money on than his game. So, I meant it!

 

AND another thing..my daughter is not a pre-teen. haha.

 

 

Ok, nose piecing but don't let her get a tatto ok?

 

And you're right about threatening wisely. I've been guilty of threatening and then not following through with the threat when I needed to. That's the WORST thing you can do because then you lose all credibility (and respect0 because they don't take it seriously anymore. So that's been an area I've been working on. CONSISTENCY is KEY as has been brought out by you guys. I REALLY needed to hear that. I mean I knew that of course but thanks guys for reinforcing that for me.

 

Toto, you said you're daughter isn't a pre-teen? Didn't you say she was 11? My husband and I had a whole stupid debate because I was telling him about this thread and your responses and he said that our son isn't really a pre-teen. I said at 10 1/2 he WAS. And then our son piped in and said he wasn't yet! I thought from 10 to 12 was considered "pre-teen" but they didn't agree. They said 12 only. And my son said he's really "pre-pre teen."

 

What?

 

Was I wrong?

 

Did I just go off-topic on my own thread?

 

Anyway, thanks guys! Keep venting and giving your tips, ok?

[RecordProducer]

Change your attitude! You sound tired and hopeless.

 

Take a deep breath, re-charge your batteries with some faith and optimism and you'll see how the right path will be lit up.

 

You DO have the capacity to handle this, but you need to find the answers inside you. Start with some good attitude. Wake up in a good mood and tell yourself: "Today will be a great day!"

 

Self-discipline, the hardest and coldest human feature imposed by necessity, is the best friend of emotional peace and happiness.

[luvtoto]

Just this week, I took my daughter in for her appointment at her psychiatrist. My daughter has bi-polar. Anyway, I told the Dr., in front of my daughter, that I am just WORN OUT by her actions. The Dr. told me that was probably not the best thing to say in front of my daughter.

 

I guess it's not so good to let your kids know that they exhaust you. Makes them feel in control or something.

[Touche]

Just this week, I took my daughter in for her appointment at her psychiatrist. My daughter has bi-polar. Anyway, I told the Dr., in front of my daughter, that I am just WORN OUT by her actions. The Dr. told me that was probably not the best thing to say in front of my daughter.

 

I guess it's not so good to let your kids know that they exhaust you. Makes them feel in control or something.

 

True Toto. But it's ok. I don't think it's such a BAD idea for your kid(s) to see that you're human. I mean they know they're pushing all your buttons. What's so bad in showing them that you're NOT happy about that. Why should you hidle your true emotions.

 

It doesn't matter to that you're daughter is bi-polar. She will never understand the consequences of her actions and behaviors if you're not honest about they impact you. After all, aren't you the closest person to her? If she can't see that from YOU, then how will she function on her own in the REAL world some day?

 

Do you think that people will sudenly dismiss all her actions when they find out she's BP? No. Teach her NOW. She has a chemical imbalance of some kind. But her brain is functioning just fine as far as having a conscience, isn't it?

 

Teach her right from wrong. Don't hide your true emotions.

[luvtoto]

True Toto. But it's ok. I don't think it's such a BAD idea for your kid(s) to see that you're human. I mean they know they're pushing all your buttons. What's so bad in showing them that you're NOT happy about that. Why should you hidle your true emotions.

 

It doesn't matter to that you're daughter is bi-polar. She will never understand the consequences of her actions and behaviors if you're not honest about they impact you. After all, aren't you the closest person to her? If she can't see that from YOU, then how will she function on her own in the REAL world some day?

 

Do you think that people will sudenly dismiss all her actions when they find out she's BP? No. Teach her NOW. She has a chemical imbalance of some kind. But her brain is functioning just fine as far as having a conscience, isn't it?

 

Teach her right from wrong. Don't hide your true emotions.

Good point, Touche!

[ilmw]

Just found this THREAD...

 

Nice to see...I'm not the only one being driven nuts by a preteen

 

Good/interesting insight too... thx all

 

ilmw

[Touche]

Thanks, everyone!

 

I can't tell you how much you've helped me already.

[lisapizza]

I do want to ask you though, does he have a male figure in his life? Why do you think he's suddenly rebelling?

 

Yes, I'm sorry, I didn't include that but yes, my husband & I are in this together!! We have had a rocky marriage for a while but we have always tried to make him accountable for his actions. Now it's getting out of hand.

He's always been very bright and this year (because of his FCAT test scores) he was placed in all honors classes.

 

He could care less though, I wish I was that smart at his age & had parents to help me when I got home from school. I think kids now a days expect to get away with everything.

 

I wish I had a dime for everytime I heard him say "My friends parents don't always ask about their homework or where their going" At times I think we have expected too much out of him at an early age ( he was reading at almost 3rd grade level in kindergarten.)

 

But, to answer exactly why he's suddenly rebelling?? I haven't a clue. But then again I look at other kids and their parents say, "Just thank God he's not on drugs!"

 

That is also true too.

[lisapizza]

Change your attitude! You sound tired and hopeless.

 

Take a deep breath, re-charge your batteries with some faith and optimism and you'll see how the right path will be lit up.

 

You DO have the capacity to handle this, but you need to find the answers inside you. Start with some good attitude. Wake up in a good mood and tell yourself: "Today will be a great day!"

 

Self-discipline, the hardest and coldest human feature imposed by necessity, is the best friend of emotional peace and happiness.

 

OMG! Please don't tell me you wake up and think like this everyday!

 

I don't think she sounds tired and hopeless, just in need of some advice from parents that are experincing the same things as her.

 

...Don't get me wrong, it's good to wake up in a good mood, but once your teenager starts with the smart mouth & attitude on everyword you say then acts like he wishes you weren't around, that great attitude you woke up with might change really quickly. (that's why I go to the gym as much as humanly possible and take yoga classes every once & a while.......to keep my sanity)

 

Oh, I forgot to mention I have a seven yr old boy and a 3 year old girl too!!

Just pray for me folks..... (LOL)

[Touche]

Hi Lisa. Yes, I get the "my friend's parents" line all the time. I just tell him I don't care about what they do. We have our own way of doing things.

 

Wow, you've got your hands full with two others too! I couldn't do it. One's enough for me!

 

Hang in there with your son. Fourteen is a tough age. He's on his way to becoming an adult and is testing boundaries. Just try not to lose it with him. He sounds like a basically really good kid. Keep firm and consistent and everything will be ok.

 

As far as RP, it's ok. She meant well but you're right. I don't wake up with a bad attitude. And I'm not tired or hopeless. I just sometimes have moments when I think I just can't do it. What parent hasn't felt that way, right? But it's not my overall attitude at all.

 

Well, keep coming here to vent, ok?

[melodymatters]

Funny how we all have different standards ! My daughter ( 13) did what I requested of her for the year, so she " earned" her lip piercing. I couldn't watch, yuch ! But i was very ANTI nose piercing !

 

 

I also am like " No tattoes, and no more piercings while you are under my roof" !

 

We live in a rural area of florida so she is excited to be moving to the myrtle beach area where it seems kids are a little more " hip" .

 

Lets hope she thrives and meets friends who are " cool" but not TOO cool !!!

 

Good luck with your offspring everyone !!

 

Melody

[Touche]

She listened to you for a WHOLE YEAR? Wow! She must have REALLY wanted that lip piercing!

 

But you're right about the standards thing because I would in NO way allow piercings or tatoos of ANY kind. I wouldn't even care where it was. But hey, I don't put down those who allow it. I just won't and never would allow that at all.

 

My son has a friend who is allowed to cross a busy avenue by himself. I won't allow that either. We do allow our son now to go off to meet his friend in the neighborhood but he's not allowed to cross that avenue. So the friend has to always cross over to meet our son.

 

Yes, different standards. But we as parents have to decide what we feel is right for our own children. I don't judge the parents of that boy. I'm just not comfortable with the idea of him crossing that busy avenue so I won't allow it.

 

Funny about the whole move Melody. We're moving soon from a "hip" area to a small, small town where it's just way more innocent. I think it's going to be a very good move for our son. He may resent it later as a teenager but I don't care. We do what we feel is best for him. Yeah, I hope they're not TOO cool over there!

[Mattcat]

I'm having a serious meltdown. My child is wilful and obstinate...has an answer for everything. EVERYTHING has becme an issue to argue over...from what's for lunch to it's time to study to you name it! EVERYTHING! Is this normal?

 

Does your kid around this age, argue with you about EVERYTHING? I can't take it anymore. I want to have more pleasant interactions with my bright, sweet smart and funny son but it's getting increasingly more difficult.

 

I guess I just need other parents to talk to now. I honestly don't think his friends are this way with their parents but who knows?

 

He's very lazy and I have to spoon-feed him during homework and assignments. I've pulled back at times to try to get him to be more independent but then he fails. I don't know what to do. What's the right balance to strike here?

 

I've tried punishments/rewards..everything. He'll be fine for a little while and then right back to where we started.

 

Any help/advice would be very much appreciated. Even if you have the same issues and just want to vent with me. ANYTHING! I'm at my wit's end.

 

Have you tried asking him?

[Touche]

Have you tried asking him?

 

Ha! Ha! Asking him WHAT? He's the child and we're the adults. I hate the nouveau way of parenting...sorry.

 

Of course we've have done everything and are continuing to do everything to make this move as easy on him as possible. We let him pick his room but are we going to let him decide where and when and if we move? Of COURSE not...in fact he's been against it ever since we started talking about it. But he's slowly coming around. We took him recently to go look at what will be his new school and he almost broke a smile.

 

Anyway, no we aren't the kind of parents to "ask" our child when it comes to the big decisions.

[Touche]

Ok, sorry Matt I thought you were responding to the post about moving.

 

What is it I'm supposed to "ask" him in your view. Ask him to do what he's supposed to do? HA! Tell me another one! No. That doesn't work. Children have to be TOLD for the most part. Asking is for wimps. Asking ensures you'll get a child who has NO respect for you.

[lisapizza]

Asking ensures you'll get a child who has NO respect for you.

 

Well, I have to back you up on that one! Everytime I ask him, "Can you do me a favor and" (Do somekind of chore), he'll say "no, I don't feel like it." Then I have to politely rephrase my request to... (Without blowing my stack) "Ok, do it right now or else". But he's definately pushing those buttons every step of the way!!