Parents of pre-teens..

[hotgurl]

Nothing really changed for us until we created our, "Chore Chart".

 

They all have revolving chores to do every month with a reward system.

 

When they follow it, most times everything is peaceful and clean, and everyone is generally in a good mood.

 

The chores chart also has rules to obied by.

 

Rule #1 is the hardest of all, but most important, so much so that it's punishable by a week's grounding in the room, no phone, sattelite or internet...

 

Rule #1: ALWAYS, show respect for each other.

 

Moose what cnsquences/rewards do you have on your chore chart?

[Moose]

But anyway, are they clear on what that means?

Oh yeah, we've drilled it into them that they are to treat their siblings, parents, and others they way they would want to be treated. When they slip up, we're very carefull and precise to show them the err of their ways.

Moose what cnsquences/rewards do you have on your chore chart?

Just as an example, if they don't park the 4-wheelers, or bikes where they're supposed to, they get grounded from them for a week. Or if they miss a chore during the week, no payday on Fridays. (They each get a 20 dollar bill if all of their chores are done).

 

We keep track by using check boxes and they have to have either mine or Mrs. Moose's initials in each box for verification that the chore did actually get done. We do give them a final chance on Friday afternoons to catch the ones they didn't get.

 

There are other perks too like after school snack, a soda pop here and there, they can stay the night at a friends, or have a friend over at our place....

 

Different requests from the kids come up from time to time, but we're carefull about replacing one reward with another to fair across the board.

 

It's takes a little managing, but it works.....

[Touche]

That's good Moose. I have a similar thing set up with our son too. It's a three strikes and you're out kind of deal. There are consequences for each strike he gets with the 3rd strike in one week having the most severe consequences. (Grounded for weekend, no TV, early bedtime.)

 

Hotgurl have you tried something like this? It's helped a LOT. I just need to step up to the plate more and actually GIVE him the strike when he starts arguing. Yes, that's been my problem. It really helps me to vent here. I see that that IS the problem. I usually warn him too many times. I need to give ONE warning and that's it..and then just give him the strike.

[Moose]

That's good Moose. I have a similar thing set up with our son too. It's a three strikes and you're out kind of deal. There are consequences for each strike he gets with the 3rd strike in one week having the most severe consequences. (Grounded for weekend, no TV, early bedtime.)

 

Hotgurl have you tried something like this? It's helped a LOT. I just need to step up to the plate more and actually GIVE him the strike when he starts arguing. Yes, that's been my problem. It really helps me to vent here. I see that that IS the problem. I usually warn him too many times. I need to give ONE warning and that's it..and then just give him the strike.

Yes, consistency is paramount.

[Ariadne]

Hey Touche ,

 

I'm having a serious meltdown. My child is wilful and obstinate... Is this normal? Does your kid around this age, argue with you about EVERYTHING?

 

I guess it is normal. My son as a pre-teen never had that problem about being obstinate, but I always let him do whatever he wanted anyway.

 

I guess I just need other parents to talk to now. I honestly don't think his friends are this way with their parents but who knows?

 

Oh, as they get bigger they want to do things their way more.

 

He's very lazy and I have to spoon-feed him during homework and assignments.

 

My son is the laziest. And me too the feeding, but when he plays video games. And can you believe my son never did homework in all of his life?

 

I've pulled back at times to try to get him to be more independent but then he fails. I don't know what to do. What's the right balance to strike here?

 

What do you mean more independent?

 

I've tried punishments/rewards..everything. He'll be fine for a little while and then right back to where we started.

 

Oh, I've never done that with my son. He's never been punished. And I get him what he needs, but if I get him something big I tell him is because of how good he is.

 

Any help/advice would be very much appreciated. Even if you have the same issues and just want to vent with me. ANYTHING! I'm at my wit's end.

 

Oh, just relax you Touche.

 

Ariadne

[amaysngrace]

Yes, consistency is paramount.

 

I couldn't agree more. Set clear boundaries and be consistent. If you cave, you are seen as a joke. So don't fall for puppy-dog eyes. Or crocodile tears either. It's just a ploy to them.

 

Remember we use to try that crap too? At least I know I did.

[Touche]

Yes, thanks Moose and Grace. I know what I have to do. It's hard though. But I gotta do it. I will NOT take the easy way out like you have Ariadne. Sorry to say that but it's true.

 

You asked how I'm trying to make him be more independant? By having him be responsible for his homework. I mean by him sitting there and doing it without me being right next to him. I will check it only. Not sit with him. I want him to do chores on his own without my having to remind him many times. That's what I mean.

 

Why has your child never done homework, Ariadne? Was it never assigned or you just didn't make him do it? You think that has anything to do with why he's failing now? I don't my son to go down that path. I want him to be responsible and know that there are rules and consequences for breaking them.

 

If I "relax" as you say, I end up with a child who is a failure. I didn't wait until I was in my 30's to have a child that I will raise to be a failure. Sorry. I can't relax. No good parent can RELAX.

 

How is it that you've NEVER had to punish your son? How do you justify that? Please enlighten me as to how that is supposed to work.

 

And how's that workin' for ya? (stolen from Dr. Phil) Is he a success in school? Or is he failing? Does he have a job? Because at 16 my son better be working for the things he wants. Does he have goals?

[amaysngrace]

I know what I have to do. It's hard though. But I gotta do it.

 

Of course it's hard. That's why so many people choose not to go there. And the children pay the price for their parents' lack of efforts.

 

What could be more worthwhile than setting your child up for success? And then watching them succeed?

 

How can anyone not make/take the time to raise their children right?

 

I am big on expressions, as some of you may know. But I really like this one:

 

Children learn three ways: By Example, By Example, By Example.

[Ariadne]

Hey,

 

I will NOT take the easy way out like you have Ariadne. Sorry to say that but it's true.

 

Yeah, I'm pretty lazy about that.

 

You asked how I'm trying to make him be more independant? By having him be responsible for his homework. I mean by him sitting there and doing it without me being right next to him.

 

See, that's why my son doesn't do hw. Because it's a pain.

 

I will check it only. Not sit with him. I want him to do chores on his own without my having to remind him many times. That's what I mean.

 

Yeah, that's how I was when I was a child. Nobody helped me for hw. Wouldn't that be nice? But my son doesn't care for hw.

 

Why has your child never done homework, Ariadne? Was it never assigned or you just didn't make him do it?

 

No, of course they gave him tons of hw. But he didn't do any. You know, he spends enought time in school already. It's stupid. He should be home to eat and relax and be a kid. Yeah.

 

And in here they pass him till HS, so he passed.

 

You think that has anything to do with why he's failing now?

 

Well, he is going to a continuation school HS and he is doing really well. But he studies on his own, basically, he reads the chapters and does assignments in there. It's a school of only 50 students and about three rooms, so he made friends with everybody and teachers are cool (just 3 teachers). So far he's doing all the work and it's from 8am to 12:30pm only.

 

If I "relax" as you say, I end up with a child who is a failure. I didn't wait until I was in my 30's to have a child that I will raise to be a failure. Sorry. I can't relax. No good parent can RELAX.

 

Nah, you seem cool to me, your kid will turn out fine.

 

How is it that you've NEVER had to punish your son? How do you justify that? Please enlighten me as to how that is supposed to work.

 

Oh, I always treated my son as an adult and respected his choices. He's always been very mature. The only thing is he's kind of lazy, like he'd ask me for water when he is playing games, but other than that he's amazing!

 

(And I love to spoil him)

 

And how's that workin' for ya? (stolen from Dr. Phil) Is he a success in school? Or is he failing? Does he have a job? Because at 16 my son better be working for the things he wants. Does he have goals?

 

Ah, you ask too hard questions. He's figuring it all out, he's just 16.

 

Ariadne

[Touche]

Very true Grace. Good post, thanks!

[Touche]

So do you bring him the water when he tells you to get it?

 

I don't even know what to say to you. I'm glad he's doing well in his special school. I think it's disgusting that he was promoted like that. He would have failed here. They don't tolerate that.

 

I honestly don't know what to say to you. Our parenting style is sure different. I wish I could relax and not care as much and not have to spend so much time on checking homework and correcting it and going over lessons. I wish I could say "screw it" but I can't.

 

I hope your son does well in life. I really do. But I can't leave that up to chance. It's like Grace said. I have to do whatever I can do to set him up for success...and not making do the work that the school assigns him to do is not setting him up for success. He can play when it's done. He has PLENTY of chances to be a kid, believe me. But school is his JOB. That's what we try to impress upon him.

 

Do you think you've helped prepare your son to hold down a job even?

[Moose]

Shoot man.....at 16 I was already moved out with my own car, a full time job, apartment and going to college to boot.......

 

Things certainly aren't the same anymore.....

[Touche]

Shoot man.....at 16 I was already moved out with my own car, a full time job, apartment and going to college to boot.......

 

Things certainly aren't the same anymore.....

 

I hear you that on that, Moose! I was 17 though when I moved out though.

 

And Ariadne, you say he's only 16 he'll figure it out, etc. They don't suddenly turn 18 and become self-sufficient, responsible adults. You have to be teaching them that throughout their childhoods. That's what I've always tried to do. At 16, it's way too late. Those opportunities are kind of gone now. Now, you can only hope for the best. You've tossed the dice with your child's future and I hope you win.

 

I myself don't like to gamble.

[amaysngrace]

Yeah, I'm pretty lazy about that.

 

It's your job to see him put forth good effort in his endeavors, or else why bother doing it at all? Oh yeah, to play video games.

 

See, that's why my son doesn't do hw. Because it's a pain.

 

He will most likely feel the same way about real work...love him enough to support him his whole life, do you?

 

Yeah, that's how I was when I was a child. Nobody helped me for hw. Wouldn't that be nice? But my son doesn't care for hw.

 

So you wanted to be like your parents? Wouldn't it have been nice if someone took an interest in your schoolwork?

 

No, of course they gave him tons of hw. But he didn't do any. You know, he spends enought time in school already. It's stupid. He should be home to eat and relax and be a kid. Yeah.

 

Homework is a child's job. Good grades are a child's job. This sets them up with the fundamental skills they will need all their lives. Otherwise, they may write those incomprehensible posts we on this forum have to tolerate.

 

And in here they pass him till HS, so he passed.

 

Of course, it's the "no child left behind" law passed by George W. Bush. Which really pisses me off because they become a major distraction in the classroom when my children are embracing education.

 

Well, he is going to a continuation school HS and he is doing really well. But he studies on his own, basically, he reads the chapters and does assignments in there. It's a school of only 50 students and about three rooms, so he made friends with everybody and teachers are cool (just 3 teachers). So far he's doing all the work and it's from 8am to 12:30pm only.

 

I guess he got left behind afterall, huh? What a shame for him. Truly.

 

Ah, you ask too hard questions. He's figuring it all out, he's just 16.

 

By age 16 my kid's better know where they'd like to see themselves in 5 years. By that age, the choice should be theirs.

[Touche]

Homework is a child's job. Good grades are a child's job. This sets them up with the fundamental skills they will need all their lives. Otherwise, they may write those incomprehensible posts we on this forum have to tolerate.

 

:laugh: Oh my gosh SO true!

 

As far as the No Child Left Behind thing. I'm too lazy to look it up now (eating lunch) but I don't think that's what it mean, Grace. People are SO quick to attack Bush! (Ok, let's not make this a political thread.)

 

Kids have to pass certain state mandated tests now BEFORE they're promoted. If they don't pass, they get special help and tutoring and THEN can be promoted. But my son has had a kid or two in each class from 1st grade until now in 5th who has been left behind. In one case the kids was left behind TWO grades. So that No Child Left Behind thing is kind of a misnomer.

 

But anywho, I don't understand how Ariadne's son was promoted each year. Maybe he was so smart and passed the tests? Who knows. I just know that homework is part of their grade here and he has to do it.

 

And Aria, Grace brought up a good point. Are you prepared to have to support your son as an adult? I don't see how he will be able to keep down a job. Are you worried about that?

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

But I can't leave that up to chance. It's like Grace said. I have to do whatever I can do to set him up for success...

 

On the other hand, the Jewish friend of mine is paying with the ex wife 20K a year for a Jewish HS up in the hills for his kid, and the kids gets all As and Bs and is trying out for the Baskebal team etc.

 

Sigh... but my son goes to a regular public HS. I hope he does well, he hasn't been late because he says he looks forward to it.

 

Best wishes with your son too,

 

Ariadne

[amaysngrace]

But my son has had a kid or two in each class from 1st grade until now in 5th who has been left behind. In one case the kids was left behind TWO grades.

 

It is left up to the parents, rather than the educators. So parents who don't give a crap if their child actually absorbed what they've been taught will just be firm on their decision to bump them up. It's their right, by law.

 

Of course, it is basically rote learning at this level. Which is why what is taught in school should be further reitified at home.

 

Hence: homework.

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

So you wanted to be like your parents? Wouldn't it have been nice if someone took an interest in your schoolwork?

 

No, I didn't want to be like my parents that told me what to do. That's why I always respected my son's choices.

 

And in my case, I loved school. I made everything nice and got good grades. My parents appreciated it, but they didn't have to be sitting next to me coaching me.

 

Homework is a child's job. Good grades are a child's job.

 

No, I disagree. There shouldn't be any hw. It's an inconvenience for the families and children. They should learn the stuff in school. But that's my personal opinion.

 

Ariadne

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

But anywho, I don't understand how Ariadne's son was promoted each year. Maybe he was so smart and passed the tests? Who knows.

 

He was held back only one year because I signed a consent (he was really behind) but other than that they passed him no matter the grade.

 

Ariadne

[lisapizza]

Does your kid around this age, argue with you about EVERYTHING? I can't take it anymore. I want to have more pleasant interactions with my bright, sweet smart and funny son but it's getting increasingly more difficult.

Welcome to my world, my son is 14 and he's driving me nuts, he is exactly like you described! He is in all honors classes this yr but is barely even trying and he does not care. He has been grounded on & off (more on) for FIVE MONTHS and it's not getting any better.

 

He has always been respectful to his teachers but today I got an email from one saying he is now disrespecting them as well.

He also has started getting in his cell phone & chatting to porno chat rooms. Running up hundreds of $ of charges ( hence, being grounded for 5 months) and then he took my nephews cell phone & did it to his phone too. (being that he has no phone now) He is not normally like this but these past six months have been aweful!!

 

P.S. -He is also adopted so I feel even more guilt & confusion as to why he is actiong this way!!

If you get the answers, please, let me know too!!!!!!!

[Touche]

 

On the other hand, the Jewish friend of mine is paying with the ex wife 20K a year for a Jewish HS up in the hills for his kid, and the kids gets all As and Bs and is trying out for the Baskebal team etc.

 

Sigh... but my son goes to a regular public HS. I hope he does well, he hasn't been late because he says he looks forward to it.

 

Best wishes with your son too,

 

Ariadne

 

Your son looks cute Aria. And he goes to a school named after Albert Eisnstein? So how bad can THAT be? Look, my son is in public school too. That shouldn't matter. Lots of bright kids who do well come out of public school.

 

It is left up to the parents, rather than the educators. So parents who don't give a crap if their child actually absorbed what they've been taught will just be firm on their decision to bump them up. It's their right, by law.

 

Of course, it is basically rote learning at this level. Which is why what is taught in school should be further reitified at home.

 

Hence: homework.

 

I agree with you Grace but I'm not sure about that part about the law and being bumped up. Are you SURE about that? I don't think that's the way it is here anyway. They MUST pass these tests before they're promoted. Maybe it's different where you are, I don't know. Or are you saying that's the way it is nationally?

[Touche]

Welcome to my world, my son is 14 and he's driving me nuts, he is exactly like you described! He is in all honors classes this yr but is barely even trying and he does not care. He has been grounded on & off (more on) for FIVE MONTHS and it's not getting any better.

 

He has always been respectful to his teachers but today I got an email from one saying he is now disrespecting them as well.

He also has started getting in his cell phone & chatting to porno chat rooms. Running up hundreds of $ of charges ( hence, being grounded for 5 months) and then he took my nephews cell phone & did it to his phone too. (being that he has no phone now) He is not normally like this but these past six months have been aweful!!

 

P.S. -He is also adopted so I feel even more guilt & confusion as to why he is actiong this way!!

If you get the answers, please, let me know too!!!!!!!

 

I'm so sorry you're going through all this with your son, Lisa. You did make me chuckle at the "Welcome to my world" though! Glad I'm not alone.

 

That's GREAT that he's in honors class. My son is above average in reading but yet gets a C on his report card in reading. He has an excellent vocabulary for a boy his age but gets a D in vocab/spelling. He just doesn't care. I've really had enough. If he brings home another report card like that last one, it's going to be bad, BAD news for him! But anyway, your son can't be doing too badly academically if he's still in honors classes right?

 

I do want to ask you though, does he have a male figure in his life? It's very important at this age. Why do you think he's suddenly rebelling? I mean it's normal at that age but if he's always been respectful and now isn't, I'd wonder.

 

It's good that there are consequences for his actions and don't feel ANY guilt about this because he's adopted, Lisa. As you can see we're ALL going through a similar thing with our kids..doesn't matter about biological or adopted. You're still his MOTHER just as we are to our biological children. So that shouldn't even enter into your thoughts.

 

So what do you think is going on with him? And what about the male influence?

[Ariadne]

Hey,

 

Your son looks cute Aria. And he goes to a school named after Albert Eisnstein? So how bad can THAT be? Look, my son is in public school too.

 

Thanks. And I know, it sounds like the super genius school

 

Ariadne

[amaysngrace]

I'm not sure about that part about the law and being bumped up. Are you SURE about that? I don't think that's the way it is here anyway. They MUST pass these tests before they're promoted. Maybe it's different where you are, I don't know. Or are you saying that's the way it is nationally?

 

You know, I don't know. I thought it was different than it is actually. I looked it up and the law says they need to pass a test. And if they don't have good schools, they can choose a better one. But that wasn't how it was explained to me. So I just don't know.

[luvtoto]

Not trying to hijack...I've been reading this thread and it's all very interesting.

 

My daughter has troubles in school in certain subjects. She tries and seems to have a positive attitude about her homework.

 

She had an F on her report card in Social Studies, then she raised it to a D+. Ummm...does that deserve praise from me?? She was proud of herself. But, to me...a D doesn't deserve praise.