Guest Posted November 12, 2006 Posted November 12, 2006 It's been 121 days since the break up, and I am still sooooo mad, upset, and hurt. I read posts on this board all the time where the response is "Get over him...he's moved on...just concentrate on yourself," and while I feel this is very helpful advice for those who want their ex to come back, I feel it just really doesn't seem to "help" me cope. I don't want to go into detail, but I was WRONGED in this relationship so bad that I could never take this person back if they were the last person on earth, and yet, I am so profoundly upset that this happened to me that it makes it hard to "get over it." It's the first thing I think about when I wake up, and I spend 2 hours of time I should be sleeping every night being angry and arguing with him in my mind until I pass out. I feel like I am living in a "situation" instead of living. I know I'm not the only person in the world that wakes up upset over a break-up everyday, and logically I know I won't feel this way forever. But now it HURTS. And that makes me mad that someone could hurt me so bad and not even care. I want this person to fall on their face because they've made the biggest mistake of their life. When people say "time heals all," I wish they would include a rough estimate of exactly how much time until it doesn't suck anymore. Because back in July, I was like, "Ok time heals all, so by November I'll be feeling at least better than today." Nope. How do you cope when you are "over him" but not "over it"?
phyrespryte Posted November 12, 2006 Posted November 12, 2006 How do you cope when you are "over him" but not "over it"? Well...I think how long it takes for you to get over someone depends on how long you've been with them and how long you let yourself dwell on it. What have you done to move on? Have you tried focusing more on yourself? Spending time with friends? Because those things really help even if you don't want your ex back. Spending your nights arguing with him in your mind isn't a good thing. It just keeps all the old memories fresh and you're creating new fights in your head. That just makes things worse and it's making it harder for you to move on.
pricillia Posted November 12, 2006 Posted November 12, 2006 Guest, Any break up is hard, especially if you had that said person in your heart. I am not sure of the specifics of your break up and what lead you to break up, but none the less, I am sure that you have heard this before. We all go through it, it is a part of life. Let the pain that you feel help you get through so you can get to your next point in life. Try not to let the hurt that you feel make you a bitter person, just try to think of the situation that you are in as a life experience, learn from the mistakes in the past relationship that you were in and keep your heart open to the next new experience. Being emotionally attached to a loved one and loosing them is never ever easy weather it be a SO or a family member the pain is real, just know that you are alive and can feel that pain and learn from it.
Guest Posted November 12, 2006 Posted November 12, 2006 I really do try to spend time with friends, but usually all they do is talk about how happy they are with their boyfriends and that just ends up making me more depressed. Every single one of my good friends is in a long-term relationship, so I feel like they end up just being triggers for me. Every 4th song on the radio seems to be a trigger, half of my favorite television shows on tv seem to be a trigger, and all the things I do when I focus on myself (like take a long run, for example) are activities I used to do with HIM, so that makes me upset. I feel like in addition to shattering my life, he also stole all of my coping mechanisms. Sometimes I feel the ONLY way I'll feel better is to watch him fall.
oh_what_am_I_doing Posted November 13, 2006 Posted November 13, 2006 It sounds like you need some drastic changes. If everything you're currently doing causes you to think of him, then you need to do different things. For example, start listening to a completely different kind of music. If you're tuned into a station you and your ex never listened to together, chances are you won't hear songs that remind you of him. As for your question, how long does it take to completely get over someone- a good rule of thumb I've heard is one to two times are long as you were together. So if you dated for 3 years, it could (sadly) take anywhere from 3 to 6 years (I know that's not what you wanted to hear). I've found in my experience, however, that it doesn't take that long. This probably isn't healthy, but I went online to friendfinder.com and began dating when my ex moved across the country. I missed him so bad, but going on dates alleviated some of the pain (at least when I was physically on the date- after the date, while sitting alone at home, not so much). I've found myself in a similar situation again, however this time my current boyfriend and I are still together, it's just his late hours at work keep us apart all the time. I miss human contact, so I met some people through meetup.com. I highly recommend it. We first got together for some euchre, then became good friends and hang out quite frequently for movies, dinner, football games, pumpkin picking outings.... And in your shoes, I'd make sure those new friends are single! I understand not wanting to hang out with people who are in relationships when you're hurting so bad. One last thing, after feeling betrayed by a different ex, I found this book that I would recommend to you. It made me feel better (for a little while, anyway). It's called "The Women's Book of Revenge" by Gallagher. I remember reading it while lying on the floor of his empty, former bedroom (we lived together but did have separate bedrooms). Good luck to you
Kamille Posted November 13, 2006 Posted November 13, 2006 You give very little details about your situation. What would you need to get closure and let go of what happened? I don't believe there is a set time to get over a relationship. Break-ups are hard because they are haunting. You could also look into getting some therapy.
BannaBee57 Posted November 13, 2006 Posted November 13, 2006 "a good rule of thumb I've heard is one to two times as long as you were together". Really? I heard that it was half the time you were together. So if you were together for 3 years it might be somewhere around 1.5 before you feel fully healed. I think this is more realistic than double the time you were together...that's rediculous to me! We'd all be insane if this were really true. Of course, I don't really think there is a set time limit. At some point you need to decide to not let it rule your life anymore. Who wants to carry around all that bitterness forever?
Tormented Posted November 13, 2006 Posted November 13, 2006 Guest, I'm going through the exact same thing you are. My ex and I broke up 2.5 months ago, and although I'm having more better days now, the bad ones are still there. Like you, he did something that I can NEVER forgive and pretty much sealed any chance of reconciliation. Sometimes, it's not them that we're having a hard time getting over, but rather, the hurt they caused us. We feel a strong sense of betrayal (I know I do), and that's never easy to overcome. Especially so when we've been betrayed by one who we loved and thought loved us. What has worked for me is to focus on something else the minute he comes into mind....which is nonstop throughout the day, and worse at night. When he creeps in there, I immediately think about something pleasant that happened, either that day or in the past. It's hard to do, and it takes time, but it does work. I know the anger you feel. And I know your pain. I am quite familiar with them, but I refuse to allow them to destroy my life. Don't let it destroy yours. Chin up, girl! ~T~
Guest Posted November 13, 2006 Posted November 13, 2006 Thank you to all who replied. I know several of you had some questions... We were together 5 years and 4 months (so I am slightly creeped out by the double-the-time-to-heal figure b/c I refuse to let this person ruin my life into my early 30s). To answer the question of what would need to happen for me to have closure...Ideally, I pray he has this revelation that he blew it with the best thing that ever happened to him and he comes back crying and begging for forgiveness, to which I would reply, "I can forgive you as a person but I can never look at you the same." This would just make me feel so in control, and these past 4 months, I've felt so powerless and worthless in his eyes. It would be so nice to just have the upper hand in this situation and give him severe consequences for his actions and have them really hit home. It would be nice to know he regrets everything and his actions were a big mistake. I know this is a slightly absurd, tactless comparison, but you know how in murder trials, the victims' families want the killer to be truly sorry for killing their loved one?? And it forever haunts the victims if the killer is like "I'm glad what I did!" forever. Kinda the same thing applies with me. (I feel like I should probably make a screen name for this site from now on). Thanks again for the advice....
asnath Posted December 12, 2006 Posted December 12, 2006 your story breaks my heart, the things we have to experience in life.......really, but then what can we do, how long does it take to heal? you asked, i really dont know cause there is no formular but what i can say personally........it takes a mind set, the way you think and look at things. ok, lets do some exercise, who are you? whats driving you? what do you value? your morals? how do you look at yourself? ................comimg to this man..............is he the kind of man you would want to see your grand chlidren with? whats his essence? what makes his make-up? the biggest question, whats makes you real tick when you think of him? after answearing all this i think you would be able to get over him or this terrible situation. you dont have to feel bitter, but situations like this should make us better people and in a way redefine us, if we allow them to.......in a more positive way. one day i believe you would sit and look back with a smile and you would also be able to help others.........good luck.
Double D Posted December 23, 2006 Posted December 23, 2006 Im going through simular as well guest. I was with my ex for 6 months and it was anintense 6 months. We have groken up for over a month and though im having only slightly better days they still the first and last perosn i think about in the day and all the hours in between. I think therpy is a good idea it really let you explore your relationship in detail and you can get it all off your chest I think thats a start at least. Stay positive. Take heart that you still get out of bed and still living, shows he hasnt broken you. You keep going guest!
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