My Story - a fool in love

[alphamale]

i think i'm beginning to see why you're such a fan of the moslem world

ha ha....you have two choices...either women dominate the men OR the other way around. Choose one.

 

Its the natural order of things.

[Woggle]

How did this guy's marriage thread turn into the misogyny thread?

 

It all applies to his marriage and the direction he needs to go in.

[justagirliegirl]

I know we are only getting one side of the story but some of the things you said send up red flags.

 

Did she say why she left? Why did she want to go to counseling? What reasons did she give you? Why did the therapist say the marriage was hopeless? You say this was out of the blue. I doubt that. She probably told you over and over for years what the problems were and you did nothing.

 

You say she has had no job for the past 6 years. Is this what you really think? Do you think that raising both of your children and educating them is nothing? You sound pretty disrespectful in that way.

 

You seem to be a man of mean by the money you rattled off. Why was your wife going around in shabby clothes in the first place? Did she have access to money or did she have to ask you for everything?

 

Why did you threaten her?

 

I think there is a lot more to this than you are sharing here.

[lindya]

And your declaration was that the better looking the woman the worse you have to treat them for them to respect you. I don't think thats true. They'll respect whatever it is they individually respect and value about a man, and that's a case by case basis.

 

Exactly. It's reasonable to assume that women who gravitate towards ill-treatment do so through low self esteem. Those are often the same women who spend a fortune on their appearance...again, because of low self esteem.

 

no woman is "born attractive"....they are all made attractive. under all the tons of makeup you'll find mostly skanks.

 

On the one hand the "tons of make up" comment suggests disapproval of cosmetic enhancement...but at the same time you're unable to find women attractive without those artificial enhancements. You're setting yourself up for eternal romantic disappointment with that outlook, alpha. It's far more destructive to your happiness potential than it is to anyone else's.

 

Why was your wife going around in shabby clothes in the first place? Did she have access to money or did she have to ask you for everything?

 

That's a good question.

[ponderingwanderer]

I know we are only getting one side of the story but some of the things you said send up red flags.

 

Did she say why she left? Why did she want to go to counseling? What reasons did she give you? Why did the therapist say the marriage was hopeless? You say this was out of the blue. I doubt that. She probably told you over and over for years what the problems were and you did nothing.

 

You say she has had no job for the past 6 years. Is this what you really think? Do you think that raising both of your children and educating them is nothing? You sound pretty disrespectful in that way.

 

You seem to be a man of mean by the money you rattled off. Why was your wife going around in shabby clothes in the first place? Did she have access to money or did she have to ask you for everything?

 

Why did you threaten her?

 

I think there is a lot more to this than you are sharing here.

 

Originally, she said she wanted separation because she could deal with me wanting sex.

 

No, she didn't tell me for years. She told me a couple of times over the years that she was unhappy. Never communicated that she was so unhappy or that we needed to change. She never wanted to go to councilling. She says she doesn't believe in it.

 

I said she didn't have an income, I didn't mean she didn't have a job. She had the hardest job I could imagine but she also took it too far. She never allowed time for just the two of us. In fact for the past 6 years she had all the freedom in the world. She didn't have to ask to spend but she should have recognized our budget.

 

For the past 3 years I have been stuck in a failing business which put an incredible amount of stress on me and on our finances. Hence the 'shabby clothes' as you put it. Not really shabby. The point is I had a timeline to get out from under the failing business but she didn't want to stick it out. I'm at the end of the financial problems, that is why I have been able to give the $$$ that I have.

 

She was also saying I was too controlling. And that is a red flag as well as far as someone having an affair.

 

I have had the greatest respect for her and she has had access to everything I had.

 

Of course there is more and of course this is one sided but as far as I can see it she has made some poor decisions about her future, her love life and her relationship with me.

 

-pw

[ponderingwanderer]

You are being used so bad. If I were you I would get a lawyer and divorce papers ready and tell her to decide what she wants. Don't let her drag yopu along and never appear sad or angry around her. Also you should go for custody of the kids. Why should you lose custody of them just because she wants to live some fantasy life? It is time to put the foot down and risk being seen as the bad guy.

 

Yes and no. I've seen a lawyer. I had the papers ready to go but I stopped myself because that would have been the stupidest thing in the world to do. Unfortunately, some time has to pass for her to figure out what she wants/needs. If it comes to D, there is no turning back.

[ponderingwanderer]

Tell us why you love her. What is it you see in this woman to want to save a relationship thats eroded so badly? I know we're only getting your perspective here, but from what you've told us there is nothing other than a present mother figure in the house that is desirable. She has destroyed your trust.

 

So what is it about her you love? I know there are things to love about women who have hurt us. There were many qualities about my x that I still love and admire and someof them are admitedly physical, others mental. What is it you miss about her?

 

The 2 of us are compatible in all our other choices, not just kids but lifestyle, health choices, food choices. She is beautiful, talented and a loving person. Unfortunately right now she is loving the wrong person.

[ponderingwanderer]

You have a good point. Men complain about women being attracted to bad boys but why do so many men bend over backwards and blame themselves when their women treat them like crap? I really don't get it. She is the one that cheated and did him wrong yet he is blaming himself and promising to change even though he did nothing wrong.

 

You are wrong about that. I don't blame myself. It takes 2 to tango but there are other factors that influence the decision.

 

I did promise to change in the first week of this mess but it was not the right approach. I have changed but it was not for her but for me. That has been the right decision and she has noticed the changes. I have warned her that my involvement with another partner could turn out badly for our marriage but that I'm holding off any real emotion/physical involvement with the other women.

[ponderingwanderer]

No, it won't. You can't really rationalise pain away. Only time and positive new experiences can do that...but all the reading you're doing right now isn't going to be wasted. I bet once you get through this you'll be a far stronger and wiser person.

 

 

 

I'm assuming you didn't marry her for her skills in expressing herself with any originality. Or, indeed, for her skills in expressing herself at all - given the unexpected nature of these recent revelations.

 

 

 

Cheaters do seem to like compiling these shopping lists about partners in an effort to avoid facing up to what they've done.

 

 

 

Well done. You're obviously well equipped to get through this.

 

 

 

That was really decent of you. I wouldn't take too much notice of anyone saying you're getting used here. I think in time you'll be glad that you just conducted yourself in a non-bitter manner - one that might be more honourable than the situation merits, but that reflects very well on you.

 

 

 

You certainly don't sound like a fool. Everything you've said in this post points to you handling the situation in a mature and capable manner. Of course your feelings aren't going to vanish overnight, and you can't really expect to feel like jumping into a new relationship (eg with the dance partner who has a crush on you). It sounds as if you're being very wise and contemplative about all this. I can only wish you a speedy recovery from these distressing events, and hope that you go on to find the happiness you deserve.

 

Thank you for seeing things the way I do.

[alphamale]

On the one hand the "tons of make up" comment suggests disapproval of cosmetic enhancement...but at the same time you're unable to find women attractive without those artificial enhancements.

there's a happy medium to everything. some women wear heavy makeup all the time and some wear no makeup all the time. how about some makeup some of the time...

 

i've seen a number of women who think makeup should totally make their appearance instead of just enhancing it.

[dgiirl]

alpha, no offense, but lets stay on topic with the original poster. This is the divorce forum and we dont need to get into a debate on how women only date jerks and how he should just dump her. It's not appropriate for the divorce forum.

 

Remember, this is not the dating forum. A lot of people really do respect their wedding vows and want to do everything possible to repair their marriage. This is not to say he should just be a push over, because that wont work, but we do need to respect the person's desire to repair a marraige if it's possible for them to do so. And this forum has had a few success stories by being patient. Once reconcillation is possible, once they are back together, then THAT is the time to become tough again and set the boundaries for a healthy relationship.

 

Also, there's just as many women in this forum who have had cheating husbands who have abandoned them. And it's painful for them to have other men in this forum villanize women. So please be respectful to both parties.

 

 

Pondering seems to have his head on his shoulders. He's not blaming himself for his wife's affair. But he IS taking responsibility for actions that might of contributed to the demise of his marriage. In every relationship, both sides are responsible for the dynamics of the relationship. It's never only one side's fault. And by him doing some self introspection, he will learn a great deal about things he needs to work on, and also build confidence in himself over things he does really really well. Otherwise, he'll just turn into a bitter person hating and blaming women, and that will get him no where.

 

Pondering, are you still going to counselling?

[alphamale]

alpha, no offense, but lets stay on topic with the original poster. This is the divorce forum and we dont need to get into a debate on how women only date jerks and how he should just dump her. It's not appropriate for the divorce forum.

I disagree DGIIRL...the conversation is totally appropiate. The OP is being totally used by this woman and that's why its in the divorce forum. He needs to grow a pair.

[dgiirl]

And you are disregarding what advice _HE_ is seeking for. He's not asking if he's being used or if he should leave, and he's already addressed these points.

 

And what does the topic about a woman's beauty, if she wears makeup or whatever have anything to do with his marriage?

 

Remember, the divorce forum is a little more serious than the water cooler threads, and there's a lot of distraught people who read these forums. We do not need a woman vs man hate thread in the divorce forum.

[whichwayisup]

Only talk to her when it comes to your children. Outside of that DO NOT be her friend. Deal with her as little as possible, don't get personal with her, ask her how she is etc...If she doesn't want you as her husband, you can't be her friend or anything right now.

 

She needs to feel the loss of you. What you gave her, the life you two shared. She has to face the consquencs of her actions, and part of that is NOT leaning on you emotionally or anything.

 

I know this is killing you, she isn't the woman that you married right now, but maybe deep inside that woman is still there - She's just got some serious issues and pain that she's buried deep, which is probably why she has shutdown on you and turned to someone else, hence thinking she's fallen inlove with another man.

 

All you can do is go on with your life, focus on your kids, make sure they are happy and feeling loved. Keep busy and do one on one counselling to help you cope with this. There isn't anything you can do to change her mind, atleast for now. Her choice has been made...Once one decides a marriage is over, it's usually done. I'm to say that, but unless she wakes up and realizes that she's making a huge mistake, things aren't going to get any better in the sense of you two working things out.

 

Surround yourself with your family, close friends and keep posting here.

[ponderingwanderer]

 

Pondering, are you still going to counselling?

 

No, I went a few times alone after the first session but decided the therapist wasn't right for me. I suggested some books to the therapist though.

 

-pw

[ponderingwanderer]

Only talk to her when it comes to your children. Outside of that DO NOT be her friend. Deal with her as little as possible, don't get personal with her, ask her how she is etc...If she doesn't want you as her husband, you can't be her friend or anything right now.

 

She needs to feel the loss of you. What you gave her, the life you two shared. She has to face the consquencs of her actions, and part of that is NOT leaning on you emotionally or anything.

 

I know this is killing you, she isn't the woman that you married right now, but maybe deep inside that woman is still there - She's just got some serious issues and pain that she's buried deep, which is probably why she has shutdown on you and turned to someone else, hence thinking she's fallen inlove with another man.

 

All you can do is go on with your life, focus on your kids, make sure they are happy and feeling loved. Keep busy and do one on one counselling to help you cope with this. There isn't anything you can do to change her mind, atleast for now. Her choice has been made...Once one decides a marriage is over, it's usually done. I'm to say that, but unless she wakes up and realizes that she's making a huge mistake, things aren't going to get any better in the sense of you two working things out.

 

Surround yourself with your family, close friends and keep posting here.

 

Thank you. We have been having some really good conversations lately though. She has been starting to communicate openly and honestly. We had a good conversation today. She finally admitted to having sex with the OM. She felt bad about it but she also acknowledges that OM is in love with her and that she doesn't know what to do. They are in a working relationship writing and playing music. She knows she's in a pickle and isn't going to make any decisions right now. She basically says she's gonna ride this out.

 

I guess I can wait or run. I think I'll wait. We talked about this. I mentioned that affairs go anywhere from 6 months to 2 years. I also mentioned that people in her situation that leave the marriage generally regret the decision.

 

Well, I guess I'm in this for the long haul. Next 3 months to 2 years. Or until I cave in and find a new partner to live my life with.

 

It's so hard to watch to life you've built slowly wash away.

 

-pw

[dgiirl]

pw, i'm glad to see you read all the required reading. You should also take a look at marriagebuilders website, especially plan a plan b. And maybe even the book "love must be tough".

 

I'm sure you noticed a pattern with all those books. Basically, focus on yourself, be pleasant to the wayward wife, show them an attractive happy person, someone they'd want to be around, but at the same time, make sure they keep respect for you and do not cross any boundaries.

 

First, you really need to make sure, if in a year from now you two are divorced, you wont regret doing any of the actions you are now doing. ie, if you are giving your wife money for clothes and a new appartment, is this something you are going to regret doing? Do these actions benefit you in any way, especially the money towards a new appartment? It sounds slightly counter-productive towards a reconcilation?

 

I'm glad to hear that you did see a lawyer. I hope you've arranged some sort of separation agreement? The last thing you need right now is have an estranged wife rack up debts in your name while you two are separated and she's with another man. So please, for your kids sake, protect yourself financially. If you have any joint bank accounts, or joint credit cards, close them now.

 

Are you still in the house? If so, I'd recommend changing the locks to the house. I think it's only fair for you to have a sanctuary that you can go to where she doesnt have access since you do not have access to her current living arrangements.

 

I think all of these things are healthy actions to setting up boundaries with your wife. You are not slamming the door in her face, but at the same time, you are protecting yourself.

 

Since it does seem you and your wife ARE starting to communicate honestly, I think it's important that you get into some individual counselling. It's hard to find a good therapist that you connect with, and it sounds like the first one you tried wasnt the right one for you, but I strongly urge to find another therapist and try again. You are going to need counselling to repair this marriage or to handle the emotions of a divorce. So it will not be in vain.

 

Take a look at ilmw's thread. He's being very patient with his wife and is focusing on himself, and it looks like things are starting to turn around. There's no gaurantee that things will work out for you. But if you focus on you and change the things you know need to be changed, and change them for you, you will be in a good space irregardless of the outcome.

 

The only way to deal with the pain is to focus on other things.

[Rooster_DAR]

What he fell in love with though was an illusion. Some women can be great actresses. I have dealt with a few woman that were oscar material themselves. They act like the nicest people and present themselves as angels but when you take off the mask they are demonesses that will suck the life out of you if you let them.

 

Indeed! There are many many many of them out there.

 

As a matter of fact, I asked a hot 28 year old to dance last night at a club, she pulled me on the dance floor, stuck her tongue down my throat, and put my hands in all the right places. 20 minutes later she was going after the bass player in the band. Of course she was drunk, but what inconsistency.

 

LOL I thought it was quite amusing.

[lindya]

Remember, the divorce forum is a little more serious than the water cooler threads, and there's a lot of distraught people who read these forums. We do not need a woman vs man hate thread in the divorce forum.

 

That's a really good point. There are plenty of those threads going about elsewhere, and it seems a pity to drag their content into this particular poster's situation. Particularly as his overall tone suggests that, despite the problems he's having to deal with, he's managing to get on with things without becoming submerged in bitterness.

[Guest]

She will miss you later but it is going to be late.

I can tell you that I had an affair when I was married and my husband found out and we ended up divorcing. I then went on to be in many relationships, including another marriage, none of which were ever as fulfilling as my first husband's and mine. I miss him sorely to this day (indeed as my life goes on, I look back and very much regret being so stupid).If my husband had taken me back, it would have been a wonderful lifelong marriage because that affair opened my eyes about him.

[ponderingwanderer]

She will miss you later but it is going to be late.

I can tell you that I had an affair when I was married and my husband found out and we ended up divorcing. I then went on to be in many relationships, including another marriage, none of which were ever as fulfilling as my first husband's and mine. I miss him sorely to this day (indeed as my life goes on, I look back and very much regret being so stupid).If my husband had taken me back, it would have been a wonderful lifelong marriage because that affair opened my eyes about him.

 

Thanks for the feedback but I'm hoping it won't be too late.

 

-pw

[ponderingwanderer]

Over the past few days, w and I have been having some amazing communications breakthroughs. Very enlightening.

 

I have been able to unload some very deep, very private information about myself and how it has affected our relationship and she had done the same. Frankly, the information has blown my mind.

 

Its still a small step but opening up the communications can only help. Right?

 

-pw

[ponderingwanderer]

I guess all the communications breakthroughs have meant very little to w. Last night I was lucky/unlucky enough to discover another email account she has and I was able to get in and read all the old and sent mail to and from OM.

 

This is very depressing.

 

-pw

[burning 4 revenge]

Sorry to hear that. Who is the OM anway? Someone you know? How did she meet him and what is it about him that she likes so much?

[ponderingwanderer]

Sorry to hear that. Who is the OM anway? Someone you know? How did she meet him and what is it about him that she likes so much?

 

OM is a musician she met through Myspace. They started to write/play music together. I've met him. He came to my house before things were serious. He makes her happy, he tells her he loves her he tells her shes beautiful and wonderful.

 

Of course all of this was after she had already left me and there has been no opportunity to do the things he is doing. She is in love with him and there is no room left for me.

 

-pw