My Story - a fool in love

[ponderingwanderer]

Hello All,

 

I've been reading the site for a little while and finally I thought I'd share my story.

 

This has been a rough ride. Married eleven years, 2 boys - 8 and 4. Back on Aug. 21 w calls me at work and tells me she wants a separation. Ok, this hit me like a ton of bricks. Totally out of the blue. For the first week I thought I was losing my mind. I wanted to know why, I told her I loved her, I told her I'd change. I did all the things you're not supposed to do. Another week goes by and a friend suggests key logging software for my computer. Good idea. W and I were sharing my computer at home. I had my suspicions but now I was getting confirmation. My parents had the kids in Disney from Sept. 2 to 8, for 3 of those days w didn't come home until 11:30. She had moved out of our bedroom back on Aug. 21. I wanted us to go to counseling. After some cajoling she finally agreed. Sept. 6 we go to a counsellor and counsellor doesn't see any hope for us. I'm like WTF!!! W says she is only there to help me deal with her, not to work on relationship. I was pissed. That night I told her I wanted her to leave. She did. I spoke to her on the 7th and told her I had seen the computer logs. She had written to her bf that she loved him. Of course at the counselling session she denied the whole bf thing.

 

At one point I told her she could leave but she couldn't take the kids or I'd have her arrested. Finally, on Sept. 13 I changed my mind on that and said if she really wanted to go and take the kids with her I wouldn't stop her. She left.

 

She has been living an hour away from me since then.

 

A little more background here: For the past 6 years she has not held a job. She has been a homeschooling mom with no income. So, when she left, she had no money of her own so the only place she felt she could go was to her sisters which is an hour south of me.

 

When she first said she wanted a separation, she said she still wanted to live in the same house, just live separate lives. I could not understand this. I told her she was going to have to get a job. She is still working on that.

 

I have read Michele Weiner-Davis' books 'Divorce Remedy' and 'Divorce Busting', I'm reading 'The Monogamy Myth'. I've read other e-books and forums. I'm pretty much up-to-date on the information regarding the whys and hows of all this but I doesn't help the pain.

 

She has refused on several occasions to talk about the OM. She has told me she wants to 'move on'. Or that she is 'moving on'.

 

She has given me a shopping list as to why she feels the way she does. All my fault as you can imagine. Insensitive, want to much sex, emotionally unavailable, poor financial decisions, etc... All BS.

 

I'll jump forward a couple of months. She tells me she doesn't want a divorce but she's not ready to come back. She won't give me a time table. I have tried my best to move forward with my life. A complete new wardrobe. The stress of all this has caused me to lose 20 pounds and I'm looking as good as ever. I'm swimming 30 laps at the local Y 2 to 3 times a week and I've taking up ballroom dancing.

 

She has obviously seen the changes I'm making. I've even told her about my dance partner who seems to have a bit of a crush on me. She's a great person and I enjoy dancing with her but I'm not willing to get into a relationship. So, I've told my w all these things. I've been communicating openly and truthfully with her. I've been supportive of her. I gave her $1k so she could update her wardrobe, which was look a little shabby, so she could find a job. I'm buying her a new laptop so she can do the kind of work she does anywhere (another $4300). Just bought her a new winter coat which she needed and finally she was crying about where she was going to live if she took the only job that has been offered to her which is even further away from me. I gave her $2500 for 1st and last months rent on a new apartment.

 

In some ways I feel she is coming around but tonight I know she is off with the OM.

 

So maybe I am just a fool in love.

 

Any thoughts? All comments are welcome.

 

-pw

[Gunny376]

Yea, introduce some "reality" into her life.

 

Go "dark" (no contact), and no support, let "Lover Boy" start footing the bill. She's going to get PO'd but Hey! Such is life! You and I have to get up each morning and deal with the reality of working, making a living, etc, why should she get off light.

 

OM is in it for the booty call, and why shouldn't he be? He's got nothing to lose. He's not got anything other than his time and very little effort. Let her know that she's got a home to come to, and a husband that wants and needs her.

 

Its time to introduce her to Mr. Reality and let him take over. Its a cold cruel world out there ~ with a lot of not so nice people.

[LakesideDream]

Pondering. You didn't mention if your W had the kids. If so be sure to support them, both financially and emotionally.

 

As to your "seperated" wife. You really should stop paying her bills and sending her money while she's out banging another guy.

 

As long as she has you for financial support she has no reason to "choose" between her married life and her single "bang em as they come" (bad pun?) life.

 

Time to fish or cut bait as they say......

[ponderingwanderer]

Gunny, the way I see it, I lose anyway. If we get divorced or file for separation papers then I'm legally bound to give her the $$. Now I know its true, I've gone above and beyond what I'm obligated to do but I think I do agree.

 

LSD, yea she's got the kids during the week. I've got them on the weekend. I will continue to support them financially and emotionally. It's one of the toughest parts of all this. I want to cut her off but I can't because she'll have the kids.

 

I've talked about D a few times and she says she doesn't want it. She wants her cake and to eat it too.

 

She has trust issues. For as long as we've had kids, she has never trusted them with a babysitter other than family. She claims that we've grown apart (more like she's pushed me away). She still trusts me as a babysitter and now she's taking adantage of me in that way so she can go out and get the lovin' she's been missing.

 

-pw

[Woggle]

You are being used so bad. If I were you I would get a lawyer and divorce papers ready and tell her to decide what she wants. Don't let her drag yopu along and never appear sad or angry around her. Also you should go for custody of the kids. Why should you lose custody of them just because she wants to live some fantasy life? It is time to put the foot down and risk being seen as the bad guy.

[burning 4 revenge]

Tell us why you love her. What is it you see in this woman to want to save a relationship thats eroded so badly? I know we're only getting your perspective here, but from what you've told us there is nothing other than a present mother figure in the house that is desirable. She has destroyed your trust.

 

So what is it about her you love? I know there are things to love about women who have hurt us. There were many qualities about my x that I still love and admire and someof them are admitedly physical, others mental. What is it you miss about her?

[Woggle]

Tell us why you love her. What is it you see in this woman to want to save a relationship thats eroded so badly? I know we're only getting your perspective here, but from what you've told us there is nothing other than a present mother figure in the house that is desirable. She has destroyed your trust.

 

So what is it about her you love? I know there are things to love about women who have hurt us. There were many qualities about my x that I still love and admire and someof them are admitedly physical, others mental. What is it you miss about her?

 

You have a good point. Men complain about women being attracted to bad boys but why do so many men bend over backwards and blame themselves when their women treat them like crap? I really don't get it. She is the one that cheated and did him wrong yet he is blaming himself and promising to change even though he did nothing wrong.

[burning 4 revenge]

You have a good point. Men complain about women being attracted to bad boys but why do so many men bend over backwards and blame themselves when their women treat them like crap? I really don't get it. She is the one that cheated and did him wrong yet he is blaming himself and promising to change even though he did nothing wrong.

I think what I was getting at is what is it about her he likes so much that he would be willing to overlook her walking out on him in this way? He needs to identify what those things are and weigh their absence against the negative aspects of living in a relationship with a woman he can probably never completely trust again. Once he identifies those things maybe he will realize that he can find some of those qualities that he admires in other women he can trust. The only exception, and its a big one, is the investment in time and personal history with his wife. That he can't get back and can't find with someone else. But at the end ot he day, he's going to have to ask himself if its worth it to put himself back on the line or someone who abandoned him. I mean, obviously, that history and investment in time isn't worth that much to her, or she wouldn't have walked.

[lindya]

I have read Michele Weiner-Davis' books 'Divorce Remedy' and 'Divorce Busting', I'm reading 'The Monogamy Myth'. I've read other e-books and forums. I'm pretty much up-to-date on the information regarding the whys and hows of all this but I doesn't help the pain.

 

No, it won't. You can't really rationalise pain away. Only time and positive new experiences can do that...but all the reading you're doing right now isn't going to be wasted. I bet once you get through this you'll be a far stronger and wiser person.

 

She has refused on several occasions to talk about the OM. She has told me she wants to 'move on'. Or that she is 'moving on'.

 

I'm assuming you didn't marry her for her skills in expressing herself with any originality. Or, indeed, for her skills in expressing herself at all - given the unexpected nature of these recent revelations.

 

She has given me a shopping list as to why she feels the way she does. All my fault as you can imagine. Insensitive, want to much sex, emotionally unavailable, poor financial decisions, etc... All BS.

 

Cheaters do seem to like compiling these shopping lists about partners in an effort to avoid facing up to what they've done.

 

I have tried my best to move forward with my life. A complete new wardrobe. The stress of all this has caused me to lose 20 pounds and I'm looking as good as ever. I'm swimming 30 laps at the local Y 2 to 3 times a week and I've taking up ballroom dancing.

 

Well done. You're obviously well equipped to get through this.

 

I've been supportive of her. I gave her $1k so she could update her wardrobe, which was look a little shabby, so she could find a job. I'm buying her a new laptop so she can do the kind of work she does anywhere (another $4300). Just bought her a new winter coat which she needed and finally she was crying about where she was going to live if she took the only job that has been offered to her which is even further away from me. I gave her $2500 for 1st and last months rent on a new apartment.

 

That was really decent of you. I wouldn't take too much notice of anyone saying you're getting used here. I think in time you'll be glad that you just conducted yourself in a non-bitter manner - one that might be more honourable than the situation merits, but that reflects very well on you.

 

In some ways I feel she is coming around but tonight I know she is off with the OM.

 

So maybe I am just a fool in love.

 

You certainly don't sound like a fool. Everything you've said in this post points to you handling the situation in a mature and capable manner. Of course your feelings aren't going to vanish overnight, and you can't really expect to feel like jumping into a new relationship (eg with the dance partner who has a crush on you). It sounds as if you're being very wise and contemplative about all this. I can only wish you a speedy recovery from these distressing events, and hope that you go on to find the happiness you deserve.

[Woggle]

I think what I was getting at is what is it about her he likes so much that he would be willing to overlook her walking out on him in this way? He needs to identify what those things are and weigh their absence against the negative aspects of living in a relationship with a woman he can probably never completely trust again. Once he identifies those things maybe he will realize that he can find some of those qualities that he admires in other women he can trust. The only exception, and its a big one, is the investment in time and personal history with his wife. That he can't get back and can't find with someone else. But at the end ot he day, he's going to have to ask himself if its worth it to put himself back on the line or someone who abandoned him. I mean, obviously, that history and investment in time isn't worth that much to her, or she wouldn't have walked.

 

What he fell in love with though was an illusion. Some women can be great actresses. I have dealt with a few woman that were oscar material themselves. They act like the nicest people and present themselves as angels but when you take off the mask they are demonesses that will suck the life out of you if you let them. Too many men though incuding myself fall for a pretty face and a smile but I learned from it and he should as well. It is hard to invest in something so much and have it blow up in your face but when life deals you bad cards you take them and flip them. That is what I have done every time life has tried to knock me down and I am not just talking about relationships. That is what guys like him and others need to do because in the end it makes you stronger. There is no point in making the same exact mistakes trying to salvage a history that was nothing more than a lie. He lived eleven years believeing a lie and it hurts like hell but point is there trying to live the lie any longer. He has plenty of life ;eft and he should live it.

[burning 4 revenge]

They act like the nicest people and present themselves as angels but when you take off the mask they are demonesses that will suck the life out of you if you let them.

 

I love that sentence and I agree, but being nice isn't necessarily one of the qualities that makes me hold on emotionally. Sure I'd prefer that they're good, honorable, and trustworthy people, but those qualities in and of themselves aren't the qualities I tend to fall in love with. I think its more a mix of their looks, their sense of humor and their way of thinking that lures me in regarldss of whether they're good people, or not.

 

The thing is its almost impossible to make a lifetime commitment work with someone who is either devoid of honesty and character, or, more oftentimes, too mentally and emotionally screwed up to be trusted.

[alphamale]

Too many men though incuding myself fall for a pretty face and a smile but I learned from it and he should as well.

from a male perspective....the better looking the woman the worse you have to treat her to keep her around. its just the way of the world. they are so used to men groveling and pandering to them all day long that they can only respect a man who treats them badly.

[Woggle]

 

I love that sentence and I agree, but being nice isn't necessarily one of the qualities that makes me hold on emotionally. Sure I'd prefer that they're good, honorable, and trustworthy people, but those qualities in and of themselves aren't the qualities I tend to fall in love with. I think its more a mix of their looks, their sense of humor and their way of thinking that lures me in regarldss of whether they're good people, or not.

 

The thing is its almost impossible to make a lifetime commitment work with someone who is either devoid of honesty and character, or, more oftentimes, too mentally and emotionally screwed up to be trusted.

 

Maybe men and women are not so different after all because this is exactly what attracts women to bad boys. As for looks almost any woman can look good these days with all the plastic surgery, liposuction, makeup and all that. A woman has to be hideous not to be able to pull it off. Show me a woman that can keep the same body god gave her, take off the makeup and still look beautiful and then I will be impressed. Even with that a woman that looks good on the inside but is ugly on the outside will turn me off real quick. I have talked to women that were a perfect 10 and when they open up their mouth they drop to a 2.

 

I tend to have very good instincts about people and if something seems off about a woman usually I am right so I break it off. I have also warned my friends about women and 9 times out of 10 I was right. This guy did not hone those instincts well enough and he got burnt. It is a bad thing to have to go through but it happens to most of us and he is far from the only man to experience this. I would say to him to concentrate on being a father to his children and protecting his ass in the divorce.

[Woggle]

from a male perspective....the better looking the woman the worse you have to treat her to keep her around. its just the way of the world. they are so used to men groveling and pandering to them all day long that they can only respect a man who treats them badly.

 

It's a good thing that I am not attracted to the typical woman many men are attracted to. If you ask me Britney Spears and Pamela Anderson are ugly as hell yet they seem to be what men find attractive these days. I am more attracted to nerdy type of women and there has to be some substance to her for me to have an attraction. Nerds are some of the most underrated women to go for and they tend to be the most genuinly nice women. Borders is probably a better place to keep Ms Right than the club. If a man dates some beauty queen who is obsessed with her looks of course she will be stuck up and will treat him badly.

[burning 4 revenge]

from a male perspective....the better looking the woman the worse you have to treat her to keep her around. its just the way of the world. they are so used to men groveling and pandering to them all day long that they can only respect a man who treats them badly.

I don't think this is true. By this simple logic I can get in a social circle and find someone on the physical level of Uma Thurman or Kate Winslett and all I have to do is be nasty to them and they'll be confused and start following me around on the playground.

 

Why do I think its much more likely that they'll think I'm a bitter, demented jerk.

[alphamale]

If a man dates some beauty queen who is obsessed with her looks of course she will be stuck up and will treat him badly.

theres a proverb that tells men that if they want a happy life to marry a homely women...

 

no joking

[alphamale]

I don't think this is true. By this simple logic I can get in a social circle and find someone on the physical level of Uma Thurman or Kate Winslett and all I have to do is be nasty to them and they'll be confused and start following me around on the playground.

Uma and Kate are not average beauties. They are smart and talented and wealthy. How many Uma's do you see at your local Target store or the bar?? Zero.

 

WE're talking average garden-variety attractive women here.

 

Buffoon

[burning 4 revenge]

Uma and Kate are not average beauties. They are smart and talented and wealthy. How many Uma's do you see at your local Target store or the bar?? Zero.

 

WE're talking average garden-variety attractive women here.

 

Buffoon

I didn't say Uma Thurman and Kate Winslett themselves.

 

And your declaration was that the better looking the woman the worse you have to treat them for them to respect you. I don't think thats true. They'll respect whatever it is they individually respect and value about a man, and that's a case by case basis.

[alphamale]

And your declaration was that the better looking the woman the worse you have to treat them for them to respect you. I don't think thats true.

yeah? well i think you're wrong...

 

They'll respect whatever it is they individually respect and value about a man, and that's a case by case basis.

so my observations are wrong over the past 20+ yrs that the best looking women have the biggest a**hole males around them??

[Woggle]

There is a difference between women that are born attractive and women who spend an hour in the mirror becoming attractive or go to the plastic surgery center and pay good money to become attractive. The former are some of the best women you can find but the latter you should stay away from.

[alphamale]

There is a difference between women that are born attractive and women who spend an hour in the mirror becoming attractive or go to the plastic surgery center and pay good money to become attractive. The former are some of the best women you can find but the latter you should stay away from.

no woman is "born attractive"....they are all made attractive. under all the tons of makeup you'll find mostly skanks.

 

98% of these so called good-looking women are all smoke and mirrors

[burning 4 revenge]

How did this guy's marriage thread turn into the misogyny thread?

[alphamale]

How did this guy's marriage thread turn into the misogyny thread?

my point is that men need to dominate women....

[burning 4 revenge]

my point is that men need to dominate women....

i think i'm beginning to see why you're such a fan of the moslem world

[Woggle]

no woman is "born attractive"....they are all made attractive. under all the tons of makeup you'll find mostly skanks.

 

98% of these so called good-looking women are all smoke and mirrors

 

My wife looks great when she first wakes up in the morning. Some women do have natural beauty.