In Sync Posted November 11, 2006 Posted November 11, 2006 ok, I've been off the boards for quite a while. for those who remembered me from over a year ago, I too suffered through a break-up of someone who ended it with me during the time my mom passed away and spent the year recovering and getting to a place where yes I feel much better and "see the light" that it was a failed relationship from the get go. ex was a verbal abuser and I was in it way too long. that is a short summary. In the meanwhile, I've resume getting myself on track, focusing on my goals and spiritual life, and seeing the fruits of my efforts to overcome that painful period. yet I periodically (maybe when I'm overwhelmed with work or stressed or oh I don't know, when I don't take control of my thoughts) I STILL have memories of the ex. Sometimes intense and then I start feeling sad about the entire past with him again. ughhh, then I get caught up feeling guilty about still thinking about him..I thought I was doing well, but he plagues my memories. I know so much time has past by SO why is this still happening? I feel like a part of me deep inside simply can't wipe my memory bank clean of him...
JamesM Posted November 11, 2006 Posted November 11, 2006 Welcome back...I think is in order, but when I read your thread history, you HAVE been somewhat regular. But either way, welcome. And I am sorry for the loss of your mother. The breakup must have made the loss of her even more painful. I have not thoroughly investigated your past, but it appears that you haven't had a relationship since the one with the abusive partner. Correct? I am willing to guess that this is why you feel the loss yet. I think that from my experience...a new person to love will erase those memories that keep popping up. Have you been seeking a new relationship? I understand this past year has been tough....maybe now is a better time to try?
Author In Sync Posted November 11, 2006 Author Posted November 11, 2006 Welcome back...I think is in order, but when I read your thread history, you HAVE been somewhat regular. But either way, welcome. And I am sorry for the loss of your mother. The breakup must have made the loss of her even more painful. I have not thoroughly investigated your past, but it appears that you haven't had a relationship since the one with the abusive partner. Correct? I am willing to guess that this is why you feel the loss yet. I think that from my experience...a new person to love will erase those memories that keep popping up. Have you been seeking a new relationship? I understand this past year has been tough....maybe now is a better time to try? How did you know. to be quite honest not a single date after one failed attempt at one way back in january, since then nothing...I sort feel like well, panic scared at the idea. It's like I lost that mojo. or whatever it takes to feel confidence in that arena, so I let that muscle go...I want to have that feeling of being infatuated and love but then I think oh, I'm afraid of experiencing that sort of hurt again. So I bottle it. but not very well though.
JamesM Posted November 11, 2006 Posted November 11, 2006 .I want to have that feeling of being infatuated and love but then I think oh, I'm afraid of experiencing that sort of hurt again. So I bottle it. but not very well though. Unfortunately, we all experience hurt...even when we marry someone. This will be inevitable. But on the other hand, when you are in a COMMITTED and loving relationship where BOTH parties treat each other respectfully, you should soon feel that panic disappear. Whether it is the next guy or the one after, I believe that you will find one, but like riding a bicycle or any other new thing, you will be hurt and will need to keep trying. Maybe if you started by "dating" a guy friend or two? Or simply going out with no intention of a longterm relationship?
KittenMoon Posted November 11, 2006 Posted November 11, 2006 Hey In Sync- I was struck by something my psychiatrist said to me the other day. It was only my third appt with her over a few months, she only monitors my meds, so she didn't know much about my situation. BUT, I was having an AWFUL time (you can check my last thread to see the suckiness) and I was lamenting about not being over it yet, not being where I thought I SHOULD be at that point, and she said to me, without skipping a beat and with at tone of incredulity: "This was a significant relationship to you, and it hasn't even been a year yet!" I was dumbfounded. But at the same time, it made me feel like maybe it wasn't so unusual to still be grieving somewhat well down the road. It doesn't mean we haven't travelled a long distance, it just means we just might not get to the end of it as soon as we think, or as soon as we thing we should. I hope this was at least a bit helpful- knowing you're not alone and that apparently, this isn't that unusual.
alphamale Posted November 12, 2006 Posted November 12, 2006 I know so much time has past by SO why is this still happening? becuase women love the bad boys who treat them like dirt. you would never feel this way if he was "nice guy". He used and abused you and you equate that with love just like most females. you rarely hear of woman who is crying boo hoo hoo cause "nice guy" dumped her...
Author In Sync Posted November 12, 2006 Author Posted November 12, 2006 Maybe if you started by "dating" a guy friend or two? Or simply going out with no intention of a longterm relationship? JamesM...This is where I veered off course. Basically to heal I focused solely on my work and let my social life wither away...I took the loner route. Recently I went to a party..for Halloween and did start mingling and all the while I felt disconnected. I even chatted with a guy, but in my mind I felt like I was watching me. Panic and felt uncomfortable. I don't get stage fright on stage but in social setting I think oh, I'm not better yet. "This was a significant relationship to you, and it hasn't even been a year yet!" I was dumbfounded. But at the same time, it made me feel like maybe it wasn't so unusual to still be grieving somewhat well down the road. It doesn't mean we haven't travelled a long distance, it just means we just might not get to the end of it as soon as we think, or as soon as we thing we should. I hope this was at least a bit helpful- knowing you're not alone and that apparently, this isn't that unusual. That did help me Kittenmoon, because sometimes I feel like no one can imagine that I still healing and What's wrong with me...? Everyone else bounces back and I'm still dealing with this lingering bullcrap. I suppose I'm expecting too much of myself too soon. Regardless if its been a year. I need to try stop beating myself over some timeframe I set on myself over when I should be done grieving. becuase women love the bad boys who treat them like dirt. you would never feel this way if he was "nice guy". He used and abused you and you equate that with love just like most females. you rarely hear of woman who is crying boo hoo hoo cause "nice guy" dumped her... alphamale, I think I understand your point But I don't get why I still think of him. I understand he didn't love me. I did love him, if I can call it that... so you're saying my inability of seeing his treatment as not love is why I still think of him?
KittenMoon Posted November 12, 2006 Posted November 12, 2006 so you're saying my inability of seeing his treatment as not love is why I still think of him? In Sync- I think we'll continue to think about them long after the emotions are dead and buried and we realy have moved on. I still think of guys I liked in high school sometimes, rarely, but sometimes. Wondering still why they never liked me. It becomes bizarrely reflective, almost looking curiously at your past like its a movie, because I no longer have any desire for any of these guys. Heck, one sprained my thumb, and another turned out to be gay! But I still think of them sometimes..... so I dont' know if that will ever really go away. But it might... I realized today I can't even remember what my first boyfriend looked like....
Author In Sync Posted November 12, 2006 Author Posted November 12, 2006 I feel so frustrated because I've done everything I NC'd, I focused my time and put my attention on everything most purposeful in my life, I gave myself time and didn't jump into a rebound relationship...I worked on me..and still it's like I'm dealing with thoughts or memories of him.. and I know rationally he was awful my time with him was awful..but I can't stop myself from going there. Why am I torturing myself still?!?!
alphamale Posted November 12, 2006 Posted November 12, 2006 alphamale, I think I understand your point But I don't get why I still think of him. I understand he didn't love me. I did love him, if I can call it that... so you're saying my inability of seeing his treatment as not love is why I still think of him? the HOPE of being together plus the DOUBT of not being together creates great feelings of love...
AriaIncognito Posted November 12, 2006 Posted November 12, 2006 becuase women love the bad boys who treat them like dirt. you would never feel this way if he was "nice guy". He used and abused you and you equate that with love just like most females. you rarely hear of woman who is crying boo hoo hoo cause "nice guy" dumped her... I've had breakups with several "nice guys". Those break ups hurt just as much as any other. Just because someone is a nice guy, doesn't mean they are going to love you. I dont think i've been with a single "bad boy" my entire life, and have no want to. I've not been used, nor abused, by any man.
Teacher's Pet Posted November 12, 2006 Posted November 12, 2006 I still have recurring memories about my ex. I remember (well, keep remembering) this one night, I was lying in her bed, just staring at the ceiling, thinking about how great it (our relationship) all was. She was sound asleep next to me, which is odd, because I usually pass out first (yeah yeah, typical male).... I'm just letting my thoughts wander, and I feel her leg drape over mine, and literally "pin" my leg there as her foot stroked my ankle. I looked over, and she was still asleep. She then inched closer to me, resting her head on my chest for the rest of the night..... I assume she was having a very nice dream about us at the time. Now I just need to find that feeling again. -tp better than a teddybear
alphamale Posted November 12, 2006 Posted November 12, 2006 Now I just need to find that feeling again. you will brother...in due time
Author In Sync Posted November 12, 2006 Author Posted November 12, 2006 the HOPE of being together plus the DOUBT of not being together creates great feelings of love... At this point any grain of an explanation I will take..because I know in my rational world, he's NOT returning, so I'm thinking what you are saying is that this "hope and doubt" is going on somewhere still in the back of my mind. Because he is completely out the picture.. (there's no running into him on my job or neighborhood or common friends..really for all I know he's back in his country of origin or across the country or Timbuktu) So my frustrations are with this given fact of never seeing him, why does he still linger in my mind. If hypnosis worked I would do it. If there were a way to wipe someone from my memory bank..yep I'd be a prime candidate. First in line, because these memories just wear me down spirit-wise. I'm not one of those who see the benefits of thinking about this past love.
heartnsoul Posted November 12, 2006 Posted November 12, 2006 I think James was on to something..... Your ex ... is your last memory of those 'in love' feelings that we all want to embrace for better or worse. And, because of that, IMO, that piece of all of us that wants to be and feel 'in love' is what binds you to him, emotionally. I wouldn't necessarily suggest that you jump in head first into anything but I think you should open yourself up to possibilites. Even if you don't feel 100% 'into it' in the beginning. It is in fact like riding a bike for the first time in years. It'll be awkward at first but once you acclamate and get the wheels in motion (so to speak) it'll become more second nature. As far as 'beating yourself up' over these lingering emotions ... Stop! He was a part of your being for however long the relationship lasted. And, like anything that affects us in life ... the memories will always linger. The effort needs to come in when the reality of those repressed emotions make their way to the surface. "Water will always follow the path of least resistance" that can hold true to so many aspects in life. Let your feelings flow and open yourself up to the new and things will eventually begin to flow. Keep the faith, always ......
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