i treated him badly

[Guest]

ive been sitting here reading posts for like 2 hours and i just started crying all of a sudden. I feel so ashamed...i broke up with my boyfriend a couple of days ago basically because there were problems in the relationship(anger issues, bad sex, lying) and because i met someone a couple of weeks ago a i liked it, i liked the feeling of being free to do as i pleased. I still stayed though, i was a coward and couldn't leave him, his affection, our home together. I was having doubts and realizing i was only 22 and hadn't experienced a lot and i wasn't sure he was the one. Still i was loving and caring towards him because i felt it, the only thing that could point to what was going on inside me was the fact that i didn't want to sleep with him anymore. This lack of sexual interest had been going on for ages but still i fooled myself and stayed because i kept telling myself i loved´him. I only broke it off finally when he made me angry over smoking and i used it as an excuse because i suddenly accepted that he wasn't the one, not right now.

 

I'm heartbroken and missing him and i don't want to let him go. It took reading all those posts to realize how i disrespected him, how dishonest i was to myself and to him, i even read the other guys emails in front of him, i agreed to go out with him and still i was lovin with this other guy, i feel so ashamed and im so sorry and i hope he never knows because it would hurt him even more and he would not trust anyone again. I would've never have considered myself a bad twisted person until now, and i cant believe i had the nerve to hope that a couple of months apart would do as well and maybe we could get back together, after we've both "lived" and little bit more. What am i doin´g to this guy? he has his faults and im not entirely to blame but if care about him so much why cant i just let him go? Its what i have to do, stop obsessing about whether hes gonna contact me or not, how quickly hes gonna get over me or not, the truth is the more hes away from me the faster he will heal, and the clearer i am about not wanting to be together the less hes gonna want to be back with me.

 

Thank god i broke up with him before i actually blatantly cheated on him, i cant believe i could've just come back home and found excuses to support my behaviour, he wouldn't have done that to me, hes so innocent and thinks im a nice girl with firm morals. Obviously im not. I care about him so much i realize he needs away from me, hes not the one for me and im to the one for him even if he thinks i am right now.

 

Since i don't have the courage to tell him this i don't want to hurt him further im writing it here. i couldnt bare to see him crying again i just couldnt.