kevxxx Posted November 11, 2006 Posted November 11, 2006 Hi everyone, I'm so glad I've found this forum, I don't have any close friends/family to talk to. I've been married to a gorgeous woman for 19yrs whom I love loads and (until recently) she also adored me. I'm 41. These last few years I've sunk into depression and general anxiety (probably due to work), and put my wife through it a bit (unnecessary jealousy, posseveness, insecurity, negative, no fun, too dependant etc...) to the point that she is now uncertain of our future. A couple of weeks ago she told me she didn't love me anymore, but she doesn't want me to leave (at the moment). We still seem to be 'acting' as a married couple (minus all physical contact) and still talk together, seem to get on, look after the kids, shop together etc....and nobody seems to suspect. She says she still cares about me. I long to have her back but she seems so hard and cold, she doesn't know what she wants. There is no interest in any other person and there has been no physical abuse, apart from my 'issues' we get on great. It's going to be so hard to prove to her that I can sort out my problem. My depression and anxiety are now being treated by my GP and I suppose it's taken this 'upset' to do what I should have done years ago. My GP has said that within a few weeks the anti-depreesants will start to work and that I probably need councilling. Has it gone too far to sort out, have I driven her away for good, or is there a chance that she'll return to loving me. Should I stay around or leave. Trouble is at the moment, I might not be thinking straight anyway, but it's come as a bit of a shock, I've never ever felt so low. Has anyone had similar experiences. Many, many thanks for reading this far, hope you can help.
JamesM Posted November 11, 2006 Posted November 11, 2006 No, based on your story, I think you have quite a bit of hope. First, you are being treated for depression. This is a huge incentive for you to now begin courting your wife all over again She needs to know that you not only have changed, but that you have changed towards her. For the past few years, she has not received your love...I am guessing....because you have been so concerned about yorself. She has been repeatedly hurt over and over. I suggest you pretend that you need to win her heart again....because I think you do. Second, as far as you know, there is no one else. If there is/was, it would make it much more difficult for you. Third, she hasn't left and doesn't want you to leave. This means...from my perspective...she has some hope that the treatment you are receiving will help. As long as she has hope, you have a chance. So, as Flyininclouds would say, "be a man." And since I think it needs a definition, here is my definition... Starting today, begin strategizing and taking charge of your marriage. What does she like to do? Where does she like to go? Take her on dates. Begin dressing up for her...shave, take showers, etc. This is the woman whom you married. Decide to regain her love. Seduce her. Listen to her. Talk with her. Lover her. Spend time with her. Don't expect her to warm up immediately. At first she may reject you...it is a test. Be patient and do not get angry. Be understanding. APologize for all that you have been. Tell her that you have changed, but don't keep telling her. She needs to feel that this isn't some short term change. She needs to see it last for awhile. If you don't do this and don't begin today, tomorrow may be too late. Now go do the right thing. She deserves it. You deserve it. Keep us updated...we are your friends. Many of us have been there. Many of us no longer are.
Author kevxxx Posted November 12, 2006 Author Posted November 12, 2006 Thanks JamesM for your comments, really appreciated. I have some days where I think there is hope for me and other 'negative' days when I think 'no way'. I'm trying to be realistic and I know my life is on a knife edge right now. I should have mentioned that it's not the lack of love I've shown my wife that is a problem, it's actually the fact (due to anxiety probably) I've suffocated her and made her feel guilty about everything she does that doesn't involve me. I think I need to get a life basically and ease off her a bit. I work from home and often feel very isolated, and this has been a problem. I need to 'chill' a bit and show her I can get on with my thing, she can do hers and we can meet up somewhere in the middle and not worry. Once again, thanks for any advice.
Recommended Posts