myflyby Posted November 11, 2006 Posted November 11, 2006 hey..I realise this whole situation is going to sound like an episode of the OC, but bear with me my boyfriend and I live about a 2hr train away from eachother, we're both at Uni. He has a strong network of friends, in fact, as a group they have rented two houses on the same street, and its very like 'Friends' or something. In my boyfriends house there is one other guy, and four girls. In the other house there is 6 guys. All the girls in my boyfriends house are taken, except one. Since I first met her I've always been wary of her, shes very close with my boyfriend and theres something about her i can't define but has always set off my 'girl radar'. The first time I met her was when they had all just moved into Uni and met eachother, and I was convinced she fancied my boyfriend. I am a paranoid type though, so just ignore it. Last night all of them (including the guys) had a massive sleepover type thing in my boyfriends room, where they watched movies etc. The girl I dont really trust has really been into one of the other guys recently, and in the middle of the night, she started kissing my boyfriend, (aparently) thinking it was this other guy. it was dark....etc.... my boyfriend kissed back, ("I was half asleep and thought it was you" - i wasnt even in the same area code) and he says when he realised what was going on he asked her what she was doing and she realised it wasnt who she thought it was, and was "completely embarrassed". but i just dont believe it. my boyfriend and this other guy couldnt be more different. the guy is like 5'6 or something, and my boyfriend is 6'3. so many little things convince me that theres no way she could have mistaken them. and even if she had, i can promise you she wasnt washing her mouth out in disgust afterwards. how am i supposed to act next time i see her? should i be wary of her? am i over reacting? it drives me mad that stuff like this is happening while im so far away. and even if the whole thing was innocent, the image of them kissing is driving me mad. we've been together three and a half years, btw. what do you think?
norajane Posted November 11, 2006 Posted November 11, 2006 It's not her you need to worry about. It's your boyfriend. How did he act when he told you about this? Was he sorry and apologetic, or did he try to act like it wasn't a big deal and you shouldn't be bothered by what happened? That he says he was "half asleep and thought it was you" is the lame excuse you need to be concerned about, not whether she thought it was him or not. He's not a child - he's a grown up who should know better and who should be kissing your ass right now trying to make it up to you if it were truly a mistake.
Author myflyby Posted November 11, 2006 Author Posted November 11, 2006 yeah well he took both tacks... he told me pretty much as soon as it happened (well, in the morning anyway) and he keeps apologising profusely about it. but he also said that he thinks its hilarious and not something i should worry about. I do trust him completely and I really don't think he's lying to me. he told me what had happened straight away and feels horrible about it. im more worried about her.
norajane Posted November 11, 2006 Posted November 11, 2006 im more worried about her. She can't do anything if he doesn't let her, if he doesn't want her to. She can walk stark naked into his bedroom, but if he doesn't want her there, he'll just kick her out. It's not her. It's all about HIM.
Author myflyby Posted November 11, 2006 Author Posted November 11, 2006 im not worried that something is going to happen between them, i know it isn't, because he isnt interested in her, he's with me. my original question was how should i act next time i see her, and am i overreacting by being upset.
norajane Posted November 11, 2006 Posted November 11, 2006 Just ignore it. What's the point of doing anything else?
YellowLioness Posted November 11, 2006 Posted November 11, 2006 Nora's right- you can't control another person, let alone two other people. I can tell you one thing, if it's happened once, it's likely to happen again. My suggestion is that if you cannot accept this kind of behavior, you may want to consider either finding another boyfriend, or being single for a while. Truly, it doesn't sound like your man feels that bad about it, especially if he's trying to blow off your concerns (ie making jokes about what happened). Sure, it's great that he told you about it, but that's what he's supposed to do. Sort of reminds me of those people that brag about how they take care of their kids- well, you're supposed to do that, it's nothing to brag about. You may have more problems then what you know. Behavior is usually a reflection of a mental state, and his excuses were stupid and flimsey. I would call him out on it, but that's just me. Good luck! Hope things work out for you!
Author myflyby Posted November 11, 2006 Author Posted November 11, 2006 wow ok these reactions are totally over the top. SHE was kissing HIM. he stopped her and told her that she'd got the wrong guy. did you even read the OP properly??
Guest Posted November 12, 2006 Posted November 12, 2006 I would find it very hard to believe that your boyfriend made an innocent mistake there. He knows you are a long way away he would not expect to be kissing you. Sounds like a moment of weakness to me, if I was in your situation I'd be feeling very insecure and going nuts. I'm kind of a paranoid person too I guess.
Author myflyby Posted November 12, 2006 Author Posted November 12, 2006 ok so maybe it was because i wrote the OP when i was still upset about it, but if this is the dramatic advice you give everyone then there are some seriously messed up people out there. typing "your boyfriends a dawg" and then kicking back and waiting for more drama to ensue?! have you ever been woken up in the middle of the night, and not known where you are, before you kick back into reality? I have...I've actually seen someones face, spoken to them, and then found out in the morning i was talking to someone else completely. i am usually with him on the weekends, and i often wake him up with kisses in the middle of the night so i can sort of understand the confusion. my boyfriend might as well have "loyal" and "honest" tattoed on his forehead. i know there are a lot of blind women out there, but TRUST ME, he would not have been kissing this girl knowingly. since the OP ive asked him to completely describe what happened, and he said it was little more than a peck before he realised what was happening. yellowlioness - he does feel really bad about it. hes apologised a million times (for waking up with someone elses lips on him) and said he feels quite disturbed about what happened. (imagine having only ever kissed me, ever, and then have some other girl try in on in his own bed). seriously guys, by bf is not the issue here. its this girl. i just dont believe she could have mixed him up with this other guy. I know nothing will happen with my bf and her, because my bf wouldnt let it, but she still pisses me off because regardless of the circumstances, she kissed my bf. anyway, thanks for your (misguided) advice, I think I can take it from here
YellowLioness Posted November 12, 2006 Posted November 12, 2006 Hey, it's a free forum, and if you don't like the advice, sorry. I think it's really niave of you to take the position you are taking. However, you know the guy far better then any of us here do, and if you think that it's innocent, then awesome for you. I think that it will probably happen again. Or, if you're extremely unlucky, a kiss wasn't the only thing that happened. As for how you should react to her- ask her about it before you see her. Call her on the phone and have a serious talk. See how she feels about what happened. Tell her how you feel, and that way when you see her things possibly may be less awkward. Besides, she may have a different opinion on things as they happened with your boyfriend, and it's always good to get both sides of a situation. Unfortunately, that's all you can do. You can't force her to stop hitting on your boyfriend. When you come visit him, you are in her house, and she can pretty much do what she wants. And when I said call him on it, once again, all you can do is state your concerns. I didn't imply that you should get ghetto with him and throw a brick at his head- simply open up a line of communication. How dramatic it gets is your concern. If his answers aren't good enough for you and if you feel that you have no control in the situation, then I wouldn't know what to tell you, other then the advice you've already been given that you don't want to listen to. Once again, good luck!
lighthouse Posted November 12, 2006 Posted November 12, 2006 Myflyby - I understand that you think people are "misguided" however I think that they were giving you some sound advice. It is advice that you don't want to hear but it is good advice nonetheless. When you post something people respond based on their experiences and their opinions and it may not be what you want to hear but it is the responses that you do not want to hear that are often (not always but often) the most valuable. You say that it is her problem and he was confused but at the end of your post you say "and even if the whole thing was innocent, the image of them kissing is driving me mad." Exactly. Them kissing. Not only her. LH
norajane Posted November 12, 2006 Posted November 12, 2006 I reread all the posts and no one said your "boyfriend is a dawg". What people are trying to say is that both of them were responsible for what happened, even if it was a mistake. - You firmly believe it's possible for your bf to have kissed her back without realizing it wasn't you. - You are skeptical that her kissing him was a case of mistaken identity. - You want to know what you should do about her. I'm saying it's not you that needs to do anything as you weren't responsible for what happened. I'm saying they both need to take responsibility for it and do something. - Your bf should take responsibility and talk to her. He should tell her that kind of behavior is unacceptable for either of them to do. Even if it was a mistake, it did happen, and it has upset you. He should tell her that he has apologized to you. He should ask her to apologize to you. - She should take responsibility and apologize to you. If he won't ask her to apologize to you, he's not really taking your feelings into account. He's not seeing that you are still upset despite his apologies to you. He's not seeing that you are concerned about her behavior, and theh potential for her to do something like this again. If HE won't do anything, it won't help for YOU to do or say anything to her.
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