same old story

[PCB]

Hi,

 

I was on LS for some time as a different user, posting only in the marriage forum. I had marital problems, which started in spring 2005: my wife started to lose interest in me, started to go out without me, our already failing sex life was failing more, she started to respect me less, and so on. This summer I learned that she had several lovers, I moved out and demanded a divorce. Now we are divorced. I'm in my late twenties, no kids. My past life is behind me, and I'm glad to move forward.

 

A new life has started, and I was lucky to find a nice woman, who wants a serious relationship. She has many good qualities, and yet I can't make up my mind. I have trouble to trust her, even though I don't think I have the reasons. I want a serious relationship myself, but I don't know if it's time for me, with all the distrust, and hatred for my exwife.

 

What's you experience or advice?

[anna13]

all I can say about that is sometimes you have to just do what you feel . If this new woman in your life makes you happy and she hasnt done anything to cause you to distrust her and your distrust of your new relationship is because what you went through with your first wife, then I think you will have to just trust and believe in this new relationship that you have and dont let your old one poison it with negative thoughts. I think it is more along the lines of you not wanting to be hurt again . I can understand that . the best we can do is to believe in the people we care about in our lives and who care about us. yes there is a chance that someone might let you down or hurt you down the line ,but if that happens that is on them , you cant control what people will do . you can just live your life the bast you can . in the now . not the past and not the future. also this doesnt mean you have to marry this new woman right away or ever if you dont want to . just be commited to this new relationship and tell her this too if this is how you feel. that is just what I think of course

[PCB]

Anna13, thanks for your input. I agree with what you said. However, it's hard to apply this advice, even though I tried to live by these rules before.

 

My feelings are mixed up. Now I love and hate my life at the same time. I think I need time to think things over, and to know what I want. I need a plan for my life, and I don't have one yet. But I'll come up with it.

[amaysngrace]

I think you need to go really slow. You said she wants a serious relationship, but what does that mean really? Is she looking to get married?

 

I'm divorced and my current BF was cheated on by his exW. It took him a relatively long time to learn to trust me. He isn't completely healed himself from his bad marriage.

 

I think the most important thing is keeping the lines of communication open with this new girl. Let her know exactly where your head is at and exactly what your intentions are for today. Make no promises that you are unsure you will be able to keep. And let her know straight up where you're coming from. If she cares enough to respect your feelings in the relationship, then she is a good woman who is worthy of more trust from you.

 

But take it slow. Do what is within your own comfort level. But don't be dormant in your comfort that you aren't willing to go out on a limb and take a chance of bringing it to the next level, if she proves herself worthy.

 

Mostly you have to trust your heart. If you find yourself getting too attached to her and need reassurance from her, tell her. See how her reaction plays on your head and if she makes you comfortable in the relationship and the doubts you're faced with.

 

You need to keep in the front of your mind that your exW's cheating was entirely about your exW. It was her choice. She was selfish and cruel. You didn't cheat. You have standards and lines you won't cross. She had no such morals. But that was her. This one could be more like you.

 

I think people drift in and out of our lives for a reason. Maybe you and your wife drifted apart when you did to make room for someone better suited for you.

[anna13]

definitly the most important thing is if you are ready to take the next step. let your new lady know that you enjoy your company but there are things you have to sort out for yourself. It is probobly too soon after your divorce. If your are not ready then you shouldnt force yourself to commit to anyone right now. as for my advice , you can use that when you are good and ready . you have been hurt alot by your past reelationship . i just think that you proboby need more time to heal.

[anna13]

definitly the most important thing is if you are ready to take the next step. let your new lady know that you enjoy your company

I meant let your lady know thatayou enjoy her company ...oops .

[PCB]

Amaysngrace,

 

Thanks for you post. Your post kind of stroke a chord with me.

 

She doesn't want to get married now, but she's looking for a husband, as many dating people are. I look for a next wife too!

 

You and you BF are a good match in that you are both divorced. Good luck to you. Did you divorce because of infidelity?

 

My GF has had several relationships before. The longest one was a year and a half. But she never got married. I this relationship I feel the worse one, because I'm divorced.

 

We had a sincere talk, and she got upset. She thought that we are on a good path, that in sometime we could think about living together, and I told her that I'm uncertain, and that I have doubts. Luckily, after sometime she understood and accepted how I think.

 

You see, as far as I know she has never been cheated on, and I don't think she fully understands what I went through. Therefore, if a woman was divorcedand cheated on, that would be a plus in my case.

 

Do what is within your own comfort level. But don't be dormant in your comfort that you aren't willing to go out on a limb and take a chance of bringing it to the next level, if she proves herself worthy.

 

Ah, but where's the limit! I hate the feeling of being uncertain, and over-cautious. A man should be able to take calculated risks and be brave. A good parallel would be this: a guy crashed his car, was hurt badly, and recovered after a long time. I guess he won't he happy to drive fast again, and it doesn't prove he's a coward. God, I should be a writer...

 

I think people drift in and out of our lives for a reason. Maybe you and your wife drifted apart when you did to make room for someone better suited for you.

 

I like that line. I think that marriage is not only about love and respect. Most of all, it's about commitment and fidelity: even if the love/passion is gone, you should know the direction. So even if you drift away a bit, the marriage can be salvaged. I'm glad that I learned that my exwife wasn't committed and faithful.

[amaysngrace]

 

Therefore, if a woman was divorcedand cheated on, that would be a plus in my case.

 

 

 

Nobody that you meet is going to have the exact life circumstances as you do, which is the plus, IMO. Because you each can offer different insight into different situations speaking from experience. I think two people who have had infidelity occur could turn out to be a nightmare, in some ways.

 

Just because someone hasn't gone through what you have doesn't make them less empathetic to you, if they have a big heart.

 

To answer your question, no, my husband didn't cheat on me to my knowledge. But he was extremely abusive. Even as he was, I never cheated on him. So...it's a really great thing that I hooked up with my BF because I'd certainly never cheat on him and he'd never be an abuser. We communicate.

 

A man should be able to take calculated risks and be brave. A good parallel would be this: a guy crashed his car, was hurt badly, and recovered after a long time. I guess he won't he happy to drive fast again, and it doesn't prove he's a coward. God, I should be a writer...

 

 

Um...speeding and loving are like apples to oranges. Speeding is wreckless and once you get yourself healed properly, you will realize that loving is not.

[Sup]

Did you tell the other lady about what you just came out of? By the way, how did you find out that your ex cheated on ya, if you don't mind me asking.......

[PCB]

Did you tell the other lady about what you just came out of? By the way, how did you find out that your ex cheated on ya, if you don't mind me asking.......

 

Yes, I told her with many details. She was eager to know.

 

I found out about my ex-wife's cheating by reading her instant messanger logs.

[dgiirl]

PCB, you just got divorced a few months ago? In that case, you probably need to slow yourself down. Remember, this is a brand new start with someone new. Just because you went from meeting to dating to engaged to married with your exw does not mean you will have the same experience with every new person. And in that case, you do NOT need to analyze the whole relationship, it's potential for marriage, in the first nanoseconds of meeting the new girl. Let the relationship grow at it's own pace. She's a big girl and is responsible for her own emotions, just as you are responsible for your own. As long as you both are honest and communicate your feelings, that's all you can do.

 

You are feeling apprehensive and anxious, which I've experienced myself still after 2 years of separation. I'm not ready to date and/or have not met anyone I want to date. But I've taken baby steps throughout the year and with each new experience have been able to push myself further and further until i'm comfortable. If this new girl is worth it, then take it slow. You need to get ahold of your emotions, otherwise they will rule you.

 

Logically, I know you know all this. It's putting it into practice that's difficult.

 

One thing you might want to try to work on is to forgive your wife. You still have emotion for your wife. She's still in your head and it's impossible for you to give away anything you dont have. You really need to get rid of that hatred, that mistrust. Work on forgiveness and you will become more at peace. I posted a thread just a few months ago on Forgiveness. It was very insightful for me. I need to read it again

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t95279/?highlight=forgiveness

 

Are you going to counselling?

[PCB]

Just because someone hasn't gone through what you have doesn't make them less empathetic to you, if they have a big heart.

 

Perhaps, but if she was cheated on, then maybe I would be saved from what she told me yesterday. And she told me that a male friend of hers needed a place to stay and she accommodated him. She's a grad student, and lives in a house of students. So she accommodated the guy in her room. The guy was sleeping on a mattress on the floor, and she was sleeping on her bed. It's not a normal arrangement for me. I'm allergic to such situations, and I can't understand why she ventured to damage our relationship.

 

So...it's a really great thing that I hooked up with my BF because I'd certainly never cheat on him and he'd never be an abuser. We communicate.

 

Good luck! I think it's more about your heart than communication. I tried to communicate with my ex-wife, and she used this to lie and lie more.

[PCB]

definitly the most important thing is if you are ready to take the next step.

 

The next big step would be to start living together, and I'm not ready for it. I want to have a wife and kids, and so the natural step is to try living with her. But I just couldn't do it now! I need more time to know her better, especially after some disappointment she caused yesterday (my one post above).

[Sup]

Yes, I told her with many details. She was eager to know.

 

I found out about my ex-wife's cheating by reading her instant messanger logs.

 

 

I'm sure in a few years your Ex-wife will wake up and realize what she just threw away, but, it's too late. Reality will hit her very hard I'm sure.

[PCB]

One thing you might want to try to work on is to forgive your wife. You still have emotion for your wife.

 

I believe that true forgiveness is the real way to overcome such difficulties. But it has to be real, and I don't know how to get to that point. There are moments that I hate her, even though that I try to convince myself that she's the past. For the last several years she was the most important person in my life, and I tried whatever I could to make her happy, to make our life better. I was planning years ahead, not realizing that it could end so soon. Now I have hard time to fit into the new reality, because I didn't expect to be here.

 

I would forgive her more easily if she came clean and told me the truth. Instead, she lied and misled me many times to protect herself. At least I could say that she respected me if she came clean. She didn't love me, because she offered one of her lovers to leave me for him.

 

I accept that the marriage made no sense, because she didn't want to stay with me. And she has the right to say with whomever she wants. Maybe it's a good point to start. But still, the marriage committment ment nothing to her, and I can't respect her for that.

 

If not forgivness, then maybe at least "forgetness"!

 

Thanks for the link to your thread on forgiveness.

 

No, I don't go to counselling. I just talk with my family and I'm here for advice too. I'm from the Eastern Europe, and counseling almost doesn't exist.

[PCB]

I'm sure in a few years your Ex-wife will wake up and realize what she just threw away, but, it's too late. Reality will hit her very hard I'm sure.

 

I'm pretty sure of it too. Her lovers were worthless. She told me about them before as her friends (it was her tactic to lull my caution), so I know them a bit. They are trash.

[dgiirl]

I believe that true forgiveness is the real way to overcome such difficulties. But it has to be real, and I don't know how to get to that point. There are moments that I hate her, even though that I try to convince myself that she's the past. For the last several years she was the most important person in my life, and I tried whatever I could to make her happy, to make our life better. I was planning years ahead, not realizing that it could end so soon. Now I have hard time to fit into the new reality, because I didn't expect to be here.

 

I would forgive her more easily if she came clean and told me the truth. Instead, she lied and misled me many times to protect herself. At least I could say that she respected me if she came clean. She didn't love me, because she offered one of her lovers to leave me for him.

 

I accept that the marriage made no sense, because she didn't want to stay with me. And she has the right to say with whomever she wants. Maybe it's a good point to start. But still, the marriage committment ment nothing to her, and I can't respect her for that.

 

If not forgivness, then maybe at least "forgetness"!

 

Thanks for the link to your thread on forgiveness.

 

No, I don't go to counselling. I just talk with my family and I'm here for advice too. I'm from the Eastern Europe, and counseling almost doesn't exist.

 

I can completely empathize on everything you wrote. Being betrayed and then abandoned is one of the worse feelings in the world. And I understand that hatred and confusion of trying to make things make sense. I even talked about that in the thread I posted. There's some very wise people who posted in that thread and there's a lot for you to digest. In a way, the wound is still fresh for you and it will take time. You need to purge all the emotions you have, you need to grieve for a period of time, and I'm not sure you've had time to do that. And at the same time, you're trying to start a new relationship. It's going to be very difficult for you, but not impossible. Just take one step at a time.

 

 

Perhaps, but if she was cheated on, then maybe I would be saved from what she told me yesterday. And she told me that a male friend of hers needed a place to stay and she accommodated him. She's a grad student, and lives in a house of students. So she accommodated the guy in her room. The guy was sleeping on a mattress on the floor, and she was sleeping on her bed. It's not a normal arrangement for me. I'm allergic to such situations, and I can't understand why she ventured to damage our relationship.

 

Remember, she told you this freely. Which means she's not hiding things from you. I would be more concerned if she hid it from you. I know it's not the greatest situation, but unless it starts to become a pattern, I think she did the respectible thing.

[PCB]

Remember, she told you this freely. Which means she's not hiding things from you.

 

Her telling doesn't prove anything to me. My ex-wife told me similar stories while she was cheating. She told me about meeting her friends (who turned out later to be her lovers), told me many TRUE and uncomfortable details, showed me pictures. At the same time she was telling me that she loves me and that she hates cheaters. Now I know that all her "truthfulness" was just to hide the dirty truth and make me think she's honest.

 

I would be more concerned if she hid it from you. I know it's not the greatest situation, but unless it starts to become a pattern, I think she did the respectible thing.

 

What worries me is that she chose to help the friend, even though she knew our relarionship would suffer. The guy could have stayed in the TV room!

[dgiirl]

Perhaps you are not ready for a relationship then. Because to me, you are expecting this new girl to prove to you she wont cheat and yet she hasnt commited any past indiscretions. Is she suppose to give up all her male friends because your wife cheated on you? This direction will only lead you to become more controlling and demanding and is not a healthy step for you. I think counselling will be a good step for you. You need to purge your old baggage and therapy will help you do that.

[amaysngrace]

 

The guy was sleeping on a mattress on the floor, and she was sleeping on her bed. It's not a normal arrangement for me. I'm allergic to such situations, and I can't understand why she ventured to damage our relationship.

 

 

I think that would make me uncomfortable too initially. But the thing is, she told you about it. If she lets you know about it, chances are it is strictly a platonic friendship. Usually you need to beware of what is unsaid, IME.

 

I think you are still very sensitive in the trust department. I know being cheated on shattered my BFs ability to trust. He even use to go so far as to doubt himself, because the infidelity affected him so deeply. He trusted this woman, he loved this woman, and it was thrown in his face.

 

I can understand why he'd have so many doubts, same as you.

 

That's why I suggest you go slowly. It's going to take time to rebuild the trust. Especially if you find you are unable to trust even yourself completely. That can really be a huge blow to one's confidence. So go slow, take the time you need to get there, and know that the way it is now is not the way it's always going to be. It's just one of those things some people have to deal with from time to time.

 

Unfortunately, due to your exW's selfishness, you find yourself in that boat now. But please don't feel as though you're alone or wrong in your feelings, I think it's very normal.

 

But things will improve, I can almost guarantee it!

[Sup]

I'm pretty sure of it too. Her lovers were worthless. She told me about them before as her friends (it was her tactic to lull my caution), so I know them a bit. They are trash.

 

 

If you don't mind me saying, so is SHE! As the saying goes: Birds of a feather flock together!

[PCB]

If you don't mind me saying, so is SHE! As the saying goes: Birds of a feather flock together!

 

I guess. But I think she lost her way. A few years ago she seemed to know what she wanted. In the last year, however, she was confused, she was changing her mind on important things several times: on kids, where she wants to live, what job she wants. I think she can be confused about her life, and I feel sorry for her. I don't excuse her, because she's an adult and she's responsible for her actions.

 

I may feel a bit of compassion for her, because my new girlfriend wrote me that perhaps my ex-wife needs some help. Maybe she really does, but I don't feel like helping her after what she had put me through.

 

Her lovers are emotional trash, one is a cheating (not only with my ex-wife) married man with a kid who goes through a middle life crisis, another one is a promiscuous unaccomplished artists, and another one is a promiscuous unaccomplished architect who sought professionall help, because he lost the meaning of life. I do understand that you can have some emotional problems, but the difference is that they are seeking these problems.

 

So now she's in this uninspiring company. She lives alone, I guess, and is stuggling to pay her bills. And her family is very upset about what she did. But this is what she wanted, and I think in a way she's happy.

[PCB]

Is she suppose to give up all her male friends because your wife cheated on you?

 

Far from it. I want her to have her own life, friends and tasks. I'll not control her. However, I belive I can have some reasonable expectations. Sleeping with a guy alone in a room is considered sexual, even though they slept separate. Maybe for women it's not sexual, but for men it's hot. I simply don't want her to give me reasons to doubt, especially not now.

[PCB]

But things will improve, I can almost guarantee it!

 

Thanks for your support! I know it's already getting better. My new girlfriend is quite patient and helping me forgive and forget my ex-wife. Plus, now that I have her, I think much less about my ex-wife, because I think about her.