Sense&Sensibility Posted November 11, 2006 Posted November 11, 2006 Hello there, I'm new to LS. Accidently stumbled upon site. I've read a few threads and I think I might be in the right place for some useful advice. Here goes.... First of all I have always considered myself to be a woman of good morals and character, a person who is faithful and devoted to my husband and children. I have had a wonderful marriage. My husband loves me. My children are my pride and joy. I have had no reason to look outside my marriage for anybody else. So whats the problem? Why am I here? As I write this I am trying to figure out a good way to word this without confusing anyone. I am here because I met a man 10 months ago I had no interest in him at first. We became friends, because we share a common love for running and we belong to the same running club and live in the same city. His family and my family attend the same church and our children belong to the same sport leagues and to top it off they all attend the same school. We see these people quite often. We even go out to dinner and attend school functions together. His wife is a super nice person, I like her, and would not want to hurt her in any way. He is a kind person as well, but I believe we are inappropriatley falling for each other. I notice the more time we interact with each other the more I sense the need to be close to him and it really scares me to feel this way. This has all come way out of left field for me. It is all out of character for me to behave this way. We e-mail each other nice forwarded messages we receive from others, but one e-mail in particular I received said that he was sending this to me because he really cared for me. It was an e-mail about people you care for and cherish should be told as often as possible. I did not respond to it as of yet, It could be he wrote it or someone else had written it from before and it was just included in the e-mail. Either way the signals I am getting are that of someone who is attracted to me and might want to pursue a physical relationship at some point with me. The chemistry is quite intense I have never felt this way before. I sense he is feeling the same way too. As a matter of fact I think he knows it. Between us our feelings towards each other have been left unspoken. It's almost like a game to see who will break first and come clean towards each others feelings towards one another. I don't know how long I can hide this. I am not feeling to good about myself as of lately. I go to sleep thinking of him and wake up with thoughts on how I can include him in my day. It is so unfair to my husband and children and I feel like such a loser for falling for someone elses husband. I feel especially low today because I am celebrating an anniversary tomorrow with my husband who has planned a wondeful dinner for just the two of us. How lucky can a girl get with such a thoughtful man as my husband. What is wrong with me? Is this common? Do people go through this all the time, and I ask myself what sort of test am I being put through? I need to surpass this and move on, but it's almost like some sort of addiction that I feel. it's euphoric! I know I would never leave my family for this man nor would I expect him to leave his for me. Do you think it's possible to have a strong connection towards another person without having to get physical and live that way with just knowing how we feel for each other? would that suffice? Or does something like this always end up physical? Any useful advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you in advance for your input.
norajane Posted November 11, 2006 Posted November 11, 2006 People develop attractions, crushes, and infatuations for other people throughout their lives even though they are married. We don't just shut off the part of ourselves that notices attractive people just because we are married or in relationships. However, you do not need to act on an attraction!!! Appreciate the ego boost, enjoy the flattering attention, but there's no need to get carried away and start imagining you belong together and both need to leave your families and spouses! Do not for one second believe that you don't have control over this! Think back to high school and college - weren't there all kinds of people you developed crushes on and thought you just had to have them? And then a month later, someone else caught your eye and you forgot about the past 10 crushes you had? Just let it go and don't make more out of this than there is. Replace your fanciful thoughts with the real, solid, time-tested love you have for your wonderful husband and family.
Fun2BMe Posted November 11, 2006 Posted November 11, 2006 I think you have to first of all stop the email. Then consider either moving to a different city or cutting him off completely from your life even if it means to change churches and your children's school. Also, force and make yourself stop thinking about him. The moment he pops into your head make yourself think of your husband instead and don't let it be an option until it becomes automatic. I don't see anything good coming out of this and don't think you'll be able to keep it nonphysical unless you really decide to and then stick to it. It won't be easy in the beginning but once you get over him you'll be proud of how strong you were to have successfully resisted the temptation.
frannie Posted November 11, 2006 Posted November 11, 2006 First of all I have always considered myself to be a woman of good morals and character, a person who is faithful and devoted to my husband and children. I have had a wonderful marriage. My husband loves me. My children are my pride and joy. I have had no reason to look outside my marriage for anybody else. So whats the problem? Why am I here? As I write this I am trying to figure out a good way to word this without confusing anyone. I am here because I met a man 10 months ago I had no interest in him at first. We became friends, because we share a common love for running and... I would say your story is pretty common... Reading what you've put above, I would say that you were simply unaware of what was missing from your life... some kind of connection, common interests, conversation (?) with a man which perhaps you didn't notice you weren't getting with your husband. You found it, quite unintentionally, in the friendship and activities you share(d) with this man. Have you ever seen a site called marriagebuilders (do an Internet search for it)? This is exactly the type of 'danger' situation they talk about which is likely to lead to an affair. The site gives a lot of good advice on re-connecting with your partner, spending one-to-one time together, sharing common interests and so on... things that you probably weren't aware were lacking, but something inside you was reaching out. As I said, this is very common, and nothing to be scared of... it happens to the very best of us. But, assuming that you still love your husband or want it to work with him (and from your post it does seem to be the case) you can turn it around and re-direct your attention to him and your relationship together.
whichwayisup Posted November 11, 2006 Posted November 11, 2006 I agree with the others, good advice. I think you're enjoying the "crush" feelings this man brings out in you, and that's OK but don't let it get out of control. Don't mistake it for feeling "inlove". Focus that energy into your husband! Another thing, you and this man shouldn't spend any alone time together, don't put yourself IN a situation where saying NO will be difficult to do. Slow it down with the emails and detach yourself emotionally from him. And, don't have personal discussions with him about those feelings. It's best not to cross those lines, even if you're both feeling 'it'.
Joelle Posted November 11, 2006 Posted November 11, 2006 OP, I think you received some good advice. Personally, I relate to what you're going through. It's difficult, especially if the attraction is mutual. I don't have any advice to offer, as everybody provided such good input. I just wanted to offer some empathy.
Jane Doe Posted November 11, 2006 Posted November 11, 2006 You need to get a handle on this while you still can and before either of you crosses the line. Being around him won't let you do that. You need to distance yourself as much as possible. Stop including him in your day and socializing with him. Many lives will be ruined if you let this continue. You're playing with fire and you know it so stop while you can. Focus on your husband and children and try to rebuild the spark with hubby that you're currently feeling with this other guy.
Author Sense&Sensibility Posted November 11, 2006 Author Posted November 11, 2006 I would say your story is pretty common... Reading what you've put above, I would say that you were simply unaware of what was missing from your life... some kind of connection, common interests, conversation (?) with a man which perhaps you didn't notice you weren't getting with your husband. You found it, quite unintentionally, in the friendship and activities you share(d) with this man. Have you ever seen a site called marriagebuilders (do an Internet search for it)? This is exactly the type of 'danger' situation they talk about which is likely to lead to an affair. The site gives a lot of good advice on re-connecting with your partner, spending one-to-one time together, sharing common interests and so on... things that you probably weren't aware were lacking, but something inside you was reaching out. As I said, this is very common, and nothing to be scared of... it happens to the very best of us. But, assuming that you still love your husband or want it to work with him (and from your post it does seem to be the case) you can turn it around and re-direct your attention to him and your relationship together. Thanks to all for the wonderful advice I've been receiving. This post in particular has made me stop and really think of the terrible outcome this situation can potentially become. It was so easy this morning to say to myself that I will be strong and distance myself from this man, but I ran into him at a game my son was playing at today. He locked eyes with me and I could tell he was happy to see me and of course the feeling was mutual. With that high I felt came a definite low, because reality set in and I felt guilt, guilt, and more guilt. I must be going through a selfish phase, I just don't know how else I can describe my sudden immaturity! I think I might try marriage builders, hope it helps.
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