He SAYS they're separating

[HennyPenny]

I've been having a fairly long friendship/attachment to a MM that hasn't turned physical. In the last month or so he has been coming on a little strong. I have never initiated anything with this man. We are very close friends and have this amazing connection, reading each other's minds, etc.

 

I have managed to keep things on a safe level. I put distance between us if I feel like things are getting too intense. I try not to get caught in his Medusa-like gaze. However cool I act with him, the chemistry is so strong it can be cut with a knife. We work together and though I know I should look for other work, this job is a perfect fit for me moneywise, hour wise, and otherwise. I love my job.

 

Things have gotten a little too intense and I was asking for work assignments that would allow me to be something other than his Siamese Twin. Then a few days ago he dropped it casually that he was going to be separating from his wife. I told him he'd better think long and hard, since he has a small child. He feels his marriage is disfunctional to the point of being psychologically damaging to his child. At least, that's what he's telling me.

 

I do NOT want things to escalate with this man until divorce papers are filed. I can feel myself weakening already. There is a new woman at work who is very physically attractive who is flirting with him, as I'm sure there are women everywhere who flirt with him. I feel some cave-woman instinct to stake my claim. Even though he isn't particularly thrilled with this woman, he is a little flirtatious by nature and I feel the need to club him over the head and drag him to my cave on a regular basis.

 

I guess what concerns me is that if he's going to be more available to women he will realize that he is capable of attracting all kinds of women. He's absolutely gorgeous. I feel the need to "protect my property." I know he's someone else's property and it's wrong and I suck. I should not even be thinking these thoughts since to me, he's still unavailable. I have found myself letting our eyes linger, letting him get closer and closer, and even letting him embrace me where before I would gracefully avoid it.

 

It scares the crap out of me because this separation thing could be a big pile of bullshyt. I find myself getting insanely jealous when other women fawn over him and it's all I can do not to make an ass out of myself. Ugh! I do NOT want him to have a clue about the depth of my feelings for him, but if the green-eyed monster keeps showing her face it will be fairly obvious.

 

Besides, do I want a man that, while in a committed relationship, would fawn over another woman this way? He makes his adoration so obvious and I can't help but be a little thrilled and very flattered.

 

Can someone please tell me some really bad horror stoires? Call me a slut? Slap me silly? Maybe give me some advice other than quitting my job?

[norajane]

Well, from your post, you already know that you need to be slapped silly, so I won't do it. You know. You know.

 

Easiest way to defuse this is to develop an interest in another man, a single man, a man who can be fully yours. Then your interests will lie elsewhere and he won't have such "power" over you.

 

Until then, when the urge to fling yourself at him comes over you, imagine how you'd feel if you did and then had to worry about who else he's flirting with when he's not with you...

[parTgirl]

Stay strong and hold your ground. You sholdn't have to quit your job.

[whichwayisup]

Re-read your own post, you have alot of insight into your situation. You're thinking with your head, and right now you are strong enough NOT to let something happen.

 

To put you off, go read some threads in this section by OW who are well into an affair with a MM...Maybe if you really know what you're up against you won't allow yourself to fall into his arms.

[NoIDidn't]

Then a few days ago he dropped it casually that he was going to be separating from his wife.

 

A man that is seriously considering separation and D, does not drop it casually. He is murkying up the waters, purposely. He is hunting for an AP, don't let it be you.

 

Tell him to stop sharing so much of his personal business with you. And stop caring so much about his homelife. He will use that to make you think that you are rescuing him.

 

You already know what to do. You just have to do it.

[HennyPenny]

Hooo Boy...

Called in sick today - things got a little too intense for me yesterday. I had gotten in early and he was already there. I said "How was your weekend?" and he said "Eh." He told me he'd already been working on some of my stuff and I said, "You're wonderful." This is when he said, "I need a hug" and stupid me thought I could just give him a quick friendship hug, but he held me rather close and said, "I love you." Then when I politely disentangled myself from him there were tears in his eyes. This sin't the first time he's said this and every other time I've managed to either ignore it or blow it off.

 

I almost weakened. Almost. I am actually very proud of myself. I told him that although the sentiment was nice, it would be nice if there was a man out there somewhere who could love me without it being upsetting to him. I tried to keep it kind of light-hearted, adding that it would also be nice if the next man who told me he loved me didn't already belong to someone else. He said, "I belong to my son" and those big blue eyes threatened tears again, and I managed to avoid eye contact because seriously, those eyes make me weak enough.

 

Luckily other people started showing up. I avoided him for the rest of the day and even ignored his emails until I got home. Since then I've been agonized. Haven't slept, sick to my stomach. From the content of his emails I don't doubt he has a lot of love for me. We do have a very strange mental connection that he says he's never had before with anyone. Half of me is agonizing over what could be the truest love of my life, but in the back of my mind is this fear that I'm being caught in a master web of manipulation.

 

Of course, plans for separation are "on hold" because there are issues going on with his son who has SN and the wife apparently isn't very good at dealing with these issues alone. I replied back that I would hate myself if he left his family on my account, even though he's assured me this has nothing to do with me, that they can barely stand the sight of each other anymore, etc. I managed to communicate to him that, regardless of his situation, there will not be anything going on between us as long as he's in a committed relationship, period. And that it doesn't matter whether or not he "feels" committed or not - if you're married and living with your partner you're in a committed relationship!

 

What scares me is that I may have disclosed too much about my feelings for him during the course of the emails. I'm so afraid I will go to work tomorrow and he'll see how much pain I'm in. I have deleted the emails and have not responded to any more of his. I don't know what to do. I have to somehow face the fact that I love the man, but can't have him. I never knew it could be so hard. Those eyes haunt me. Never, ever have I had a man look at me this way and I thought my previous relationship was very intense. It was nothing compared to this.

 

I have no one to reach out to. My friends and family would never, ever understand. I am so proud of myself for being strong, but I feel sick and weak. It would be nice to sleep again.

[BenThereDunThat]

I don't really have any advice, unfortunately. I just want to say that I think you are incredibly strong. I'm very impressed. I think you should stop with ALL physical contact though. Friendly or not. It's no good for either of you.

 

Keep doing what you're doing and post here whenever you need to. We'll be here to listen whenever you need it.

 

(((hugs)))

[whichwayisup]

Keep fighting those feelings and stay strong. As hard as it is for you now, it will be even harder for you IF you allow something to happen physically. Imagine that pain you'll be feeling afew more months down the road. Not worth it!

[NoIDidn't]

He sounds incredibly lonely and needy. That is NOT the kind of man you want. He will suffocate you and use up all your strength.

 

Let him deal with his M/separation. With a special needs child, he and his W probably just need to make some attitude adjustments regarding what life is like with such a child. He sounds like a man with a lot of fears and concerns. The kind of MM that will constantly tell a girl "you make me feel alive".

 

Doing the right thing isn't always easy. You have feelings for him, but keep them at bay. Stop telling him about those feelings. Tell him without any room for uncertainty that you will not accept him overstepping your boundaries. That is disrespectful. He is thinking out of his neediness, not out of any sincere caring.

 

He needs you for his own comfort.

 

Put some distance between the two of you. He doesn't seem to understand what NO means.

[pureinheart]

Wow, the circumstances are difficult....I see a "waring down" effect going on.....I had almost the same thing happen to me....his relentless persuit of you might ware you down eventually and with the working conditions I can tell you first hand it is not easy.

 

What is happening is he wants to jump from one relationship to another and that is not always good as one doesn't have a chance to work out the mess from the past relationship and they bring it in to the next.

 

I have done that most of my life and am finally breaking that cycle and dealing with truth.

 

The fact of the matter is ....he is married now and when this happens in life one has to ask themself very tough questions and make difficult decisions and stick to them, which is even harder.

 

Let him clean up his mess first and then decide if the relationship is worth it or not. Trust me these things can get real messy and you could loose your good job over it....there is a heavy price to pay here.

 

Be kind to yourself, love yourself enough not to settle for anything but the very best....things are great for you right now

[pureinheart]

He sounds incredibly lonely and needy. That is NOT the kind of man you want. He will suffocate you and use up all your strength.

 

Let him deal with his M/separation. With a special needs child, he and his W probably just need to make some attitude adjustments regarding what life is like with such a child. He sounds like a man with a lot of fears and concerns. The kind of MM that will constantly tell a girl "you make me feel alive".

 

Doing the right thing isn't always easy. You have feelings for him, but keep them at bay. Stop telling him about those feelings. Tell him without any room for uncertainty that you will not accept him overstepping your boundaries. That is disrespectful. He is thinking out of his neediness, not out of any sincere caring.

 

He needs you for his own comfort.

 

Put some distance between the two of you. He doesn't seem to understand what NO means.

 

 

Tell the truth....very insightful!

[pureinheart]

Explore your own possibilities as to why he was allowed to ware you down....why did he target you?

 

Most of my life I have attracted needy people, users and such....these types of people seem sincere, but they are not...possibly this is not intentional it is just the way they are...I really don't know....

 

But...he will rob and steel from you even if it is not apparent now....the very life might get sucked out of you. You could be his fix or something, who knows but save your own life....

 

Wow....the experience that I just got out of is so similar to yours that it scares me that this is happening to other people....I barely got out of it alive, and I know that sounds dramatic, but unfortunately it is the truth. Sure there were other factors in my life, other things ocurring causing great pain....but ultimately when all was said and done, I stood alone, only having me to answer for all of MY wrong doing....

 

Right now you are allowing yourself to be in this relationship and sounds like you are in deep....it's gonna take a lot to pull out and restore yourself....but it's never too late!

 

Go for it girl ....you CAN do it!

[TheDiva]

Of course, plans for separation are "on hold" because there are issues going on with his son who has SN and the wife apparently isn't very good at dealing with these issues alone. I replied back that I would hate myself if he left his family on my account, even though he's assured me this has nothing to do with me, that they can barely stand the sight of each other anymore, etc. I managed to communicate to him that, regardless of his situation, there will not be anything going on between us as long as he's in a committed relationship, period. And that it doesn't matter whether or not he "feels" committed or not - if you're married and living with your partner you're in a committed relationship!

 

What scares me is that I may have disclosed too much about my feelings for him during the course of the emails. I'm so afraid I will go to work tomorrow and he'll see how much pain I'm in. I have deleted the emails and have not responded to any more of his. I don't know what to do. I have to somehow face the fact that I love the man, but can't have him. I never knew it could be so hard. Those eyes haunt me. Never, ever have I had a man look at me this way and I thought my previous relationship was very intense. It was nothing compared to this.

 

I have no one to reach out to. My friends and family would never, ever understand. I am so proud of myself for being strong, but I feel sick and weak. It would be nice to sleep again.

 

 

You are strong! And you have every right to be proud of your resistance. But take caution! He kind of sounds like he is grooming you, by upping the stakes and then shortly after saying those stakes are on hold..... I feel for that sitch, the SN child. I have one of those, and no it is not easy. But I dare say it's also an excuse he can use forever... I think that sick, can't sleep feeling may be doubts that he is being completely honest with you? Your warning bells are going off, even as your heart wants to melt for him.

 

You feel the weakening coming. Its like you are the beach and he is the ocean, with each tide he is eroding away a bit of your resolve. STOP HIM from doing that. It is critical to pull back, for your own sanity. Truly if he really wants a divorce he will do it with you or without you. Better off for everyone if it is WITHOUT you. But you will be more sure of yourself if it is without you. If you weaken to the point of letting anything more happen (* a kiss, touching, holding, long intimate talks etc.) He will have you squirming on his hook, and without giving you anything. Never underestimate the powerful hold they can have over you. It would be in your best interest to avoid him until he has the signed proof of D in his hand. Disengage from him, fake it until you make it.

 

For the record I agree that he sounds very needy.

[puddleofmud]

It is most commendable that you reached out to others and did not "give in" to these strong imploring emotional needs from him as well as your own feelings! Keep up the good work, dear.

You have received some very excellent advice and I hope you take it to heart.

Even should he separate or divorce think about what how you would wish to proceed: are you willing to become involved with his special needs child and what is necessary for him to be well adjusted and healthy? This would also GREATLY involve the boy's mother and would be a HUGE factor in the relationship.

If the Father of said child is having so much difficulty with this--then perhaps he is not coping well within himself. He would be the one who needs to find his own coping skills. And it would be best for any future relationship that he come to terms with his feelings about how his wife is handling things (which you don't know is the truth, really, do you?) If it is the truth then his feelings about may would "haunt" any future partnerships.

Perhaps you may wish to encourage him to find some other "outlet" to do such and let him know you are no longer available for such.

Best wishes to you and I admire your compassion.

[HennyPenny]

I am soooo grateful for all of your advice, support and insight. I obviously came to the right place.

 

I don't have much experience relationship-wise. No, I'm not young, just basically was attached to the hip to an emotionally needy man from the time I was 16. I guess I need to try to experience a healthy relationship, but this is what I attract or (probably more accurately) what I respond to. I realize there are other men I could take a chance on right now who are available for me, but I'm realizing I'm not available to them.

 

I wrote him an email today which stated that regardless of my feelings for him (and though he was trying to get me to say those 3 magic words, I didn't) I would rather cut him completely loose than feel like I had a hand in messing up his family. If it's not about me, fine. You and your wife deal with it. He acts as though he is worried that if she gets full custody she won't care for him the way he would like her to. My instinct tells me she is probably a good person and would never cut him out of the child's life because he is very close to his child and to me she sounds like a good mother. I told him this. I told him that he seems to have some deep-seated anger issues with his wife and that he should put them aside to discuss their child.

 

He knows me, and he knows that I want nothing to do with him as long as he's married. I told him that although I'm not creeped out by him personally, I'm uncomfortable with the hugs and touching because of his married status. That if I were his wife and witnessed such behavior I'd be livid. That people at work are looking at us funny and talking behind our backs. I don't want to become an object of gossip.

 

I haven't heard back from him and I'm terrified of going to work tomorrow, but I'm going. screw it.

 

Thanks again and wish me luck.