how can i get him to miss me?

[Guest]

i am 20, my ex is 22. we were together for a year, then he broke up with me because we started to fight alot and he said he just wanted to be single and spend time with his friends. after 2 months of me trying to get him back i decided to just ask him to be friends. well we are friends now and we hang out a few times a week. i just come over to his house and we lay around and watch a movie or TV or just lay in bed and talk. we still kiss and we still cuddle and stuff like that. it seems like his feelings are coming back everytime he hangs out with me and he has told me that hanging out with me makes him remember all the good times and makes his feelings for me come back. but he still says he doesnt want to get back together right now.

 

he always adds on the "right now" part. he still gets very jealous whenever i mention guys or whenever i go out with my friends he worries im going to meet someone. a few nights ago we were laying in bed and i asked him if he was happy. he said he was sometimes. on the weekends when hes with his friends hes happy but during the week when he has to work and just sits at home so he can go to bed early he feels lonely and wishes he had someone. he said this is going to be the first time in years he hasnt had someone to bring to thanksgiving and its going to be weird. i said "did you ever really love me?" and he said "i really really loved you alot. i definitely loved you more than ive ever loved anyone. at one point i really thought we would get married." it almost made me cry to hear him say that. i asked him "what happened to us? its crazy how feelings can change." and he said "i guess it just wasnt meant to be. i thought after all we had been through that we could make it through anything but we just couldnt stop fighting and i wasnt happy anymore."

 

then he said "you were a great girlfriend, i know you would have done anything for me, i know that." that was the first time since we broke up that we talked like that. im just wondering if anyone has any ideas of what i can do to make him miss me. should i keep trying to have talks like that so he will continue to think back on how good things were and how he felt about me? should i bring up great memories we had together? should i just tell him how i feel and that i want to give this one more chance because i think we belong together and can make this work? any advice or ideas would be great!

[lizzielou]

Maybe I'm misunderstanding something, but it seems like he misses you. It also seems like the problem is that he's trying to have his cake and eat it too. He still gets to cuddle and kiss you; he gets jealous and doesn't want you to date anyone else. He has definitely been keeping you in limbo! Maybe it's one of those cases where he doesn't know what he has until it's gone? At any rate, I would say that you should concentrate on making yourself happy at this point. I'm not too much older than you, but I loved being in my early 20's! Soak it up and enjoy it!

[norajane]

well we are friends now and we hang out a few times a week. i just come over to his house and we lay around and watch a movie or TV or just lay in bed and talk. we still kiss and we still cuddle and stuff like that.

How can he miss you when you're still around all the time, and still giving him the love?

 

Let him spend more and more and more nights alone - give him some time and space to actually miss you.

[miss snoopy]

How can he miss you when you're still around all the time, and still giving him the love?

 

Let him spend more and more and more nights alone - give him some time and space to actually miss you.

 

Couldn't agree more... give him space to really miss you. If you're concerned he'll forget you, he won't. You can keep in touch via email or the occasional text, but make the contact sporadic.

[Speedo]

Speedo here. Sorry, I have to speak up on this one. I know this guy. Not in person, but I know the type. Listen, I've gotten through my awful breakup because of the wonderful people on this website, so I feel that I should help if I feel that I know something. You sound like a sweet girl. Very honest, and very true to your feelings. I believe that you love this guy with all your heart. With that said, I can't help but look at this logically. He sounds like me when I was younger. A guy who will tell you all the right things, but doesn't follow through. My advice is very simple. Actions ALWAYS speak louder than words. I know this because I've been like him. Telling girls that I like them alot, even to the point of loving them, but not being "in love" with them. Big difference. So far this truth sucks, but here is where it can improve. You guys are young, and if you love this guy, according to what you've said, you've done all that you can do as far as show him how strongly you feel. There's only one thing to do, only one thing that will give you a "chance" to win this guy over. Thats NC...NO CONTACT...You're the perfect example of when to do this. Trust me, if you do not EVER, email, answer the phone, text message, send message through a pigion, etc. Anything, no matter what. DO NOT CONTACT THIS GUY. It's for your good, and his. Let me explain. Like the good people who responded first, he needs to MISS you. You cannot do that by trying what you think you should do. Right now, you can't even imagine doing that, but I promise you, if he loves you like he said he does, and you haven't done anything to chase him away..i.e. cheating, etc. then he WILL try to get back with you. I promise.....only if what he told you is true. You absolutely have to make him chase you. Put it this way...every time you see him, you have to "act" as if YOU are the prize...not the other way around. Right now, according to what you wrote, you are the sucker. As the other poster said, He is getting what he wants, and eating his cake too. Please, take my advice...I know I'm right. Let this guy wonder what the hell happened...He'll be thinking..."what? I had this girl in the palm of my hands. Now she doesn't care?? I don't know your name, but do yourself a favor....Make this guy WORK for it. You need to think of yourself as the prize, and nothing less. He must earn you..

[CosmoBella]

Like other posts on here said he can't miss you if you're with him a few times a week. Give him the space that he wants. Don't go over so much, make yourself busy and let it be known that you have your own life...

Yes you love this man, but remember that he left you for whatever reason.

Maybe it's just me that thinks it may hurt you more just being there and knowing that "not right now" is all he can give you.

[missmebaby]

hi its me. the girl that started this thread under the name Guest. heres a lil update. he called me this afternoon to check up on me and find out what i did last night and if i hooked up with anyone or anything like that. i asked him the same thing and he said he kissed someone. he says that everytime he goes out. i dont even know whether i believe him or not because he is usually kinda shy around girls when it comes to that and especially for him to be doing that EVERYTIME he goes out. hes been acting different lately. he never calls when he says hes going to, its always like hours later and when he does call he never wants to talk long. whenever his friends are around he wont answer his phone and he never admits to them that we still hang out or anything.

 

i think i kinda figured out today another reason why he wanted to break up with me and doesnt want to be with me. because we had talked about getting married and i think he freaked out and realized i might be the last girl hes ever with and he needed to get out and find out what else is out there but hes keeping me around for when hes done and figures out what he wants. i should of known just by him telling me all the time that he doesnt want to be with me right now but maybe ina little while. i know everyone is telling me i need to kind of disappear and let him miss me. ive tried that before and its just too hard for me but this time im really gonna do it. but im doing it a lil different than what you all said. im going to go to his house monday night, be a fun happy girl and make him laugh and just have a good time so he remembers how things used to be with us, and then im going to have a talk with him and tell him how i really feel and that i want to get back together and if he says no then im done with him and he lost me forever. no being friends and no more talking. im just out of his life. im giving him 2 choices. either he wants to be with me or he doesnt. and if he says he doesnt want to be with me right now then theres no reason for me to even talk to him anymore so im going to disappear from his life and move on like i should have done months ago. then if he misses me and gets ahold of me someday it will be up to me whether i am over him or not and want to try again. any ideas of what i should say to him when we have this talk about getting back together??....or any better ideas about what i should do??

[missmebaby]

any thoughts???

[missmebaby]

i guess i should just give up....everytime i ask to see him he says hes busy. on saturday he said i could come over tonight but i just called him and he said "i dont think so, i got some things to do tonight." but he never has anything to do on the weekdays. ughhhh i feel like i am worse now than i have been the entire time we've been broken up:lmao:

[norajane]

Yeah, it's hard to sit someone down and tell them you don't want to see them anymore if they don't actually want to get together with you in the first place...

 

You really don't need to tell him anything. Just disappear. If he notices, you'll hear from him, probably to get together for another hanging out/kissing/cuddling session when he's lonely. When you invites you over - DON'T GO - just tell him you don't want to see him anymore. He can start missing you right then that very night when you don't come over for the cuddling.

[missmebaby]

well he actually did let me come over yesterday. he called me back a lil while later and said he would be home by 8:00 so i could come over. i wanted to have a good night with him so when i decide to disappear he will miss me. well we did have a good night together and he seemed happy with me. i asked him if he liked being single and he said "it has its moments. but alot of the time it gets pretty lonely." lately he hasnt mentioned getting back together though, and he says there is no one he is talking to or interested in. I believe him because if there was he wouldnt allow me to come over. i dont understand why he tells me hes not really that happy being single but doesnt say anything about getting back together. maybe hes not ready yet and maybe its the fact i told him i dont want to get back together. ive decided that im going to try to see him tomorrow and im going to tell him how i feel and that i want to give us another chance if he is willing. then if he says no im just going to disappear for awhile, stay in limited contact like maybe a phone call here and there, or a text message but im not going to see him at all. that way he can miss me because i wont really be there but he wont forget about me either. and im going to go on dates and make sure he knows it. if he says he would like to try again now which i doubt he will then im going to make sure we take things slow and try to build our feelings back up.

 

i think our relationship was doomed from the start anyways and i should be happy it was ever as amazing as it was and that this man actually loved and cared about me as much as he did. first off because i should have just been a rebound. he dated a girl for almost a year before he met me, and they broke up on the same night he met me and we were together only 2 weeks later. theres also the fact that his friends tried to warn me that hes a player and that he likes girls for a little while and tells them how much he likes/loves them and then just dumps them to be single and meet other girls. so i guess in that way i am lucky it lasted so long and that he says he loves more than hes ever loved anyone. and possibly the biggest problem of all with him is his mom and dad. first off he has inherited his dad's exact personality whether he likes it or not. his dad gets mad easily, picks fights with his wife, thinks he is never wrong, cheats on his wife, sneaks around behind her back going to strip clubs and other places, is a womanizer, used to be an alcoholic, bosses her around and makes her serve him. basically he treats his wife like crap and that is what my ex has grown up around his entire life and thats what he has probly grown to think is acceptable because his mom puts up with it and wont stand up for herself. he has treated me in so many of the same ways as his dad treats his mom. and then his mom babies him and does anything for him. she cleans his room, makes his bed, gives him money even though he has a college degree and a great job, buys him clothes, does his laundry, goes with him to the doctor, makes him food whenever he wants it. the combination between the two of his parents are shaping him into a man that is not going to do well with marriage or living on his own. and i think thats a big part of why our relationship fell apart. i guess i should feel lucky that someone like that actually loved me and that i have been his longest relationship so far and that for awhile i actually changed him into a better guy. i just wish i didnt love him so much so i could walk away from him and leave him lonely like he deserves.

[norajane]

the combination between the two of his parents are shaping him into a man that is not going to do well with marriage or living on his own. and i think thats a big part of why our relationship fell apart. i guess i should feel lucky that someone like that actually loved me

 

I'm horrified to hear how his dad treats his mom...and you say he treated you like that too - I don't know why you feel lucky that someone like that loved you...don't you believe you deserve better?

[2sunny]

i guess i should feel lucky that someone like that actually loved me and that i have been his longest relationship so far and that for awhile i actually changed him into a better guy. i just wish i didnt love him so much so i could walk away from him and leave him lonely like he deserves.

 

HUH?

 

LUCKY that someone like this LOVED you? Oh my, I am sad and sorry to read those words from any given individual.

 

Don't allow him to make you feel this way honey! It's not fair to your self worth....

[missmebaby]

well i went to his house last night to hang out. he wasnt in a very good mood, he said he was tired and didnt feel good. the more attention i tried to give him the more distant he became. so i finally just laid there and ignored him for awhile and watched TV. after about 10 minutes of that he rolled over to face me and said "whats wrong?" i said nothing, and he kept asking me whats wrong and saying you're being different all of a sudden. i just told him i was watching TV and nothing was wrong. so then he started trying to pay attention to me and trying to get me to talk and was touching me and just staring into my eyes. he said "you're not pregnant are you? and you're afraid to tell me?" and i said no. then he touched the ring on my right hand that he had bought me for valentine's day last year and he said "well if you're pregnant this ring is going to go on the other hand." meaning he would marry me. and i said no that wouldnt happen. and he asked me why not. and i said because i didnt want him to marry me for the wrong reasons. i wouldnt want him to marry me just because we have a child together. and he said no i still have feelings for you and i would want to get back together. and i said well you dont want to get back together now so yes having a child together would be the only reason you would want to get back together.

 

he said he still has feelings for me and probly always will. then i asked him "so you never think about getting back together with me?" and he said "yea but thats not what i want right now. i dont think it could work." and i asked him why and he said because i have too many guy friends and he couldnt deal with that. i said "thats not the only reason." and he said it was along with the fact that he kind of likes being single right now. i said "ok are you sure you dont want to try to make this work?" and he said yes. then he asked me if i wanted to go for ice cream and when we got into his truck he took out the CD that was in and put in a different one. then he searched for a certain song and played it.

 

it went like this: I used to think that love would never find me And the one who cares was lost somewhere in time

But when you found me I knew I'd found forever. You rescued me just before I crossed the line.

I thought he had played it for me so i asked him "is that how you used to feel about me?" and he just said "ummm sure." and it kind of hurt my feelings so i didnt really say anything. then he said "well yea because i was about to give up dating until i met you." then he searched for another song and put it on and i thought for sure he had played it for me because it really fit our situation and because this song had been so overplayed on the radio he wouldnt turn it on just to listen to it. it was the song by tim mcgraw and faith hill called like we never loved at all. it goes something like this: How can you just walk on by

Without one tear in your eye

Don't you have the slightest feelings left for me

Maybe that's just your way

Of dealing with the pain

Forgetting everything between our rise and fall

Like we never loved at all

Did you forget the magic..

Did you forget the passion

Did you ever miss me..

Ever long to kiss me

 

it almost made me cry and i couldnt help but think he had played it because it made him think of me. so when we got back into the house i asked him again "so you're positive you dont want to be with me?" and now he said "i dont know." and i said what do you mean you dont know? you just said you dont want to be with me and now you dont know? and he said "i still have feelings for you but i just dont think it could work right now. so i just dont know." then he said "am i never going to see you again?" and i said "probly not." and he said why not??? and i said because i dont think we should keep doing the things that we did when we were a couple like cuddling and kissing. and he said "ok thats fine why cant we keep hanging out as friends? you can come over here and watch TV or a movie with me." and i said "no i dont think so." and he just kept saying i want to still be friends and hang out with you and i still want to talk to you. and i said that i didnt want that anymore. he seemed kind of upset about it. i tried to leave then but he said not yet. so i stayed alittle longer then told him i had to go. he walked me to the door and then said bye and started to walk away. so i just said bye and started to walk out the door. he said "wait." and i turned around he was standing there with his arms open for a hug. so i hugged him and he didnt show any emotion or anything or say anything like he would miss me or anything.

 

i dont think he knows that im serious about this because ive said this at least 5 or 6 other times that i dont think we should be friends or talk and then i call him either the next day or like a few days later and say that ive changed my mind and i still want to keep hanging out with him. he just said "so im not going to see you anymore?" and i said probly not. and he said well call me sometime ok? and i just said maybe. i couldnt believe that he wasnt even upset or tried to act like he cared that this might be the last time he ever sees me. he kind of had this smug look on his face like he thought i wasnt serious and that i would be back. it really sucked. i cried the whole way home. this morning i woke up and just got the sickest feeling in my stomach and just broke down into tears. im really serious about doing this whole no contact thing because ive tried everything else and none of it worked. plus i see how much it bothers him when i ignore him and i saw how at first he kept asking me why we couldnt still be friends and kept asking me if this was the last time hes ever going to see me. so maybe by going no contact he will realize that he really lost me. i want him to feel lonely and miss me. of course he likes being single when during the weekend he goes out with his friends and has a great time getting drunk, flirting with girls, and just being able to do whatever he wants. and then during the week he has me to come over and hang out with him and cuddle with him, kiss him, rub his back, and show him affection and attention. his friends and one of his ex girlfriends have told me that he always has to be with someone, that he cant stand being alone. he has even admitted this to me also.

 

so im thinking that if i leave him alone he will start to hate being single and he will miss me. as long as he doesnt find someone else to take my place. im thinking maybe i will contact him like once or twice a week either through a text message or call him and talk for a couple minutes then tell him i have to go. just so he wont forget about me. i dont know how im going to do this. i miss him so much already. for a year and 3 months ive talked to him almost everyday, he was a huge part of my life. he was my best friend along with the only person that could really make me happy, and the person i could tell everything to. i cant stand the thought of not seeing or talking to him again but i know its something i have to do. does anyone have any thoughts on this? based on what ive said about him do you think this is going to work and hes going to want me back? is there anything else i can do that would help him to miss me?

[norajane]

of course he likes being single when during the weekend he goes out with his friends and has a great time getting drunk, flirting with girls, and just being able to do whatever he wants. and then during the week he has me to come over and hang out with him and cuddle with him, kiss him, rub his back, and show him affection and attention.

 

Yes, exactly. He gets to be single, and he gets to have you when he's lonely.

 

No contact is best for both of you. For him, so he can get clear on what he wants in his life. For you, so you don't have this constant longing to be with him that is fed by the tastes of contact.

 

I don't think you should call or text. He's hardly going to forget you - that's ridiculous! You've talked to him every day for over a year - BUT, if he can actually just forget that you exist, well, wouldn't that tell you how little he cared?

[Spinderella]

As everyone else has said, the ONLY way he will miss you is if you are not there. Not on the end of the phone. Not replying to texts or emails. It will be hard, but I have seen situations like this drag out for years. The guy keeps the woman around with "maybe"s and "I don't know"s and "I miss you"s even "I love you"s if he has to, whilst he gets over her. After a couple of years have passed, quite pleasantly for him and horribly for her, he goes out and looks for a new relationship. She, already drained by the years of confusion, is devastated, worn down, and it takes a long time to rebuild herself. Unless he says he wants to make a go of a proper relationship with you, then DO NOT see nor speak to him, AT ALL.

[missmebaby]

so do you think i ruined everything and chased him too far away since i kept bugging him to see him and since i told him again that i wanted to get back together? he has changed his mind so many times since we broke up about what he wants. first he said he didnt want to get back together, then we hung out again and he wanted to try to make it work, then he changed his mind every day about whether or not he wanted to try. so i didnt contact him for a week and when i finally called him again i said i just wanted to be friends and i didnt want to get back together. so we started hanging out agian and things started to go really good and his feelings seemed to come back and he was saying that he started to remember the good things about our relationship and it made him think about getting back together...and he was dropping hints that he might want to get back together. but i just kept saying i just wanted to be friends so that he would chase me. then either i made it too obvious that i really wanted to be more than friends and he figured out that i still wanted him or he realized that he just wanted to be friends also but he changed again and didnt want to see me as much. then last night i asked him if he was sure that he didnt want to be with me and he said yes but kept asking me why we couldnt still be friends and hang out. i wonder if i ruined it by playing these games and if i pushed him too far away and he thinks im pathetic and annoying. i dont want him to remember me the rest of his life as the pathetic whiny ex girlfriend that wouldnt leave him alone. he said he would never get back with his ex gf before me because she practically stalked him when they broke up and he started dating me. he calls her psycho and says he would never get back with her because shes crazy. i really dont want him to think of me that way.

[missmebaby]

well this is the first time in the 3 months that we've been broken up that i am sure its really over! i called him to ask him if he would come with me to take a pregnancy test tonight becuase my period is late and i was scared to death that i was pregnant with his child. i called him and he answered but said he was working. when i asked him to come with me he acted annoyed and asked why it had to be today and why it couldnt just wait for another day. i ended up just hanging up on him because this wasnt my fault, i didnt ask to maybe be pregnant. i didnt make the baby myself. i texted him saying "i thought maybe you would actually be there for me. you dont know how scared i am and i just wanted you to actually be there when i found out the truth." he called me back 10 mins later saying he would meet me at Wal Mart at 8. well i was like 15 mins late and he immediately accused me of being with someone else and thats why i was late. so i was immediately kind of mad that he would accuse me of that. then he refused to get out and come in and buy it with me and be there when i went into the bathroom and took the test. so that made me even more upset. so i went in and bought it and called him telling him to just go home since theres no reason in him being there since he would care less if he was there for me or not. he got mad saying i get mad too easily and i need to stop yelling at him for nothing. but he came in and waited outside the bathroom while i took it. it turned out negative thank God. well we went out to his truck to talk. well we ended up getting into a huge argument and he said he didnt want to be with anyone especially me because we fight too much and that i needed to get out of his truck because i was annoying him. i had a card in my purse that he had given me last valentine's day that said how much he loved me, blah blah blah. well i asked him to read it but he just threw it back at me and said "no i already know what it says." i asked him honestly why didnt he want to be with me and he said because we fight way too much and its never going to stop. he said hes happy being single and being able to do whatever he wants. he said a lot of hurtful things and made me cry and didnt even care. he finally said im tried and irritated and i just want to go home. so i said "well i wrote you something and it wont change your mind but at least you know how i feel" and i threw the 4 page lettter at him that i wrote him and i got out and got into my car and left without even looking back. i know he read it because as i was getting out i saw him open it and start to read it. but he never called me or anything after that so i know its over. i cant believe how selfish and insensitive he can be towards me. he only thinks of the bad things about us and it really hurts because there were so many more good things than bad. but ya know what i will just focus on all the bad things about him and im never talking to him again. i just cant believe after spending a great year together this is how things turned out. its over so im moving on....forget him!!!

[missmebaby]

i know i must be crazy but i still want him back so badly. ever since our horrible fight last night i cant figure out what to do. i know im going to go no contact but i want to do it at the right time. i dont want to just stop talking to him now because the last thing hes going to remember about me is the fight we just had and how annoyed he was by me. when i go no contact i want the last thing he remembers about me to be something good so he really will miss me instead of being relieved that he doesnt have to deal with me anymore. heres what i think im going to do and i need some opinions on whether this is a good idea or not. im going to call him later today after he gets off work and im going to apologize for the way i acted last night and for fighting last night. im going to tell him that i respect his decision and i agree with all his reasons why we should not get back together and that i agree its not a good idea for us to get back together. then i am going to ask him if he still wants to be friends because i do. then after i get off the phone with him i will not contact him at all for 5 days. then im going to call him and ask if i can just come over and pick up my DVD player and DVDs I left over there. So I will try to look really good when i go over there, then ask him if i can come in and just hang out as friends. im going to be happy and make him laugh and just try to have a good night together. then when i leave i will start no contact and let him miss me. i just feel this is something i need to do so i kind of have some closure and if he doesnt end up missing me then i cant blame it on that last fight we had and i can know that i tried everything i could. there is still a part of me saying it isnt over and that he'll be back because i affected his life so much and he has tried to walk away before and couldnt. but theres another side of me saying its over and all the hurtful things hes said like how hes happy being single and not having anyone to answer to and he has more time to do things that he wants to do and that we will never be happy together because we cant stop fighting. all of those things hurt so much because he is happier now without me when i can remember how great things were between us and how much he said he loved me and would never leave me. now he only remembers the bad things instead of the good things. does anyone think that no contact will work and he will miss me??? does no contact make you analyze the relationship and remember the good times instead of the bad? this is the hardest thing i have ever done in my entire life. its going to be so hard to cut him out of my life when i cant stand the thought of him not being there. i talked to him almost everyday for over a year and now hes not even going to be there anymore when i planned on him being there for the rest of my life. well now that everyone knows our situation what is your opinion on him? does it sound like hes going to miss me and after awhile get sick of being single and alone and since im not going to be there anymore to come over and spend time with him and give him affection hes going to miss it and want me back??

[norajane]

You can plan all you want, but you can't plan how he feels and is going to react. Apologize if you must, but I think he was being an ass about the test and all, so HE should be the one aplogizing to YOU.

 

I'm sorry that you can't see that. I'm sorry that you keep going back for more crap from this guy. I'm sorry that you don't understand you deserve better than this guy. I'm sorry you haven't met anyone else that treats you better than this.

 

My advice would be to cut your losses and move on. No calls. No apologies. No offers of friendship. No nothing. Forget him.

[Spinderella]

You really need to leave this alone.

You cant fight for things from him that he is reluctant to give, it will only make you feel worse about yourself, more frustrated and more powerless.

You cant convince him to love you either.

I feel for you, I really do. You need to accept that this is over. You also need to stop thinking that it is something you did wrong, and thinking that there is something you can do right, that will magically bring back the past and the relationship. It doesnt matter what he thinks of you, it really doesnt. What matters is stopping yourself from putting yourself through this. The whole thing sounds IDENTICAL to a relationship somebody close to me had. I watched her do all the things you are doing, and wear herself down, for 5 long years. Eventually he found somebody new right in front of her face, because she had never walked away from him. She is still trying to recover from the situation.

Please dont do this to yourself.

[Guest]

I think the most important question here is how you feel about yourself. How many relationships have you been in so far... you're only twenty right ? How have men treated you in the past?

 

It also sounds to me like you are going through some tough times in your life.... maybe that's why you're craving such half-hearted attention from this man? These are the questions you should be asking yourself NOT "how can I get him to miss me". The truth is that this guy is bad news and you need to ask yourself "why am I taking this crap? "

 

There are a lot of things wrong with this picture sweetheart but the most alarming is the possibility of having a baby with this guy, you can't get pregnant with just kissing and cuddling, so don't lie to yourself... things will get way too complicated... count your blessings and walk away.

 

Trust me there are so many sweet boys out there that will treat you like a queen, but the way you are blaming yourself, you'll only attract emotionally abusive men like "just friends" boy here -trust me honey they can smell the low self-esteem from miles away. The question is when did your low self esteem start.

 

You're in your twenties, don't waste them away .

 

The question is how ready are you to leave this relationship for good.... not NC-just to get him back... how ready are you to start working on getting your confidence back? It's perfectly ok to say "i can't right now" but you first need to realize what is really going on.

[missmebaby]

yes i am only twenty but since i was the age of 14 I have had 3 long relationships. the first one was my first love and he was really great to me until we broke up and then he said all kinds of mean hurtful things kind of like my current ex. and i was really heartbroken but not as bad as i am now and i didnt try to call him or anything. i saw him everyday at school which for some reason made it easier on me. i think i didnt take it as hard then as im doing now because we really werent that serious i mean we were 14 and 15 years old, we didnt have sex, we didnt have that many memories because neither of us could drive and theres not a whole lot 2 people our age can do. also, i knew we were so young that we werent going to get married or anything. i was then single for almost a year which was fine because i got to see my friends every day at school. then i met another guy who i dated for a year and 3 months. i loved him alot and he was the first person i had sex with. then suddenly i realized he was kind of a loser, he wasnt trying to make a future for himself, he was starting to get annoying, he made up stories and lied about the stupidest things to make himself look better, and because i was kind of interested in dating other people. so i nicely broke up with him and i knew i was hurting him so i was there for him and tried to treat him right so as not to hurt him even worse.

 

well we stayed friends...actually friends with benefits and he was there for me everyday and was my best friend. this continued for like 2 years stopping only 3 times when i would meet someone else and start to kind of date them. the first guy was not a good boyfriend right from the start and we never really got close so we both agreed to break up and i was fine with that. then the next guy i really liked and at first he was a really good guy and i was falling for him. then his ex girlfriend came back into the picture and he immediately starting treating me like **** and did and said all kinds of mean things. well this really really hurt me and i thought i would never trust anyone again and i couldnt believe that someone could actually treat someone else as badly as he treated me. but i never loved him, i mean we were never even together so i got over it. then i was single for about a year and i met my current ex. things went amazing from the day i met him. he was such a great guy at first i couldnt believe how lucky i was to find him. he always wanted to see me, he complimented me, told me how happy he was that he found me and that he finally found the girl he was looking for. i loved everything about him and he was honestly every single thing i had ever looked for ina guy. he was perfect. we fell in love quickly, everything moved quickly with us. we did things i have never done before, we made great unforgettable memories, he showed me so much affection and love even around his friends. he brought up the idea of marriage many times and said he was looking forward to spending the rest of his life with me and he said he knew that was something he wanted to happen. he said i was the first girl he had ever said that to. then he turned 21 and everything changed. his friends started pressuring him to go out to the bars and drink and started calling him whipped because he would say he couldnt because of me. i guess he felt like i was holding him back so he started changing. he wasnt very affectionate anymore, didnt want to see me as much, started getting angry at me easily, and all of this started a fight between us. he would then blame me for starting the fight.

 

after one really bad fight we had in front of his friends, the next day he told me we needed a break. from that moment on he was a different guy. he went from wanting to see me and talk to me everyday to telling me that we shouldnt talk for a few days. i begged him to come over and talk and i begged him to let me come out with him on the weekends like we used to always do together. he always said no even though i would cry my eyes out and he knew he was hurting me. he rarely called me, it was always me calling him and whenever i did he didnt really want to talk to me. this was nothing like the guy i had loved for 6 months and it hurt so much because i felt like i didnt know him anymore. i forgot to mention that during this whole time of 2 weeks that we were on a break he told me that he wanted to remain exclusive and not do anything with anyone else. he would admit to kissing a few girls at the bar but would always say that "they kissed him." then the night of the super bowl he invited me to come to a super bowl party with his whole family. he was a totally different guy that night. he gave up his chair for me, served me food and something to drink, stood behind me and rubbed my back which was something he had never done even when we were together. he stayed by me all night and talked to me. i couldnt figure out the sudden change in him. after we left there he begged me to come back to his house and hang out. when we got there he paid so much attention to me and was so affectionate. he asked me to get back together with him and i said YES. i was sooooo happy. well later that night i got it out of him that he had slept with his ex girlfriend. the same ex girlfriend that he had just broke up with right before he met me and the same one that he said he hated and called psycho all the time because she called and texted him at least 5 times a day even though he never answered and she practically stalked him and me as well and she would email me saying all these horrible things about him and how hes very insensitive and a horrible boyfriend and that im just going to get hurt.

 

i was so shocked i immediately burst into tears and started hitting him and telling him to never talk to me again. i had never cried so hard in my life. but he held me down and put his arms around me and wouldnt let me leave. he begged for me to forgive him and he kept saying how sorry he was and that it was the biggest mistake of his life. i told him we were done and i left. that night he drove 25 mins to my house to put a note in my car about how sorry he was and to please talk to him, blah blah blah. well for some reason i decided to give him another chance but told him i didnt want to get back together right away, i needed more time to think and i would decide if and when we get back togehter. for the next week or so i treated him kind of badly because i felt he deserved it and i wanted to see if he was serious and loved me enough to get back with me. i went to a male strip club, i blew him off a few times, i went out with my friends alot and ignored him. those are all the things he hated the most when he were together but this time he didnt get mad at me. you could tell it was really hurting and bothering him but he stuck with saying he wanted to be with me so bad. so we got back together and things were even better than they were before we broke up. for 4 months we never fought, we spent everyday together and never got sick of each other, we talked on the phone for hours, we did everything together, he was so affectionate and went around telling his friends how much he loved me. he said he knew we were going to get married and have a great future together and he couldnt wait. i thought for sure that this proved that we were meant to be. i thought he would never leave me and i knew in my head he was the one and that i would never have to worry about being alone again or having to deal with dating again. but then around month 5 of being back together he changed again but like he did before we broke up the first time. it started off with him not being very affectionate and him kind of ignoring me when he was around his friends.

 

this caused us to fight because i kept asking him why he wasnt as affectionate anymore and why he would ignore me around his friends. this always made him really mad and he said he didnt know what i was talking about and that i imagined things and i got mad too easily. well the fighting only made things worse and pushed him even farther away to where he started not wanting to see or talk to me as much and when i questioned him about it he once again said i get mad too easily and he wasnt being different and i was only imagining things. we started to fight almost every day over the same things but he would never change, he only got worse. he was very insensitive to my feelings so of course i was going to get mad about it. well this continued for almost 2 months. we would always make up and he would swear that his feelings werent changing and he still loved me and wanted to be with me. we would break up and then get back together the next day. well after one particularly bad fight he said something inside him just snapped and he had had enough. he said he wasnt sure if we should be together because alls we do is fight and he feels we are getting kind of sick of each other. the next day was our 1 year anniversary and he didnt even want to see me. he said he was going to a community party with his friends and family and didnt know if he wanted me to come. i was so upset becuase this was the day i thought was going to be the most special day and i thought we were going to spend it all together. well he finally said i could come with him that night so i did. i tried to hold his hand but he shook me off, then he ignored me the whole night. didnt say anything to me but "hold my beer for a minute." he would walk off and leave me standing there with no one to talk to because i knew no one except his family but they were near impossible to find in the crowd. well he ended up getting really drunk and we got into a fight because i asked him why he was ignoring me the whole night. it ended with me saying "i know why your ex girlfriend is psycho, you made her that way!" he said "F you, that bitch was like that before she even met me. get the hell out of my life and grow up!" and we both walked away and i went home.

 

i have already told the rest of the story from here on about how we didnt talk for a few days and then he finally called me and that started the cycle of him changing his mind about what he wants every other day up until now when he acts like he hates me and is disgusted with me and is so glad that we're done. the reason why i put up with his crap and i am so hurt and depressed over this breakup and i cant let it go is because i saw how he can be, i saw how amazing and loving he can be and thats the guy i remember. things are always good until we fight and i feel thats something that can be changed and i feel like its partially my fault that hes being like this because sometimes i caused fights when i should have just let something go instead of getting mad about it. so i dont want to end things with him thinking i was a horrible girlfriend and this psycho ex girlfriend like he thought about his ex before me. also, i really thought he was the one and i thought he could never leave me so it hurts so bad right now realizing that he must have never felt the same and he can just walk away and think he will be happier without me. also i cant let it go becuase this guy was seriously everthing i had ever looked for in a guy and i feel that no one else compares. i dont want to settle for someone that isnt everything i want when i used to have someone that was everything i wanted. im going to miss sooo many things about him and so many things we did together that we will never do again. i cry everytime i think about the fact that i will never kiss him, cuddle with him, or have sex with him ever again. we had so many plans for the future and i really thought he was the last guy i would ever be with. another reason i cant let it go is because i havent been alone in years. like i explained above in my other relationships since i was 14 ive pretty much always either had a boyfriend, was talking to a guy, or had a friends with benefits deal with one of my exes.

 

there was always someone i could call just to talk, someone there to hold me and spend time with me. im not used to not having that and i feel so alone. thats why i just kept going back for more because he was still there and i didnt feel alone when i was with him. he has only made it harder recently because of the way he has been so mean and hurtful to me. and the fact that he says hes glad we're over. how can you treat anyone like that much less a girl that you spent a year of your life with, loved and cared about, and talked about marrying? it makes me think that he has forgottten all about how he used to feel about me and he has forgotten all the good memories and everything we used to do togther. the only reason i have low self esteem now is because he has made me feel that way. by walking away from me after everything he promised and by treating me the way he has he makes me feel like there is something wrong with me. he has never said that he isnt attracted to me anymore but i wonder if that may be one of the reasons and that really lowers my self esteem. he was the one with low self esteem. he used to say that he is so scared that he isnt good enough for me and that im going to find someone better. he has said that he wishes he were more in shape and he hates lookin in the mirror and seeing what he sees. i know its time to let it go and im going to really try but i cant help it that theres this little glimmer of hope that he will come back. people have told me that maybe he is treating me like this because he isnt sure about what he wants and his feelings are frustrating him. i think this could be true because of the mixed signals he has been sending me since we broke up and because the other night i asked him if he wanted to be with me and he said no. then i asked him later to tell me for sure what he wanted and he said i dont know. i wonder if maybe his feelings are pulling in two different directions. like he wants to be single and do whatever he wants and spend time with his friends while hes still young and his friends keep telling him not to get back with me, but then another side of him misses me and still has feelings for me. i just cant believe after all the fighting and breaking up and getting back together that we did that he is finally really going to walk away and not come back.

[norajane]

Sorry, all I see there is that he's been treating you like crap and making you feel awful for a long time.

 

Don't you think it's time to stop, and heal for a while, so that you can meet someone and have a relationship that feels as good as this one did when you first met?

 

You're never going to get back what you two used to have. Things have changed and they'll never be the same. But there are so many wonderful men out there! Don't you want someone who wants to be with you? Why hold on to a guy who doesn't want to be with you?