Don't Do It!!!

[puddleofmud]

Forty plus years of never taking another woman's man ended with me becoming the mistress of a married man, it has been three years.

Even in high school I would not give any attention to a boy if I had a friend who had a crush on him, I never break dates with female friends to have a date with a man, and I am sad for women with no sense of self who feel MEN are their barometers of life. Twice married I never as much as cast a mere glance at another man while married.

I am now sick and repulsed by what I have become. I could not end it--I tried to and could not. No one knows about this and I have no one in which to confide.

He ended it. He didn't even tell me--he just changed his number, moved and there is no way for me to contact him. He just disappeared. I keep checking my email and there are "0" messages. My Voice Mail has "0" messages. I call a disconnected number over and over. I look for his car in traffic, I constantly think he will come to my door.

There is no closure, no words--I am left with the emotional bag, so to speak. I feel like a complete "0".

I don't sleep, I am sick and called in sick at work too much this week. I have been drinking bottles of wine, I don't want to eat or get dressed. My lips are blistered from chain smoking. My stomach hurts so much I vomit. I can't look at myself in mirror because I look like a dead person.

Did I know he was married? Yes and NO. He claimed to be separated and his marriage was over. He did have his own home and lived alone but unkown to me he continued contact with his wife, as well as visit her in another state. It could be he was just working in this town and their permanent home was in another.

When we met he told me a very sad story about how his wife had tried to run off with another man she had been in love with prior to their marriage and that the marriage was over and they had parted. They were married less than a year and supposedly separated for six months prior to our meeting.

He did tell me he was in love with me and that he was considering marriage to me.

We were happy until this past year when he began becoming "evasive". Emotionally and physically--he was around less and less, leaving at odd hours and coming at even more odd hours, his excuse being his work.

Something didn't "sit right" and I asked questions and complained AND I had figured it out by some snooping due to his evasiveness and even then just couldn't let go. Even when he couldn't be with me on weekends and Holidays for one excuse or another, I denied how much it hurt.

I just help wishing he would choose me. I thought if I fought for him and stayed true to him he would stay.

Then he just disappeared. I have checked on things as best I can and now know he has moved back in with his wife or really never left.

I know I should have closed the door on him as soon I found out the truth. When a man becomes so illusive you feel you have to start snooping and watching his every move should the time YOU leave, and I didn't.

Guess, what? The SOB is back on line at the same dating site telling the same story, trolling for women. He is so transparent and a master manipulator, I am just livid about this.

I know there in nothing I can do but I still think of him night and day. Even when I knew he was really married I couldn't stop seeing him.

Now I feel like a drowned fish stuggling for oxygen. I want him to call so badly, I want to have sex with him even now.

I want him to call so I can scream at him and tell him all the things he deserves to hear. I would like to tell his wife, but what good would it do? From what I understand from friends, she already knows "how he is".

All I can say is that when you know someone is married--STOP IT RIGHT THEN AND THERE. DON'T DO IT!!!!

No one wins, no one gets anything.

I can only hope that at some point I will re-gain myself. Until then there will be too many long nights knowing my ex-lover is in the arms of his WIFE and I have no lover. I did not even have a lover at all--he was a snake in the grass slithering around like the evil thing he is and when I realized that I denied it and the only person I can blame is ME.

[whichwayisup]

He ended it because he was married. Plain and simple. It was an inappropriate relationship for him to begin with you, and for you to accept. He was never yours to begin with as he had a wife...

 

As awful as you feel right now it is for the best. Seek some therapy to help you cope better.

 

You need to make your own closure!

[Jane Doe]

I'm really sorry for what you're going through now. This guy is clearly a con artist. What kind of support system do you have? Do you have any family or friends you can lean on to help you through this? If not, I would suggest you get some counseling ASAP. If you're missing work, sick to your stomach and drinking excessively, those are warning signs you need some help.

 

Please don't keep attempting to contact him. His leaving you high and dry and changing his number is a clear indication he doesn't want to hear from you. Furthermore, you shouldn't want to hear from him. You need to focus on yourself right now and on healing from this. Contact with him won't give you any closure. By virture of what he's done, he's given you all the closure you really need. Talking to him will only make you feel worse. Trust me.

[JamesM]

Ditto WWIU comments.

 

Also, here is a quote from you..

 

Guess, what? The SOB is back on line at the same dating site telling the same story, trolling for women.

 

This is very revealing...it is a good thing that you found out now.

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

I know there in nothing I can do but I still think of him night and day. Even when I knew he was really married I couldn't stop seeing him.

Now I feel like a drowned fish stuggling for oxygen. I want him to call so badly, I want to have sex with him even now.

I want him to call so I can scream at him and tell him all the things he deserves to hear. I would like to tell his wife, but what good would it do? From what I understand from friends, she already knows "how he is".

All I can say is that when you know someone is married--STOP IT RIGHT THEN AND THERE. DON'T DO IT!!!!

No one wins, no one gets anything.

.

 

Why do you still want him after you found out that he is really a serial cheater????

 

You were played. Swallow your pride and admit it! Then, forgive yourself for being weak, for letting him into your heart.

 

Magical thinking. It gets us "strong" women (aka feminists) every single time. There is no prince Charming. And there will NEVER be one. If he seems too good to be true, beware....

 

Now, thank God that you weren't the wife.

[GreenEyedLady]

You can regain yourself now...you fell in love, it didn't work out and it hurts...but you still have YOURSELF...now worry about taking care of you...

[puddleofmud]

It has does me a world of good to be allowed to express myself and I am grateful for every response.

I have made myself a nice dinner, bought some books, had my very first professional message, AND went for a long walk.

I had posted my story so that others may see the horror of the first shock of learning of a MM betrayal, to YOU and his wife and family.

I ate grapes at lunch today while in the park and looked at families playing together. I decided it was high time I made some "dates" with friends I love, since I have been isolating myself due this affair. I am the one who lost contact with friends, no one made me do this!

I did look a some male "butts" while running by. But I am not ready for that now.

I just want to get my smile back! The one the A-Hole tried to steal from me.

That is MINE and only MINE--that is what can never be stolen!

Hugs to all!

Puddlea

[Jane Doe]

It sounds like you're thinking positively and are on the right track. Keep repeating to yourself that you're worth more than you accepted and resolve never to let it happen again. Please stick around here. There are a lot of people here who could use your support and who will be happy to support you as well.

[ahotmess]

I Wish he would change his number.

 

I Wish he would go away.

 

I Wish he would leave me alone.

 

But do I really?

 

The saga of the OW....never ends...or does it?

[peacelove]

I Wish he would change his number.

 

I Wish he would go away.

 

I Wish he would leave me alone.

 

But do I really?

 

The saga of the OW....never ends...or does it?

 

It will end, only if YOU end it!!!! With a mm, the heartache never ends. End it, & there WILL be an end to the heartache.

[puddleofmud]

[COLOR=black]I am responding not for pity but to let those out there know that there are men who are so very good at this! [/COLOR]

[COLOR=black][/COLOR]

[COLOR=black]Thank you for your condolance. I am asking myself how he pulled it off!!![/COLOR]

[COLOR=black]Really, I am feeling like the befuddled idiot of the century. [/COLOR]

[COLOR=black]I do not wish to start a thread about this because reviewing it for myself right now is making me sick enough. [/COLOR]

[COLOR=black]Nutshell:[/COLOR]

[COLOR=black]I work in purchasing for a bank. He was involved with a system (by contract with another company ie the one he worked for) that took a great deal of time to bid, contract, design, then set up, hire persons to oversee via training, etc.[/COLOR]

[COLOR=black]We met during initial planning meetings, and had some lunches to which he invited me, but were not really dates. But sparks flew like fire flies. [/COLOR]

[COLOR=black]My department had his cell number, local address, etc. and we often had to call him via his cell. He and I had an easy way with each other and eventually he asked me to dinner, about which I was over joyed to say the least. It never ocurred to me that he wasn't single--It would never occur to me that a married man would ask anyone "out". Idiot me. [/COLOR]

[COLOR=black]He certainly did not wear a wedding band![/COLOR]

[COLOR=black]Everyone where I worked would tell me "your boyfriend is on the phone". [/COLOR]

[COLOR=black]We began dating, after several months we were an item, within public view, staying w/ him at his apartment and him at my home. My children knew him well as he practically lived with me after the first three months of our involvement. Though neither of my sons liked him I chalked it up to "no one is good enough for my mom" syndrome because they could never give me a good enough reason for their judgement. I did ask that they abide my decision, they agreed and were always cordial. [/COLOR]

[COLOR=black]He did tell me that he was separated for six months at that time and his divorce was to be final. He also told me his wife had recently been seeing an old friend of theirs and this was very hard for him to handle. [/COLOR]

[COLOR=black]There were no calls from anyone else and there was nothing to indicate he had anyone else in his life. When I look back I do remember him often sitting in his car in the parking lot talking on the phone and taking calls outside saying, "Excuse me, business again!" as if it annoyed him. [/COLOR]

[COLOR=black]His job did take him out of town often and for weeks at a time, but he always called and I could always call him. It was rare he didn't answer. When he didn't he would call back within a few hours at the least. [/COLOR]

[COLOR=black]He did go to his hometown now and then to supposedly "visit" with his grown daughters and their children--he would call me from there but only from his cell, but of course I thought this was because he wouldn't want any long distance tolls charged to them. He usually went to see them on major holidays, which was fine with me, except that I missed him. [/COLOR]

[COLOR=black]I also called when his children visited him and they answered the phone and knew exactly who I was by name. He would come straight to the phone and talk with me. (I think this was most likely because he covered by saying *I* was a business call). [/COLOR]

[COLOR=black]End: a few months ago (and some before that) there was what I would term a "dead zone". He was out of town-nothing new, but didn't answer nor return my messages. His communication became "spotty". [/COLOR]

[COLOR=black]I had a death in my family and needed him and he wasn't responding. I called his company via land line and the receptionist said, "Hi! Mrs. Notmyname", " He's right here" then put me through to his "desk' to which he answered, "Hi Hon!" I said Hey Babe, thank God you are there, but who is "who is Mrs. Notmyname?" I was actually thinking this was a nice joke he had set up, that he wanted me to be his wife! I just couldn't wait to hear his voice. [/COLOR]

[COLOR=black]He hung up. I called back and the receptionist said he was in a meeting and could not be reached. [/COLOR]

[COLOR=black]I called his cell for a few days until I got a "this number is no longer available". [/COLOR]

[COLOR=black] I called back and took the voice mail option but he never called back, and I called and called and everytime he was "not in the office", "not available", "out of town". [/COLOR]

[COLOR=black]I went to his apartment and no one was there, so I went to the apartment office and asked if he still lived there--I was told it was a corporate leased apartment and they weren't allowed to tell me anything else. I have driven by there and have never seen his car. [/COLOR][COLOR=black] [/COLOR]

[COLOR=black]So then I did what I had to do: I snooped into his reimbursement records, after getting them from Accounting (I had to fake my way through that one) and found his ACTUAL home address and phone which terrified me yet I called and asked for him. [/COLOR]

[COLOR=black]A female answered and I said this is so and so at so and so bank, we have some problems with Mr. so and so's expense report for the month of Blankety Blank, could you help me clarify? She said (very breezy), "certainly, this is wife and I would be happy to help, just tell me what you need, he'll be here shortly and I'll let him know. I really don't remember much after that. I think all the blood in my body went somewhere else. [/COLOR]

[COLOR=black]I think I said something like, "sure thanks, Mrs. Blah Blah, please tell him to call me (my real name) at (my real work number) so we can clear this up. Certainly once he got that message he knew who called.[/COLOR]

[COLOR=black]Then I went home and got real drunk. Then I got real sick remembering hearing his wife's voice. Then I go real drunk again. [/COLOR]

[COLOR=black]All I thought of was HIM and how much I still wanted him. Not the him that has a wife but the him that was with me. What a silly notion![/COLOR]

[COLOR=black]Arrrf! Enough of that! Eventually I found where I had left my stomach lining, sobered up and got a grip. [/COLOR]

[COLOR=black]It's not like every day is a piece of heaven--but I have to get by somehow! Soberly! [/COLOR]

[COLOR=black]I thank whatever carried me through that, it is just evil when a person does something like that to you and it takes time to get over.[/COLOR]

[COLOR=black]TIME is all I am asking for right now. And I hope it will be kind to me as well as to all of you as you go about your healing.[/COLOR]

[COLOR=black]Best wishes and heart-felt kindness to all of you![/COLOR]

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[puddleofmud]

What's up with that?

I forgot to mention that his email address is also closed. I googled it during my "snoop" and the same screen name came up on an internet dating site.

The profile was undoubtedly his with the same story he told me about his wife. The membership date is years old but his logging in is quite current.

What an A--.

[pureinheart]

Hey puddle,

 

My heart really goes out to you. In this type of situation there is a double portion of hurt, pain and rejection....and "the mirror" is reflecting it. It will take some time to overcome all of the feelings you are experiencing, BUT you will come out of it and be better than ever and "the mirror will reflect it!

 

Forgiveness is the key....forgive everyone and everything involved....and please forgive yourself, and be kind to you, love you for right now and the RIGHT man will be knocking on your door.