weebiogirl Posted November 11, 2006 Posted November 11, 2006 [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]I joined this today because i desperately needed someone to talk to that would give insight into whats going on right now. [/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]I broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years a couple of days ago, wed been living together for like a year and a half. He was my first boyfriend, my first love, and I held on to the relationship like crazy, despite all the tension and problems, hoping that things would change. Despite the fact the I was the one that ended it, I am heartbroken, never imagined it could hurt so much to loose the intimacy I had with him, that It was so difficult to just let go. [/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]I feel really low right now, he just left after having an argument and him telling me to go to hell and I was twisted and nasty and he didn’t want my friendship. Part of me wanted him to stay and the other part desperately wanted him to leave. [/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]Since I cant be objective as to what happened to destroy the relationship I hope my venting will help me understand my faults too, not only his. Okay here goes..even if I don’t get any responses I will write this down and let it out[/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]I met this guy when he was a virgin, he had never even had a girlfriend for a week or somethink. He had had drug problems in his teens and had left home to join the military in order to start afresh. Something I respected because its not easy to leave drugs. His family is very disturbed, more so than most families. his guy grew up without a mother basically, she left him and his brothers with their stepdad and kept coming back for a while over the years. She was an alcoholic and suffered from depression and selfishness basically. The stepdad never let her go even though she cheated and left, he never gave her a divorce, he was physically abusive towards her when she cheated but loved her still and wanted her there. So this guy grew up with a stepdad that hit him sometimes, and a mother that was a constant disappointment.[/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]When he met me he found love and caring for the first time in his life. I am a very spoiled person but also very caring and loving and he was my first real relationship too so I gave him my all. We clung to each other like crazy, spent way too much time together until he left to fo to iraq for 7 months and then spent 7 tough months getting to know each other per email. We had arguments because of my spoiled nature I admit. Why didn’t u call?why don’t u write as much as I do? Why do u sound weird? Those kinds of things.[/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]The relationship after he came back was a constant rollercoaster ride. He had problems with his feet so was in pain a lot, and moody, and then doctors found a tumor in his bladder and we got scared and thought he might have cancer. It never crossed my mind to leave him but we had arguments about him opening up about it. When we fight im very witty I would say, always convinced im right, defending my arguments and he just gets frustrated and says nasty thins like the f word and this and that. [/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]After that we argued about him smoking because after him getting the tumor I freaked out and quit smoking and expected him to too. (I have a childhood fear of cancer)He tried and always got caught lying about smoking.[/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]I also found out that he had been lying about having a girlfriend before me, he had been embarrassed to admit he was inexperienced and so had invented a girlfriend. Which hadn’t been so freaky if he hadn’t made up a whole soap opera about her. We even had arguments about “her” coz I got jealous about him mentioning indiscrete things about her at the beginning of the relationship (he even made up things about their sex life). It was then that I realized this guy has a tendency of making up fantasies in his head and holding on to them, I was shocked but relieved that I was the first one in his life. (yes im spoilt and jealous).[/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]I was nosy and invaded his privacy one day by checking his emails. To my defense I only did it coz he was away and I was missing him and found myself wanting to be near him somehow. Found out he had joined websites claiming he was single etcetc. I was so hurt. Maybe a more mature experienced woman would’ve said ok guys are guys they watch porn go on the net , writing profiles is fun blablabla, I was heartbroken and in shock and angry. Also read an email he had written to some girl he had once chatted with telling her he thought he might be in love with her. More shock and anger. Still, he came back, we fought and he promised it didn’t mean anything and he would do it again and despite my resentment I didn’t break it off. I started joining websites myself.[/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]The relationship got more serious, he started talking about getting engaged and he was so innocent and sweet about it I let myself warm up to the idea even though I knew I was really young and inexperienced and my parents haven’t been the best example of a marriage so im insecure about it. We got a apartment and bought stuff on ebay because he told me he had savings and he would have money transferred from England and all would be good. Money didn’t get here, we were broke, he had issues with his bank, I had lent him money to pay for some cell phone trouble he had gotten himself in to because he was irresponsible with it, he couldn’t pay me back he couldn’t get a flight back home to get money coz of his job………..it was a nightmare….argument after argument over money, and smoking, and cleaning up etc[/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]We got through it somehow but it had affected our sex life, I just didn’t feel like it during that time, I was blaming him for the way he had acted with the money, letting me believe he had easy access to it when he didn’t.[/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]We agreed he would transfer his savings so we could finally move into the apartment he was paying for. Because he was paying ofr it all, I had told him I didn’t want to move in together cz of the money and he had said not to worry we lived like a married couple anyways and he saw it as normal that he would be the bread winner. It was so comfortable of me to agree…[/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]The 17000 never came. He kept the lie for a couple of weeks, saying that the money would arrive, until he finally admitted that he had been back home and realized that he had spent wayyy too much and somehow 17000 had turned to 3000. He had never ordered a transfer.[/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]Sex life didn’t get better with that either, I was disappointed but still I stayed even though I knew by then this guy had big issues with lying.[/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]Gees writing this I cant believe it.[/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]Another crisis issue. I don’t know why he gave me to understand he was bisexual and then took it back and then in a fight said it again to finally say he wasn’t. Unfortunately im not very openminded about it and it disgusted me and made me paranoid, I still to this day am not sure what to think. I just know that at that time I was freaked out and crying and disgusted and I didn’t think I could be with him if he was. Because I was a pain in the ass about it he says he just told me what I wanted to hear when he re- admitted the bisexuality. He said he wasn’t though and we moved on, but subconsciously I still doubted because he isn’t exactly the most emotionally solid person there is.[/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]We moved in together, we were happy, things got better or so I thought, libido was still kinda not there but the wonder of living together and having been through such hard finantial times brought us close. Another wave of arguments started, we couldn’t agree on who when should clean, house was untidy coz were both lazy, money was scarce and he didn’t accept it, he wanted to buy expensive clothes and go out partying like we used to when we weren’t living together. I had to spend money on food at the end of the month because we never could get it together to budget ourselves properly.I accused him of being selfish and bad with money and not being ready for the commitment. He accused me of being twisted and lazy and said I wasn’t good with money either.[/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]We stayed together were engaged by this point. It was such a dear tender caring for one another that despite everything we couldn’t end it, I loved him still and he loved me and we had fun and connected despite the arguments. We had broke up once the year before after we went to visit his parents but this year it got stupid. Every argument we ad he had to turn it into a maybe we shouldn’t be together, or walking out on me just to come back and then we would talk and “SORT” things out and thingwould get back to normal. We were still very affectionate with one another but the inner tension caused me to start thinking that he was too immature, not man enough somehow, a man should keep his promises and all he did was break his like they didn’t mean anything. I also starting building a defense just in case he ended it, since he always came across as being sick of not having money to party. And also sick of me being spoiled. Arguments included him threatening to punch the tv or him throwing things and insulting me. He never hit me but he was verbally abusive and I told him so and it got better, he stopped calling me names when he was angry but the throiwing things never stopped. I started fearing his outbursts..more tension, more confrontation, but still, the feeling that I wanted to be with him that he was my best friend was still there. Sex life was still ****ty though.[/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]On our second year anniversary things got nasty, I got upset and in a huff coz he hadn’t planned anything and apparently he exploded because he hadn’t had money to plan anything but had bought an engagement ring and was gonna give it to me 2 days later. He broke up with me, horribly, yelling it was over, he hated me he was gonna leave. Normally so proud I stood there and humiliated myself. You always say things like that but then u say it was just anger u didn’t mean them balblabla but he kept shouting that this time it was serious, he tried to leave and I would let him, blocked the door, in the end he tricked me and made me believe we were both going to get a cab a get a drink and he sneaked out of the house and left me with yellow post its with the words its over written on them. He accused me of beingtwisted and being guilty for his outbursts and temper .[/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]I thought he was serious but no, next day he took it back. I was angry and unsure of his feelings towards me because im usually very negative and it occurred to me he was just staying coz it was comfortable or somethink like that. After a week of telling him I need time to think coz I was hurt, he called me crying and I took him back. The humiliation never left though, it ate away at me I couldn’t believe I had begged him to stay I just couldn’t. Something in me changed.[/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]Same petty arguments over cleaning and money and smoking, felt like his mother and lost respect for him as a man, it was unthinkable to me how a person could want to marry me and at the same time behave so irresponsibly with money. Everytime there was an extra it was spent. Don’t get me wrong he got me everything though , he is so generous with money and I learnt to see it as a sign of his caring about me. He is a sweet person with little malice in him. Funny and cute and smart. Made me feel so loved and so insecure at the same time, how is that?[/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]Afte a couple more broken promises and smoking issues and partying issues and me realizing when he was away for 3 weeks that I was much calmer without him, I finally called it quits a couple of days ago. He came back so nice and calm and a bit more grown up but the damage was done, the minute he did something wrong I said that’s enough uve had me like this for a yearm thinking ur trying to quit smoking and I said it was over. He didn’t believe me thought it was a fight but somethings died in me, the wanting to believe in him, were both immature and not ready and it would take lots of time for us to grow up. I still don’t want to let go though and that’s whats heartbreaking, seeing him in pain, begging me not to leave him, remembering how only 2 weeks ago we had cuddled and he had said he was so happy with his future wife in his nice apartment with things looking up. The tears in his eyes cause me pain and the pain is causing anger, why couldn’t things be different? Why do I have to have so many issues with this person that loves me sooo much , why did I loose respect, love, why?????[/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]If I care about him so much why is my mind telling me to stop doing this. I refuse to believe he will hate me, forget about me, not care some day, I hold on to the idea that we will change and experience more things and more people and then we will magically end up together again. He is so hurt and angry and surprised, says im nasty and everyone things im twisted and a rat. Hes paying for the rent until I can move out and tells me one minute whe wants to be my friend and the next im nasty.I know he loves me and he would probably would want to get back together with me if I didn’t start anything with anyone else but my brain is telling me to let go even though it hurts that it will never get better…..the loneliness of loosing him has caused me to sit here crying at 3am writing this and hoping someone will say itll work out. Its so sad, this is our home and im sitting here without him. When he looks at me his eyes twinkle with affection, when i look at him my heart goes soft and i want to kiss and pet him like a child.I want to protect him, help him, but if im so twisted like he says maybe i push his buttons too much. Am i nasty coz im huritng him, is it bad to think maybe i can meet someone else and it will be ni´ce to have fun and not care so much about a person because all carings brought me is pain, lots of pain.[/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Should i let it go? are his and my emotional issues to much?[/sIZE][/FONT]
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