regferree Posted November 10, 2006 Posted November 10, 2006 I recently decided that I no longer wanted to be in my marriage. There were other men involved and I felt I needed to move on from the 15 year relationship (almost 11 year marriage). Now I am on my own and miserable. It takes everything I have to make it through some days. I go out with friends to ease the pain, but once back I spend my time crying and wanting my life and husband back. I think I've made a big mistake and don't know what to do now.
Pyro Posted November 10, 2006 Posted November 10, 2006 I recently decided that I no longer wanted to be in my marriage. There were other men involved and I felt I needed to move on from the 15 year relationship (almost 11 year marriage). Now I am on my own and miserable. It takes everything I have to make it through some days. I go out with friends to ease the pain, but once back I spend my time crying and wanting my life and husband back. I think I've made a big mistake and don't know what to do now. You have made the right decision. There were other men involved. Had you stayed with him, it would have only created more pain, alot more pain than what you are feeling right now. Its only normal for it to hurt at first and its going to hurt for some time, but as each day goes by, it will get just a little easier. You are off to a good start by occupying your time with friends. Occupy yourself as much as you can and the coping period won't be as hard on you. Good luck.
Gunny376 Posted November 10, 2006 Posted November 10, 2006 You're adapting and over-coming. Adjusting. Falling back into your life. Grieving for a life that wasn't and didn't work for you. Now go create one that does.
dgiirl Posted November 10, 2006 Posted November 10, 2006 Do you really believe you've made a mistake? Or are you just scared of what the future will bring? Often when we make a change, we have difficulty with that decision. We'd prefer stability and stay in situations we are familiar with than to go through change. So we often want what we had, even tho it was not good for us. If you truely believe you've made a mistake, then you need to first figure out why you left. Once you know WHY you left, then ask yourself if there is a solution to fix that problem. Until you know why you left and know how to fix it, then dont go back. If you do know these answers, then get into therapy and make sure you are making the right decision. Once you've done ALL of that, then talk with your husband and see if he wants you back. There's no point in going back if only in a year or two you'll run again. So you need to put in the effort now. I strongly urge counselling regardless of what action you take. Sounds like you could use objective guidance and a therapist can help you a lot.
LakesideDream Posted November 10, 2006 Posted November 10, 2006 Assuming your ex is aware of the "other men", and that you left him.... There isn't much you can do. You left leaving your husband. Now he is in control of his future, and by extention any future you might have with him. These things happen. The risk that cheaters run (with "other men" or women) is that they will alienate their partners and destroy relationships.
bfly Posted November 11, 2006 Posted November 11, 2006 I think you did the right decision. I know it's not easy but better days are coming.
ilmw Posted November 11, 2006 Posted November 11, 2006 I recently decided that I no longer wanted to be in my marriage. There were other men involved and I felt I needed to move on from the 15 year relationship (almost 11 year marriage). Now I am on my own and miserable. It takes everything I have to make it through some days. I go out with friends to ease the pain, but once back I spend my time crying and wanting my life and husband back. I think I've made a big mistake and don't know what to do now. Can you post a little more of your story.... I think you would get some more realy great advise... if you let us all know what / why you are no longer with your husband.. ... "other men involved" kinda only gives me the mental image that you are a cheater.... but why did this happen.... Give us the big picture... K? ilmw
FlyingHigh Posted November 11, 2006 Posted November 11, 2006 What else is there to post? She wanted to see if the other side were greener. It wasn't! This is probably the most disturbing part with people and marriages which is that you had a spouse that many people single people would care to have. Someone to go home to and plan the future with. But, it wasn't enough. You were looking for something when you should've/could've reassessed your 11 year marriage and have had that "marriage maintenance" talk WITH your husband. But you decided to include "other men" to try and fix whatever it was you were missing. Now, you've come full circle and discovered that the other side of the fence is not greener after all. Rather than looking at your life in misery, learn to understand why you are in it in the first place. There's a lesson in it. If you don't, you will most likely be faced with the same predicament in the future. Stop looking at other men/people or "men" in general to fufill whatever that which you are missing. It's not with them or anyone. It's within you. Where to start? Start being honest with yourself. Until you can do that, you won't have anything honest to offer to another man, much less to your husband. Marriage is like having a car. If you don't take care of it, it won't take care of you.
anna13 Posted November 12, 2006 Posted November 12, 2006 that is hard , are you saying you may want to reconciliate with you XH ? do you miss him or do you miss being married? that is why i usually feel that divorce should be the last choice in solving problems. unless there is a situation where there is no way to save a marriage such as physical abuse or something horrible like that. It is hard but you just have to try to move on . maybe spend some time single and focus on work and saving money ( only cause saving money makes me happy) . find a way to satisfy what you feel is missing . if you do consider trying to reconnect with your XH , dont be too shocked if he has moved on . but also never say never. If you do ever consider going back , then make sure you are prepaired to do whatever it takes , counceling , ect. your XH probobly has alot of anger about what happened to. Iknow I am speaking prematurely or even out in left field but thought i would mention it anyway . hang in there.
Rooster_DAR Posted November 12, 2006 Posted November 12, 2006 What else is there to post? She wanted to see if the other side were greener. It wasn't! This is probably the most disturbing part with people and marriages which is that you had a spouse that many people single people would care to have. Someone to go home to and plan the future with. But, it wasn't enough. You were looking for something when you should've/could've reassessed your 11 year marriage and have had that "marriage maintenance" talk WITH your husband. But you decided to include "other men" to try and fix whatever it was you were missing. Now, you've come full circle and discovered that the other side of the fence is not greener after all. Rather than looking at your life in misery, learn to understand why you are in it in the first place. There's a lesson in it. If you don't, you will most likely be faced with the same predicament in the future. Stop looking at other men/people or "men" in general to fufill whatever that which you are missing. It's not with them or anyone. It's within you. Where to start? Start being honest with yourself. Until you can do that, you won't have anything honest to offer to another man, much less to your husband. Marriage is like having a car. If you don't take care of it, it won't take care of you. This is a very good observation and advice give the little we know about what happened with you. I also believe instead of looking somewhere else you should have opened up to your H and see if you could resolve this together. Unfortunately, many people decide to go outside of their marriage/LTR only to find out that things aren't better. I also agree with some of the other posters, you may be experiencing separation anxiety. Ask your self "What do I want?" "Can I be happy with my ex H again?", or "Do I need to move on and find my own happiness?". In the end, no matter who your with you will more than likely venture down bordedom avenue, it's all about ebb and flow. Good luck!
scaredinlove Posted November 12, 2006 Posted November 12, 2006 I recently decided that I no longer wanted to be in my marriage. There were other men involved and I felt I needed to move on from the 15 year relationship (almost 11 year marriage). Now I am on my own and miserable. It takes everything I have to make it through some days. I go out with friends to ease the pain, but once back I spend my time crying and wanting my life and husband back. I think I've made a big mistake and don't know what to do now. I am going to separation too, and althought I feel relieved because my marriage was very bad. There are days and moments I feel sad, guilty and remorseful. I feel like a horrible person. But I know I am doing the best for all parts involved. Now if you miss your H so much, maybe you still love him. Maybe you should go back. I know of people who seoparetad and them realized that wasn't what they wanted. Maybe you just needed some time out of the relationship.If you think you should try again, do it.
FlyingHigh Posted November 12, 2006 Posted November 12, 2006 This is a very good observation and advice give the little we know about what happened with you. I also believe instead of looking somewhere else you should have opened up to your H and see if you could resolve this together. Unfortunately, many people decide to go outside of their marriage/LTR only to find out that things aren't better. I also agree with some of the other posters, you may be experiencing separation anxiety. Ask your self "What do I want?" "Can I be happy with my ex H again?", or "Do I need to move on and find my own happiness?". In the end, no matter who your with you will more than likely venture down bordedom avenue, it's all about ebb and flow. Good luck! Thanks Roost! And I also agree with your last paragraph. You know the problem with our society now days is that we have acquired the "quick fix", express line mentality. We want everything now or yesterday. And with technology, it keeps adding to reasons why we don't "have to work" so hard. At the touch of a button, technology will solve our problem. The other "problem" we as a society have is people not wanting to be accountable for the choices they make. People are quick to blame others. Why? Because it's easier. We blame our dysfunctional upbringing for our shortcomings and flaws in our adult life. Yet, the very same people who are functionally employed indviduals who are intelligent, productive members of society and manage to collect a paycheck every 2 weeks will blame their personal problems/issues on others and their upbringing. I know, we can start a whole new thread on this topic alone.... Ever saw the new TV car commercial where it will do the parallel parking for you? It's cool, but it will still need to be maintained, like all of us and our relationships/marriages from time to time.
Gunny376 Posted November 12, 2006 Posted November 12, 2006 I agree with Flying High and Rooster ~ un-questionably people are too quick to just jump ship at the least bit of turblance. But, its not just the instant gradification mentality alone ~ its that we're all living at a much faster pace, trying to do too much, have to much too soon without the scarifice. People jump out of High School, trade school, college, and they jump into marriages, many of them without a pot to cook in let alone with one to **** in. Then comes Easy Credit, and then comes "Keeping Up With The Jones" and then comes "Got To Have" There are a lot of variables to this equation. But, its not that hard of an equation to understand and to solve. The solution is to live life slowly ~ or as slowly as you can. That and keep it simple. I use to be one of those guys in my youth that got married at 22 and was trying to have something in life. Got ambitious, the children came, and I was trying to claw my way up the food chain. Trying to be a husband, a father, work a very demanding full time job ~ carrer, go to school part time, etc, etc. In the end it all blew up in my face, and I got my azz handed to me. Even though in my mind at the time I didn't do anything "wrong" I did everything "wrong" I'm re-reading Michelle Weiner-Davis' "DivorceBusting" again (1992 edition) and she's dead on about how something that is suppose to be so simple gets complicated quick, fast and in a hurry like. The ones that are hurt and suffering here are the women ~ and they're their own worse enemy. 40% of all women who divorce over the age of thirty never re-marry. Women's household income drops on average to 72% of what it was when they were married ~ men's rises. Of those women that do re-marry ~ the divorce rate for second time marriages is 62%! And, more often than not they find themselves with a repeat of what they left or worse, (The Devil you know is better than the one that you don't know)
Woggle Posted November 12, 2006 Posted November 12, 2006 You bought into the idea that you need to be Ms Independent and shed your husband so you can be on your own and it wasn't this great liberating experience you thought it would be. Sucks to be you I guess. You can try to reconnect with your ex but don't be surprised if he has moved on.
FlyingHigh Posted November 14, 2006 Posted November 14, 2006 How can one become "independent" when one jumps from one relationship to the next without resolving the old one? People who fall into this category are NOT independent. They are more fearful of being alone, and are insecure and immature. I expect that those who are high income achiever will disagree and argue that they hold top management jobs and direct people every day. Hey that's well and good. But their professional behavior/personality, characters have nothing to do with personal relationships because work doesn't come face to face with their personal and inner emotions. It's usually checked outside of the office door before they clock in. FEAR and insecurity is the biggest culprit that prevents one from becoming emotionally ndependent. Women can become financially independent as men can, but emotional independence is a whole different ball game. Maturity is gained via personal experience from the most traumatic to every day small ones. Maturity has nothing to do with age because growth is an OPTION. When you get hit with a crisis, you have a choice to learn from that crisis, make some changes and you grow up OR remain the whining immature adult who lets out a temper tantrum when you don't get your way and blames everyone and everything for their miseries and misfortunes. Just decide. Afterall, no one put a gun to your head. You are where you are simply by the choices you made. Understand it. Accept it. Learn from it. Grow from it. Unless you do this process, you will again, repeat it.
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