BenThereDunThat Posted November 11, 2006 Posted November 11, 2006 IMO you should continue to ignore her. She is begging for you to do something. She's baiting you. One good thing, she appears to be running out of options. I'm sure it would be really, really hard (don't know if I could do it!), but keep acting as if she's not even there. Hopefully she'll see what a waste of time it is and move onto some other victim.
lindya Posted November 11, 2006 Posted November 11, 2006 If you want to help me, tell me what I should do as a person. Should I confront her? Fight her? Ignore her? Give her something to be mad about and start some **** about her. What do I do on my own, because thats how it is. I am on my own to deal with this. I dont like it but thats exactly how it is. I think this woman might be continuing with her attacks against you because she sees some potential for you to respond in kind...resulting in a dramatic, vengeance-filled feud between the two of you. If you consistently regarded her as a pitiful creature who's beneath your contempt and interest, she'd probably fade out of your life quite quickly. As it stands, she gets to you....and that probably makes her feel as thought she matters. I say that if you can get some counselling to strengthen your coping skills through this difficulty, then you should do. As it stands, she's handing you bits and pieces of her poisonous dysfunctionality, and you're absorbing it to the extent that you're considering mirroring her behaviour (by, for instance, fighting her or starting up crap about her).
Author Romeo Must Die Posted November 11, 2006 Author Posted November 11, 2006 Do you think you could stand to have your husbands mistress (or another OW) come up to you where you are seated and sit within a few feet in front of you. You know that she's baiting you because she knows your game & that you are ignoring her. You are caught in some kind of cat and mouse game. She has manipulated that with her forward apporoach, and it's like, "Hey BW look at me! I'm right in front of you and theres nothing you can do about it!" As I said, I have ignored her and ignored her and ignored her. She could have been holding up a sign saying she'd cut my throat, but I wouldnt know. I never looked in her direction. I looked around like no one was there and then I moved to the other side of the room. Also, I dont plan on ever returning to the same clinic again. It does not resolve the situation. I feel like I'm still trapped as I was when this happened thursday afternoon. I'm caught in a conflict and it looks like Im going to have to fight like hell to get out of it.
Spinderella Posted November 11, 2006 Posted November 11, 2006 It sounds as though you want an excuse to get dirty and fight. Not saying you don't have reason to be angry. Who knows, perhaps the more dignified you are, the more you get to her, and perhaps if you did lose it, she would feel you and she were more equal, and not need to prove that to herself anymore. The trouble is, that you don't know this. You don't know what is in her mind, but she is clearly not getting over this. Somebody said to keep your own strength up, and I think this is good advice. Keep strong and keep calm, then you are always ready for any situation, and you are not adding to the insanity.
silktricks Posted November 11, 2006 Posted November 11, 2006 "Hey BW look at me! I'm right in front of you and theres nothing you can do about it!" ahhhh, but there is something you can do about it. It's what you've been doing thus far. Document EVERYTHING. And keep ignoring her. As I said, I have ignored her and ignored her and ignored her. {snip} I looked around like no one was there and then I moved to the other side of the room. Also, I dont plan on ever returning to the same clinic again. No, no, no, no. You simply must go about your life as if she does not exist. Don't move to the other side of the room. Don't not look towards her. Don't avoid the clinic. When you look towards where she is, look through her. By avoiding her, you are playing right into her hands. Remember, she does not exist. Go about your life that way. She is nothing, zero, a non-entity. Don't let her problem be anything other than her problem. She wants a confrontation. She wants you to seem crazy and out of control. She wants the upper hand. It does not resolve the situation. I feel like I'm still trapped as I was when this happened thursday afternoon. I'm caught in a conflict and it looks like Im going to have to fight like hell to get out of it. You need to fight like hell to get out of the conflict, by at all costs avoiding the conflict. If she gets in your face, the best thing of all things to say to her is: "I forgive you." (Hopefully, you could mean it, but that's doubtful, and beside the point anyway.) Document the holy s**t out of everything and pray that you'll never need to use it. I also had problems with my H's ex-OW. Not to the extent that you are having, by any means (probably because she lives in another state), but for over a year we would get crank calls, whenever she was in town my car would get egged, etc. After over a year of it, she finally gave up (thank God)! Try to keep in mind the fact that you reacting to her would be giving her exactly what she wants. Sometimes knowing that you are the person who is truly in control of your life is the only thing that you can hang onto, and the only way you can keep the sanity that you need. Don't forget if she CAN get you to react, I almost guarantee that she will prosecute you. So hold on. Keep on fighting the good fight. Don't let the woman push you into something you will regret. I could talk to you about what's going on inside of her, but I don't think you need to hear that. I think you need to keep in mind that your sanity, your family, your relationship with your husband all depend on you not allowing her any further incursion into your life. Take good care of yourself.
lindya Posted November 11, 2006 Posted November 11, 2006 Do you think you could stand to have your husbands mistress (or another OW) come up to you where you are seated and sit within a few feet in front of you. You know that she's baiting you because she knows your game & that you are ignoring her. You are caught in some kind of cat and mouse game. She has manipulated that with her forward apporoach, and it's like, "Hey BW look at me! I'm right in front of you and theres nothing you can do about it!" Hearing about what I can cope with and how I would deal with this situation wouldn't necessarily be helpful to you. There are certain techniques you can practice that help you retain poise in horrible situations, but I'm not convinced that's the kind of advice you're looking for. If you're determined to tackle her head on, I can't imagine how any messages you get on this board could give you what you need to do that effectively. Unless you've got a lot of practical experience in managing conflict and are confident of your ability to handle it calmly, then tackling this woman head on is liable to be disastrous - and I think that's why everyone's adhering to the "focus on ignoring her" advice. It just wouldn't be responsible to cheer-lead you into a head on collision with her.
Lennox Posted November 12, 2006 Posted November 12, 2006 She's purposely taunting you in an effort to get you to fight with her. She knows the only way she's going to get back at your husband for dumping her filthy, disgusting ass is to taunt you into attacking her. That way, she can file a civil suit against you and claim you injured her. Don't fall for it! I know it's easier said than done, and you would just love to kick her butt, and I'd be right there cheering you on as you laid a good one into her IF there would be no reprecussions from it to you. She's lost. She can't stand the fact that your husband chose you over her. She needs to be kept busy, she's got too much time on her hands. Can you imagine how much time she would have to take if someone dropped those little subscription cards to magazines, CD's and DVD's where they bill you later and put you on automatic shipments would take to straighten out? I don't know if it would be against board policy, but can you imagine if her name and mailing address was posted here so subscriptions could come from all over the country for her? No, don't post it here, but you get the idea. Just some support fantasizing on my part in your behalf. I like the cease and desist letter idea from an attorney. And, you can file police report after police report against her, and no one has the right to tell you that you can't. It's all part of the documentation that the others wrote about and I wholeheartedly agree with them.
silktricks Posted November 12, 2006 Posted November 12, 2006 She's purposely taunting you in an effort to get you to fight with her. Love your avatar!!
BenThereDunThat Posted November 12, 2006 Posted November 12, 2006 She needs to be kept busy Everything you said was right-on, but that line really cracked me up. Just like certain breeds of dogs. You gotta keep them occupied or they get destructive. RMD - I know I'm not in your shoes, and god knows how I would handle it. But from the outsider's point of view, everyone here is right - she is just trying to matter. She feels rejected and needs to be noticed. If you don't notice her or pay her any mind, hopefully she'll go away. You said yourself that she's playing a cat and mouse game. Who wants to play a game when the other person refuses to participate? Hopefully, she'll find another playmate/victim. They always do. The reality of her life is so pathetic, it's the only way she can feel alive. Just ignore her and let someone else be on the other side of the playing board from her.
Author Romeo Must Die Posted November 12, 2006 Author Posted November 12, 2006 http://www.minor-miracles.net/bonshea/SerialBully.html A further advantage of the denial/counter-attack/feigning victim hood strategy is that it acts as a provocation. The target, who may have taken months to reach this stage, sees their tormentor getting away with it and is provoked into an angry and emotional outburst after which the bully says simply "There, I told you she was like that". Anger is one of the mechanisms by which bullies (and all abusers) control their targets. By tapping in to and obtaining an inappropriate release of pent-up anger the bully plays their masterstroke and casts their victim as villain.
PoshPrincess Posted November 13, 2006 Posted November 13, 2006 Without a doubt DEFINITELY ignore her. If you react or even show that your bothered in anyway (by avoiding her, etc) then you are playing right into her hands. She wants to get a reaction out of you, wants some sort of confrontation, by the sounds of things. Don't give it to her. You are worth more than that! I totally agree with what Chapter 2 said. She is psychotic. This isn't love that is making her react in this way - it's obsession. If she had any love for your husband at all she would show some respect for his decision and leave him to get on with his life. I am an recently ex-OW and, yes, it was extremely hard knowing that my ex-MM had decided to stay with his W and kids for whatever reason, but I love him and care about him enough to want him to be truly happy. I would never try and come between him and his family anymore than I already have. I think I hurt his W enough by having an EA with her husband and certainly wouldn't want to rub her nose in it. Harrassing his family who he loved more than anything would never have entered my head because I wouldn't want to hurt HIM. Plus, I, as many OW on here, feel I have a bit more dignity than to endlessly pursue a man who has made it clear he doesn't want/can't be with me. Simple as that.
Author Romeo Must Die Posted November 14, 2006 Author Posted November 14, 2006 My friend is a nurse and she has an adult in her care on weekends who is menatlly handicapped and we were taking him back to the home on Monday and he was talking about the old man giving him problems catching him with cigarettes he said if he got yelled at again, he would throw up on him. lol. On purpose I suppose. Then I got an idea and I looked at my friend who knows all about the OW situation and said, "Can I borrow him sometime?" What crime would that be. Next time I go to the clinic, Ill bring him with me. You cant charge a handicapped man for puking on you. lol, just kidding.
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