I love you so much, but you don't feel the same way, do you?

[magichands]

Oh and ignore Magic. He doesn't know what he's talking about.

 

Hmmm...I'm all action.

[lovestruck234]

I explained that sorta thing to Rhys last night. That to want to make it work, you have to put in the effort. He asked what I meant. I told him it means making sure that person is happy day in day out, that they are satisfied, that they want to be with you. Basically, just putting that person first, like you both said. I explained this to him but in a way, he still didn't understand. He told me he needs my help with this relationship cos I'm kinda his first one. I think sometimes he's eager to learn and to make the effort, but that feeling only lasts so long and he discoveres that..

 

"Hmm...she can make the effort. This is too hard. I'll just give up.."

 

And by giving up, you're throwing that weight onto the other person, hence the imbalance, hence the tension, hence the breakdowns, hence the screaming and crying and running away, hence the resentment, hence the sadness, hence the whole damn cycle round and round again!!

 

He told me that the reason he pushes away was cos of the arguments. Which I can understand, to a degree. He told me this...

 

"Tess, if we try to make this work, then we've gotta really try ok? I can't do this all the time. All this sitting around, deep and meaningful talking, watching you cry. I'm new to this stuff, and it's sometimes too much to handle. It's hard. Relationships shouldn't be hard like this. They should be happy, easy-going, none of this fighting and crying. I hate seeing you cry Tess. I hate it."

 

I think he thinks that realtionships just blossom and evolve by themselves. That everyday is filled with butterflies and sunflowers, happy every minute of it.

 

He's wrong.

 

You have got to make the effort. I think he can say that, but I don't think he knows what it means. It's a weird concept....very weird...

 

It's like knocking on an empty houses door. No-one is going to answer. That's what it's like getting through to him sometimes.

[Touche]

See the thing of it is, Tess is that you shouldn't have to make THIS much of an effort. Yes there's some effort required. But you're talking WAY more effort than it takes to make this work.

 

You can't fit a square peg into a round hole. And that's what you two are trying to do. Your levels of compatibilty aren't even CLOSE!

 

You know what "work" in a good relationship means to me? What it it in MY marriage?

 

It's like this: It has to do with stupid things like where we go on vacation, or what we agree on for dinnner, or maybe even whether we should invest in a certain property or not. It has to do with how to handle our son. It has to do with agreeing on where to go for the holidays..his family or mine? It has to do with lots of little things that we have to come to an agreement on.

 

Do you want to know what it DOESN'T have to do with? Do you want to know what we DON'T have to "work" on?

 

Well, we don't have to work on respecting each other. And we don't have to work on meeting each others' needs as far as affection or sex.

 

And we don't have to work on SO many things! Do I ever feel or have I ever felt like he was just using me for sex? NO! But yes, I've had men make me feel like that in the past.

 

Did I need to worry about him on the few occasions that he's had to go out of town? NO! He called me after dinner and in the middle of the night to tell me he really missed me. Same thing when I used to have to go on some business trips.

 

I could go on and on trying to explain to you what you SHOULDN'T be needing to work on. But Tess, you just won't really know this until the pain of Rhys is behind you and you meet the REAL man you're meant to be with.

 

I just PRAY it doesn't take you as long as it did me.

[Shovelack]

I just PRAY it doesn't take you as long as it did me.

 

Me too, Touché

[Touche]

Me too, Touché

 

It won't. I'm just a little slow sometimes. Most people will catch on WAY quicker than I did.