Jump to content

I love you so much, but you don't feel the same way, do you?

lovestruck234

By lovestruck234
in General Relationship Discussion

 Share
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

Posted
Posted

Love - Just slowly start detaching yourself from him. Don't rely on him as much, focus on you and your family. The more time you put yourself first, don't think about him when you're not with him, the easier it will be on you when it ends...Sorry to say this, but it is a matter of time before it does. Just when? Who knows.

 

With that being said, I know you do love him, your heart does but I don't think your mind does...Realistically and deep inside you YOU know that he isn't the "one".

 

Whatever is going to happen will happen, don't think either of you can control it, so just go with the flow OR when you realize you've had enough and can function knowing that he won't be a daily part of your life anymore, break up with him for good.

 

HIS LOSS, not yours. He's shown you who he is now - HE isn't the the Rhys you fell inlove with, you two have grown apart. Respect that, feel sad about that, but don't blame yourself...You're gonna be OK my dear, I promise you that!!

 

Lots of hugs and try not to worry about it too much, k!

Touche Established Member

Touche

Posted
Posted
So you're saying that by me sitting here thinking "oh no, I don't want to hurt them, I'll wait for them to break up with me" that in fact, they're thinking the same thing???

 

I took it that way. At least I thought that was what she was saying. But mostly she was basically saying what I was. And that is that it's important that you focus on YOUR happiness first and not HIS.

  • Author
lovestruck234 Established Member

lovestruck234

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Love - Just slowly start detaching yourself from him. Don't rely on him as much, focus on you and your family. The more time you put yourself first, don't think about him when you're not with him, the easier it will be on you when it ends...Sorry to say this, but it is a matter of time before it does. Just when? Who knows.

 

With that being said, I know you do love him, your heart does but I don't think your mind does...Realistically and deep inside you YOU know that he isn't the "one".

 

Whatever is going to happen will happen, don't think either of you can control it, so just go with the flow OR when you realize you've had enough and can function knowing that he won't be a daily part of your life anymore, break up with him for good.

 

HIS LOSS, not yours. He's shown you who he is now - HE isn't the the Rhys you fell inlove with, you two have grown apart. Respect that, feel sad about that, but don't blame yourself...You're gonna be OK my dear, I promise you that!!

 

Lots of hugs and try not to worry about it too much, k!

 

WWIU, answer me honestly....apart from putting up with all this BS, is there anything I have done wrong to make him his way? By that, I mean, him loosing feelings for me....which I know he is, it clearly shows. Can people just DO that? Fall out of love with someone? (Whether he loved me or not, I'll never know) but...I don't think I could ever do that. I think if I broke up with Rhys no matter HOW pissed off I was at him, no matter how hugely he had hurt me....I think deep down I would always love him. No matter what. I had made that promise to him and he had made that promise to me when we were in the midst of this relationship. And I keep promises. Can't say the same for the other party...

 

But...it's just a spin out. That someone who I have shared SO much with, you know? When we had that arguement and we had broken up, I was sitting there thinking..."I have shared and experienced SO much with this person. I had sex with this person. I have done so many things that involved this person..." it is such a waste, is it not? It sure feels like it. It felt like I had just spent months on a huge essay or something, right? And then the computer crashed and I lost all of it...it's gone. You can't get it back...

 

I mean, obviously a little different in my situation, he got me back but it was just such a huge CRASH in my mind...

 

I'm sure I"m the only crazy person in this world who thinks like this, but it's like...thinking about breaking up with him is such a dreaded fear. I fear it so so so so so so so so much....and I shouldn't. Am I THAT weak that I can't go on without him? Yes. Am I that unappealing that I will never find someone else? It's a possibility. But does he feel the same way about this as I do? No. Not in the slightests.

 

And THAT'S what hurts. Like hell.

magichands Established Member

magichands

Posted
Posted
Am I THAT weak that I can't go on without him? Yes.

I agree. If you leave him your life is over. It will be empty and meaningless without him. He is the sun rising in the morning, the beautiful sunset, the moon, and the stars. And he has a cute butt, too.

Am I that unappealing that I will never find someone else? It's a possibility.

Dane wanted to bang you, so I wouldn't rule out the possibility that there might be other crazy f*ckers out there.

 

Anyway, that's not really a good reason to stay in a relationship.

Touche Established Member

Touche

Posted
Posted

Wow, Tess. Are you the only person who ever thought you just couldn't live without someone you knew deep down was wrong for you? NO. You're NOT. I swear it! I wish I could show you my diaries. I've kept diaries from the time I was 12. I stopped around the age of 34. My entries are littered with the kind of things you've said. I swear I wish you could see.

 

You're going through what so many of us have gone through. It's called "coming of age".

 

Yes, you can share EVERYTHING...your heart and your soul and your body..with someone. And it can STILL be all wrong.

 

But what's so great is that you don't only get one try at it. You get to try until you succeed in finding the person who really deserves your heart and soul. Someone who will GIVE IT BACK. Rhys doesn't return those feelings in any way from what I can tell.

 

Believe it or not you WILL feel these feelings again for someone else. Your feelings may even be STRONGER than they are now. More than likely the WILL be. Because when you find the RIGHT guy, your heart will feel like it's bursting out of your chest. It will be like what you have with Rhys, when it's good but a THOUSAND fold. You'll see.

whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

Posted
Posted

I wrote you a long reply, but when I hit submit, LS was doing a quick maitenance! GRRRRRRRR...

 

Shorter verison is, people just grow apart. Part of it is age, part of is growing up and finding yourself. It just happens...

 

A part of you will always love Rhys, but you'll find a different, healthier kind of love with someone else in the future. Hey, you know of two guys, Buddy and Dane who have the hots for you!! And I'm there will be more as time goes on later in life. Trust me on this one!

 

Also, love at 17 isn't the same as it will be in your 20's. This is just part of learning what you like/don't like in someone, you learn about yourself, what to do and what not to do in the next relationship.

norajane Established Member

norajane

Posted
Posted
So you're saying that by me sitting here thinking "oh no, I don't want to hurt them, I'll wait for them to break up with me" that in fact, they're thinking the same thing???

 

Yes, and that you are ultimately responsible for your own happiness. Sometimes that means doing the hard thing even if it's hard, maybe especially when it's hard.

Walk Established Member

Walk

Posted
Posted

Tess. The overwhelming feeling I got from reading your initial post is that Rhy's is scared to death that you're falling out of love with him. That he's the one wth the insecurity issues. I think he's scared as hell that you'll dump him. And instead of communicating this with you, he's throwing up a wall filled with "I don't need you".

 

And I dont' know if he ever truly did love you. I think he's confused dependency with love. He depends on you to bolster him emotionally in unhealthy ways. I think you've fallen into this mind set some too. You seem to have an unhealthy dependency on him as well.

 

Last thought.. he may very well not be as interested in keeping this relationship going anymore. He had it kush before. You were his door mat for him to kick and scream at any time he felt down.. He doesn't have that as much as he did before. And now he's looking at how screwed up he's made the relationship and it's easier to make you feel bad so you'll work harder to make him feel good.

 

I dont' know Tess... Personally I would set his butt down one last time, tell him flat out "This is what I see, this is what I believe and this is what I want. And you either work WITH me to create a strong healthy relationship or we end it right now." Then stick to it. Don't budge an inch. You know what's wrong in the relationship, and you have a pretty good idea of what a relationship should be like. If nothing else, model it after your parents relationship. As much as I believe you should dump his pathetic butt, you don't sound ready to. If you're not going to leave him, then at the very least, fight for what you really want. A healthy, respect filled relationship that's based on communication and trust. (Which has a high probability of NOT being with Rhy's)

 

You're highly intelligent Tess. You know what's going on.

 

I guess, the way I see it.. you're on the homestretch of the race, and unless you want to finish dead last, then you better put everything you've got into finishing this race. If you do, you'll have two options for winning. Either you'll break through the finish line single but with your confidence and self-esteem intact... or both you and Rhy's will break through with a stronger, healthier relationship. But whatever happens... do NOT just sit back and wait for life to dictate where you'll end up... because you won't be happy with the outcome, whether it's with Rhy's or alone. Unless that is, you look forward to years of Rhy's mental and emotional abuse with glee, but I highly doubt that...

  • Author
lovestruck234 Established Member

lovestruck234

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Wow. This is amazing...

 

Last night I decided it was time for a talk with him. Telling him how I feel, what I want, what I'm not getting...etc..

 

This is the first time he has completely opened up to me. And it was so good to finally hear what he has to say...

 

Our basic agreement was that we are going to give it another shot, to both put the hard yards in, to both make the effort, and by God, if that all fails, we are going to remain great friends...

 

Some of the things that were said were that the arguement we had that nearly cost us a break-up is what has caused all of this. That things have been "weird" since then...we both agreed.

 

He also admitted (you will not believe it) that he knows he gets out of control sometimes. He hasn't been brought up to learn how to deal with his anger and has just always watched his father go off, so he knows no different. I tried to rationalise with him by saying that deep down, EVERYONE knows different, no matter what situation you're in, but he disagreed. Well, atleast he admitted it.

 

But he also admitted that he doesn't rust me anymore after the argument we had and the fact that I told my mum and dad about it (well, it WAS about them, but ANYWAY...)...I told him that I don't completely trust him, which is not good because if we dont' have trust, what have we got?? Anyway, he told me he wants to work on it and make things better in that respect. :)

 

Bottom line for him was that he didn't really know what he wanted. How some days/weeks were great, hanging out, having a good time, laughing, great passion and affection, yet other weeks were sh*tty, and filled with tension and resentment. I told him that those weeks that were bad, I would try to get close to him, you know, on a bad day or something, but I would feel so unwanted, like he didn't want anything to do with me.

 

He told me this is true. Some days he needs space to clear his head and figure out where he is at, other days, he wants me there. He said the weeks that are arguing and fighting MAKE him push me away and back off. Which I found to be fair enough.

 

I explained to him that people handle things differently. That when we argue, all I want to do is hug and make up, I hate all the yelling etc, whereas when he's arguing and he's angry, all he wants to do is run away and hide for a while...

 

Some people think we deal with it the right way, some people think we deal with it the wrong way.

 

So anyway, we discusse and talked and rationalised for hours last night, and came to the conculsion that I said above. We're going to try and if it fails, well....it fails.

 

Take it slow, don't think about next week, think about today....that's what I'm going to do...

 

He also admitted to me that one of the reasons he has been holding back from breaking up with me over the past few weeks is he doesn't want to see me get hurt. That he wants to see me happy. I told him I am happiest with him (when things are going well, of course). I also made it clear that if he's just in this because he feels sorry for me, and not because he loves me, and the only thing that's holding him back is seeing me upset, then forget it. I am not going to be with someone who is in it for the sympathy. That's just stupid....

 

He said it's not that....that it's a mixed bag of emotions he's going through.

 

So, yeah...we made a pact that this is a fresh start, to put all those bad things behind us and to take a huge leap forward. So far, it's worked. Lol

Touche Established Member

Touche

Posted
Posted

So far it's worked? You mean since last night?

Art_Critic Established Member

Art_Critic

Posted
Posted

You women are soooo gulliable.. of course he says all the right things.. you are who is having sex with..

 

 

He also admitted to me that one of the reasons he has been holding back from breaking up with me over the past few weeks is he doesn't want to see me get hurt.

:sick:...

 

He is worried his sextoy will dry up... :lmao: gulliable

 

I guess the phrase " You are young..You will learn " fits here

  • Author
lovestruck234 Established Member

lovestruck234

Posted
  • Author
Posted
So far it's worked? You mean since last night?

 

 

Lol, I was only playing around, yes, since last night. I was being sarcastic.

 

I am HOPING it will work out as time rolls on, is probably what I should have wrote.

  • Author
lovestruck234 Established Member

lovestruck234

Posted
  • Author
Posted
You women are soooo gulliable.. of course he says all the right things.. you are who is having sex with..

 

 

 

:sick:...

 

He is worried his sextoy will dry up... :lmao: gulliable

 

I guess the phrase " You are young..You will learn " fits here

 

Why do you make men sound so evil? He MAY just have meant what he said. He may not. He may have meant PARTIALLY what he said. Who knows?

 

Right now, I feel what he said was genuine. I might be wrong, but the things he said to me last night he has never said before...he's never opened up to me like he did last night...that's gotta count for something.

Art_Critic Established Member

Art_Critic

Posted
Posted
he's never opened up to me like he did last night...that's gotta count for something.

 

We open up when they are ready to walk out the door..

 

It counts for nothing..

 

Actions speak louder than words.. pay attention to his actions..

The actions will tell you how genuine his words were..

 

He may be genuine.. just wait and see...

 

I have been tested before by my previous ex like this.. and failed..

She was waiting for me to mess up.. and I did...

I didn't feel her testing me was fair to the realtionship or to me.. but she still did it anyhow

magichands Established Member

magichands

Posted
Posted
Right now, I feel what he said was genuine. I might be wrong, but the things he said to me last night he has never said before...he's never opened up to me like he did last night...that's gotta count for something.

Yes, I think he meant it.

 

But everyone needs to remember that if you do split up, then at least one of you will not survive. So keep working on it...this is not a dead horse.

 

You were meant to be together. :love::bunny:

  • Author
lovestruck234 Established Member

lovestruck234

Posted
  • Author
Posted
We open up when they are ready to walk out the door..

 

It counts for nothing..

 

Actions speak louder than words.. pay attention to his actions..

The actions will tell you how genuine his words were..

 

He may be genuine.. just wait and see...

 

I have been tested before by my previous ex like this.. and failed..

She was waiting for me to mess up.. and I did...

I didn't feel her testing me was fair to the realtionship or to me.. but she still did it anyhow

 

Well, he wouldn't have wanted to give it another shot if he was ready to walk out the door....he would have walked out the door.

 

I believe he is still confused as to what he wants.....

 

 

 

So am I actually........................

Touche Established Member

Touche

Posted
Posted
Well, he wouldn't have wanted to give it another shot if he was ready to walk out the door....he would have walked out the door.

 

I believe he is still confused as to what he wants.....

 

 

 

So am I actually........................

 

Don't worry, it's normal. Just don't have too many expectations and hopefully you won't be let down too much.

 

Oh and ignore Magic. He doesn't know what he's talking about.

  • Author
lovestruck234 Established Member

lovestruck234

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Don't worry, it's normal. Just don't have too many expectations and hopefully you won't be let down too much.

 

I don't know what to think. It's like, I wanna make it work, and I think he does too, but deep down I'm thinking "This is never going to work. We will always be like this..."

 

I'm loosing faith, I guess. And I'm trying not to. Cos I love this guy so much. I don't ever wanna give up what we have!! Ever.

 

At the moment, also, it's like the slightest bit of advice or chunk of reality that gets thrown into my face throws everything otu of proportion. Every time someone says something which I don't want to believe is true, it is...and the doubts start flowing in...

 

And I don't want to shut everyone out either. I need people, like LS for support and to vent every now and then, but on the other hand I'm thinking "Maybe if I just don't listen to anyone and think MY thoughts, it will all be ok.."

 

Either way I'm thinking about this, it's f*cked.

whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

Posted
Posted
And I don't want to shut everyone out either. I need people, like LS for support and to vent every now and then, but on the other hand I'm thinking "Maybe if I just don't listen to anyone and think MY thoughts, it will all be ok.."

 

You know the answers Tess, you know what's what. All you have to do is be abit more objective, take a step back and see what is happening infront of you. Time will help with that, and you learning not to depend on Rhys as much. You putting yourself first and loving yourself will help you as well!

 

You will always love him, but just because you love someone doesn't mean that they're the right person for you. Can't live on love! We all at some point think we can, but we can't. Yeah that sucks, and it hurts but that is life.

whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

Posted
Posted
So, yeah...we made a pact that this is a fresh start, to put all those bad things behind us and to take a huge leap forward. So far, it's worked. Lol

I've said all along, look for his actions. It's nice to hear the words - That he'll treat you better, respect you and not be cruel....So if he slips back and acts mean and says hurtful things to you - LEAVE. Just walk away from him. Doesn't mean that you've dumped him, it means that you are not putting up with that type of treatment. Love him, but love yourself more. Love him, but don't allow him to treat you like crap.

 

Time...Is what will tell here Tess.

 

Stay cool baby!

  • Author
lovestruck234 Established Member

lovestruck234

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Can't live on love! We all at some point think we can, but we can't. Yeah that sucks, and it hurts but that is life.

 

I agree. Sometimes it takes more....

 

But what is that more? What more can you give to a person that your love, care, support, etc? I don't know what that "more" is!!

Touche Established Member

Touche

Posted
Posted
I agree. Sometimes it takes more....

 

But what is that more? What more can you give to a person that your love, care, support, etc? I don't know what that "more" is!!

 

I'll tell you.

 

The more is a compatible personality, compatible temperaments, compatible goals, compatible maturity levels, compatible intelligence levels, compatible values, compatible senses of humor, compatible sexual drive, etc. etc.. I could go ON and ON. And it took me over THIRTY fricking YEARS to learn that because, as I've told you, I have journals and diaries galore saying EXACTLY what you've said above!

 

So, Tess, now do you see what "more" REALLY is?

whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

Posted
Posted
I agree. Sometimes it takes more....

 

But what is that more? What more can you give to a person that your love, care, support, etc? I don't know what that "more" is!!

 

Sometimes people grow apart, sometimes one falls for the wrong type, but if two people aren't growing together anymore, the balance is off and relationshps end - no matter how much one doesn't want it to end, eventually it just does.

 

That more is wanting to compromise, to give, not only take. To put that other person first, to make them a daily part of your life. Again, to grow together and build a life. Becoming unselfish and thinking of the other person's feelings, thoughts and desires above your own.

 

Touche's post is bang on too.

Touche Established Member

Touche

Posted
Posted
Sometimes people grow apart, sometimes one falls for the wrong type, but if two people aren't growing together anymore, the balance is off and relationshps end - no matter how much one doesn't want it to end, eventually it just does.

 

That more is wanting to compromise, to give, not only take. To put that other person first, to make them a daily part of your life. Again, to grow together and build a life. Becoming unselfish and thinking of the other person's feelings, thoughts and desires above your own.

 

Touche's post is bang on too.

 

Thank you WWIU. I thought yours was profound. Especially this part:

 

"To put that other person first, to make them a daily part of your life. Again, to grow together and build a life. Becoming unselfish and thinking of the other person's feelings, thoughts and desires above your own."

 

Read that again, Tess. I have NO doubt that YOU can do your part as far as the above...but can Rhys?

magichands Established Member

magichands

Posted
Posted
Thank you WWIU. I thought yours was profound. Especially this part:

 

"To put that other person first, to make them a daily part of your life. Again, to grow together and build a life. Becoming unselfish and thinking of the other person's feelings, thoughts and desires above your own."

 

Read that again, Tess. I have NO doubt that YOU can do your part as far as the above...but can Rhys?

I take your point, Touche - but be careful you don't turn this into a crusade.

 

For one, it is sometimes unavoidable that we learn our own lessons (the hard way).

 

For two, no two situations are identical - no matter how parallel they appear on paper.

 Share
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...