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I love you so much, but you don't feel the same way, do you?

lovestruck234

By lovestruck234
in General Relationship Discussion

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lovestruck234 Established Member

lovestruck234

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This hurts.

 

I know I swore to have a break from discussing him on LS but I am feeling so depressed at the moment...

 

I dont' even know what to explain to you all here but I know he doesn't love me anymore...

 

The other night we were laying in bed talking and he said something like "Do you not like me as much anymore?" and I asked him why he would ask that. He said because I'm telling him to stop making jokes and everything.

 

Basically he was saying because I'm speaking up.

 

I told him it's not true and he shouldn't even be thinking like that. But on the other hand, I also have doubts. I told him that I worry that his feelings for me are fading also. He didn't even assure me that they weren't...all he said was "Not at the moment they're not fading. There's plenty more fish in the sea, Tess. If we break up, you just gotta move on..."

 

It's as if he WANTS to break up with me! I have been so depressed over the past week or so...

 

I am starting to feel that dependence on him again, and I thought I was becoming stronger...

 

I am worrying day in day out about "what if he breaks up with me today?" RELATIONSHIPS SHOULDN'T BE LIKE THAT!! I shouldn't be worrying.

 

I also have a feeling that he is with me because he feels sorry for me, not because he loves me like he claims he does. I feel as though because he has seen me in arguments where I have broken down, he knows how much he will hurt me if he ends it, so he's hanging on just cos he feels sorry for me. And I don't want that. You should be with someone because you love them, not cos you're feeling sympathetic...

 

It hurts. Knowing that you are so in love with someone, so much that would die for that person, and they couldn't give a sh*t about you OR your family for that matter...

 

We are hanging on by threads here. There are so many factors in this realtionship that would drive any other couple to separation, what are we hanging on for???

 

NOTHING in this relationship is working, NOTHING. He doesn't communicate, he has betrayed my trust on numerous occasions, he has sex with me then tells me to go home, he never holds or cuddles me in public cos "he'll look sissy", he hates my family...what else could be wrong here? Oh and he abuses the hell out of me day in day out yet for pete's sake I am still with the guy and still WANT to be with the guy.

 

I love him. And it's so messed up.

magichands Established Member

magichands

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I love him.

All you need is love. :love:

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lovestruck234 Established Member

lovestruck234

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All you need is love. :love:

 

I used to think that too. But now I'm starting to think that maybe you need MORE than love...that love just isn't enough...

magichands Established Member

magichands

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I used to think that too. But now I'm starting to think that maybe you need MORE than love...that love just isn't enough...

I guess I left out food. Wasn't thinking.

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lovestruck234 Established Member

lovestruck234

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I guess I left out food. Wasn't thinking.

 

:laugh:....:rolleyes: ...MAGIC!! I'm trying to look for advice. Throw some this way if you've got any. (And try not to think with your stomach for a minute...lol)

Touche Established Member

Touche

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I used to think that too. But now I'm starting to think that maybe you need MORE than love...that love just isn't enough...

 

Yes, that's right. And BOY are you lucky to find that out at your age. I was 33 when I realized that. It's a painful lesson to learn when you're that age. I wish I had known that before.

 

You really DO need more than love. I loved my ex husband more than I've ever loved any man before. But he was cold and he was abusive and often domineering and controlling...sound familiar? It was SO hard to leave him. I thought I'd die. But I knew I had too. It didn't matter how much I loved him, I was not being treated right and never felt truly cherished by him. Well, no, I take that back. I always felt cherished after a huge fight or when he thought he was going to lose me. The REST of the time he was cold and abusive.

 

So NO love it not enough. Be glad you learned that now. Now what are you going to do about this?

magichands Established Member

magichands

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I'm trying to look for advice.

Eat your greens?

 

Love is many, many things. I really do believe that all you need is love. I think that if you have love, then you have respect.

Touche Established Member

Touche

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Eat your greens?

 

Love is many, many things. I really do believe that all you need is love. I think that if you have love, then you have respect.

 

You're not helping her MH. Everyone knows that love and respect don't always go hand in hand.

magichands Established Member

magichands

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You're not helping her MH. Everyone knows that love and respect don't always go hand in hand.

That's exactly what true love is. We're misusing the word. Love embodies respect.

Yamaha Established Member

Yamaha

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You just think you can't live without him. Many times we convince ourselves we only want to be with this one person and no one else will do. It takes some courage but I guarantee if you take that step out of the box you will find you will survive and probably wonder why you didn't leave much sooner. The hardest thing to do is to change from comfort to the unknown. Once you decide to want more from a bf you will kick yourself for staying so long.:)

 

Courage...........

Touche Established Member

Touche

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That's exactly what true love is. We're misusing the word. Love embodies respect.

 

I hate to say it but you're SO right. (That's TWO whole people now who have ever told you that you're right!) If love and respect aren't hand in hand then it's not love.

 

Yes, I concede that point.

magichands Established Member

magichands

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(That's TWO whole people now who have ever told you that you're right!)

And there's no record of the first one, now that the thread has been vapourised.

 

Are you really a whole person?

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lovestruck234 Established Member

lovestruck234

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I don't know what I'm going to do about it, Touche. That's why I'm looking for advice from you guys...

 

But it's hopeless, I look for advice, I get the same advice each time yet I don't do anything about it...

 

I was talking to a friend the other day and he was saying you are hearing what everyone is saying, but you're not listening...maybe that's true.

 

I feel like I'm flogging a dead horse here. I don't even know where to turn...

 

I would like to see someone about it, I really would. I think a counsellor would help but if Rhys found out he would think I'm crazy or whatever and end up breaking up with me, guarenteed. I used to have a bad case of depression a year or two ago and he made me promise him that I wouldn't go back to the same ways I was. Unlike him, I kept that promise. I am not allowing myself to sink any lower...even though it feels like I can'e escape it.

 

I feel as though we both have each other trapped. I know he wants to break up with me, all the signs are there, but I think he doesn't want to because like I said, he feels sorry for me. Especially with my mum and that, I think he doesn't want to right now, cos it's a bad time...

 

I don't know, I'm analyzing things over and over here, making excuses for bad behaviour, for certain arguements, for the way I'm feeling, and that's all they are, just excuses...

 

I am trying to excuse myself for the sake of this relationship.

Touche Established Member

Touche

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And there's no record of the first one, now that the thread has been vapourised.

 

Are you really a whole person?

 

No you were told you were right on another thread. Not mine. Anyway, ok so only one and a HALF people have told you you were right. Happy now?

 

As for you, Tess. I wouldn't wait until HE breaks up with you. Do it yourself. You will feel SO empowered. And whether you think he will be breaking up with you or not is not even the issue. You should get away from him because he's bad for you and to you.

 

Why not just tell him you want a break then? Do that at least. And yes, date others. Go out with that other nice guy you spoke of. Do it. You can do it, Tess. You're not as weak as you think you are. I can tell that from other things you've said.

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lovestruck234 Established Member

lovestruck234

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As for you, Tess. I wouldn't wait until HE breaks up with you. Do it yourself. You will feel SO empowered. And whether you think he will be breaking up with you or not is not even the issue. You should get away from him because he's bad for you and to you.

 

Why not just tell him you want a break then? Do that at least. And yes, date others. Go out with that other nice guy you spoke of. Do it. You can do it, Tess. You're not as weak as you think you are. I can tell that from other things you've said.

 

Nup. I know this sounds weird, but I would rather get broken up with than break up with someone. That way, I know it's what they truly want and that by doing it they will be happier.

magichands Established Member

magichands

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Breaking up is hard to do. I would ask myself one question - how long can I go without sex before I explode.

 

Be careful.

Touche Established Member

Touche

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Nup. I know this sounds weird, but I would rather get broken up with than break up with someone. That way, I know it's what they truly want and that by doing it they will be happier.

 

It's not weird but it is a copout. Who cares what makes HIM happier. Do what makes YOU happier. And in the long run that's what WILL make you happier. You just can't see it now.

Touche Established Member

Touche

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Breaking up is hard to do. I would ask myself one question - how long can I go without sex before I explode.

 

Be careful.

 

Wow. Why are you encouraging Tess to stay with this abusive, uncaring little punk?

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lovestruck234 Established Member

lovestruck234

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It's not weird but it is a copout. Who cares what makes HIM happier. Do what makes YOU happier. And in the long run that's what WILL make you happier. You just can't see it now.

 

Hmmmm, I know what you're saying....this is so stupid.

 

I have attempted to talk to him about things all this week, but I never get the right chance. This weekend I want to talk to him about alot of things. Just to get things sorted out for good....or thereabouts...:rolleyes:

magichands Established Member

magichands

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Wow. Why are you encouraging Tess to stay with this abusive, uncaring little punk?

I am neither encouraging nor discouraging. Okay - f*ck the arsehole out of your life, and don't look back. How was that?

the_alchemyst Established Member

the_alchemyst

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But it's hopeless, I look for advice, I get the same advice each time yet I don't do anything about it...

 

I think so too. You've asked for advice in numerous occassions, mainly about the same bad situations you have with Rhys, and even though everyone tells you the same thing, you don't listen.

 

Now, I'm not saying you have to listen, no, but sometimes it seems like you take things into consideration, yet at the first sign of "happiness/stability" with him, you think you were just overreacting, and you throw the suggestions out the window, and this is bad. Bad because you quickly null all the past horrible things he has said and done, naively thinking that he's going to change at the drop of a hat, and seem to turn a blind eye to the cycle you are caught in. And what's worse is that you yourself recognize it, but chose to remain in it, for reasons you know are not worth it.

 

I would like to see someone about it, I really would. I think a counsellor would help but if Rhys found out he would think I'm crazy or whatever and end up breaking up with me, guarenteed.

 

There is absolutely no shame in seeing a therapist, and even if he thought it silly and absurd, he should not mock you for it. In this, you seem to be missing the big picture: He sees that you feel bad and want help, and instead of trying to help you, he shoots you down when you try to find ways to help yourself.

 

Do you not see how wrong that is, Tess? Come on.

 

I am not allowing myself to sink any lower...even though it feels like I can'e escape it.

 

I think you are by staying in this relationship. Look at how sad and worried you constantly are. You said it yourself--relationships should not be this way. Yes, of course there will be some fights and arguments, sure. But this constantly? I don't think so.

 

It seems like you are mostly sad than happy, even in your moments of "happiness" with him. By staying in this relationship, which is definitely hurting your self-esteem, you are not fighting the depression, you are only welcoming it in more deeply.

 

I'm sure you love him, Tess. I'm sure you love him a lot. But bear in mind that what you said is the great truth: Love is not enough, especially when it's so one sided.

nicki Established Member

nicki

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What you are feeling is not love, it is dependency and fear.

 

What he is giving you is not love, it is dysfunction and control.

 

MagicHands is right. Love is respect. Without respect, their is no love.

 

My abusive ex told me that he thought the way he treated me WAS love. Later, after he went through rehab, he realized that it wasn't love at all. He had finally learned what love meant, and it meant RESPECT for the other person.

 

And don't buy his act where he says that breaking up might be good for you. I guarantee if you said, "Okay, let's break up," he would freak out. He is just saying that to scare you and to once again control you by using fear.

 

Don't let him. Call his bluff. Know that you can live without him. Dependency coming from dysfunction is not love. Wanting to be with someone and needing them when it is a HEALTHY relationship is good, however.

 

But, you can't make something healthy out of what you have. It's a completely different animal.

Touche Established Member

Touche

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I am neither encouraging nor discouraging. Okay - f*ck the arsehole out of your life, and don't look back. How was that?

 

Wow, I love this submissive version of yourself!

 

But really, you WERE discouraging her by telling her breaking up is hard to do and reminding her (when you KNOW how into it she is) that she may not be making love for awhile.

 

Wow, Alch. EXCELLENT post! I agree 100%. I'm impressed. You should take heed Tess. Alch is truly wise beyond her years.

norajane Established Member

norajane

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Nup. I know this sounds weird, but I would rather get broken up with than break up with someone. That way, I know it's what they truly want and that by doing it they will be happier.

 

You know, I used to think that way - that I'd prefer they break up with me. And for the same reason - that way, I know it's what they truly want and we've gone as far as we can. It was then "ok" for me to give up where I wouldn't otherwise.

 

Thing is, sometimes "they" also have mixed feelings. So they're not necessarily going to break up, especially if they think it's going to hurt you, or they're just barely enough ok with it to keep going out.

 

Sometimes, you just have to make the decision yourself. It doesn't matter so much what they want; what matters is what you want for yourself.

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lovestruck234 Established Member

lovestruck234

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You know, I used to think that way - that I'd prefer they break up with me. And for the same reason - that way, I know it's what they truly want and we've gone as far as we can. It was then "ok" for me to give up where I wouldn't otherwise.

 

Thing is, sometimes "they" also have mixed feelings. So they're not necessarily going to break up, especially if they think it's going to hurt you, or they're just barely enough ok with it to keep going out.

 

Sometimes, you just have to make the decision yourself. It doesn't matter so much what they want; what matters is what you want for yourself.

 

So you're saying that by me sitting here thinking "oh no, I don't want to hurt them, I'll wait for them to break up with me" that in fact, they're thinking the same thing???

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