Sonitas Posted November 9, 2006 Posted November 9, 2006 A very good friend of mine phoned me at work yesterday to invite me to visit with her while she watched her SO's hockey practice. I ended up declining due to it was a late practice and I knew I would be too pooped from the gym after work. But a little voice also told me that my husband would not like me going. I am telling myself...you are separated now, you can do as you please, there is no harm in this. I spoke to my husband on the phone later that day to let him know that I had scheduled an appointment with the councillor (which he requested) and shared with him that I had spoken to my girlfriend earlier in the day and she invited me to visit with her while she was at the arena. He immediately says "are you going to become a groupie now" "just to let you know, if you go I will be extremely pissed off", along with a few more sarcastic remarks. I don't understand!? I have NEVER given him any reason to think I would be un-faithful in the 16 years we have been together and sitting in bleachers catching up with my friend as far as I can see is harmless. Anybody out there...can you help me understand this type of behavior?
Moose Posted November 9, 2006 Posted November 9, 2006 Why are you seperated? Besides that, you're right.....it's none of his business what you do. It wasn't really much of his business what you did with your friends while you were together either. There's no law saying that since you're married you can't hang out with your friends.....whether your husband likes it or not....
Author Sonitas Posted November 9, 2006 Author Posted November 9, 2006 Why are you seperated? Besides that, you're right.....it's none of his business what you do. It wasn't really much of his business what you did with your friends while you were together either. There's no law saying that since you're married you can't hang out with your friends.....whether your husband likes it or not.... We have been seperated for three weeks now, a mitful of things built up, alchohol on his part played a big role. Myself hiding my displeasure another. I don't want to say it is none of his business, I want to share with him things that I do. How are we suppose to work on our communication otherwise?
lisapizza Posted November 9, 2006 Posted November 9, 2006 I guess to even talk about what's up w/ your h/ I need a little more info,on why you are separated? I have been living w/ jealousy, insecurity etc. for 22yrs and sounds like something my husb would say, so you are definately right to say there's nothing wrong w/ visiting your friend but he also might no trust you to be around all those other men.
Author Sonitas Posted November 9, 2006 Author Posted November 9, 2006 but he also might no trust you to be around all those other men. I don't understand why he would not trust me. Like I said, I have never given him a reason not to trust me, nor am I a flirt.
Moose Posted November 9, 2006 Posted November 9, 2006 There's nothing wrong with sharing what you do with him. What IS wrong, is you feeling guilty going out with your girlfriends..... Your husband sound insecure, and the alcohol is not going to help.....quite the opposite really....
Author Sonitas Posted November 9, 2006 Author Posted November 9, 2006 There's nothing wrong with sharing what you do with him. What IS wrong, is you feeling guilty going out with your girlfriends..... Your husband sound insecure, and the alcohol is not going to help.....quite the opposite really.... Since I asked for a trial separation he has not been drinking. I don't think I feel guilty, I think it is more that I am accustomed to not doing things that I know would bother him. In trying to be a good wife and partner refraining from things that he did not want me doing. Which I know is wrong, because I would never expect him to refrain from doing anything, we only get one shot at this life and we should try to fit in as much as we can. I think I am just coming to realize that the only that can control my life is me. But I still have the desire to make him happy.
PWSX3 Posted November 9, 2006 Posted November 9, 2006 Would he have let you go if you were still together?? If not then yes it is controlling on his part, I used to be that same way but I'm working on it right now and it's hard. Unless he sees it as controlling there is nothing you can do, been there done that......It took my W moving out for me to finally realize it plus some people on here to help me. I used to do the same thing with my wife, she would want to go out with her friends but I wouldn't want her to go. It wasn't that I didn't trust her but more I needed to be in control because of me because I wasn't secure with myself. You are aloud to do what you want, you are in control of only you so hopefully if this is the case and he got pissed at you then he will need to realize it and get help.
Author Sonitas Posted November 9, 2006 Author Posted November 9, 2006 Would he have let you go if you were still together?? If not then yes it is controlling on his part, I used to be that same way but I'm working on it right now and it's hard. Unless he sees it as controlling there is nothing you can do, been there done that......It took my W moving out for me to finally realize it plus some people on here to help me. I used to do the same thing with my wife, she would want to go out with her friends but I wouldn't want her to go. It wasn't that I didn't trust her but more I needed to be in control because of me because I wasn't secure with myself. You are aloud to do what you want, you are in control of only you so hopefully if this is the case and he got pissed at you then he will need to realize it and get help. I don't think he sees it as controlling, because I have even brought that up in the past about feeling "confined", he says I can do whatever I want. But yet his remarks make me feel otherwise. If we were still living together, I am sure he would still react & feel the same way.
PWSX3 Posted November 9, 2006 Posted November 9, 2006 I don't think he sees it as controlling, because I have even brought that up in the past about feeling "confined", he says I can do whatever I want. But yet his remarks make me feel otherwise. If we were still living together, I am sure he would still react & feel the same way. I never saw it as controlling either.....Sure you want to say you can do anything you want but then when you do he gets mad, pouts, doesn't talk to you for a day and you wonder why? Because he is not in control and his fear is what motovates how he acts. I just thought I was looking out for my W's best interests even though it was her friends. Trust me if you are controlling you don't see it at all. Until you get hit over the head with a 2X4 or stuck with a fork (have to read my thread) he might not ever see it unless he goes to counsoling and even then I didn't get it the first time around with counsoling. I have been separated for two months and I still don't have it all figured out but I'm a lot better off now then I was, but that is because I finally understood some of the things I was doing and I catch myself now instead of just doing things like telling people what to do. Counsoling would be a good thing for him
Author Sonitas Posted November 9, 2006 Author Posted November 9, 2006 I Counsoling would be a good thing for him We went to counceling a few years back and he came out of the first session feeling that was the best thing he could have done. Perhaps we should have continued going. I don't know what to say when circumstances such as this arise, I don't want to argue, but I tend to withdraw and say nothing. How do I express myself without making him feel threatned or defensive?
Moose Posted November 9, 2006 Posted November 9, 2006 He'll feel threated or defensive no matter how you approach this. There's really no way around that. My take is this. If you're seperated, (due to the alcohol problem), and he's stopped that, (IF he indeed stop), then you need to make it clear to him now, (while you're still apart), that the controlling and non-trust will need to stop as well before you'll agree to come back. You, on the other hand, also need to harden yourself a bit. I take you as a people pleaser, and that's not going to work. You'll have to be a little selfish from time to time or you'll drive yourself crazy...
Author Sonitas Posted November 9, 2006 Author Posted November 9, 2006 He'll feel threated or defensive no matter how you approach this. There's really no way around that. My take is this. If you're seperated, (due to the alcohol problem), and he's stopped that, (IF he indeed stop), then you need to make it clear to him now, (while you're still apart), that the controlling and non-trust will need to stop as well before you'll agree to come back. You, on the other hand, also need to harden yourself a bit. I take you as a people pleaser, and that's not going to work. You'll have to be a little selfish from time to time or you'll drive yourself crazy... I am selfish from time to time, but yet that time is usually spent on my own, either at the gym or out riding my horses, he does not mind it when I am on my own, but seem to bother him when I am with my friends? He thinks that my friends are going to try and "set me up" with someone. My lord man, give your head a shake! That is the last thing on my mind! The thought of "hardening" myself, I don't like the sound of that. I know I need to learn how to communicate my anger better. Why can I not enjoy pleasing people and make my marriage work. Isn't that what marriage is all about, being each others allies?
Moose Posted November 9, 2006 Posted November 9, 2006 By, "people pleaser", I mean that you find it hard to deal with yourself when you disappoint others. Not just you husband. Yes, marriage is about being a helpmate one to another, however, it's also about trust and understanding. How would he feel if you got angry at him when he wants to go our with his friends?
Author Sonitas Posted November 9, 2006 Author Posted November 9, 2006 By, "people pleaser", I mean that you find it hard to deal with yourself when you disappoint others. Not just you husband. Yes, marriage is about being a helpmate one to another, however, it's also about trust and understanding. How would he feel if you got angry at him when he wants to go our with his friends? I know you mean well, I am just frustrated. He wouldn't have married me if I was that type....I have never had a problem with him doing anything. He goes on long hunting trips every year and I usually looked forward to the time alone with the kids. I have always encouraged him to do things with his friends or on his own.
Author Sonitas Posted November 10, 2006 Author Posted November 10, 2006 So I had a chance to talk to my husband last night and I expressed on how his comment had upset me a little. He said he trust me completely, it is everyone else he does not trust. He says I am not a man, and I don't understand how they think or what goes on behind "closed doors". He looks at it as if I am sitting in the stands with my girlfriend and others (meaning men) see me, and then start talking, asking about me, then it excalates from there...WTF!!!! I am the last person someone would even notice! Are we 15 here?? I still don't get it, he says it is a jealous thing, I think it is a mental thing!
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