Exclusivity bullshyt

[alphamale]

You can hang with someone for months and never open up emotionally. I've done it. Once I was in a relationship for an entire year and never opened myself up emotionally. We never did have that exclusivity talk. The whole relationship was infantile at best.

I had a six month "relationship" last winter where we never had the "talk" and I never stated anything about love or being with her long-term. On Feb 14 (valentines day) I went over to her crib and gave her a box of chocolates and a card. That was the last time I saw her. I just split because I was bored and whatever we had had run its course.

[dgiirl]

I had a six month "relationship" last winter where we never had the "talk" and I never stated anything about love or being with her long-term. On Feb 14 (valentines day) I went over to her crib and gave her a box of chocolates and a card. That was the last time I saw her. I just split because I was bored and whatever we had had run its course.

 

ouch... you should meet my exh

[DanielMadr]

Ok, so then when she does something you do not like, are you going to talk to her and tell her? Or are you just going to dump her because she should be able to read your mind?

 

Unless you talk to her about her beliefs then you dont know what they are. Same for her to you. You can keep walk around in the dark or have the courage to ask her where you guys stand.

 

The only reason I can think of someone NOT asking would be because they dont want to feel vulnerable and risk the chance of being rejected. If you cannot risk being vulnerable with someone, you should not be in a commited relationship. Because there will be other situations where you'll need to open up in order to save a relationship. It starts with the exclusivity talk. Then it leads to questions about sexual interests and fantasies. Talk about family and kids and money and debts and everything. And in order to have a successful _marriage_ (which is usually the eventual goal for committed relationships), you need to be able to talk about your feelings. If you dont believe me, read up on the "Walk-away wife syndrome". Althought it happens to both male and females, it will show you a glimpse of what could be in your future if you are not willing to communicate and just assume.

 

When she does something I dont like I will tell her of course. But I wont do some kind of pre-emptive 'dont-do' list for her. Im not her judge. Sleeping around is different from coming home too late and drunk, it is END OF STORY. She need not to read my mind to know it.

 

I dont know about walking in the dark.....I know when she has feelings for me. If Im not sure where we stand....thats because we stand next to an abyss in most cases.

 

I dont think it is about fear of rejection, at least in my case. When you take someone home, you dont tell him 'We should talk, babe. I have 10000 USD in top drawer and I would be glad if you dont steal it, because I like you.' I think opposite..Asking for vow of exclusivity is sign of insecurity.

 

I dont know where you take your information but it seems to me like Manual on Dating from some psychologist....step one Talk about exclusivity, step two Talk about sexual interests.....Very safe, very sterile.

 

Look I dont say I demand Mind reading like those wives do and never did. I believe there are certain things you dont have to talk about loud and asking your lover not to sleep around is one of them. I know some and especially girls are insecure in questions of partners loyalty and need some kind of reassurance.....but even in this case I think it do more damage than good. It is better to hug him rest your head on his chest and if you have to talk, tell him you love him.

[DanielMadr]

apparently, you DO have to ask for loyalty ; or else it would be no issue and you would not have posted this thread .Don't expect loyalty from some girl you have the ability to "send home to Mommy" , and don't expect others to mind read.

 

Interesting logic. But you are wrong, sorry.

[Adunaphel]

I know that most of girls and most of guys keep their options open. I agree with that but I assume when we sleep with each other and it is not only a ONS we already are exclusive until break up.

 

I guess that here in Europe it is just more common to make such assumptions.

But considered the number of people who "play" with such assumptions, and since there are people who will pull the "I did not know we were together line" when it best suits them, I guess it is always better to have "the talk".

[DanielMadr]

I had a six month "relationship" last winter where we never had the "talk" and I never stated anything about love or being with her long-term. On Feb 14 (valentines day) I went over to her crib and gave her a box of chocolates and a card. That was the last time I saw her. I just split because I was bored and whatever we had had run its course.

 

Went slack?

 

Or she was alergic to pathetic Valentines gestures. Nobody's that tough, I hope.

[dgiirl]

Was this post just a rant? Or was there a valid request for help to understanding why one should have an exclusivity talk?

[DanielMadr]

Was this post just a rant? Or was there a valid request for help to understanding why one should have an exclusivity talk?

 

About 'exclusivity talk' Ive heard only on internet forums. I thought it was weird and I still do. YOU had some good points but nothing to change my mind.

[a4a]

About 'exclusivity talk' Ive heard only on internet forums. I thought it was weird and I still do. YOU had some good points but nothing to change my mind.

 

I don't think it is weird at all.

 

I have dated several people at the same time, not slept with all of them. But it is dating.... not pre engaged, not marriage on the horizon, not a desire to move in with them. Enjoy and have fun.... and on the rare occassion may sleep with one of them after a period of time. That does not mean I am willing to shut all others out of my life as romantic interests. Unless one of them says " hey I think we should take this to the next level, and I would like us to be exclusive" I can then say yes or no ........or they can.

 

Not every person in the world wants a serious relationship. Having the talk is a good way to find out where it is going or not going to ever go.

[DanielMadr]

I don't think it is weird at all.

 

I have dated several people at the same time, not slept with all of them. But it is dating.... not pre engaged, not marriage on the horizon, not a desire to move in with them. Enjoy and have fun.... and on the rare occassion may sleep with one of them after a period of time. That does not mean I am willing to shut all others out of my life as romantic interests. Unless one of them says " hey I think we should take this to the next level, and I would like us to be exclusive" I can then say yes or no ........or they can.

 

Not every person in the world wants a serious relationship. Having the talk is a good way to find out where it is going or not going to ever go.

 

I agree with you. Before and sometimes even after sex it is open game. It just never occured to me that there is a need to say these things aloud. It just developed naturally....like sex. No need to take a vow or discuss it in length.

[dgiirl]

I agree with you. Before and sometimes even after sex it is open game. It just never occured to me that there is a need to say these things aloud. It just developed naturally....like sex. No need to take a vow or discuss it in length.

 

well, if you admit that _sometimes_ it's open game after sex, then how do you know which is which? How does the other person know which is which? This is the only reason there's a need for the talk. Cos people dont always know which is which.

 

You can simply NOT have the talk, be exclusive on your side, but dont be upset when you find out if/when the other side isnt. And the words you use in this thread to discuss about exclusivity is lame. It's not about asking your gf "Please honey dont sleep with other people". If that's what you say, i agree with you that you shouldnt have the talk. It's more about saying "Hey I really like you and I'm wondering if you see any future between the two of us... I'm only interested in dating you". She should return the same words. If not, then you both are on different wavelengths and it's better to know this sooner than later.

[DanielMadr]

well, if you admit that _sometimes_ it's open game after sex, then how do you know which is which? How does the other person know which is which? This is the only reason there's a need for the talk. Cos people dont always know which is which.

 

You can simply NOT have the talk, be exclusive on your side, but dont be upset when you find out if/when the other side isnt. And the words you use in this thread to discuss about exclusivity is lame. It's not about asking your gf "Please honey dont sleep with other people". If that's what you say, i agree with you that you shouldnt have the talk. It's more about saying "Hey I really like you and I'm wondering if you see any future between the two of us... I'm only interested in dating you". She should return the same words. If not, then you both are on different wavelengths and it's better to know this sooner than later.

 

We are talking about transition from LOVER to BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND. I understand there has to be some point where it happens. This forum gave me the impression that you have to ask for exclusivity. I think when you are seeing someone regularly and you share more then body fluids, it is absolutely no brainer that you are boyfriend/girlfriend aka exclusive.

 

You used other words (Hey I really like you.....) but meaning/feeling is the same (Please honey dont sleep with other people). Dont you think?

[nicki]

I'm with Daniel on this one, too. We don't owe anyone an explanation for SOME things.

 

People should come into the relationship loyal, respectful, truthful, etc....If they show they aren't, then bye bye. It is a lot less trouble in the long run.

 

I used to sit my prospective boyfriends down and basically give them a list of behaviors I wanted. No staring at other women, tell the truth...on and on. Looking back, I was being ridiculous.

 

These guys either already had great character, or didn't. There was no amount of talking that would suddenly inject them with the character I desired.

 

So, I watch and wait now. If a guy does something disrespectful, he's out. I don't owe him an explanation.

 

Now, if he leaves the toilet seat up or does something else small I don't like, I'd tell him. Personal preferences are a different deal. They are completely negotiable items.

 

Big things like trust, loyalty, respect should be a GIVEN. And there's no explaining that to someone who isn't already that way.

 

As far as the exclusivity talk goes, I simply tell a guy fairly early on in the dating process that I only sleep with a guy once he is my boyfriend and we have decided to only see each other....so, there really isn't a talk so to speak. I figure that once we start becoming physically intimate, he agrees to the fact we are exclusive.

 

I probably shouldn't assume that, but I'm older now. Most every guy I've dated assumes we are exclusive from the third date or so.

 

When I was younger, it was a different story....There was a whole lot of sex and then wondering if the guy thought we were exclusive (like I did.)

[dgiirl]

You used other words (Hey I really like you.....) but meaning/feeling is the same (Please honey dont sleep with other people). Dont you think?

 

not at all... it's about defining the relationship. There are way too many people out there that WILL sleep with multiple people at a time with no remorse. And you cannot prevent these people from doing so. So you either get it out in the open and talk about it, or live with the consequences if they dont end up sharing your beliefs. For me, I'd rather talk about it first than sleep with them and find out later they dont share my beliefs. But it's a personal choice.

[dgiirl]

As far as the exclusivity talk goes, I simply tell a guy fairly early on in the dating process that I only sleep with a guy once he is my boyfriend and we have decided to only see each other....so, there really isn't a talk so to speak. I figure that once we start becoming physically intimate, he agrees to the fact we are exclusive.

 

Ah ha! You are still laying out your expectations! You can word it however you want, but you are still putting yourself out there and telling him what you expect from a relationship. Without this, you're just shooting in the dark.

[nicki]

Yes, I guess that is kind of a talk! I always think of it as me sharing my perspective, not a big talk.

 

Like you, I do think it's important to make sure that a guy and I share the same beliefs.

 

I just don't like having a big discussion about it. I kind of assume that if he continues to be with me after he knows my mind, that he agrees with it....

[Guest]

first off, here's a li'l background info on me: never dated much, never had an official g/f, developed crushes/infatuations here and there that have never panned out.

 

so now I'm dating this girl. technically the first girl I've ever "officially" dated. I'm 22. woo, hah. anyway, before I asked her out--we'd been hanging out a lot. especially at my place.. studying.. working on projects.. whatever. I finally mustered up the courage to ask her out.. and she said yeah.

 

few days later.. she spends the night at my place working on a project. we end up cuddling, making out, etc. she spends that night, the next day and the next two night at my place. the first night in between cuddling/making out.. we laid there and talked about our "status". she told me she liked me. she told me she could see this going somewhere. before, I guess we were "talking". so I said that we could date exclusively. why did I say "exclusively"? I don't know. perhaps it was out of insecurity? perhaps it was b/c I had heard it expressed before in the dating community? like I said, dating is definitely new ground for me. anyway, that was that.

 

the night after.. she's at my place cuddling, etc. and she tells me we need to talk. she basically tells me that the whole "exclusive" thing freaked her out a bit. but then she contradicts herself by telling me that she's the type of girl who "needs a boyfriend". anyway, this is mildly upsetting but I'm still enjoying her company so that's that.

 

the other night, she comes over after not seeing me for a day.. tells me that a guy had asked her out.. and that she's going to go on that date.

 

so I guess.. I'm finally confused.. a bit upset.. I like the girl and I could def see something coming out of our relationship. but.. how should I react to that news? sure.. it's something that we agreed upon. I know that I wouldn't go out and find someone else to date. I know that it'd probably upset her if I did that. do I play a game? (I friggin' hate playing games) or do I just sit there like a fool and wait? do I step up my game? (that sounds so lame) do I still take the time to talk to her every day? to see her?

 

at this point.. we're def physical.. we kiss when we see each other/part ways. what if they kiss on their date? I guess I truly don't know how to react. any advice would be swell. I still think the girl is amazing. don't get me wrong. I just.. the more I think about it.. the more it unnerves me. :/

[DanielMadr]

first off, here's a li'l background info on me: never dated much, never had an official g/f, developed crushes/infatuations here and there that have never panned out.

 

so now I'm dating this girl. technically the first girl I've ever "officially" dated. I'm 22. woo, hah. anyway, before I asked her out--we'd been hanging out a lot. especially at my place.. studying.. working on projects.. whatever. I finally mustered up the courage to ask her out.. and she said yeah.

 

few days later.. she spends the night at my place working on a project. we end up cuddling, making out, etc. she spends that night, the next day and the next two night at my place. the first night in between cuddling/making out.. we laid there and talked about our "status". she told me she liked me. she told me she could see this going somewhere. before, I guess we were "talking". so I said that we could date exclusively. why did I say "exclusively"? I don't know. perhaps it was out of insecurity? perhaps it was b/c I had heard it expressed before in the dating community? like I said, dating is definitely new ground for me. anyway, that was that.

 

the night after.. she's at my place cuddling, etc. and she tells me we need to talk. she basically tells me that the whole "exclusive" thing freaked her out a bit. but then she contradicts herself by telling me that she's the type of girl who "needs a boyfriend". anyway, this is mildly upsetting but I'm still enjoying her company so that's that.

 

the other night, she comes over after not seeing me for a day.. tells me that a guy had asked her out.. and that she's going to go on that date.

 

so I guess.. I'm finally confused.. a bit upset.. I like the girl and I could def see something coming out of our relationship. but.. how should I react to that news? sure.. it's something that we agreed upon. I know that I wouldn't go out and find someone else to date. I know that it'd probably upset her if I did that. do I play a game? (I friggin' hate playing games) or do I just sit there like a fool and wait? do I step up my game? (that sounds so lame) do I still take the time to talk to her every day? to see her?

 

at this point.. we're def physical.. we kiss when we see each other/part ways. what if they kiss on their date? I guess I truly don't know how to react. any advice would be swell. I still think the girl is amazing. don't get me wrong. I just.. the more I think about it.. the more it unnerves me. :/

 

Sad. You freaked her out. If there is a need for some talk...exclusivity, I love you etc...girls should initiate it....its their bussiness to take relationships further.

 

1. She told you about dating other guy, because doesnt want you to get attached to her and her to you. FREEDOM.

 

2. It could be major shyt test....it was very disrespectful...it hurt you very badly and she has to know that. Can you imagine telling this to your girl which asked you for "exclusivity" yesterday? NO.

 

What can you do now?

 

Dont get jealous. Play it cool. Tell her she is an adult - she can do whatever she wants....but without your assistance....tell her she lost your respect for her. If she doesnt apollogize, pack your things and leave. I mean it and you should too. Her interest level in you is just not high enough....get over it and find another girl.

[mental_traveller]

first off, here's a li'l background info on me: never dated much, never had an official g/f, developed crushes/infatuations here and there that have never panned out.

 

so now I'm dating this girl. technically the first girl I've ever "officially" dated. I'm 22. woo, hah. anyway, before I asked her out--we'd been hanging out a lot. especially at my place.. studying.. working on projects.. whatever. I finally mustered up the courage to ask her out.. and she said yeah.

 

few days later.. she spends the night at my place working on a project. we end up cuddling, making out, etc. she spends that night, the next day and the next two night at my place. the first night in between cuddling/making out.. we laid there and talked about our "status". she told me she liked me. she told me she could see this going somewhere. before, I guess we were "talking". so I said that we could date exclusively. why did I say "exclusively"? I don't know. perhaps it was out of insecurity? perhaps it was b/c I had heard it expressed before in the dating community? like I said, dating is definitely new ground for me. anyway, that was that.

 

the night after.. she's at my place cuddling, etc. and she tells me we need to talk. she basically tells me that the whole "exclusive" thing freaked her out a bit. but then she contradicts herself by telling me that she's the type of girl who "needs a boyfriend". anyway, this is mildly upsetting but I'm still enjoying her company so that's that.

 

the other night, she comes over after not seeing me for a day.. tells me that a guy had asked her out.. and that she's going to go on that date.

 

so I guess.. I'm finally confused.. a bit upset.. I like the girl and I could def see something coming out of our relationship. but.. how should I react to that news? sure.. it's something that we agreed upon. I know that I wouldn't go out and find someone else to date. I know that it'd probably upset her if I did that. do I play a game? (I friggin' hate playing games) or do I just sit there like a fool and wait? do I step up my game? (that sounds so lame) do I still take the time to talk to her every day? to see her?

 

at this point.. we're def physical.. we kiss when we see each other/part ways. what if they kiss on their date? I guess I truly don't know how to react. any advice would be swell. I still think the girl is amazing. don't get me wrong. I just.. the more I think about it.. the more it unnerves me. :/

 

 

Translation - she's just not that into you. When a girl really likes a guy, she generally wants to be exclusive, rather than date around.

[SoleMate]

I assume when we sleep with each other and it is not only a ONS we already are exclusive until break up...It seems to me like some lame excuse for cheating....I would assume when I have feelings for someone I want to be "exclusive" with her from the beginning....

You can assume all you want, but if she doesn't agree, you'll end up hurt. Better to discuss your rules rather than just "assume" she has the same ones as you.

 

Is it scary to ask for exclusivity?

[burning 4 revenge]

Translation - she's just not that into you. When a girl really likes a guy, she generally wants to be exclusive, rather than date around.

yeah kid, just knock it off between you guys with the kissing and cuddling, shes only going to hurt you