NoIDidn't Posted November 14, 2006 Posted November 14, 2006 Maybe I should stop posting to you as you seem a tad bit touchy today. You post about talking to her recently as SHE wasn't talking to you gave the impression that SHE was the one who brought up the conversation. Its good that you brought it up. Its also bad as you will feel like you are the only one caring. And I doubt that very seriously. I never said you wanted to continue what you WERE doing. I said, don't throw money at the problem. She wants to feel appreciated by YOU. YOU can't appreciate her in the midst of an A. Kids never say thank you for all that we mothers do. Imagine having a H that ignores you (and your obvious WOMANHOOD too). That's all I'm saying. Take a look at a couple of good relationship books. His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley comes to mind. You guys have very young kids, like I do but add one between the two you have and you will have my sitch. My H had an EA. We are reconciling and are closer now than we have been in two years. Your M is more than fixable. You just need to refocus on it. You both need to.
frannie Posted November 14, 2006 Posted November 14, 2006 I questioned whether our marriage would survive. When our daughter was around 3, things had improved considerably. Then we had our son. This time, there was no anger, but my wife became so consumed by motherhood that there was no time for anything else. I worked during the week, and spent my weekends on our home remodel. We only talked about day-to-day business and had little or no time together without the kids. Projects and tasks we once shared became the sole responsibility of one or the other of us. Where we had communicated very little before, now we didn't at all. It got to the point where even if I tried to talk to her about something, as soon as one of the kids did or said anything, she would become distracted and cut me off. I stopped trying. So did she. Feeling lonely and unhappy, I started meeting women online. We would chat or exchange emails, and I appreciated having a feminine perspective on my situation. I made a couple of friends this way. Then I met the OW, and the affair began. What do I really want, you asked? It doesn't matter, because I can't have it. I have responsibilities to live up to and a wife who deserves better than the way I've treated her. I know I've been selfish and have looked only to my own needs, ignoring hers. I hope I can rectify that. This sounds very similar to what my MM described about his relationship with his wife, and I think you're right: it's not at all uncommon. When he and I first met, I encouraged him to work on his M, just as you are about to try... we broke things off for that very reason (just as you have done). What happened in my MM's case was that despite his attempts, she was still unreceptive, uninterested in anything beyond day-to-day conversation about the children... and nothing ever got any better. Eventually we began seeing each other again, and it has continued from there. I think it is very difficult for one partner alone to re-kindle a relationship that has drifted so far. Really it takes two people who really care about each other and want to work on the relationship for it to have any hope of change. Best of luck to you and I hope things work out.
Different Guest Posted November 15, 2006 Posted November 15, 2006 For what it's worth Guest, I think you did the right thing. Yes, you were selfish and still I think you're being selfish, but you seem to be working on that and that's a good thing. You have to look at this from a different perspective, you're a father now, and that means you have to sacrifice a bit. It's no longer all about you, but about growing up and accepting responsibility. Trust me, kids are little for a short time, yours are 5 and 2 years old, and VERY needy. This too shall pass, one day you'll look back with sadness that it went by so quickly, I guarantee it. There's a lot of satisfaction in knowing that you did the right thing and raised your children well. Yes your wife is focused on the kids, she's a mother and right now, in this stage, I'm sorry, but they come first. Rather than vying for their attention, wouldn't it make more sense to get involved, I mean really involved in helping her with YOUR kids? Spend the time you spent during those 3 months meeting the OW with your family. Sign up for an activity with your kids, or hire a sitter for you two to have date night, not for her to have time for herself. Seriously, do that. Make one night a week date night and get a regular sitter, then she can't be distracted and you can remember why you married her in the first place. It's a lot cheaper than a divorce. As to the heady euphoria you felt with OW, are you telling me you never felt that with your wife? Of course you did, why else would you have married her? Are you willing to destroy a family just to get back a fleeting feeling? Trust me, it's fleeting, do you really think that if you married OW and the drudgery of day to day life with bills, kids, trash to be thrown out, you know, all those things we call REAL LIFE, that you too would still be all atingle at the sound of each others voices? Think hard, then you'll realize that there's a lot of truth in my words. Then add to that that your children wouldn't be living with you, you'd have visitation, maybe shared custody, does the OW have children? How would you feel about having them in your home everyday and sharing the attention with them? If OW is any kind of a good mom, she's not going to put you first, she will put her kids first. Adventures in Stepparenting will probably be exciting, or maybe she doesn't have kids but will want them with you, then you'll once again be temporarily be put on the backburner while she gives the children the attention they deserve and need. Meeting someone for secret romance is very exciting and very unreal. Snap out of it before you make a mistake you may regret for the rest of your life.
MixedUpGuy Posted November 15, 2006 Posted November 15, 2006 Love is a strange thing. It can unravel what you once thought were noble convictions and reveal them as nothing more than what you are afraid of now - LIES and DECEPTION. I think, being true to your heart is the most important thing anyone can do. What that may be is entirely up to you. I think people make wrong choices in our lives when they don't listen to their hearts; too often people get rapped up in the logic, the convenience, the pressure, the momentum of their present circumstances. Sometimes a wrong decision is the best you can do to correct a lifelong wrong decision. DON'T BE AFRAID TO BE HONEST. It will hurt, but may be the only way to heal.
NoIDidn't Posted November 16, 2006 Posted November 16, 2006 Love is a strange thing. It can unravel what you once thought were noble convictions and reveal them as nothing more than what you are afraid of now - LIES and DECEPTION. I think, being true to your heart is the most important thing anyone can do. What that may be is entirely up to you. I think people make wrong choices in our lives when they don't listen to their hearts; too often people get rapped up in the logic, the convenience, the pressure, the momentum of their present circumstances. Sometimes a wrong decision is the best you can do to correct a lifelong wrong decision. DON'T BE AFRAID TO BE HONEST. It will hurt, but may be the only way to heal. What are you talking about? Care to clear this up?
bedofroses Posted November 16, 2006 Posted November 16, 2006 holly sh*t poeple are so F* cking selfish, no support here for your g*d damd actions
Chapter2 Posted November 16, 2006 Posted November 16, 2006 Take it easy potty mouth! holly sh*t poeple are so F* cking selfish, no support here for your g*d damd actions
Guest Posted November 17, 2006 Posted November 17, 2006 holly sh*t poeple are so F* cking selfish, no support here for your g*d damd actions You are entitled to your opinion, but clearly this is not advice, nor is it particularly helpful in any way.
peacelove Posted November 17, 2006 Posted November 17, 2006 holly sh*t poeple are so F* cking selfish, no support here for your g*d damd actions What? :confused:
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