I can't believe I'm here

[Touche]

I don't know. I mean, I don't want to play games with him. I would hate the thought of him thinking I was heading to a bar or something to pick up some strange.

 

Let him think what he wants to think. Look, HE'S the one who made the decision to leave now. You have to show strength. If you have any chance of getting him back you should heed the advice given here.

 

And stop blushing Pix..what can I say? You've been on a roll!

[Heartsonfire]

You right. You're absolutely right. I have to show strength.

 

But I'm still in this mentality of even though he left, I still want to take care of him.

 

And I will heed your and Pixie's advice.

[Heartsonfire]

Just another quick thought. Since I'm going to be gone overnight, should I let him see my overnight bag?

[Touche]

You right. You're absolutely right. I have to show strength.

 

But I'm still in this mentality of even though he left, I still want to take care of him.

 

And I will heed your and Pixie's advice.

 

Good girl! I told you I think you'll get him back (and I almost never say that in similar cases.) I just have a feeling in your case. None of his actions indicate that this man doesn't love you. I don't count recent events. You can't wipe away so quickly the history you both have betweeen you.

 

But you will have to keep your wits about you if you have any chance of getting him back.

[Scott S]

I don't know. I mean, I don't want to play games with him. I would hate the thought of him thinking I was heading to a bar or something to pick up some strange.

 

 

Those kind of games are risky. They can easily backfire on you.

 

If he thinks you're doing such things, in his mind it may justify the actions he has already taken, as well as whatever he escalates it into.

 

I believe better to simply convey the impression that you will be OK, & that the door remains open when he decides to return.

[Touche]

How is it a game? She's dressed and looks nice and she's packed for an overnight stay at her friends. He can ask her about the bag and she can tell him the truth. We're not telling her she should lie to try to make him jealous or anything. She's just doing her normal thing. And he will see that. He will see that she's not pining and begging. He'll see that she's strong. That's a good thing.

[Scott S]

How is it a game?

 

I was referencing this:

Okay, here is the tricky part. Give him the card, but DO NOT let him know what you're going to do. Dress up and look smoking hot when he comes to pick up the boys. Don't let him know what you're doing, just that you have "plans". If he calls, DO NOT answer your phone. If it's an emergency he'll leave a message and you can call him later.

 

Let him wonder what you're up to! He's still on the fence here, no matter what he's up to, so this may shock him into action.

 

Do not come clean about where you were if he gets upset. Later on if he comes back home and works on the marriage you can fill him in.

 

Mz. Pixie's suggested course of action appears to be for Heartsonfire to convey an impression that she is going out clubbing, to a Chippendales show, or some such with mostly single friends, ostensibly to inspire jealous or possessive feelings in her husband. The term is "mind game," I believe. She will correct me or clarify if I am mistaken, I trust?

 

When I say it could backfire, I mean that it may give him the impression that this has been going on for some time, justifying in his mind his actions to date (i.e. Mz. Pixie's suspicions that he has been involved in extramarital activity) & any actions he subsequently takes.

 

_______________________________________

The future ain't what it used to be. - Yogi Berra

[Heartsonfire]

OK, now I'm really confussed.

[Touche]

Sorry but I agree with everything Pix said except for the part about "not coming clean" if he asksk. THEN it would be a game. Otherwise not at all.

 

You sure jump to a lot of conclusions there about what H will think! How would she be conveying all of that (Chippendale's etc.) by just looking nice like she's going out? Which she is..to her g/f's house.

 

Sorry, Scott. We'll have to disagree on this one. You give good adivce but I think only a woman can really advise another on how to get a man back!

[Scott S]

You sure jump to a lot of conclusions there about what H will think! How would she be conveying all of that (Chippendale's etc.) by just looking nice like she's going out? Which she is..to her g/f's house.

 

Sorry, Scott. We'll have to disagree on this one. You give good adivce but I think only a woman can really advise another on how to get a man back!

 

I wouldn't say I've jumped to conclusions, but rather merely theorized.

 

What I meant was what her husband could think. A lack of knowledge can cause an imagination to run wild. On the other hand, he may be completely indifferent. Having neither met the man nor talked to him, I can only speculate.

 

Your second point is certainly valid. I mean only to offer some possible male insights, as only a man can really do. I hope it's helpful!

[Touche]

Thanks, but I think my FIRST point was valid as well. An imagination gone wild, in this case can be a GOOD thing! Let him wonder. Let him think about what it would be like if she really moved on without him. It might quicken the pace on this reconciliation between them.

[Scott S]

Thanks, but I think my FIRST point was valid as well. An imagination gone wild, in this case can be a GOOD thing! Let him wonder.

 

It is indeed. You have made a number of good points.

 

Let him think about what it would be like if she really moved on without him. It might quicken the pace on this reconciliation between them.

 

I hope that is the case, of course. My concern is that it could also accelerate the situation in the other direction.

 

__________________________________________________

How do you know if sour cream has gone bad? Would it taste sweet?

[Touche]

It is indeed. You have made a number of good points.

 

 

 

I hope that is the case, of course. My concern is that it could also accelerate the situation in the other direction.

 

__________________________________________________

How do you know if sour cream has gone bad? Would it taste sweet?

 

I see what you're saying but look, he's already moved out of the house. I don't think it could get too much worse than that. Anyway, she can't force him to think in that direction. He'll think what he is going to think. Is she supposed to never be dressed nice or go out for fear of what he may think? See what I'm getting at? Is the only acceptable course of action for her to let him see her miserable and with tear-stained cheeks sitting in her bathrobe when he comes over?

[Mz. Pixie]

I see what you're saying but look, he's already moved out of the house. I don't think it could get too much worse than that. Anyway, she can't force him to think in that direction. He'll think what he is going to think. Is she supposed to never be dressed nice or go out for fear of what he may think? See what I'm getting at? Is the only acceptable course of action for her to let him see her miserable and with tear-stained cheeks sitting in her bathrobe when he comes over?

 

Well, yeah, I was recommending that she not come clean. Why??

 

I'm not saying that she should play games because he is. What I mean is more that this lets him see what he might be giving up and that she's strong enough to move on should he want to. She's giving him the card. What I did NOT want her to do was to over assure him and be like "I'm not going out- I'm going to be with my friend, I just don't want to be alone because I miss you so much" sob sob sob. I wanted him to see a confident woman who is in charge of her life. Being as how she has been very ill he's used to seeing her in a weakened state. He needs to remember he married a much different woman.

 

If it pushes him in the other direction what more does she have to lose? He's already moved out. He's not working on his marriage.

 

And how the heck could this convey to him that this has been going on for some while?? She's been very sick up until this point. He knows where she's been, he's been nursing her.

 

I truly believe he's playing games with her at this point and not being honest about what's truly going on. When you're trying to get your marriage back on track sometimes you have to wake a person up to what they might be losing and this would do that.

 

I do not believe that she's done anything wrong to apologize for. He should be praising God that his wife is well and being excited to have her back. He's not doing that for some strange reason which doesn't even jive with him being "too hurt" by her actions. What? That she got sick? That's part of in sickness and in health!

[anna13]

ok , I would have to just maybe suggest tell him some info but not all . I'm not suggesting you lie to him but dont feel like you have to expain all of your ations to him now. just like it is hard for you to not know what he is doing now , it is hard for him to not know what you are doing too. you as a couple have been together for a while and obviously have a history together so it isnt going to be as easy for him as it seems for him to just leave and not think about you at all. If he calls I would answer and just anwser about your whereabouts honestly but dont give him the biography of your day , you know what i mean ? when i first seperated from my husband I had the same feeling , desperate feelings of wanting to be near him , just wanting his arms around me again ect. we went through some tough times ( not health issues but otherwise pretty difficult) i got used to leaning on him , and taking out all my frustrations on him . after a while he said that he was just not happy and needed space. so when he first left I was really lost literally. felt like i was standing in the middle of a blank universe. but I started to do things on my own and not tell my husband everything i did in my day not to keep in the dark really but just so I knew that i had control of something in my situation . I hope i am not rambling lol ... anyway after a few weeks my husband started to call me and ask what i was doing... which is far from how he was when he first left. so thought I would share that .

[Scott S]

[sNIP] Is she supposed to never be dressed nice or go out for fear of what he may think? See what I'm getting at? Is the only acceptable course of action for her to let him see her miserable and with tear-stained cheeks sitting in her bathrobe when he comes over?

 

Yes I do see. And no that is not the only acceptable course of action.

 

I'm simply questioning whether the value-added in attempting to provoke a jealous reaction justifies the risk. This, of course, is an individual decision.

 

When going to spend a weekend with a friend, do we normally dress like we're going clubbing in South Beach? Any particular reason not to dress like we normally would (other than attempting to cause feelings of jealousy)?

 

Why not simply go & spend a fun weekend with the friend? I assume husband & kids have the cell phone # in case of an emergency. Any compelling reason to disclose a minute-by-minute itinerary? If questioned, why not simply reply we're visiting a friend this weekend because we do not wish to be alone right now?

 

If the intent is to reconcile, it would seem to me that all concerned need to go to their respective corners & cool off, rather than fanning the fire with jealousy- provoking behavior.

 

Again, I am simply trying to speak to the man's perspective. I fully concur with the earlier comment that the ladies are in a much better position to understand how the lady may win the man back.

[Touche]

No one is proposing fanning any flames. No one said she should wear a BALLGOWN for crying out loud. Just for her to look nice. The women here will know what I'm talking about.

 

The aim is not necessarily to provoke a jealous reaction. It's just to let him see that she's not a wimpering, pathetic mess! Who would want to be with someone like that? We're only advising her to show strength during this time. It will absolutely be a "value added" action.

[Heartsonfire]

OMG I'm a wreck.

 

OK, first off he get's here early like an hour early. I wasn't prepared mentally yet for him. I ask him why he's here so early and he said that he was off today. WHAT? He's off? I was hurt imediately because the first thought was why he didn't call me or something. I ask him what he did all day and he said nothing. Then he says that he doesn't ask me where I'm going or what I'm doing. I said opps MY BAD.

 

I then gave him the card. He starts to open it but then says he will read it later. I tell him that there's nothing bad in there. So he reads it and then put's it in the kids suitcase. Doesn't say a FREAKING word. Now I feel like I shouldn't have wrote it.

 

So, he goes into the bedroom and stays there for like 10 minutes. Finally comes out and has 2 pairs of socks with him. I look at him and smile. Now see, I really didn't know if he was going to go into the bedroom or not but I packed up my makeup and had another outfit on the bed. I just needed to put them in an overnight bag. He's comes out and doesn't say a word. Nothing. Nadda. Zip. Zero.

 

He tells the kids to tell me bye and everything. He doesn't tell me bye. I open the door and ask him why he's being so hateful. He said he wasn't the one that was being hateful. I left it as that and went back inside.

 

Guys, that didn't go the way I wanted it to go. I don't know how I wanted it to go but that wasn't it. I feel like sh*t now.

[Heartsonfire]

I'm sitting here crying. I'm so upset. Why is he being so cold to me like he barely knows me? I'm hurting so bad that it hurts to breathe. Oh God. What can I do? I'm so scared. I don't know what to do.

[Touche]

Holly, I'm SO sorry that didn't go the way you'd hoped. But don't let it get you down. Be strong. It's still early. You can't expect instant results or changes.

 

Next time though don't ask him why he's being so hateful. That was your only mistake. Act as business-like and matter of fact as he is. It's ok. It's going to be that way for a while. You just have to accept that. He's still processing it all. Just stay calm ok?

 

Hugs! And please stop crying. You'll get through this.

[Scott S]

Oh God. What can I do? I'm so scared. I don't know what to do.

 

I'm so sorry to hear that.

 

I believe that you need some supportive company right now, and not just in cyber-land. Get over to your friend's house as quickly as possible.

 

You will calm down once you're there, & you'll start feeling better after that.

[Touche]

Yes, I agree with Scott. Go over to your friend's house and calm down. Try to put this behind you for tonight. And don't think of it as a setback. It's just the first step of a process. Reconciliation can take some time sometimes. Like I said, it won't be instant.

 

So go do something fun tonight with your friend, ok?

[anna13]

I know it is hard, very hard , when my husband first left he acted like he hated me and he was disgusted by me . now he is much more open and less hostile . I think it is sometimes a defense mechanism for men to do that . just give him a week to chill out . and I know that is so hard but just try to keep busy for the next week. my girlfriends had told me the same thing and it was hard for me to imagine because i was in so much pain i was pretty much frozen up , meaning when i woke up in the morning i would be so full of pain i didnt want to move, or look at anything , or eat anything. I know how hard it is . I had to take it a day at a time . just take it a day at a time . i used to say to myself if I want to save this I will give him space and there were times where it took all in me not to call him ect . but just do it . try to get out of the house , dont stay at home it is the worse thing right now to stay at home . go to a friends house and just hang out with people . you dont have to go party , just have company . that will help you through this tough time. and remember this isnt the end , it is just a week to gather your thoughts and for him to gather his. take it one step at a time . hang in there ((((HUGS))).

[Guest]

hose are classic lines that a partner uses when they are having an affair.

 

I know you're not going to believe me, but he is showing all the signs. If you do not want to take my word for it- go to marriagebuilders.com or divorce busters. You can google either and read for yourself there the signs of cheating.

 

If I were you I'd do some investigating.

 

*******************

 

I absolutely disagree. Starting to snoop around and looking for stuff that MAY or MAY NOT be there is pointless and harmful for you, for him and for your marriage. Ms.Pixie - I think its terrible you have taken it upon yourself to forecast such behaviour - when you DO NOT know. It is pure speculation on your behalf.

 

You think you are helping her? You are merely throwing another log onto her fire. Just because your partner cheated on you it doesnt mean that anyone who shows similar behaviour is also doing the same thing.

 

She is already hurting and you pulling that GUESSwork out of the bag is doing nothing but adding to that.

 

Maybe he IS and maybe he isn't. In my case, he wasn't. I was advised that maybe my husband was cheating because he was "showing all the signs". He swore to me black and blue there was no-one else. What did I do? I didnt TRUST him and i started snooping around - and eventually hired an investigator. What was he doing? Going to the pub by himself, or occasionally meeting his best mate and going back to his place. I feel disgusted with myself and wonder why I never thought to listen to HIM rather than some stranger who is merely analyzing my words from thousands of miles away.

 

You cannot stereotype people as being a cheat just because they are showing signs of pulling away through simple unhappiness. Obviously Ms Pixie, you are still so hurt that you are seeing and LOOKING for parallels with your own situation. This is not you being insightful - its you looking for strength in numbers.

[Heartsonfire]

First I would like to say that I am drunk, so drunk that I think I'm going to have to crawl my way into my bedroom and sleep it off. I would alson like to say that I;m sorry for any mispelled word that I might type. I know including myself that I hate it when someone misspells words.

 

 

Firsrt off, I couldn't stay here after what happened Friday night. I went traight ahead to my friends house. But something kept telling me that I needede to come home. It was nagging me. I couldn't get it outta my head. So, arround 10:30 I said I"m going home.

 

I get home and the first the thing I notice is Kyle's pillows are missing form his side of the bed. It's around 11:30 and I want so bad to call him and ask what the hell is up. But I decide to go to bed to confront him in the morning.

 

Well the phone rings at 8 but I don't answer it and so I get up and make some coffee. Now please keep in mind that in wEDNESDay I told him that I sleep with his pillows,, that it is a comfort to me.

 

Well, =when I ask he why his pillows are gone, he says that he did come back and took them because he didn't want another man sleeping on his pillows. I'm stuck back because I have never cheated on him before. Thank God I have a friend that went home with me and also I cop because ironicly I had a freaking flat tire on the way home, t and trhey couls say where and what i WAS DOIING.

 

 

To make such a long story short, he comes over and get's my tire fixed and he tells me that he is going to file nforn I think an Legal seperation. ThAT opens my eyes because I realize that i have to live my life not through him but life for for my children. So, I'm ready for what ever he can dish ou6t. I can't think that my life is over because he left. I beat Cancer not once but Twice. I'm an survivor. I will get through this what ever the outcome is. THere is a life w/o Kyle. I know I'm drunk and am saying this, but it's the truth.

 

I wan to thank everyone that has gave me advice. I've taken it all in. Whatever happens and I'[m willing to accept it.