should I stay or go

[g-dubbs]

I posted this message earlier as a guest but I was in a different forum and did not get the responses I was hoping for. Here is my story can anyone help? My marrige feels like it is coming to an end. I have been with this girl for 10yrs. We have had good times and bad. There is so much pain and things are really complicated for me because we have kids and I don't want them to have to go through a divorce. I don't know what to do because altough we keep fighting and I keep getting hurt I still love her more than anything ever. I have put up through cheating, lying and all kinds of crap. What really bothers me is that I still can't seem to let go. It has been about 4 years since she cheated on me but I still am not over it. I still feel jealouse and I feel I don't trust her 100%.

 

I don't want to feel like everything she does is a lie. She says she is not doing anything wrong and she may not be but I feel like there is always something sneaky about her. We argue because she wants to go with her friends to a bar or a night club. It seems like everytime she goes out she wants to do that. I f I tell her "no I don't want you to go" then she will get mad at me and we will argue because she fells I am trying to be controlling but if I let her go out then I am suffering and wondering what she is dong. The last three times she has went out she proved to me that she may not be mature enough yet.

 

First she went to dinner with her girlfriends after work but like always ended up going to an after work bar. She was home by 11 pm completly wasted and walked in on me and my friends and told me to shut the f up in front of them when I was upset with her actions. That passed and things went on. Next time she went out after work to an after work bar and this time gets home at about midnight so wasted that she barfed all over the cab and I had to pay the guy $50 to get his car cleaned. Another embarrasing moment. 3rd time she went out with her friends again to a bar she did not get home untill 5am knowing how much that kills me and how I am hurt by these actions. I wish I didn't have to ask her not to go and instead she would focus on me a little more. 2 weeks ago I left the house for a couple days for the first time in our 10 years. I wanted to leave her but deep down maybe I wanted to scare her.

 

Make her take notice. I came back home and this weekend I went to my popsa house for a little while to watch a boxing fight and when I leave she calls me and asks if I mind that she goes with her friend to a bar. I told her don't even ask me that anymore because I have made it clear to her especially in the time i was gone about how I feel about that. She was furious and started to text me to tell me she hated me and everything around her. So of course we argue about it when I get home and ever since now for a week. I haven't even spoken to her much. She appologizes and swears she will change and then another minute she tells me to make up my mind and leave or stay. Just know as I am writing this she just called me on my cell to tell me she is crying on the train and can't take this anymore, that I need to make up my mind. I don't know why I have so many problems letting go.

 

I don't know why, maybe it's my kids. Although she hurts me I know I still love her. We speak about compassion in our marrige and what happened to it. I used to love to do things for her but I felt like I'm not getting it back in return so I began to shut down with her. I guess niether one of us does the little things for each other anymore. Is it time for change? We were married young? I was 18 she was 16 but it has been 10 years. Is it just because we have run our course? We argue and say things to hurt each other but we still want to be with each other. We are both constantly threatening to leave each other. I'm torn when I am not with her I want to be with her so bad but when I am away I don't want to go back. When we have been good we have been great and all our friends tell us how great we are with each other. Please someone shead some light and tell me I'm not crazy

[Gunny376]

The way things are as they stand, the only difference between your marriage and the Titantic is the Titantic has a band as she went over.

 

The basic problem here is that she's danced with the Devil, and once you've danced with the Devil ~ you don't change him! He changes you.

 

She's going out and hitting the clubs and getting pasted, because she's not hapy, She's not happy because you're not meeting her emotinal, intimatcy~romantic needs as a woman. You're not meeting them because you lack the necessary interpersonal skill set to even know what they all are let alone how to meet them.

[Gunny376]

Healing from Infidelity

 

By Michele Weiner-Davis

 

Life certainly has its challenges, but little compares to the monumental task of healing from infidelity. As a marriage therapist for two decades, I've heard countless clients confess that the discovery of an affair was the lowest, darkest moment of their entire lives. And because affairs shatter trust, many seriously contemplate ending their marriages.

However, it's important to know that, no matter how bleak things might seem, it's possible to revitalize a marriage wounded by infidelity. It's not easy- there are no quick-fix, one-size-fits-all solutions- but years of experience has taught me that there are definite patterns to what people in loving relationships do to bring their marriages back from the brink of disaster.

Let the healing begin...

Healing from infidelity involves teamwork; both spouses must be fully committed to the hard work of getting their marriages back on track. The unfaithful partner must be willing to end the affair and do whatever it takes to win back the trust of his or her spouse. The betrayed spouse must be willing to find ways to manage overwhelming emotions so, as a couple, they can begin to sort out how the affair happened, and more importantly, what needs to change so that it never happens again. Although no two people, marriages or paths to recovery are identical, it's helpful to know that healing typically happens in stages.

If you recently discovered that your spouse has been unfaithful, you will undoubtedly feel a whole range of emotions- shock, rage, hurt, devastation, disillusionment, and intense sadness. You may have difficulty sleeping or eating, or feel completely obsessed with the affair. If you are an emotional person, you may cry a lot. You may want to be alone, or conversely, feel at your worst when you are. While unpleasant, these reactions are perfectly normal.

Although you might be telling yourself that your marriage will never improve, it will, but not immediately. Healing from infidelity takes a long time. Just when you think things are looking up, something reminds you of the affair and you go downhill rapidly. It's easy to feel discouraged unless you both keep in mind that intense ups and downs are the norm. Eventually, the setbacks will be fewer and far between.

Although some people are more curious than others, it's very common to have lots of questions about the affair, especially initially. If you have little interest in the facts, so be it. However, if you need to know what happened, ask. Although the details may be uncomfortable to hear, just knowing your spouse is willing to "come clean" helps people recover. As the unfaithful spouse, you might feel tremendous remorse and guilt, and prefer avoiding the details entirely, but experience shows that this is a formula for disaster. Sweeping negative feelings and lingering questions under the carpet makes genuine healing unlikely.

Once there is closure on what actually happened, there is typically a need to know why it happened. Betrayed spouses often believe that unless they get to the bottom of things, it could happen again. Unfortunately, since the reasons people stray can be quite complex, the "whys" aren't always crystal clear.

No one "forces" anyone to be unfaithful. Infidelity is a decision, even if doesn't feel that way. If you were unfaithful, it's important to examine why you allowed yourself to do something that could threaten your marriage. Were you satisfying a need to feel attractive? Are you having a mid-life crisis? Did you grow up in a family where infidelity was a way of life? Do you have a sexual addiction?

It's equally important to explore whether your marriage is significantly lacking. Although no marriage is perfect, sometimes people feel so unhappy, they look to others for a stronger emotional or physical connection. They complain of feeling taken for granted, unloved, resentful, or ignored. Sometimes there is a lack of intimacy or sexuality in the marriage.

If unhappiness with your spouse contributed to your decision to have an affair, you need to address your feelings openly and honestly so that together you can make some changes. If open communication is a problem, consider seeking help from a qualified marital therapist or taking a communication skill-building class. There are many available through religious organizations, community colleges and mental health settings.

Another necessary ingredient for rebuilding a marriage involves the willingness of unfaithful spouses to demonstrate sincere regret and remorse. You can't apologize often enough. You need to tell your spouse that you will never commit adultery again. Although, since you are working diligently to repair your relationship, you might think your intentions to be monogamous are obvious, they aren't. Tell your spouse of your plans to take your commitment to your marriage to heart. This will be particularly important during the early stages of recovery when mistrust is rampant.

Conversely, talking about the affair can't be the only thing you do. Couples who successfully rebuild their marriages recognize the importance of both talking about their difficulties and spending time together without discussing painful topics. They intentionally create opportunities to reconnect and nurture their friendship. They take walks, go out to eat or to a movie, develop new mutual interests and so on. Betrayed spouses will be more interested in spending discussion-free time after the initial shock of the affair has dissipated.

Ultimately, the key to healing from infidelity involves forgiveness, which is frequently the last step in the healing process. The unfaithful spouse can do everything right- be forthcoming, express remorse, listen lovingly and act trustworthy, and still, the marriage won't mend unless the betrayed person forgives his or her spouse and the unfaithful spouse forgives him or herself. Forgiveness opens the door to real intimacy and connection.

But forgiveness doesn't just happen. It is a conscious decision to stop blaming, make peace, and start tomorrow with a clean slate. If the past has had you in its clutches, why not take the next step to having more love in your life? Decide to forgive today.

[COLOR=#800080]Read More of Michele's Articles[/COLOR]

2006 Copyright - Michele Weiner-Davis. All rights reserved.

[Gunny376]

Here are some links for you to check out that I'd recommend.

 

http://www.divorcebusting.com/index.htm

 

and

 

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/

 

and there are some inventories about finding out what her emotional, financial!~security, and other inventories the two of you need to work through.

 

You're going to have to roll of your sleeves and get busy doing some reading and learning. What you needed to know, coprehend, and understand 10 years ago. And, she's going to have to do the same thing.

 

You caught up in a negative downward emotinonal spirial. You've got to stop losing control of your emotions ~ if you're not in control of your emotions your emmotiions are in control of you.

 

I would really recommend the book "Divorce-Busing" Its got some strategies in there that you can apply all by your little old lonesome, even if the DW isn't initally on-board.

[Gunny376]

Another good one is

 

"His Needs ~ Her Needs" by Dr. Harley

 

 

Dr. Harley describes the ten emotional needs of men and women. He helps you identify which are the most important to you and your spouse, helps you communicate them to each other, and helps you learn to meet them. Successful marriages require skill--skill in caring for the one you promised to cherish throughout life. Good intentions are not enough. His Needs, Her Needs was written to educate you in the care of your spouse. Once you have learned it's lessons, your spouse will find you irresistible, a condition that's essential to a happy and successful marriage. It will also help you eliminate the major cause of infidelity.

 

Available ~ http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6020_needs.html

[Gunny376]

The best marriage you'll ever be in is your first! You should fight for saving it!

[ur mom]

i didnt read all of home slices comments but what i read was good.u sound like a good guy man have faith in yourself and in your love for ur wife. sounds like u two need a second honymoon. seriously do something spur of the moment. its not like it needs to be exotic or anything just heart felt. go to a bed and breakfast for the weekend, or vegas and get remarried, **** something.

 

but i understand about not trusting her after what she did. u need to take the high road and let it go for everyones well being...as hard as it may b.

also i dont mean to pry but r u religious? u should try praying for the oppertunity to let the past b the past, realise that she is with u and that no matter what u bolth love eachother dearly.

 

i hope all goes well and ill pray for everything to work out. goodluck bro!

[Sup]

You need to DROP this chic!

[LakesideDream]

Honestly it doesen't sound like there is much left to build on. Men in your situation (at every age) have gone through similar things. It happened to me after 24 years of marriage. Luckily my kids were 98% grown.

 

I married when my wife was young, 18.. I was 25. She needed to have wild time when the kids were grown. And she did. There is a lot more to it, but that's the jist of it. The marriage failed rapidly.

 

It sounds like your wife isn't "leaving" because she doesen't want the responsibility of the kids. Wild people having a good time can't be who they want to be with kids to raise, even part time. The only way for her to have her fun is for you to be there taking care of the young ones while she parties.

 

Good Luck... you will need it. I doubt there will be much you can do. She will either continue to be the party girl, until you can't stand it and leave, or come to herself and realize her children and family are the important things. Don't hold your breath.

 

What would I do? Knowing what I know now I would file for divorce.. (sends the only message she will listen too) and prepare to get on with raising the kids myself. The shock will settle her down for awhile, or it won't. Either way, this will come up again later, maybe much later. It's probably better to get it over with now.