allina Posted November 8, 2006 Posted November 8, 2006 There is a girl that i have been friends with for a pretty long time, 5+ years, she was even one of the closesnt friends that I've ever had at one point. The problem is that over the past year or so I've lost a ton of respect for her, and it's hard for me to value someone who I canot respect. She moved to the east coast a while ago and though I haven't seen her in almost a year we talk daily. Recently I ignore her calls more and more, and sometimes don't even want to deal with her. I'm supposed to fly out to see her over winter break but I don't want to. I feel like a b*tch and a horrible friend but the girl is making some idiotic mistakes in life, won't get help and I'm tired of hearing about it. Often when she calls she starts bombarding me with her "poor me, evil them issues" which are actually HER fault, and doesn't even bother to say hi, or how have you been. Shoul I cancel the trip? Should I try to patch up the friendship? I've tried to bring this up before but it's like she isn't hearing it.
Cheshire Cat Posted November 8, 2006 Posted November 8, 2006 I would inform her beforehand that you will postpone the trip because you have problems to deal with/need to spend winter break on your own/need to realax and will be spending it somewhere else with someone else. Whatever excuse you feel more confortable with yourself. Just tell her as soon as possible, so she can make other plans. It would be not nice to tell her only at the last moment. Next time she calls, tell her that you are very distressed and under pressure yourself, and -sorry- you can't handle being her confidant for a while. Nothing personal. She won't be hearing much from you because you need some time on your own. (It is not a rude thing to say at all.) I've tried to bring this up You mean this? but the girl is making some idiotic mistakes in life, won't get help and I'm tired of hearing about it. Often when she calls she starts bombarding me with her "poor me, evil them issues" which are actually HER fault, and doesn't even bother to say hi, or how have you been. If so, well done. Sorry it did not work, but it was the most mature thing to do. Friends who will let you know what the problem is and try to work on it before disappearing or drastically reducing contact are golden, IMO.
blind_otter Posted November 8, 2006 Posted November 8, 2006 I remember when I was ****ing up, hardcore, I lost a lot of friends. The one who were really good were the ones who stayed with me. They didn't feed into my downward spiral, but they stayed there and just kept reminding me that I was doing all this to myself. Sometimes I would push them away. Reject them for years, in one case, because I was offended when they told me that I was only hurting myself. But eventually I grew up and came around. I think there's a percentage of people who are just **** ups in their early to mid 20s. My messups were precipitated by a violent rape when I was 19. Is there a chance that she has experienced some kind of event like this that would cause her to transform into a masochist?
Cheshire Cat Posted November 8, 2006 Posted November 8, 2006 I remember when I was ****ing up, hardcore, I lost a lot of friends. The one who were really good were the ones who stayed with me. They didn't feed into my downward spiral, but they stayed there and just kept reminding me that I was doing all this to myself. This is a very good point. To me it sounds more like allina needs a break than she is fed up with the friendship, though. I think that is she reduces contact with her for a while she will probably start missing her, and feel like hearing from her. If she keeps talking with her a lot even if she does not feel like it, the friendship will probably keep going downward. The possibility that a very unpleasant event might have happened in her life in another very good point. Allina, have you seen her since she moved away?
Author allina Posted November 8, 2006 Author Posted November 8, 2006 I would inform her beforehand that you will postpone the trip because you have problems to deal with/need to spend winter break on your own/need to realax and will be spending it somewhere else with someone else. Whatever excuse you feel more confortable with yourself. Just tell her as soon as possible, so she can make other plans. It would be not nice to tell her only at the last moment. Next time she calls, tell her that you are very distressed and under pressure yourself, and -sorry- you can't handle being her confidant for a while. Nothing personal. She won't be hearing much from you because you need some time on your own. (It is not a rude thing to say at all.) You mean this? If so, well done. Sorry it did not work, but it was the most mature thing to do. Friends who will let you know what the problem is and try to work on it before disappearing or drastically reducing contact are golden, IMO. Thanks, I would for sure let her know soon (this week) if I decide not to go, I wouldn't cancel on her last minute. About the being busy, this is one of the parts that angers me the most. I've been pretty bust recently, not even using it as an excuse but I had a huge midterm project to do and i was losing my mind. She knew this. I didn't pick up when she called because I seriously didn't have a second to spare, so she texts me w/ "god, you never pick up the ******* phone" And this is after I already talked to her that day, explaining how much work I had to do. As for what I brought up to her, I told her that it sort of bothered me when she called me 4 times a day just to vent to me, not even bothering with a "how's it going" I also told her that i thought her daecisions were causing all these problems and she just kinda said ok and when on to blame everything around her. I do care about this girl but the combination of what she's doing and how she's treating me is really getting annoying.
blind_otter Posted November 8, 2006 Posted November 8, 2006 with these things, saying it one time doesn't work. It's more like, every single time she brings up her masochistic behavior, you consistently remind her that: a) you have your own life b) you care about her enough to want her to care for herself c) she is responsible for herself, and any problems can and must be dealt with by her and her alone but taking a break, as CC suggested, is a good idea. I would let her know, though, that the way she keeps eliciting attention from you is exhausting you and this is WHY you need a break, not just because she's being a bitch.
Author allina Posted November 8, 2006 Author Posted November 8, 2006 I remember when I was ****ing up, hardcore, I lost a lot of friends. The one who were really good were the ones who stayed with me. They didn't feed into my downward spiral, but they stayed there and just kept reminding me that I was doing all this to myself. Sometimes I would push them away. Reject them for years, in one case, because I was offended when they told me that I was only hurting myself. But eventually I grew up and came around. I think there's a percentage of people who are just **** ups in their early to mid 20s. My messups were precipitated by a violent rape when I was 19. Is there a chance that she has experienced some kind of event like this that would cause her to transform into a masochist? Thanks BO, see the first part of what you said makes me want to stand by her because I believe that that's what friends should do. This friend was raped when she was 17 and many of her issues stem from it. I feel awful at times for getting so fed up with her and losing respect for her but some of her actions are pretty out there. I also feel like she needs to get some help, help that i just cannot offer her and I feel like she expects me to fix things. She expects me to be there for her anytime, for however long she wants and never takes in to consideration that I may be busy, in class or sleeping. Here is an example; a while back she was seeing (sleeping with) this guy, from what she told me he sounded like BAD news. She won't listen to me but I asked her to at least please be safe (condom) She didn't, told me she didnt and acted like I was over reacting. A month later she calls me freaking out because she got an STI, I was on campus going to a meeting and couldn't talk, so she gets mad, says "omg im having a major crisis and you cant be there for me!"
Author allina Posted November 8, 2006 Author Posted November 8, 2006 I would let her know, though, that the way she keeps eliciting attention from you is exhausting you and this is WHY you need a break, not just because she's being a bitch. I haven't seen her in 8 months but we do talk each day. I do love this girl and i understand that she has had major trauma in her life so i don;t want her to not have anyone to turn to. I'm almost afraid to take a break from her.
Great Gazoo Posted November 8, 2006 Posted November 8, 2006 True friends with unconditional love don't cut and run. That is why usually you can easily count on one hand the friends who fall into this category. If she means this to you I would go on the trip and try and help her personally and try to salvage your friendship, it all depends what she means to you. Also I don't know what she is going through but from experience when someone is going through the worst times of their life they will babble and cry, beg etc...for someone to understand and listen.
Author allina Posted November 8, 2006 Author Posted November 8, 2006 True friends with unconditional love don't cut and run. That is why usually you can easily count on one hand the friends who fall into this category. If she means this to you I would go on the trip and try and help her personally and try to salvage your friendship, it all depends what she means to you. Also I don't know what she is going through but from experience when someone is going through the worst times of their life they will babble and cry, beg etc...for someone to understand and listen. I agree with all this and I feel very guilty for feeling fed up, but where is the line? Is there ever one? Can you have a friendship like this for years and years? Because I see no end in sight.
Great Gazoo Posted November 8, 2006 Posted November 8, 2006 I agree with all this and I feel very guilty for feeling fed up, but where is the line? Is there ever one? Can you have a friendship like this for years and years? Because I see no end in sight. That is really a hard thing to answer. In reality probably no, if the friendship starts causing you grief and affects your life and health it will bring you down. I just think if you had a heart to heart talk with her you could try and work this out, if anything try and set up some boundries with her and your friendship. If it don't work you can't say you never tried, no need to feel quilty then. I mean with a friend like that you should be able to say anything on your mind, there is no secrets and everything is from the heart.
blind_otter Posted November 8, 2006 Posted November 8, 2006 I think this isn't about her so much as boundary setting. She is probably having trouble setting acceptible boundaries after her rape, if she's not dealing with the issue directly, it comes out in these weird, twisted ways...so the onus of responsibility falls on your shoulders, to set the boundaries with stern compassion.
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