Marrige is hard what do I do?

[Guest]

My marrige feels like it is coming to an end. I have been with this girl for 10yrs. We have had good times and bad. There is so much pain and things are really complicated for me because we have kids and I don't want them to have to go through a divorce. I don't know what to do because altough we keep fighting and I keep getting hurt I still love her more than anything ever. I have put up through cheating, lying and all kinds of crap. What really bothers me is that I still can't seem to let go. It has been about 4 years since she cheated on me but I still am not over it. I still feel jealouse and I feel I don't trust her 100%.

 

I don't want to feel like everything she does is a lie. She says she is not doing anything wrong and she may not be but I feel like there is always something sneaky about her. We argue because she wants to go with her friends to a bar or a night club. It seems like everytime she goes out she wants to do that. I f I tell her "no I don't want you to go" then she will get mad at me and we will argue because she fells I am trying to be controlling but if I let her go out then I am suffering and wondering what she is dong. The last three times she has went out she proved to me that she may not be mature enough yet.

 

First she went to dinner with her girlfriends after work but like always ended up going to an after work bar. She was home by 11 pm completly wasted and walked in on me and my friends and told me to shut the f up in front of them when I was upset with her actions. That passed and things went on. Next time she went out after work to an after work bar and this time gets home at about midnight so wasted that she barfed all over the cab and I had to pay the guy $50 to get his car cleaned. Another embarrasing moment. 3rd time she went out with her friends again to a bar she did not get home untill 5am knowing how much that kills me and how I am hurt by these actions. I wish I didn't have to ask her not to go and instead she would focus on me a little more. 2 weeks ago I left the house for a couple days for the first time in our 10 years. I wanted to leave her but deep down maybe I wanted to scare her.

 

Make her take notice. I came back home and this weekend I went to my popsa house for a little while to watch a boxing fight and when I leave she calls me and asks if I mind that she goes with her friend to a bar. I told her don't even ask me that anymore because I have made it clear to her especially in the time i was gone about how I feel about that. She was furious and started to text me to tell me she hated me and everything around her. So of course we argue about it when I get home and ever since now for a week. I haven't even spoken to her much. She appologizes and swears she will change and then another minute she tells me to make up my mind and leave or stay. Just know as I am writing this she just called me on my cell to tell me she is crying on the train and can't take this anymore, that I need to make up my mind. I don't know why I have so many problems letting go.

 

I don't know why, maybe it's my kids. Although she hurts me I know I still love her. We speak about compassion in our marrige and what happened to it. I used to love to do things for her but I felt like I'm not getting it back in return so I began to shut down with her. I guess niether one of us does the little things for each other anymore. Is it time for change? We were married young? I was 18 she was 16 but it has been 10 years. Is it just because we have run our course? We argue and say things to hurt each other but we still want to be with each other. We are both constantly threatening to leave each other. I'm torn when I am not with her I want to be with her so bad but when I am away I don't want to go back. When we have been good we have been great and all our friends tell us how great we are with each other. Please someone shead some light and tell me I'm not crazy.

[littlekitty]

Have either of you had any professional counselling either together or alone since the cheating incident 4 years ago?!

 

Is it possible for you to get some? Would both of you be willing to work on your marriage together?

 

I would highly recommend visting http://www.marriagebuilders.com/, the website has a lot of useful information and tasks that you can carry out together.

[lisapizza]

...First let me tell you I have been (and still are) where you are...read my story (22 years and marriage unsalvageable), if you feel like you have still not gotten over her cheating, you probably will never...I have made my decision to leave now, mainly because of no trust for too long, I can't be hurt again and your kids have, and will continue to be affected by your staying,(it's happening to me right now too) especially if she does not want to go to counseling...

 

I feel your pain..sometimes you have to do what's best even though it's gona be a long and hard road...

[whichwayisup]

It's fun to have a night out with the girls once in a while, but if it's interferring in your marriage then it's time for that to slow down. Her drinking isn't helping either.

 

To be honest it sounds like she's quite immature, yelling at you infront of your friends too is just wrong!!

 

Get to marriage counselling, learn how to communicate and listen to eachother, put your children first. Any fighting/bickering going on should be kept away from the kids. They don't need to be exposed to that..

 

She needs to figure out her priorities, you need to figure out if you can forgive her, enough to trust her and move past her cheating with the help of counselling. I hope you both work together and fix things.

[g-dubbs]

it's 2pm and I still don't know what to do when I get home today. If you were in my shoes would you still be here or would you have left long ago. Anyone

[whichwayisup]

Go to marriage counselling, make her understand that her actions have consquences. IF she isn't willing to work on the marriage and act like a wife and mother, then maybe it's time to separate.

 

Talk to her and let her know all that you're feeling inside.

[Guest2]

I completely understand where you are coming from. I have been married for 7 years and we are currently going through the same exact thing. My husband hangs out all the time and comes in drunk 99.9% of the time. I tried to love him inspite of it but, what I have now been able to identify as a drinking problem. The first thing you need to admit is that your wife has a problem. Also, know that her problem has nothing to do with you but rather of issues from her past. You sound like a great guy. I am assuming that you are the main care taker for your kids. Be there for them. Eventhough they may not say anything, they know what is going on.

 

My advise to you is to pray. I don't know if you are a christian but God is the only way to heal you and your marriage. With him all things are possible if you would just trust him. It sounds easy but I know it is hard... I am living it. My personal e-mail address is [email protected]. Please e-mail me directly. It is not by chance that I came to this sight. Your thread was for me to read. I strongly beleive that. Surround yourself with christian friends and friends that support what you want and from what I have read its your marriage. God can heal your marriage. Trust him. Take care.

[Anka]

It disturbs me that she has children and behaves in this manner(the running to the bar, coming home drunk, staying out all night when the kids are home)

If I were you i would separate and agree to MC, and she has to STOP the accessive drinking, for her own health and for her children.

My mom acted like this, and its horrible for the kids.

If she wants to work it out and make some changes, give her the chance to do so but dont go back until she makes a effort.

[Mary3]

Can you spell A L C O H O L I C ?

 

Good , She is one and she's going to be that way forever . Bars/drinking/bars/drinking.....

 

Unless she gets serious help you are stuck with this.

 

And to boot distrust too.

 

I would not want to be you sir