Separated, but not left yet.

[Stoneman]

Hi, I , like many people in posts here have been going through an emotional rollercoaster. My wife said that we've grown apart & changed and no longer have similar interests. We both work shifts too, so I think it's been a recipe for disaster. It took a while to accept this, but I can see that it's really true. I think maybe men are more likely to just plod along with the way things are also. I think we've been plodding along for ages.

 

Problem is it's hard because although we've agreed to split up, we have several things to do, financially, before anyone can move anywhere. I have agreed that I will move out so that my son can remain at the same school etc. and journey times will be ok. I kept swinging between upset and angry, now I seem to be only upset when I think of my son. I seem to get really positive times about thinking about the future. It's as if I've grieved & moved on. I haven't seen my wife for 3 weeks now too, because of work & because she spends weeks & weekends with our son at her mums.

 

To complicate things, I really wasn't interested at all in the thought of any other relationship, once bitten etc etc but I have met someone. I have done no more than said hello & chatted but it's obvious there's a big spark of something there. I'm all confused though. Everyone in the world will say 'IT'S TOO SOON............' I know this. I tell myself that I don't want a relationship. Not now, anyway. and yet when I think of her, I smile.

 

Surely it's better to make mistakes in life rather than have regrets? I'm not saying that I'll definately do anything, like ask her out. But I can't help thinking what if ?................

 

Here's hoping that the confusion won't last. P

[Guest]

I don't know how long it has been since you have been apart but I am going trough a seperation and I just want to be alone for a while. There will come a time to go back to dating but the answer is in you. Are you ready to move on a start a new relationship.

 

Will you not drag the past into the new relationship and give her a fair shot at your heart instead of her being a rebound girl. In the end you need to be happy before you can make someone else happy. Also don't bring new people around your kids unless you are 100% certian of what you want.

[anna13]

how long have you and your wife been seperated? If you are thinking of dating someone there is nothing wrong with having those emotions. but I think you should wait until your divorce is final that way you will have a definite closure on your current relationship and also it will give you and your wife time to adjust . are you saying that you and your wife dont have feelings for each other anymore? i would say again wait till your divorced. that is the right thing to do . also another thing to take into acount is to question how your son may feel about you dating someone now. also make sure you are just not numb out of shock about your seperation .

[Gunny376]

I've been divorced for 16 years. Long story, I won't bore you.

 

General rule ~ don't date, get emotionally invested with anyone until a minimum of one year after the ink has dried on the divorce papers.

 

Me? I would prefer she have two or more under her belt. Less than that sends up red flags. Will Robinson's robot running around "Danger! Danger! Danger!

 

Why? Re-bound. Transistional relationship! Neediness. Emotional meltdown. Being the re-bound guy or gal. The "Thanks, for all you done for me, but I'm feeling better about myself, and life now!" guy or gal.

[Stoneman]

thanks for replies,

 

you're not going to believe me when I say we've split-up 3 months ago, after being together for 15 years, 10 of those married.

 

Divorce? I haven't even left our marital home yet. (I've had to do-up a house we own, to sell, to pay-off some debts, so that I can afford to move out. I don't know if I continue to pay the mortgage or what happens.)

 

 

 

I know.......I know . I can hear you all saying 'what the ' . I KNOW

 

 

Like I said, I wasn't interested in the idea of a relationship at the moment. But, all things said & done, what if in 10 years time I look back & say ' jeese, I really should've asked that girl out.' I mean in the grand scheme of things, she could be THE ONE. Who knows? Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to justify asking her out, I'm just wondering about life & the future & I'm certainly not bothered about being on my own.

 

In the last 2 years, we've been just like friends or 2 poeple cohabiting who also have a child of 9. There's been no sex or expressions or signs of love

from either of us.

 

The more I say, the more I'm convincing myself that it's a bad thing to even consider this new person.

But I am the type of person who believes in making things happen. I don't know if I believe in fate or not, I struggle with that one. But I do belive that there is always hope & that you can do most things that you put your mind to.

 

One day at a time for now I think.

 

Regards,

 

P

[ilmw]

thanks for replies,

 

you're not going to believe me when I say we've split-up 3 months ago, after being together for 15 years, 10 of those married.

 

Divorce? I haven't even left our marital home yet. (I've had to do-up a house we own, to sell, to pay-off some debts, so that I can afford to move out. I don't know if I continue to pay the mortgage or what happens.)

 

 

 

I know.......I know . I can hear you all saying 'what the ' . I KNOW

 

 

Like I said, I wasn't interested in the idea of a relationship at the moment. But, all things said & done, what if in 10 years time I look back & say ' jeese, I really should've asked that girl out.' I mean in the grand scheme of things, she could be THE ONE. Who knows? Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to justify asking her out, I'm just wondering about life & the future & I'm certainly not bothered about being on my own.

 

In the last 2 years, we've been just like friends or 2 poeple cohabiting who also have a child of 9. There's been no sex or expressions or signs of love

from either of us.

 

The more I say, the more I'm convincing myself that it's a bad thing to even consider this new person.

But I am the type of person who believes in making things happen. I don't know if I believe in fate or not, I struggle with that one. But I do belive that there is always hope & that you can do most things that you put your mind to.

 

One day at a time for now I think.

 

Regards,

 

P

Hi there,

 

Just wondering what steps if any you and/or your W have attempted to save your marriage....?

 

I don't think you realy mentioned anything...?

 

I think alot of people would be interested in this...

 

ilmw

 

PS... Never live with regrets... but also live smart... never rush into anything... and if you don't have the anwers to your questions... don't make decisions... on the questions... (wink)

[dgiirl]

To be honest, noone can really answer that question for you. Noone can predict the future and know if you're going to end up with the "one", or crash and burn in a rebound. However, there's a lot of things you still need to finish in your current relationship, and I personally do not think it's fair to bring another person into that mess until it's finished. If you truely realize all the consequences of taking action, and can honestly say you wont regret doing this because it's something you've thought very carefully about, then go for it. But please, make sure you are completely honest and that your wife realizes this is a permanent separation and that you're free to date others, and this new girl knows exactly what's going on in your life.

 

But I wouldnt rush into anything too quickly. I have a friend who left her husband and then started seeing someone right away before even seeing a lawyer. It CAN work. But, they took it real slow. And the guy refused to get into any type of relationship with my friend until those papers were signed. Up until then, they were just friends. But if it's meant to be, if they are worth it, the person will stick around and wait.

[Guest]

In terms of 'what have we done to try & save the marriage', I'd have to say not an awful lot except for minor issues we've had.Which we'd agree to resolve at the time.

It's more the case that we were together quite young, wife was 17 and I was 21. She's now 33 and I 38. She said we've grown apart and I agree with this.

At this stage, things which tug at your marriage do so much harder I think, because there's more reason to not be together than to be together.

 

We lost a baby 7 months ago, a miscarriage. I say we, but I honestly don't know it was mine. We haven't touched each other for a long long time. I also found a letter from a family friend which talked about the times they'd had together. This came as a complete shock, but she denied it all.

 

The result is now, that I've accepted our marriage is over and it probably has been for a long time. No one is blaming anyone, but I have dealt with it and feel that I have moved-on in some way. I will be moving-out pretty soon (the sooner the better ) I don't know where I'll go and I haven't any money really, but that's just my problem it seems. Now if I cry, it's because I won't see my beautiful son's little face in the morning, not because our marriage is over.

 

 

I'm feeling confused too, because this other person is coming into my head all the time. I just feel ........stupid.

 

P

[FlyingHigh]

 

I'm feeling confused too, because this other person is coming into my head all the time. I just feel ........stupid.

 

P

If you think you believe in fate, what you just wrote is a sign you are NOT ready. Not only that, your few posts come across as though you're daisy petal picking---"should I? Or Should I not?" There are doubts in your writing. Another sign that you are not ready and shouldn't be jumping the gun.

 

If this "new" person is fate as you would believe, it will happen. She will understand and wait. And she will respect you more because of it.

 

Use your head rather than filling the "void" with this new person by finishing your relationship/marriage before you jump into another one. You'll be a better partner. In other words, take this time as an opportunity to LEARN about yourself because you may end up repeating the same mistakes.

 

Life is a bommerang. If you don't take the time to learn what you need to learn in life now, it will keep coming back until you get it right.

 

If you still won't listen to your rational head, then look at yourself in the mirror and if you can honestly feel no guilt, doubts, regrets or questions your self-respect then well....dive! But remember, diving in shallow water is how people end up getting hurt.