Im baaaaccck

[sick of it]

Last time I was here was a few months ago. I had just seen my ex (of 5.5yrs) for the first time in a year since our bad breakup and saw how much better off I was. I had been miserable and depressed, I was pining, I was crying, I was mourning. Then I saw her, after I had built up the strength to face my fear and I realized how Ive changed for the better. I had gotten a great job and she was still working at a convenience store, I had lost a bunch of weight (70-lbs) and she had gained. Things were not as perfect with her as I had imagined and I could physically see how much better I personally was than her.

The visit made me snap out of an almost year long funk. I stopped thinking about her, I stopped sulking, and felt so much better about myself. Especially when after she saw me she told me how I had become everything she had wanted (though I think that was her trying to manipulate me, it still felt good.).

So Ive gone this past few months not thinking about her too much. Ive been very busy at work and become interested in other people and things. Ive been praised at work for all the things Im doing, been in the newspaper a number of times and really making a name for myself. Life has been great. So why am I here?

Two weeks ago I received a voicemail from her asking how I was and that she would like to talk to me. I didnt answer at the time because I was in the middle of running a Marching Band rehearsal. But on my way home I called back and left her a voicemail. I havent received a call back.

As of late, Ive been having recurring dreams about her. Active dreams with her and I interacting. Some have been sexual but not all. Most have been her missing me which is causing me to think about her during the day. Part of me wants to call her again....but I dont want to be that guy and call until I get a response. I plan on calling next week on her birthday...so maybe Ill wait until then, but i dont know whats causing me to have these dreams. Any thoughts?

[Guest]

if she's not even bothering to return your call, I don't know why you would go to the trouble of calling her on her birthday.

[KittenMoon]

Hey SOI!!! Long time, no see.

 

I think you need to take this at face value. Her call stirred up the old pot, and you'll probably have these memories and dreams for a bit until it settles down. Try to keep it cool and under control (something I have been failing at miserably lately).

 

Let us know how you are too a bit more often. Some of us still need some hope!

[sick of it]

hey kitten,

Yea, i now the call stirred the pot. I just wish it didnt. When i got the call, my heart didnt jump...i was actually annoyed that she was calling during a rehearsal and didnt think twice about it until after the rehearsal was over.

 

ive been reading just a little bit of your posts and i wish you were doing a little bit better. if i may for one sec....

Ive "known" you for a few months now....and you seem like a great person. caring, selfless and wonderful. talented, successful and driven. you also seem logical and rational. i want you to examine what it is about him that you hold onto. ive read how much you did for him and how you cared for him. if you actually did, then know that you are that kind of lover and someone will be so lucky to have you if and when you chose to have them. if you are angry that he couldnt give that back and could change the little things (or big things) that led to the demise...then this will go on for a long time.

i held onto the fairy tale factor for a very long time. that everything was so perfect for us blah blah blah. maybe ive become a little cynical about it. but im sure i wont be until i feel that way about someone else again. it is ok to feel that way again with someone else. it wont be exactly the same. but it will be just as good in a different way and thats ok.

there is hope KM. am i still lonely. yes. but i can survive. im happy with me. do i want to see her with him? no. could i? yes. am i mad anymore? no. am i generally happy? yes why? because i know who I am and that I control me and everything having to do with me.

maybe im missing the point and im just ranting because im in an inspirational mood. id love to talk to you some more KM. i dont know how many of us are still around from when we first met on here. drop me a PM sometime and we can chat

[KittenMoon]

I totally hear you SOI.

 

I had a major setback lately. I know this, hell I was crying about it today.

 

But my logical mind knows its more in me than in him. I'm clinging to him, and it kills me knowing it. I know a few of the reasons. And yes, I'm fairytaling him to an extent- but I also know he's a really good person who hasn't intentionally tried to hurt me, so it makes it a bit harder on some accounts.

 

I was doing a lot better up until this weekend, sadly.

 

I don't know- the one positive thing I can say for any and all major break-ups: it forces you to look at some not so great parts of yourself. Your weight for example, my mental.... uh, instabilities, for another. I know they didn't start with him, I hope maybe I can help end them with him.

 

But overall, its nice to see someone further along in the healing- just a reminder there's somewhere to get to if you keep putting your mind to it.

[Wantingtogetitright]

it is not the person you miss but the beign with someone and this can romaticise the whole thing in your mind. Being in love with being in love not being in love with that person.