Guest Posted November 7, 2006 Posted November 7, 2006 Have been together 17 years, married 11yrs, one child age 5yrs. We never had a hot loving relationship - it was always more of a friendship. After my 2nd child I desparately wanted another one. He adamently refused. We talked about it for a year and went to counselling once which didn't do anything. I am now 42 (he is 49) and I just don't love him anymore. I care about him, and realise he is a nice guy and what is my problem?? We drifted apart and it got to where he was living in the office. He would come out to eat and go out but spent most of the time in there. A year ago I met someone online who had a major effect on me. We fell in love and spoke for hours everyday. DH found out in January and since then we have been in marriage counselling. I will admit that I lied and did not finish the relationship. I have met this guy twice and it was wonderful in real life also (several days each time) I have almost got to the point where it doesn't matter what happens with him - the feelings I have, have made me realise I am not in love with DH and I question whether I really felt totally in love with him anyway. I want to leave but I feel guilty that he is a nice guy and that I should be happy and what will it do to my son. I do believe we can separate and both be good parents to our son, but still, it feels like failure and its my fault. We both agree that we shouldn't stay together and be miserable for our sons sake (think it is a poor role model). He has not forgiven me for the affair and I don't know that he can. Thoughts?
Guest Posted November 8, 2006 Posted November 8, 2006 How would you feel if the other guy were not around? Do you feel strongly enough that the marriage is not right, and never can be, to leave? Are you sure it is in the best interests of your child? In my experience, if someone is suffering the kind of guilt you are, asking the questions that you are, things have to get pretty unbearable before they can see for sure that they need to go. You will need to be able to deal with the damage separation will cause your child and to do that you need to absolutely sure it was necessary.
Dad_of_3 Posted November 8, 2006 Posted November 8, 2006 Reverse the situation. Put yourself in his shoes. Sometimes looking at it from a different perspective will open new thoughts. No one can plan what happens after the wedding. The real work and attention into a marriage comes after. I learnt this the hard way. I dont know the whole situation but from my view, alot of men, including myself, seclude themselves and their lives to try to focus on something else than the pain in their lives. First step I would suggest is to make sure you have exhausted all avenues of making the marriage work. Nothing that you can look back on and feel regret that you didnt do this or that. Same would go for him. He may wake up next week to realise his what he had, what he's lost. It may take months, it may take years. I had 2 affairs during my marriage. I was asked this question that I now refer to you. I still have not worked it out for myself, only surface stuff. Question is, What was lacking in your marriage that made you look outside of it? What was lacking in you that made you look outside of the marriage? dont jump the gun on these decisions. From the Dr Phil website regardless of what people think of him. http://drphil.com/articles/article/23 Ask yourself: Are you still in love with your spouse? Are you hurt? Are you scared? Are you angry? Are you confused? If you answered yes to any of those questions, you've failed the test. This is not the time to make life-changing decisions. You have more work to do Another article. http://drphil.com/articles/article/16 One last article http://drphil.com/articles/article/336 I wish you the best of luck and clear thinking.
Guest Posted November 8, 2006 Posted November 8, 2006 How would you feel if the other guy were not around? Do you feel strongly enough that the marriage is not right, and never can be, to leave? Are you sure it is in the best interests of your child? In my experience, if someone is suffering the kind of guilt you are, asking the questions that you are, things have to get pretty unbearable before they can see for sure that they need to go. You will need to be able to deal with the damage separation will cause your child and to do that you need to absolutely sure it was necessary. Thanks for your comments. I promised myself that if I couldn't see clearly about my marriage with other guy in picture then I would finish it. I am now at the point that I think I am doing that and he is not clouding my judgment. I just don't feel much love or even compassion for my DH. When we do family things and are focused on our child (meant to say above after first child wanted a 2nd and DH refused) then I think well this is OK I could live like this, but when we communicate as a couple I think I can't do this. We have been in counselling almost a year and despite him making changes to do more with our son and around the house (I did 90% before), I appreciate it, but it is not making me love him anymore.
Guest Posted November 8, 2006 Posted November 8, 2006 I dont know the whole situation but from my view, alot of men, including myself, seclude themselves and their lives to try to focus on something else than the pain in their lives. He was not in pain - just clueless that I was upset and because I was irritable he retreated into the office. Question is, What was lacking in your marriage that made you look outside of it? What was lacking in you that made you look outside of the marriage? Emotional intimacy and physicial intimacy. I am questioning if we should never have got married. He barely french kissed me in all these years. Now he realises that was wrong. I thought it must be my fault (? bad breath) but he says that our sexuality was "mismatched" and he should of said something (and I recognise so should I). ] Ask yourself: Are you still in love with your spouse? Are you hurt? Are you scared? Are you angry? Are you confused? If you answered yes to any of those questions, you've failed the test. This is not the time to make life-changing decisions. You have more work to do I am not in love, hurt, scared, angry or confused. I am resentful on what happened, but even that is more of a vague feeling. I really don't have much feelings left either way, except a sadness that my marriage failed and what will that do for our child.
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