trusting someone who did something wrong before you were around....

[unsafe]

so maybe you've seen my blogs and you know what my story is. If not here is a short version.

 

I've been dating a guy for 6 months. I moved in with him and his brother and brothers fiance. We didn't start dating till after 6 months I moved in. After the first month his brothers fiance/his friend starting getting all jealous and telling me this. Saying he was her close friend and now he is changing and always being with me. So she never stopped being jealous and she kicked me out a month ago. my guy and I are still together and he still lives there. He says they are family and friends. The past is the past right? Well he slept with her. First his brother said to join her and him. And then after her and my guy took it upon themselves to sleep with each other a couple more times. Then its stopped. And supposibly they haven't for years now. He is with me and I can tell he loves me. But she is nuts.

 

He has pushed her away but he still works with her and lives with her. He says they are his only friends. And he thinks I'm trying to change him when I say he needs to let go and move out and get a new job. after she kicked me out he said he was going to get a new job and move out. He said after the first of the year he would. I agreed because he is doing it for his brother. His brother doesn't work much and they need his rent money till then. Now that he is there and I'm not. Its driving me crazy.

 

He has begged me to trust him that he would never ever ever touch her again. It was a mistake and gross...and its the past before I was around. I've tried and tried to forget it. But its hard I can't forget it. But now I'm just trying to trust him. And you know what they say about men. They are pigs if someone girl is throwing themselves at him he might just take it. No matter how wrong. He did it before! He swears he was single ...and now he would never do that. I know she is secretly in love and he tells me she is nuts and who cares what she thinks its all in her crazy head. Its not reality. He even told her he used her. Which pissed her off, but she still thinks they are friends and blah blah blah.

 

ok its the same thing, but any guys out there who could give me some advise on this matter. I need guy advise. I know how women think about it. But as a man can this man be trusted.

[Mythical]

so maybe you've seen my blogs and you know what my story is. If not here is a short version.

 

I've been dating a guy for 6 months. I moved in with him and his brother and brothers fiance. We didn't start dating till after 6 months I moved in. After the first month his brothers fiance/his friend starting getting all jealous and telling me this. Saying he was her close friend and now he is changing and always being with me. So she never stopped being jealous and she kicked me out a month ago. my guy and I are still together and he still lives there. He says they are family and friends. The past is the past right? Well he slept with her. First his brother said to join her and him. And then after her and my guy took it upon themselves to sleep with each other a couple more times. Then its stopped. And supposibly they haven't for years now. He is with me and I can tell he loves me. But she is nuts.

 

He has pushed her away but he still works with her and lives with her. He says they are his only friends. And he thinks I'm trying to change him when I say he needs to let go and move out and get a new job. after she kicked me out he said he was going to get a new job and move out. He said after the first of the year he would. I agreed because he is doing it for his brother. His brother doesn't work much and they need his rent money till then. Now that he is there and I'm not. Its driving me crazy.

 

He has begged me to trust him that he would never ever ever touch her again. It was a mistake and gross...and its the past before I was around. I've tried and tried to forget it. But its hard I can't forget it. But now I'm just trying to trust him. And you know what they say about men. They are pigs if someone girl is throwing themselves at him he might just take it. No matter how wrong. He did it before! He swears he was single ...and now he would never do that. I know she is secretly in love and he tells me she is nuts and who cares what she thinks its all in her crazy head. Its not reality. He even told her he used her. Which pissed her off, but she still thinks they are friends and blah blah blah.

 

ok its the same thing, but any guys out there who could give me some advise on this matter. I need guy advise. I know how women think about it. But as a man can this man be trusted.

 

Hey I know you just want guys advice but I remember your first post and really hope things work out.

K I am so strongly against that hole thing that happened (as you are also) and it seems so ****ing weird that they did that and they were brothers?

K you really care about this guy and you beleive he cares for you, so as much as I think I would not stay with him, I can see you really want to. If you care for him that much than I guess you have to trust him and see what happens, but no matter what I think he should move out for his sack and to show YOU he can be trusted.

Good luck

[unsafe]

I know its wrong and I don't agree with it. But I've done stuff I wouldn't want people to know. Probably something he couldnt get over. Sometimes I think about telling him to see how well he trusts me after knowing a dark ugly secret. but I'm trying to believe and trust that he made a mistake and wouldn't do it again.

 

But do you think there is a woman who could deal with it. I mean if I can't and I leave is there another woman he would meet that would be ok with this?

[Mythical]

I know its wrong and I don't agree with it. But I've done stuff I wouldn't want people to know. Probably something he couldnt get over. Sometimes I think about telling him to see how well he trusts me after knowing a dark ugly secret. but I'm trying to believe and trust that he made a mistake and wouldn't do it again.

 

But do you think there is a woman who could deal with it. I mean if I can't and I leave is there another woman he would meet that would be ok with this?

 

 

That's true I can't remember did he tell you, or did you find out about this?

If he told you I think he made a big effort to be honest which is very hard when you meet someone new to say something ugly about the past! I know I have things that I totally don't want to mention to my boy because it would cause trouble and probably make him see me as someone els.

Im sure you have thigns too as you said and that is very right, before I met my current boy I would have considered myself to be lost and hurt ppl who cared about me but people CAN chnage and I know I did I would never do anything bad to someone I cared about ever again. and im possitive that could be the situation with your boy.

Right now I think you should do what your doing, trust him, he could have changed and really wants to, does he regret what he did and know it was wrong? Does he understand why it hurts you? If so I think you should stop worrying and just trust him. I hope he will move out of that house soon though.

Hope I helped a little even though im not a guy, im trying to put myself in your spot if I REALLY cared for the person and saw them change as you are.

[unsafe]

He didn't tell me. She did. But she told me before we ever started dating. I know I knew before and still I dated him. Because I saw something good in him. And he told me right off the bat that it would never happen again. His rational is he was single. But he knows it doesn't make it right. He regrets it. But at the same time says I can't take it back so I'm not going to beat myself up over it. I think after everything that has gone down if he was in that same situation today and knew the out come he would have never done it. I think a part of him hates her for what she has done, but its all he knows. she is not a good friend if you ask me or a good fiance, girlfriend. She knew he was happy with me but she tried to ruin it.

 

Like I tell everyone. Anything with betrayal in it never has a happy ending. So before you do something think who it could hurt in the end.

 

I think at the time since his brother was ok with it, they thought oh opps..ok that shouldnt' happen again but hey everything is fine. But now he sees that she took an act as something more. Because it meant something to her she thought it meant something to him. He told her he used her. I mean come on. Get over it. I think he just said it to push her away. Because he wants her to go away and just be normal.

 

I want to trust him and believe him because I care. But if he doesn't move out like he said I will have to end things. for my own sanity. To me there is no reason to stay there. maybe he thinks there is no reason to move out because he trusts himself. but if I lived with someone I slept with and it bothered my guy I would move out for him. I mean where you live shouldn't matter who your friends are.

 

anyway thank you for trying to help me. I appriciate it more then you know.

[Mythical]

no problem i wish you the best, keep me updated!

[insomnie]

The part that's hard for me to swallow is that he had a threesome with his brother. I know people make mistakes and everything...but it seems incest is a little more than a mistake. On top of that he and she cheated on the brother together while they were engaged...and now everyone is friends and living together? Even if you ignore all the weirdness and all the obvious boundary issues in this situation, I would still be concnerned that he insists on remaining friends and LIVING with basically an ex. That is wrong, he is wronging you by not taking your feelings into consideration. Of course it's ok for him to have friends, but to insist on living and working with people he has this kind of history with while he's dating you is NOT ok. You need to establish that, while history is history, he is not allowed to walk all over you in the present, and that if he wants to stay with you he has to stop crossing some very widely-accepted lines (like not living with someone he's slept with).

[unsafe]

Are you male or female?

 

I agree. I think he should not be living there. I understand he feels pressured. The truth is he is comfortable there. But I'm not. Therefore he if he doesn't care enough how I feel about the situation to leave then he isn't right for me.

 

Thanks for your help

[norajane]

It's not really JUST about what he did before he met you, though. There are a lot of other considerations in this situation - it's a lot more about how your bf is behaving NOW, and how he is treating your feelings NOW.

 

What happened to your viewpoint from a few days ago from your "Should I break up with him?" thread?

 

Thank you all! I know what to do! Things will just have to end. No matter how much I care about him. Its not fair I shouldn't be put on the back burner for a crazy women who's been passed around.

 

I found out from her. She told me almost a year ago. Somehow I let it slip throught the cracks at first I liked him so I didnt' think about it. But then she started to pick fights with us and telling me she missed him, as her friend, as the guy who would flirt with her put his arm around her. And I couldn't take it. I've tried to see that my guy is trying to make an effort to get out of the situation but the reallity is he really isn't. He told me that if I can't hang out with her and him his bro....then it wasn't going to work out because they are his family and I have to except that. Which to some extent I understand but he doesn't need ot live with her or work with her so I'm out!

 

She is crazy, he is crazy and his brother is crazy. I think I deserve someone to stand by myside and never let anyone get in between us.

 

Thanks again I feel better about my choice.

[unsafe]

Well he treats me great. Except he doesn't think he needs to move out because he is comfortable there. I still stand my ground if he doesn't move out like HE said not me...he told me he was moving out. If he doesn't move out then he doesn't care about us enough to consider his pride is maybe blinding him. I'm hoping he will move out he told me he is planning on moving out. If he doesn't then its over and oh well I guess huh? Life goes on more fish in the sea.

 

But if he moves out maybe he has changed and realizes.

[roxy_1980]

Unsafe,

 

You have restarted this thread several times. Perhaps because you don't like the answers that you are getting. Or perhaps you are reposting to convince yourself that if you don't get a satisfactory answer, you don't have to act. Personally, I think that you know what needs to be done, but haven't been able to bring yourself to do it.

 

Best of Luck,

Roxy

[Walk]

I thought in an earlier post you had said that he slept with the brothers wife WHILE he was first dating you? Maybe I remember that wrong. But I swear that was what was said. That after the three some, and a couple more instances on the side, he then had sex with her again after you two started dating.

 

Anyway... He's comfortable. The situation works for him. He isn't going to move out of his comfort zone unless something forces him to. You aren't going to leave him, and there's no pressure from the brother or fiance to leave, so he's goign to stay. Nothing you say will change that. He's not going to leave his comfort zone.

 

You aren't going to leave him because it's your comfort zone. Until you are faced with something that pushes you outside that comfort zone, then you aren't going to actively seek to go outside it. Which means you'll stay until you reach your outter limit of comfort.

 

But my suggestion: You need to leave him. He isn't respecting your feelings in all this. I wouldn't feel comfortable with my bf LIVING with a woman he had sex with and found desirable. No matter what he said, I wouldn't trust him. Words are nothing. He's giving you a ton of words, and no action to back it up with.

 

Also wanted to add... I think the majority of us have a deep dark secret that would make us look untrustworthy. But we've learned that in order to be trusted, we must take the necessary actions to EARN that trust. Your bf isn't doing that. He's giving lip service. "Just trust me." Why? How? There's nothing he's done to earn that trust. He hasn't moved out of the situation, he hasn't made any effort to change the situation. Hell, his actions show he's absolutely FINE with his sex partner kicking you out. Now that you're outside of the situation, he's free to act as he wants with her. And he can give you as many words about how honest he is now because you aren't there to refute it.

 

Where are the actions? WHat has he done to show you he is trustworthy? What is he doing to prove he can be trusted?

 

Listen.. I cheated on an ex before, and my bf knows this.. So I prove to him that I am trustworthy. I show through actions that he can trust me. I don't go out to bars, I don't talk to guys without my bf there. I let him know where I go and when I'll be home. etc... But I prove myself through actions. NOT just words. Your bf isn't doing that. He wants you to trust him without having to earn it.

[unsafe]

You're right I keep reposting this because I still dont' know what to do. I'm confused. At times I feel like I can totally trust him and then at times I don't.

 

He isnt going to move out. But I'm not comfortable. He says he will but at the same time he thinks I'm trying to change him. So he obviously doesn't want to move out. When he said he was going to move out. I guess it was just a line to get me back. I think he knows what he needs to do but he just doesn't do it. He knows he shouldn't be there. He told me that I make him feel guilty every time he hangs out with her when they are home together. I said you make yourself feel guilty not me! Maybe you know your doing something wrong. How do I make you feel guilty when I'm not even there?

 

He never slept with her since he's been with me, or least that I know of.

 

Everyone that knows us tells me to give him his time line. he said he would move out after the first. So if he doesn't move out then, I'll just tell him you aren't a man of your word how can I trust you! And I'll walk away. I'm not comfortable. This isn't my comfort zone if it was I wouldn't be having these issues. I hate that he lives there and works with her. I hate that he doesn't want to walk away.

 

I've asked him over and over again if he has or ever has had feelings for her but he always tells me "no, never it wasn't like that". But at the same time he says they are all he has as friends. So if he leaves with me and we don't work out he has no one. But I guess thats the chance you take! Especially in my opinion he doesn't have great friends.

 

Anyway thanks for your opinions. I'm sorry I keep posting the same situation but its bizzare and its very tough spot to be in. I want to trust him, but then again its really hard. If he can do that to his brother what is he capabable of doing to me?

 

I know what I have to do. I'm just not sure when. I guess when I just can't take it anymore and I see that he isn't going to do anything about changing it.

 

Thanks again.

[whichwayisup]

Then you need to tell him your fears and concerns. Let him know that you're having trouble trusting 'the situation' not just him.

 

Also, ask him how HE would feel if the situation was reversed? How comfy would HE feel knowing that you'd slept with your sister's fiancee and were living with them - Yet you claim nothing like that has happened and it won't ever again...How HE lived there too, but moved out because your sis and her soon to be hubby kicked him out. Seriously, ask him how HE would feel about this - Then maybe he'll understand why you're feeling mistrustful in general.

[unsafe]

He knows all of this I've told him almost everyday for the past 2 weeks. I always try to put him in my shoes. But he still thinks I'm trying to change him. I think he is scared of commiting to me and isn't ready to give them up just in case we dont' work out.

 

Oh well good bye to him.

[unsafe]

So I wanted to thank you all for your opinions and advise.

 

I broke up with him Friday night. I told him he has no loyalty to those he cares about that he would lie to his brother for this women who cheats on his brother. That he won't even tell his brother the whole story. I said I feel he has feelings for her and I don't want to be a part of this anymore. I said if you cared about me you'd leave that place. But you don't want to and the fact your are comfortable frightens me.

 

He told me I was making all this up in my head.

 

But a day later he wanted to talk.

 

I talked to him finally yesterday he said he knows he was wrong he shouldnt' be living there he blames it all on them. I was like NO its your fault. You are in controll of your life. He said he is working on goals towards moving out and whatever. he said sorry I couldn't stick around to see it. I was like sorry I had to walk away for you to open your eyes.

 

He is still best buds with her I know it. He is hanging out with her partying still. He isn't going to change the situation. He lost me and it didn't work out for him and another girl that this so called friend/soon to be sister in law told us and I told him anyone woman that comes in your life she will tell this too. Because she wants you to herself. That you slept with her more then once!!!!!

 

He said he made a mistake. I said yes a big one so you can't sit there in the mistake and say its over. You have to walk away from it. Its not a little mistake its a BIG mistake!

 

Anyway thank you all for your support. I finally did what I had to do. It hurts, I miss him, I love him. But time will help me to move on and get over it. I deserve better. I deserve a man who will do what it takes to make me comfortable. And I learned to never date a guy who would ever sleep with his brothers fiance. that seems like common sense doesn't it. But for some reason I wanted to believe there was good in him. That he cared enough about me to make it work for us.

 

Guess I was wrong.

 

Happy Thanksgiving!

[Mythical]

I am extremely proud of you, I read your threads from the start and it did take you awhile im sure everyone thaught you would never do it but you did! THat takes a lot of strength but it is defiently for the best. If he truely loved you the reality of you being gone would have kicked into high gear but it didn't. Let him live there, maybe one day he will actually realise what he lost and if he doens't guess he is going to be living with his weirdo brother and g/f forever lol!!

 

Stay strong rmember your right. You DO derserve better!

[roxy_1980]

Congratulations! I knew that you knew deep inside what had to be done. And now you've finally done it.

 

Now you can focus on picking up your life and moving on. Removing yourself from this odd situation will be for the best.

 

Best Wishes and Happy Life,

Roxy