Really hard but worth the work

[kellyp1]

I have to say, it has been really hard to remain just friends with my MM. It hurts so badly some days and I have to force myself to remember that we are doing this so that we can keep each other in our lives. Remember, we have never kissed or gone beyond hugs physically but emotionally have travelled far beyond what we should have.

 

I must say remembering what many of you had said helps me keep perspective. Most of you wish you could go back to the friendship part that I am fighting to keep. Being so strong somedays feels impossible but my MM is worth it. I have about a month left of working with him daily and then it will be maybe once or twice a week. The distance will hopefully help us let go enough to let our friendship grow stronger and passions subside. I feel like I am not only fighting this battle for me but for those of you that wish you could turn back the clock and be in my shoes. Please send some extra strength my way!

[Guest]

Good luck with maintaining friendship. For the record, I wouldn't want to go back to being 'just' friends with my MM. I think what the other OW are saying to you is that it will hurt less if you don't allow the friendship to progress.

 

My MM has enhanced my life in ways I can't describe. He has helped me become more forgiving of myself. Built up my self esteem, taught me to communicate better and to love with more passion than I ever thought I was capable of. No matter how it ends, I will always cherish the time with him and be thankful for all I have learned from him.

[Meaplus3]

I have to say, it has been really hard to remain just friends with my MM. It hurts so badly some days and I have to force myself to remember that we are doing this so that we can keep each other in our lives. Remember, we have never kissed or gone beyond hugs physically but emotionally have travelled far beyond what we should have.

 

I must say remembering what many of you had said helps me keep perspective. Most of you wish you could go back to the friendship part that I am fighting to keep. Being so strong somedays feels impossible but my MM is worth it. I have about a month left of working with him daily and then it will be maybe once or twice a week. The distance will hopefully help us let go enough to let our friendship grow stronger and passions subside. I feel like I am not only fighting this battle for me but for those of you that wish you could turn back the clock and be in my shoes. Please send some extra strength my way!

 

 

Hi,

Oh my goodness I can relate! I think the hugging and friendship and closeness is far more a strong emotional connection and feeling of love than ever, I know cause my situation is like your's. I have hugged MM so many times in the past years and words just are not needed, Follow me?

 

This is a very hard thing to move past. I have been trying to have NC with MM for a while now and so far so good. Always in the back of my mind is the tenderness of the hugs. The feeling's with out words. The only advice on strength I can offer is YOU must move on or you will be hurt and feel hurt like you never imagined! Give NC your best and try to rid these feeling's for it will save your heart the pain in the long run.

 

AP

[kellyp1]

The days that we go through personal sadness not related to us are the worst. He wants to call and be there for me and I want to do the same for him. I am having some issues with my business now and he sent me a text that he was worried about me and wanted to call me later. I responded back that the call was not necessary because he is dealing with his own major issues regarding his work. It was the right message to send because I know he soaks up my sadness but I 1/2 wanted the phone to ring with him checking on me.

 

I know walking away would be the easiest thing to do but I can't believe that life has to be that disposable. I have met the most amazing man in the world and I have to believe that we can maintain a lifelong friendship. If I don't, then the world is more messed up then I care to know.

[NoIDidn't]

The minute his W finds out about this EA, you can kiss this lifelong friendship goodbye. If you or he is uncomfortable with the level of closeness that you have in front of his W or including her in it, you are in an EA. That is still betrayal. You need NC with him. You will want more eventually and he won't be able to give it to you. You will continue to want him to call and check on you, and he won't because he will feel that he is respecting the friendship. You just can't go back to being friends.

 

Think of it this way. If you think that he is so wonderful, but you can't M him as he is already M'd. Imagine what is out there really waiting for you. You won't notice the next wonderful guy b/c you are too hung up on one you can't have more than a friendship with. Close the door hun. Close the door.

 

For each door that closes, a new one opens.

[BenThereDunThat]

The minute his W finds out about this EA, you can kiss this lifelong friendship goodbye. If you or he is uncomfortable with the level of closeness that you have in front of his W or including her in it, you are in an EA. That is still betrayal. You need NC with him. You will want more eventually and he won't be able to give it to you. You will continue to want him to call and check on you, and he won't because he will feel that he is respecting the friendship. You just can't go back to being friends.

 

Think of it this way. If you think that he is so wonderful, but you can't M him as he is already M'd. Imagine what is out there really waiting for you. You won't notice the next wonderful guy b/c you are too hung up on one you can't have more than a friendship with. Close the door hun. Close the door.

 

For each door that closes, a new one opens.

 

NoIDidnt said it perfectly.

 

I kept telling myself that my exMM was so important to me that I was willing to fight for the friendship.

 

Didn't work. I still wanted more. More than I was even willing to admit to myself. I couldn't bear to hear him tell me things about his life outside of mine. Real friends aren't like that. I hung on his every word, every contact. Again, that's not a real friendship.

 

I know you don't want to hear it, and maybe you can be just friends with him without it feeling like a punch to the stomach. I couldn't. I told myself I could, but in the end I finally had to be honest with myself.

[scaredinlove]

Good luck and be strong. I posted here before. My MM and I were physically involved but now after after a brief separation we decided to be friends. I haven''t met with him for a couple of weeks but I enjoy talking to him on the phone.It hurts somentimes but we started as friends and that how we should have stayed. So now we are turning the clock. Best wishes.

[stockmos]

kellyp, I do wish you the best in this - but how do you intend to square the circle if you are truly to be friends?

 

Friends aren't something you hide from your partner, and friends are someone you are there for anytime. So, suppose you were to need to come to his house at 11pm because of a crisis situation, would that be possible? But even on a lighter note, how are you, his "friend" to be introduced to his wife, at say, a social get together?

 

Or do you intend that he leads a double life and you be his secret "friend" for the rest of your life?

[kellyp1]

We are not secret friends and again we have not crossed any physical line either. I know his wife, have gone out several times with both of them. He told me in the beginning that his wife was great but that they had grown apart since they work different schedules and lead different lives (she is quite a bit younger and still in college). Beyond that, he has never said a bad word about her and I have met her and never would also. I can see the distance between them when we all go out but to be honest, it is not my place or business to judge. His family is very religious and his wife is very close to them so if anything were to happen, they would never accept me. He told me he wished things could be different and that he and I could be together but we are both resigned to the fact that it can never be.

 

We would never let anything physical happen between us because any ending would involve people being hurt. His family sacrificied a lot for him to have the life he does and well, at the end of the day, I wouldn't want to affect any of that. With that said, I can't deny my feelings for him nor he for me, I just want to redirect mine as a friendship for he and his wife. It is hard though and somedays I don't have the strength. Today is a good day though.

[stockmos]

I see no reason why you should not be friends with this person, even though it may be tough. As you said, you have not crossed any physical line, there are no big secrets, therefore I think it is "do-able" to be friends. I have had people in my life that I have wanted to have a relationship with but have settled for being friends.

 

GOOD LUCK.

[kellyp1]

I think you are right. It is hard only because he and I had an honest talk about our feelings and care for each other but at the end of the day, we did not cross the line into physical contact. I can't pretend that I haven't wanted to just feel his lips brush up against mine but we were given the opportunity and all either one of us did was look into each other's eyes and admit we could never do more than that because he is married. I do know that there is love there but there are plenty of people that have had great friendships built out of love. The key is staying strong to our own convictions.

[Guest]

NoIDidnt said it perfectly.

 

I kept telling myself that my exMM was so important to me that I was willing to fight for the friendship.

 

Didn't work. I still wanted more. More than I was even willing to admit to myself. I couldn't bear to hear him tell me things about his life outside of mine. Real friends aren't like that. I hung on his every word, every contact. Again, that's not a real friendship.

 

 

I feel the same way about my MM. I become jealous everytime he talks about a life and friendships that I will never be a part of. We can never hang out in public anymore because it will be too suspicious... why does it have to be this way? Aside from the obvious reasons, this aspect of being in a relationship with an MM also makes me regret ever taking our friendship to another level. I feel like I would have been a bigger part of his life if we would have just remained friends.

[lovernotafighter]

me and my MM broke up and have been in NC for a month and half..we work together so we did speak briefly all of 4 times.

 

yesterday he dumped his heart out to me and begged me to try to be his friend..I said I would but I don't understand how...I really don't believe I can do this.

 

not only that this sent me back to square one..I felt sick and heartbroken..I already know I can't do it..it's horrible to me.

[NearlyThere]

me and my MM broke up and have been in NC for a month and half..we work together so we did speak briefly all of 4 times.

 

yesterday he dumped his heart out to me and begged me to try to be his friend..I said I would but I don't understand how...I really don't believe I can do this.

 

not only that this sent me back to square one..I felt sick and heartbroken..I already know I can't do it..it's horrible to me.

 

All I can say is this must be very hard. I can remember reading a thread on here called "still being sucked into MM's vortex" and boy, is that how it can feel at times. I know that when I make the break I am planning on doing, I'm pretty sure that I cannot be his friend but like you I cant avoid mine completely thru work but it can be limited to virtually nothing.

 

He has no right to do this too you, be friends? I don't know how you feel about that, but to me, it would be almost like putting your foot on the first rung back to being the OW, especially so soon after making the break to go NC. However, sorry if i'm making any presumptions about you and your feelings, not that i'm one to be critical if you do decide to go back to him, those feeling come flooding back, PuddleofMud said to me, "They come w/ the sweetest kisses, gifts and a very hard pekker. The "on time" is perfect, lustful, romantic and all that kind of yummy stuff.

Then off time comes full circle again...". Made me smile because it is so true and its also a very funny statement. They make you feel like the most wonderful person on earth when your on the top of that circle, I know.

 

 

Please try and think about yourself though, maybe reading back thru your own old posts might help you.

 

Thoughts and best wishes.

 

NT

[kellyp1]

I am beginning to think all of you are right. My MM and I had a big long talk today. Things finally came to a head. We got in a disagreement at work because he left during a conversation with me because someone from work walked by. Anyway, it opened up everything. He adamently stated he wanted to be friends but for the first time, I realize I am the one that is having to sacrifice the most for that to happen. Nothing ever happened but to be honest, it sort of felt like it was building towards something happening. I did end up being the one hurt and heartbroken. I can't do no-contact because of my current work situation but I can employ the breezy approach until my work situation changes in a month and a half. Then the heartache of NC can begin for real...

[kellyp1]

My heart is breaking right now. We have hurt each other by letting things progress into such complex emotions. Now, we have to heal and then find a way to start over as friends. In the meantime, I experience the sorrow alone and he goes home to his wife. It will probably bring them closer though, which is a good thing for him.

[GreenEyedLady]

Kp1: I am sorry that you are going through this...Keep posting here...

[movinon05]

me and my MM broke up and have been in NC for a month and half..we work together so we did speak briefly all of 4 times.

 

yesterday he dumped his heart out to me and begged me to try to be his friend..I said I would but I don't understand how...I really don't believe I can do this.

 

not only that this sent me back to square one..I felt sick and heartbroken..I already know I can't do it..it's horrible to me.

 

LNF!

 

He's asked this of you before! And you know exactly where it leads. Stop sacrificing your needs and letting it be all about him and his needs. YOUR NEEDS COME FIRST!

[NoIDidn't]

My heart is breaking right now. We have hurt each other by letting things progress into such complex emotions. Now, we have to heal and then find a way to start over as friends. In the meantime, I experience the sorrow alone and he goes home to his wife. It will probably bring them closer though, which is a good thing for him.

 

EAs ruin perfectly good friendships. But I don't think that they bring the M'd couple closer, especially if he isn't telling his W what was really going on. He will have many more EAs until his W tells him she is not comfortable. The distance in his R is due to his seeking emotional connection elsewhere. If you are not careful, he will be back to darken your doorstep with the same sad song.

[lovernotafighter]

All I can say is this must be very hard. I can remember reading a thread on here called "still being sucked into MM's vortex" and boy, is that how it can feel at times. I know that when I make the break I am planning on doing, I'm pretty sure that I cannot be his friend but like you I cant avoid mine completely thru work but it can be limited to virtually nothing.

 

He has no right to do this too you, be friends? I don't know how you feel about that, but to me, it would be almost like putting your foot on the first rung back to being the OW, especially so soon after making the break to go NC. However, sorry if i'm making any presumptions about you and your feelings, not that i'm one to be critical if you do decide to go back to him, those feeling come flooding back, PuddleofMud said to me, "They come w/ the sweetest kisses, gifts and a very hard pekker. The "on time" is perfect, lustful, romantic and all that kind of yummy stuff.

Then off time comes full circle again...". Made me smile because it is so true and its also a very funny statement. They make you feel like the most wonderful person on earth when your on the top of that circle, I know.

 

 

Please try and think about yourself though, maybe reading back thru your own old posts might help you.

 

Thoughts and best wishes.

 

NT

 

he swears he isn't trying to suck me into a afair because he doesn't want to hurt me..however isn't he trying to string me along ya think, when he tells me (and he did this while asking to be friends) he is very much in love with me and thinks about me constantly, he has no feelings for his wife, and will divorce her in two years?

 

he knows I don't want this, he knows we can't do it, I don't want to but he knows I am in love with him and that is where he has me wrapped around his stupid little fingers.

 

LNF!

 

He's asked this of you before! And you know exactly where it leads. Stop sacrificing your needs and letting it be all about him and his needs. YOUR NEEDS COME FIRST!

 

Movin on..so nice to see you posting (((hugs)))

you are absolutly right, I was doing so good, you would have been proud, I started to feel like my old self again and it took forever and a day!!

now I am right back where I was..I was sick to my stomach, I was in agony..he talked to me for 2 hours..my head was spinning.

 

I do know despite what he says,I know...and yesterday and today I am going about the same NC buisness as usall...I agreed to be his friend again..but you know what it isn't getting any more effort from me...which I was the only thing keeping our relationship alive most times..so if that what he wants he will have to work for it not me.

thanks movin on..trust me my friend this gonna be a "hey you get off of my cloud" kind of friendship with MM,I promise.

 

My heart is breaking right now. We have hurt each other by letting things progress into such complex emotions. Now, we have to heal and then find a way to start over as friends. In the meantime, I experience the sorrow alone and he goes home to his wife. It will probably bring them closer though, which is a good thing for him.

 

I thought the same thing, but look at what has happened to me...I even witnessed his detachment from his wife..I wrote about it before..she got SJS and was hospitalised and almost died...do you know where he was..at work everyday...her worst day he came to work and brought me a giant tin of popcorn while we were in NC..he wanted to talk and I didn't so he went to the bar with some guys from work...how horrible is that?

 

during our talk..I brought this up to him...he says he felt bad for her like he would a acquaintance and not a wife...I am speechless and sickened even if i do still love him this to me was monstrous.

[kellyp1]

I sent him a text message that came out wrong after we had our talk (it had to do with having to erase data from him because of a technical problem but I told him it was probably for the best) and I realized after the fact that the message came out different than I intended it to. I think it hurt him very deeply and I have not heard from him since. I know that he is also hurt by having to let go and I would never purposefully say anything mean to him. I want to fix this but I know I need to stay strong. His care and tenderness made life an easier pill to swallow. Last night was hard to not see a reply from him, I couldn't eat my dinner and I have this horrible empty feeling right now in my whole body.

[ladibird]

Hi

I just want to say how good it is to find this post I am the same i have finished or should was finished by a MM we said we would stay friends, and met for a xmas drink the other day.

He even told me he would find it hard to be friends because he shouldn't feel the way he does about me, as soon as he saw me he was thinking of me differentley than he would a friend.

It proved we couldn't stay friends because I can't stop texting him and a couple of days after seeing him we had a very raunchy text session and put it down to a bit of fun.

You see I'm M too only my marraige is stale and I'm leaving after xmas not easy very hard but I know I have too (long story see my post..)

But My MM said he was happy with W and basically thats it..

I'm hanging on to friendship hoping the other part will fade away but since listening to everyone on here it seems like NC is the best way.

It's true you want to be in there life and i've told him i want him to be in my life, but at the moment i feel like he's taking over my life because i can't stop thinking of him.

So thanks kelly for putting this post on i'm going to try and not text him as at the moment i find it hard to go a day with texting him which is alot too much...

All the best i hope it's a bit easier for you than for me. we did get physical and too involved.

good luck....

[puddleofmud]

Sweetie, you are just drained from this and I am so sorry! When I first read your initial post I responded but since then I can see how wonderful you are and how hard you are trying NOT to let this become more than it is. Despite this it is overwhelming you.

You have stated that your text message may have "hurt" his feelings but I feel the most important thing at this time is to let yourself have feelings.

What you are going through is like "quick sand" --the more you struggle the more you get swallowed.

Do you think that you could allow yourself to stop stuggling for a bit?

It is up to you as to how you wish to do this but I feel you need to give yourself a break!

You are so caught up in how HE feels and what is going on with HIM.

Do you feel that you are able to take some quite time to understand what is going on with YOU? Do you have support in your life for yourself?

If so--or not or anything in between, we will all be here for you!!!

[kellyp1]

Puddle - you are right. I realized that later that night myself. I wrote this long letter where I made myself figure out why I fell for him and what had made me happy about the situation. In the same letter, I kind of figured out I had spent my whole life on my goal of making others happy and not myself. I gave him the letter and he told me he appreciated my honesty and that I was an amazing woman.

 

Funny thing is, I made it through after I put up my last post but he actually had tried to contact me several times that night and due to technical difficulties was not able to get through. We talked and he profusely apologized to me and said he would do whatever was in his power to never hurt me again and to maintain the sanctity of our friendship. We have added space with some contact. I have the sad pit in my heart because I miss him even though only one day went by when I did not see him but I know I will get through it. I see him at work only and the individual contact has been at the most a few minutes each day. I can see in his eyes and actions that he really cares about me but he also knows that he can't do that to me anymore. If he really wants to be my friend, he has to act like it and not push the envelope anymore. The only thing we have going for us is we never crossed the physical line due to our own personal feelings on it but we went way to far with our hearts. I don't think it is too late to save the friendship but there is a lot of heart stuff that needs to get repaired first at least on my side. I do not want to spend my life pining for unrequited love but at the same time, I still believe that I want him in my life for as long as possible as my friend.