22 Year Marrige is unsalvagable

November 7, 2006

My husb and I fell in love almost instantly, we we're engaged within two months and married by 8 mo., let me start by saying I thought the sun rose and set with this man. We we're always together , holding hands, just very much in love. He is a good hard working person and I thought pretty much honest until four yrs married and he went on a trip w/ co workers and lied about where & why he was gone.( Was a hooti'n good time) After he came back I wanted to leave but loved him too much (no kids yet). I think deep down in my heart I never forgave him for that. Then time went by and we adopted our 1st child, but in the mean time my husb did everything he could (chores, buying me things we really couldn't afford, etc.) to try to make me happy. Then when my son was 6, I found out I was pregnant. after my son was born, I found out my husb had an affair w/ sect'y (even though he still denies sex to this day (just oral), she claimed she was pregnant w/ his child too. He was fired from job and I still stayed w/ him. (she also refused DNA test to prove who father was.) Well , since then we have had another child (and I have been hanging on since 7 yrs ago . I am terrified to hurt my chikdren by divorce but we are so dyssfunctional as a family now that my older son is a mess, his self esteem is shot, he tries to do good in school but says he's so stressed out because we yell at him all the time. I don't want to have sex w/ my husb anymore and when we do, he tells me he knows I'm just "going thru the motions". He is taking viagra from time to time, he says to "satisfy me" but I have never told him he doesn't. Our family is falling apart, I have withdrawn emotionally from him and now I feel my children too, I exercise alot to help me cope and we tried counseling but he only goes for a few sessions then says I won't do what the counselor says. To tell you the truth I have given up hope of ever trusting this man again and I know he knows we're just hanging on. I don't even know why I'm telling this long drawn out story. I'm sick to my stomach and have been telling myself for years now to just hang on a little longer that things will get better but they're only getting worse. Does anyone have any suggestions ?

November 7, 2006

sorry for what you are going through. I am in the same boat. I am just as lost as you are. I am in the mess right now and I dont even know where to start. how to start my life over again?????

I only have one child so I have a suggestion.....maybe we could room together........help each other and beat the you know what out of them......I know just trying to give you a little hummor.......I have been with my husband for 18 years and recently found he has been looking at child porn on the internet. girls ranging from 10 to 15 and I still cant walk out the door. I pray for both of us that God will give us the strenth to do what is best, what ever that is.

I do need to say this love your babies and lighten up on him the oldest cause he is effected in more ways than one and with him being a young man he certainly does not need to grow up thinking it is ok for daddy to cheat on mommy. shhhhhhhhh listen to me trying to give advice when I cant even give it to my self. just love him and embrace you children that is all that is getting me through.

November 7, 2006

Not really because if your title says anything, it says you don't think there is anything to suggest.

If he has cheated on you that many times and it is affecting your children negatively, then a "fix it or leave it" attitude is necessary.

If you have any hope left that the marriage can be saved, then you can still follow that path. However, it would not be an easy road. And in order for it to work, he will need to give complete cooperation. It cannot work if only you try to make it work. The only possible chance here is if he confesses that he still wants this marriage to work and will do anything to earn your trust...AND that you believe in your heart that he means it and accept the responsibility of looking at yourself to see if you contributed to this mess.

Otherwise, the only advice I have is...begin planning for a divorce.

November 7, 2006

Wow! I'm sorry to hear this, I am going thru a divorce after 25 years myself. It looks like you waited too long without communicating your feelings early on and trying to repair. It also seems as though not unlike me that your husband has taken your marriage for granted and doesnt ever believe you will leave him. Wait til you tell him you want a divorce and decide to separate and then see what he does. It will be a typical response I gurante. Once you tell him you will then see his true colors and feelings if he wants to change. But, if he doesnt be ready to go thru with it. If he begs and pleads give him another chance but only if you both sit down and dicuss all your feelings good and bad and come clean with everything to put it behind you. If you want to save the marriage any little bit, its time for you both to stop lieing to eachother and yourselves. He has lied it appears and what are the reasons he did what he did, that is what needs to be figured out. I dont know if you have ever lied or cheated but if you have you need to come clean on that as well as your true feelings about whats going on in your marriage. Its time to have the mature candid talk and if either person cannot accept this and move on to working it out it probably is over. The first thing he needs to know is that you are going to divorce him, if thats what you know you need to do. But, I didnt wake up and tell the truth and get it all out until my wife reached your point and told me she wanted a divorce. Ever since we separated I have tried to win her back even though she had numerous affairs to no real avail. But, I did realize all the things I had done wrong and I did realize how much I loved her and wanted to listen and change. But, she indicated with her mouth that it was too late and her actions indicated otherwise. Still dont know where that has gone. But, my point to you is until there is an awakening such as discussion of divorce etc., I dont believe he is going to show his true colors. You know shock value. If you didnt still care you wouldnt be on here asking. So tell him you want a divorce and if he doesnt care if he breaksdown take advantage to fix it and be honest 100% with each other and give it another chance. If he doesnt care be ready to move on. I guess, but this is how I feel about it.

November 7, 2006

No, unfortunately I never cheated, not once. Believe me I've had opportunities and now I'm full of regret, I know men find me very attractive, I see them always look at me and they treat me very nice and flirt but I have strong morals even though now I think about cheating alot but then I feel guilty...I think I'm going to loose my mind....

November 8, 2006

What an unhappy situation. I wish your attempt at counseling had gone better. It sounds like you have put up with a lot of crap over the years and still tried to make a go of the marriage. With all the effort you have put in things still are not working out. You and the kids are stressed. You feel emotionally withdrawn and not appreciated. You should really think about if you are better off with your husband than without him. Don't put more importance on the sexual issues than the other problems. If you spend the majority of your time feeling miserable it might be time to cut your losses. You have to decide if the changes he might be willing to make (if any) would be adequate to keep your family together and happy. If not, well...

November 8, 2006

Let me begin by saying that if you continue to stay with this man; it will only get worse. You don't love him and your children know that and you are affecting them negatively by staying with him...I know because I stayed almost 30 years and it has affected my children. But it is never too late to get out and start over and that does help your children and change things for the better.

All the things I was afraid of and didn't want to leave because of....don't matter any more...I still have a house full of children to raise but that's okay cause I can do it. I can be my own person and prove to myself that I am better than that and deserve more that just a dead relationship. And so can you. Love yourself enough to do the right thing not just for your children but for yourself.

November 8, 2006

re:

LisaPizza: " ...we tried counseling but he only goes for a few sessions then says I won't do what the counselor says. To tell you the truth I have given up hope of ever trusting this man again and I know he knows we're just hanging on. I don't even know why I'm telling this long drawn out story. I'm sick to my stomach and have been telling myself for years now to just hang on a little longer that things will get better but they're only getting worse. Does anyone have any suggestions ?"

First...BIG HUG for you, Lisa -it sounds like you could use it (Smile).

And pass it on to your children, too.

As far as your telling your story to this board -it's probably because you feel you have no one else to tell it to- and talking to strangers gives a release that talking to a friend or relative may not provide, even if you have them.

I *still* think counseling would benefit *you*, even if you go alone, if you can find a good therapist (they're out there, if you really look for them).

I also think your children (especially the oldest one) needs to talk all this out with someone -a professional- so he doesn't keep heading down such a lonely path and feel so stressed and fenced in with circumstances that are beyond his control.

Where your husband is concerned, I have so many thoughts at this time about him that are not so good, myself- but I also realize that anyone reading your post only has the details the poster gives to work with- leaving some of the picture unclear.

Going with the details given, though, it sounds like he didn't take his marriage all that seriously for the first few years of the marriage -except to "go through the motions" of it, himself- and it became just a "way of life" through the years.

But those patterns usually have a starting point early on -and his are probably hidden somewhere in his background somewhere.

He wanted to "keep you happy" -that's a good thing coming from a spouse, but if you have a misdirected perception of what that is, to begin with, you might start veering off the path of a truly meaningful relationship in marriage from the get-go.

Sounds like, to me, he was raised in a family where the idea of "traditional" marriage was a male-controlled concept of life, and where affairs (for the male) may have been looked upon as an expected occurrence during marriage.

I'll almost bet that, if you look into his background (how he was raised and who he was raised by) these ideas were present in his parents' marriage (or relationship) , as well as, probably, in the relationships of close relatives.

And I'm willing to say, it was probably a male who "ran" the family, -and was predominant in providing financial resources.

If my guess is even close, his friends probably have the same mind-set, also. So this is the world he lives in -and *thinks* in.

No wonder you almost feel guilty about the ambivalent feelings you are having about sticking with the marriage: on one hand he's a pretty good guy, decent provider, and "traditional" sort of guy; on the other hand, you're dealing with all the garbage that came with his contrived perception of what he can get by with (in a sense, what he feels and believes is his earned "right" to get away with) in the marriage, as head of household.

He might be running from counseling -but he *definitely* could use some!

Living with that perception of what constitutes a marriage will always likely be a problem for him -no matter who he's married to.

As for you: begin realizing NOW that you can't change years of that kind of misdirection, all by yourself. He needs help-you need help- and your kids need help.

Start with YOU, then your kids -and let the other grown-up (him) choose which direction he wants to go with his life.

You may not be successful in getting through to him -chances are you *won't*- but you can change your world -and your children's world for the better.

It won't be easy, it won't be painless, and it won't happen overnight -but you can do it, live through it, learn how to be truly happy again, and break an ongoing cycle that threatens your *own* children's perception of marriage and relationships, as well.

Start now.

And keep posting whenever you feel the need to -you have a rough row to hoe ahead of you, but remember you're not the first person to have encountered -and CONQURERD- this kind of serious problem.

The only mistake would be to *not do* anything.

Take care.

-Rio

November 8, 2006

I am floored at everyone's resposes..well maybe not the actual response (I kinda expected what would be said) but the notion that so many people would take time out of their lives to respond in such detail to give me their advice makes me feel so touched,... *Thank You*. I have never posted anywhere about my problems, I have only talked to counslors and still am searching for one that's worth a damn.. but anyhow, I feel better today reading the responses about what I need to do.

I have slowly become stronger over the years and have started to open my eyes to alot of things in my relationship w/ my h/. I have realized that he has too much baggage for me to try to just ignore. If I told his whole past I would be here for days typing on this keyboard.......but in a nutshell he has a very low self esteem, he was molested (at 5yrs old, numerous times by another child, as a child,... he didn't tell me that until we we're married 12 yrs!!) and hence comes his fear of counseling.

He did come from a traditional household, but he was raised by his stepfather and they we're (and still are) a very "closed" family. But no infidelity,(that anyone knows of) that's the part I don't understand, he in turn has been labeled a "sex addict" by one of my counselors but he does not look at porn, no mags or anything, they asked me if I thought he was gay but I really never imagined it. I would say that there was talk early on in our relationship that he might be having affairs w/ other co-workers but I never *believed* it...now I can almost guarantee, it happened many times.

If he can do to me what he did to me while I was pregnant with our first birth child (our 1st son was adopted) then I won't put anything past him.........

... But that's his problem *NOT* mine...I can't hold on anymore, the price is too high, my children are becoming severly effected, I'm always acting so miserable around everyone and that's not the way I want to live the rest of my life... and my children are the reason I stayed in the 1st place..

I know I need to see someone on a regulaar basis, because I also realize I have issues as well, I grew up withdrawn due to verbal abuse and an abuse alcoholic father, also a severly enabling , codependent mother.. (sounds like a good novel...) but anyway I am becoming too depressed and don't want my children to think I don't want them around, they are the reason I live and breathe so I have to make it through the holidaysas a family first though, I can't ruin my kids Christmas. Well, wish me luck and I will post to keep everyone "posted"

November 8, 2006

I am floored at everyone's resposes..well maybe not the actual response (I kinda expected what would be said) but the notion that so many people would take time out of their lives to respond in such detail to give me their advice makes me feel so touched,... *Thank You*. I have never posted anywhere about my problems, I have only talked to counslors and still am searching for one that's worth a damn.. but anyhow, I feel better today reading the responses about what I need to do.

welcome to LS

lots of good people here...

November 8, 2006

re:

LisaPizza: " I know I need to see someone on a regular basis, because I also realize I have issues as well, I grew up withdrawn due to verbal abuse and an abuse alcoholic father, also a severely enabling , codependent mother.. (sounds like a good novel...) but anyway I am becoming too depressed and don't want my children to think I don't want them around, they are the reason I live and breathe so I have to make it through the holidays as a family first though, I can't ruin my kids Christmas. Well, wish me luck and I will post to keep everyone "posted""

(Smile) I wish you luck -and lots of it.

And I certainly understand why anyone would choose to do everything they could to keep the problems they are facing from robbing everyone of the spirit of the holidays.

But people choose to do things for different reasons than they *seem* sometimes. Explanation: some choose pizza as a favorite food mostly because of the pepperoni; others choose pizza mostly for the cheese.

Likewise, you may be choosing to keep the problems stuffed in the background during the holidays not *entirely* for preserving the happy spirit of Christmas -but more because confrontation is something you have always tried to avoid, anyway.

I read what you posted about your "growing-up" years at home, and the people who raised you. Typically, those types of folks would raise a child who avoids confrontation as much as possible -*or* the complete opposite: a completely bold, wide-open, take-charge, kind of demanding, perhaps often critical, sort of person.

Although, I do agree with your decision to keep it light during the holidays, make sure that -when the holidays are over- that you acquire (and stick with) some appropriate type of support to help you tackle not only the present state of your circumstances, but your own personal issues, as well.

I'm still encouraging counseling for you and your children.

I also meant to say in my last post that yelling at your children -or anyone- during these tough times for the family is enough to indicate the need for professional intervention that cultivates better ways to release the tension among all of you, and increase a better form of communication.

Kids, adults -everyone steeped in these kinds of circumstances needs a place (or someone) they can run to and tell it to. It's too risky to ignore that need -especially with children because they haven't the experience to know where to turn or who to turn to -and *could* wind up (depending on age and other things) turning to the wrong person -and down the wrong path.

And all this usually takes place when neither parent is watching their "nesters" (children) too carefully because their attention is focused on the "adult" problems at hand.

There is no question here, that you love your children and are concerned about them (as any good parent would be) -but realize that *not dealing* with all the problems and risks, can only create worsening circumstances, and normally catch up with you when you are least prepared to handle them.

I‘m still urging you to step up to the plate, start thinking about your choices, and what kind of life you really want for yourself and your children -and if the husband suddenly "sees the light" and comes onboard as a sincere, stand-up, bonafide, true-to-life hubby and dad (finally), then that's even better.

But you go ahead and do what you have to do -with him or without him.

Take care.

-Rio

November 9, 2006

My husb and I fell in love almost instantly, we we're engaged within two months and married by 8 mo., let me start by saying I thought the sun rose and set with this man. We we're always together , holding hands, just very much in love. He is a good hard working person and I thought pretty much honest until four yrs married and he went on a trip w/ co workers and lied about where & why he was gone.( Was a hooti'n good time) After he came back I wanted to leave but loved him too much (no kids yet). I think deep down in my heart I never forgave him for that. Then time went by and we adopted our 1st child, but in the mean time my husb did everything he could (chores, buying me things we really couldn't afford, etc.) to try to make me happy. Then when my son was 6, I found out I was pregnant. after my son was born, I found out my husb had an affair w/ sect'y (even though he still denies sex to this day (just oral), she claimed she was pregnant w/ his child too. He was fired from job and I still stayed w/ him. (she also refused DNA test to prove who father was.) Well , since then we have had another child (and I have been hanging on since 7 yrs ago . I am terrified to hurt my chikdren by divorce but we are so dyssfunctional as a family now that my older son is a mess, his self esteem is shot, he tries to do good in school but says he's so stressed out because we yell at him all the time. I don't want to have sex w/ my husb anymore and when we do, he tells me he knows I'm just "going thru the motions". He is taking viagra from time to time, he says to "satisfy me" but I have never told him he doesn't. Our family is falling apart, I have withdrawn emotionally from him and now I feel my children too, I exercise alot to help me cope and we tried counseling but he only goes for a few sessions then says I won't do what the counselor says. To tell you the truth I have given up hope of ever trusting this man again and I know he knows we're just hanging on. I don't even know why I'm telling this long drawn out story. I'm sick to my stomach and have been telling myself for years now to just hang on a little longer that things will get better but they're only getting worse. Does anyone have any suggestions ?

It's been a couple days since I posted this and I'm a wreck,.. I think I'm having a nerv brkwn..My 14 yr old's teachers say he's always angry and depressed.I feel like the worst parent in the world, I should have thought of them (kids) more when this all happened 7 yr ago and left the SOB. I didn't leave because I thought it would be worse for a children to go thru a divorce. Now he has no self esteem and I'm afraid he's going to head down the wrong path because of us!!

Now husb does everything for me, calls me 10 times a day, when I go to the gym or anywhere else he makes me feel guilty and he is so smothering it makes me sick. I don't have any social life and regret everything. I can't see a counslor til MOndy and WTF are they going to tell me anyway------put me on meds and tell me to leave, sometimes life really sux!

If anyone out there reads this, and is in the same boat as me, my advice is RUN ,RUN ,RUN, away and don't look back............

November 10, 2006

Lisa, no professional (operating within his boundaries) is going to *tell* you to leave or stay (only unless it was a violent or similarly dangerous situation for you or the kids they would probably suggest it).

That's *your* decision.

And I'm not understanding why your husband is calling you "10 times a day", or why he "does everything" for you, or why you feel guilty going to the gym.

I'm obviously missing something, here.

("Is there something else going on?" is my question, e.g. is it that *you* are feeling more restless in the marriage after 22 years of being mommy and wife than the aggravation and disillusionment regarding your husband's repeated infidelities? or is it that you finally have your belly full of all his behavior and are fed up with it? or a mix with something else added that hasn't been mentioned?)

Just an observation that's piquing my brain.

You don't get to where you are unless there's a lot on your plate, and as I read your posts I can see there's plenty there.

I see no reason for guilt in going to the gym. Is it the time away from your children that you're concerned about? Or something else?

Lisa, right now, with all the frustrations and regret you feel, it's easy to understand how you might just see more freedom in "throwing out the baby with the bathwater" so to speak: it's a feeling of defeat and feeling cheated out of a happier life that "could have been" (as well as having been cheated on) that makes you wish for a clean slate to start all over with.

But you only have what you have to work with -and as much as you might fantasize about running from all the problems your situation is presenting with, running from it (not dealing with it) is not the answer.

You need help in dealing with your circumstances. Definitely see that counselor you were talking about.

Support for you is essential to your well-being in every way.

If you wind up on meds -so be it- rely on the good judgment of the professional of your choice and allow the meds to do the work they're supposed to do.

As for all that guilt (and anger) -start talking it out in counseling.

Unnecessary guilt is an emotion that can cause you to make some seriously impaired decisions, promote misled action, and say things that are just all wrong to the people you love most.

Even if you truly believe you are doing/acting in the best interest of others, the things that stem from guilt is -at the core- still all about *you* and your developed perception of things.

So it needs to be worked out with you, first.

The resentment issue: you feel you have "no social life" (Smile).

But I think I understand; while your husband was prone (and maybe even privy) to marital indiscretions and remains the "nice" guy, you have led the "boring" life of mom and wife, and always "forgave" him (or turned a blind eye) in order to push for -hope for- the better turnout in your marriage.

That can certainly cause the root of resentment to form and grow over the years -especially when he repeats his infidelity (and *you* keep sucking it up).

Still -otherwise- he's such a "nice" guy -right?

Now, you wake up after 22 years of marriage, and you learn that you never forgave him, at all, for those infidelities (no basis for it, really, since he kept right on doing it) and you are faced with the reality of a mega-important thought composed of a few words: What was I thinking? and what do I do, now?

And the emotions coming from those questions -as well as a lot more- will be what you'll be working through -probably more successfully- if you get counseling.

You need to get to know and understand *yourself* a lot better, Lisa, -learn how to improve your coping skills, and become stronger and more sure, in order to live less at the mercy of someone else's control, and at the prompt of unconscious lifelong patterns you've already developed (e.g. avoiding confrontation, hiding/burying certain emotions, and swallowing the poor behavior of others in order to "keep the peace").

And don't delay in getting help for your fouteen year old. He needs help as much as you do, it seems.

I hope this helps you -or anyone else who happens across it.

Take care.

-Rio

November 10, 2006

Lisa,

So sorry for your ordeal. But reread your posts. There are a lot of "I" and in fact you use your upbringing as reasons for why your children are suffering. RArely, do you mention much about what you can do or are trying to do to help your children cope.

You have been an adult for awhile now. You can't use your upbringing as an excuse to not owning up to your responsibilities to your kids. And if your husband doesn't want to, be that parent who will.

WE ALL have had issues growing up as children. No one come from a "perfect" family. But it's up to each generation to change whatever that was a "cycle" that made the family "dysfunctional". And it starts with ONE simple word: GOALS. And then put it into action.

You need to "DECIDE" that you deserve better BECAUSE your children deserve better! And until you decide that you will remain where you are and your kids will continue a downward spiral. You know that's not what you want for them. BUT based on your posts, that's where they're heading.

So start setting goals for you and your kids and follow through. One goal at a time.

Okay, so maybe you should've left a long time ago. Children are NEVER good enough reasons to stay in an abusive (mental or physical) and unhappy marriage.

Here's some advice from Dr. Phil's website: http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/213

If you're having trouble letting go:

There is life after this marriage

As hard as it is to believe right now, one day this marriage will just be something you did once. You'll go on and you'll have what you create.

Get out of denial

Ask yourself: Do you really want this marriage, or are you hanging onto it out of fear? If being alone is a scarier thought than staying in a broken marriage, you're letting fear make your decisions. Are you mourning the loss of what your marriage was, or what you thought marriage would be?

Don't burn daylight

Grieving doesn't have a time frame on it, but life does. Whether you realize it or not, life is marching on. There comes a time when you have to accept the fact and say, "I've got to get on with my life, I've got to get on with raising my children, I've got to get on with putting things together where I can be a happy, meaningful, productive member of society." Find a way to put one foot in front of the other and move forward.

Take the catastrophic language out of your mind

"My life is over," "I've lost everything," and "Things are horrible" are labels that can have a powerful impact on how you feel. Recognize that it's factually not true. Your life isn't over, it's just a new beginning for you. Changing the negative tapes that run in your head can change how you physically feel.

Don't waste time with regret

At some point you have to say, "It is what it is." You can't do anything about what you did before; but you can do a lot about what you're doing now.

Be an example for your children

What kind of mom do you think your kids are experiencing when you're sitting around and crying and looking over your shoulder at what was instead of what is?

Think about it. How you handle tomorrow will be just as important as what you did yesterday in your children's eyes. If you want to change the direction of where your children are heading, you will need to change your attitude as well.

As the last advice by Dr. Phil: BE AN EXAMPLE FOR YOUR CHILDREN

It's not too late. Refocus your concerns on them. They are and should be your priority.

So DECIDE! Good luck.

November 10, 2006

I realize no conslr will tell me to leave r stay..the decision has always been mine, matter a fact a year ago I told my h/ I didn't love him anymore & wanted a divorce and he was devistated, begged, pleaded, promised to do anything to make it work. Then he ended up in the hospital 2 months later w/ chest pains saying he thought he was having a heart attack. Three days later they found nothing but maybe "stress related issues"The only thing I asked was for "him" to go to counslng but he went 3x then never again.

Funny thing is..I always thought I was strong but this is the hardest thing I've ever had to do...and I chickened out (again).

Is there something else going on as to why I want to leave?? Well, I think maybe mid-life crisis, sudden awakening, feeling that I have done nothing but be "codependent" all my life and I don't want that anymore. Take your pick, I was married at 19 and now I'll be 41 next mo.

I definately don't like the fact that he can be so convincing that he's the honest man, but have screwed me over so bad and now because of my ignorance my kids are suffering.

I also want to say that for my children, My older son is now seeing a psychiatrist because he recently has taken an intrest in "porn". Now I know for alot of kids that normal, but he is charging hundreds of $ on my cell ph (four different times) to text mess dirty mess to chat rooms and also ordered porn on cable. He took my nephews cell and did the same thing...to me it's a cry for help I think, but the Dr wants to put him on Zoloft and I don't feel good about putting him on meds. Especially when I feel like this is all my fault.

My 7 yr old told my husb this morn he had a dream we we're getting divorced because we fight alot. He also just started taking meds because he has ADHD. He always seems "deep in thought and somewhat withdrawn" and has meltdowns at the drop of a hat

And my three year old is becoming a screamer, and likes to slam the doors alot.(that might be typical for girls, but I am not sure right now....

So as you can see, things are getting to the boiling point and we now have a crisis on our hands.

Your other ?

Why does my husb care if I go to the gym...well he's told me before that he's always thought I'd leave him if I looked too good. Why does he say that??Severly insecure or maybe since when he cheated on me while I was pregnant, he was in the best shape of his life and went to the gym "rain or shine".

So now that he sees I'm commited, he feels a little insecure. Don't get me wrong, my husband tells me he loves me at leaast 3 times a day, if I need something, he makes sure I get it no matter what it is, he says I'm beautifaul all the time, every girls dream, he wants me to reciprocate and I can't..

Have I forgiven him?

No, And I know I never will. The main reason is because he never admitted everything to me and I know he never will. If you have a girl that claims he's the father of her unborn child.. and all he admits to is a blowj** in the parking lot, that does not add up.

When everyone he worked with knew they were seeing each other and he had so many opportunities to "work late", and felt sorry for her because she was a single mom going thru a div herself, give me a break. He even went as far as to take a lie detector testfor me to prove he wasn't the father of her child and he failed miserably.....

You hit the nail on the head when you said "I read what you posted about your "growing-up" years at home, and the people who raised you. Typically, those types of folks would raise a child who avoids confrontation as much as possible -*or* the complete opposite: a completely bold, wide-open, take-charge, kind of demanding, perhaps often critical, sort of person.

I don't normally avoid confrontation, but now I think but maybe that what has made me hold on for so long, not that fact that I won't confront him, but to avoid confronting my children and the rest of my family that has made me stay??.....

[/quote=riobikini;975465]Lisa, no professional (operating within his boundaries) is going to *tell* you to leave or stay (only unless it was a violent or similarly dangerous situation for you or the kids they would probably suggest it).