anna13 Posted November 7, 2006 Posted November 7, 2006 I have a 16 year old male teen. he does not do drugs and he does his homework even though he is not passing 2 classes the others are all good and he does make effort to raise his grade in the classes he has trouble in. The problem for me is that he has no social life. we moved to another state and he hates it here. he thinks he is "above" everyone and is too busy judging people instead of making friends. every time he has a day off a weekend or holiday , he hates it and he sticks to me like glue and wont do his own things. I tell him to go out and do things and he says he is too fat ( which he is overweightbut by no means to the point where people will stop and look at him) he describes himself as lazy like it was a disease and not a adjective. even though he doesnt break the law or anything huge like drugs or girlfriends he does a billion annoying things almost it seems to just get a reaction out of me. If i go out without him he will have a tantrum and just be in a bad mood with me and he will call me like 3 times within a few hours to see where i am at. I think it is a mix of him being spoiled at the same time low self esteem. I have encouraged him before and it just seems to drive him to need even more encouragement which i give and when i compliment him when he puts himself down and says I am jsut saying that for whatever reasons. he has some jealousy issues with my younger child who is 4 and I know he loves his younger brother but sometimes he will aggitate him and think it is funny when i tell him to stop he will just do it more. . it is hard to explain in words and everyone says it could be worse but he is making me insane .. anything could be worse i say but that doesnt mean things arent bad. sometimes I cant even stand the sound of his voice just because he just always seems like he wants to mess with me . even when i ask him a question and he says yes he will shake his head no at the same time , even if i tell him to please stop he wont. untill he feels like it. I have tried to be rational with him , and it works for a short time ( like a day) and then it is back to his usual. i have been strict on him and he will just act very childish he will roll around on his bed and cover his face with a blanket and tell me that he is trying to tune me out. he makes me miserable. I just try to attribute his attitude to him being a teen but i wondre sometimes if this is normal teen behavior. my tollder has been having nightmares lately and i think it is because i am constantly trying to straigten out my teen by lecturing . sometimes I wish he was moved out on his own already that is how much he is making me insane. of course 16 is still young so i have to just somehow get through this but am i the only one going through this kid of teen crazyness? my husband and I are seperated and trying to work things out but we seperated for a few reasons but I can say that my teen really didnt help anything with his attitude. all the stress he has caused me and then me to my husband made things so much worse. my husband and I seem to be going in a better direction but i have concerns that my teen will destroy my efforts in fixing my marriage by just not following the rules . anyone else having teen issues like this? I worry about my teen I wonder if he will grow to be a " normal " productive individual. he doesnt act like this with others just with me . it is getting to the point where I Love him but i just can't stand him . everytime I go out he calls for no reason other to ask where i am at and what is for dinner. somedays i just turn off my phone because i need a few hours to myself and my toddler. . just had to vent and if anyone has any good pointers that might help that would be nice.
hazelle Posted November 7, 2006 Posted November 7, 2006 It almost sounds like you are transferring your frustration from your marriage onto your son, who seems to be acting normal considering his parents are separated, he's just moved to a new state and his mother dislikes him. One thing that is completely unacceptable, in my opinion, is placing any sort of blame on your child for the problems in your marriage. If anything, your son's behavior is a result of the problems you and your husband are having, not the other way around. You mentioned that he only seems to act this way around you and although this is frustrating, it's a good sign. At least he's not being annoying to complete strangers etc. Most teens are nasty to their parents at one time or another, when they might be well-behaved little adults in public. Most likely, your son is craving extra attention from you at this time. Think about how he must feel being completely uprooted at this emotional time of his life AND his parents are fighting. You're pretty much all he has right now and his being clingy and oppositional is probably a result of resentment and actual need. Try spending some one on one time with just him. Tell him you're proud of him and be supportive of who he is. If he feels secure and loved, he might just feel confident enough to make new friends etc. Good luck and hang in there.
Angel Posted November 8, 2006 Posted November 8, 2006 This boy is screaming for YOUR attention. It sounds like this is a second marriage and a new baby with the second man. This is a classic case of him being angry for having abandoned him and made a new life (at least that is how he feels). It is too late for telling you that you should have waited to marry again (if this is the case). If it were me, I'd make him the center of my universe----with rules. Fair rules. Include him in everything and love him to death ---with rules. His childhood will soon be over and you won't regret having put him first. If yoiu don't, things will probably get worse. Good luck.
Touche Posted November 8, 2006 Posted November 8, 2006 Hazelle said everything I was going to say. I agree with everything she said. Give him a little of your time ALONE without the little brother. He sounds a little emotionally immature but that's no big deal. Give him what he needs and let him grow up at his own pace.
Author anna13 Posted November 8, 2006 Author Posted November 8, 2006 It almost sounds like you are transferring your frustration from your marriage onto your son, who seems to be acting normal considering his parents are separated, he's just moved to a new state and his mother dislikes him. One thing that is completely unacceptable, in my opinion, is placing any sort of blame on your child for the problems in your marriage. If anything, your son's behavior is a result of the problems you and your husband are having, not the other way around. You mentioned that he only seems to act this way around you and although this is frustrating, it's a good sign. At least he's not being annoying to complete strangers etc. Most teens are nasty to their parents at one time or another, when they might be well-behaved little adults in public. Most likely, your son is craving extra attention from you at this time. Think about how he must feel being completely uprooted at this emotional time of his life AND his parents are fighting. You're pretty much all he has right now and his being clingy and oppositional is probably a result of resentment and actual need. Try spending some one on one time with just him. Tell him you're proud of him and be supportive of who he is. If he feels secure and loved, he might just feel confident enough to make new friends etc. Good luck and hang in there. I give him alot of encouragement and time . , just doesnt seem enough for him sometimes, he has everything a teen would want including me telling him I love him . . but like everyone we have good and bad days. my Husband has raised him since he was a 1 year old. I difinitly do not take out my frustrations on him , my seperation and my relationship with my child is seperate. my H and I know that my teen has nothing to do with our seperation. but like I said the stress that comes from his attitudes doesnt help me. but good and bad days .... I was having a bad one when i posted , my son is ok today . I guess that is a teenager for you.i just needed to vent out . my son and I are close just sometimes he just gets on my nerves which is normal for the most part. he drives me insane i drive him insane . thanks , I will hang in there. i was just mentioning my seperation because like i said it adds stress to a stressfull situtation. my H and I are living seperately and currently improving our relationship and my teen is a part of that too. my teen actually apologized to me today about making trouble to me , he says he just does that when he is mad at me . nice to hear. made me feel alot better at least for now LOL . I have been helping him put in applications for employment lately , I think that will help him more. it's been about a year since we moved back here.he has friends he talks to in the other state still, hopefully he will make a close friend here too Thanks again for reading .
hazelle Posted November 10, 2006 Posted November 10, 2006 Good idea with helping him to get a job. A job should boost his confidence and give him something to focus on. Sounds like you two are on the right track!
Touche Posted November 10, 2006 Posted November 10, 2006 my H and I know that my teen has nothing to do with our seperation. but Yes, but does your TEEN know that? Don't assume that he does. Talk to him about that and make sure he does know. Kids often, as I think was pointed out, blame themselves for their parents separation/divorce. So I'd make sure he REALLY knows that he has nothing to do with it.
Author anna13 Posted November 10, 2006 Author Posted November 10, 2006 Yes, but does your TEEN know that? Don't assume that he does. Talk to him about that and make sure he does know. Kids often, as I think was pointed out, blame themselves for their parents separation/divorce. So I'd make sure he REALLY knows that he has nothing to do with it. yes we talk about alot of things and that included, i have told him straight that we are seperated because my husband and I have our own issues that have nothing to do with him ,I have told him more then a few occasions just to make sure that it gets through his head. My parents divorced when i was young too but i never was one to blame myself but i know that alot of kids do so I did tell him that it has nothing to do with him . he was giving me attitude again tonight , he was practicing his taikwando kicking in the living room and I wanted him to stop but he wouldnt so when i told him that he needed to stop because one of my rules is no kicking spin kicking in the living room . he doesnt like it when he doesnt get his way so he spent the rest of the evening annoying me with noises while i was trying to watch tv , and even walking by me and doing his taikwondo kicking around me while i was trying to watch the news, even though i had told him not to more then 5 times. . these are the little things that make me kinda nuts. I just try to keep telling myself that at least he isnt doing drugs or in a gang , ect ... someone told me about an old japanese saying, it goes like this ~ Girls are adults at 18 , boys are adults at 25 . is that a saying? lol .. well , hopefully not too true
Touche Posted November 10, 2006 Posted November 10, 2006 Well now I see what the problem is. You shouldn't have to tell him ANYTHING five times! You need to be stronger with him or he's going to walk all over you and have no respect for you. You should have told him ONCE and then given him a warning telling him that if he does it again he will lose a privilege. Tell him that from now on you're only telling him something ONCE and that's it. It's up to him if he doesn't want to listen but he should be prepared for the consequences...grounding, taking computer away, etc. It's simple really. You're the adult and make the rules of the house and he's the child and needs to follow them. Be stronger with him. I guess with Dad gone he's trying to take advantage. My own son does this when my H isn't around. I just have to always remind myself to be tough. It doesn't come that naturally to me so I have to fake it if you know what I mean. You'll have to do the same or he will continue to push the envelope. Get him under control NOW.
Author anna13 Posted November 11, 2006 Author Posted November 11, 2006 yup my teen tries to get on my nerves. he isnt really different when dad is around , ok slightly less troublesome but it seems that he has a problem focusing when someone is telling him something. selective hearing you may call it . I have been coming down stricter on him and he seems to be listening but occasionally when he is in a bad mood he will try to intentionally get on my nerves as you have read. I have laid down the law with him. I told him that he has to understand that this is our home but he cannot cause so much aggravation in this home . I told him that he has pretty basic rules to follow around here and if he can't follow them and he wants to just get on my nerves constantly for his own entertainment then he isnt going to be here after he is an adult. He said ok ok , so now he aggravates me a little less, and he has been trying to follow the rules better , I can see the effort. but occasionally he will make me crazy but occasionally is ok and normal i think for a teen. he knows that I am going to help him pay for college and we want him to live at home till he is ready to move out.I do have his best interest at heart. but he also knows now that he has to realize that he is growing into an adult and that he needs to be a bitmore mature and try to co exist with the household and not create so much anxiety around here. at least a bit more reasonable behavior. for now he is 16, and that is definitly not anywhere near what an adult is , but talking to him about that seems to have put his mind to have some sort of perspective. I talked to him about this a month ago . alot of the time I only have to say things once , maybe twice . but occasionally he will act up and that is why i say he makes me insane. teens know how to push the buttons i know that for sure. I have always been strict on him but in the last year or two I have backed off because of the guilt of moving him around. now I see that I really have to keep on him to keep him in check and on the right road. parenting is the hardest job ever! ... .
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