Seperation rules

[Guest]

for any of you that have been separated, what rules did you go by regarding, time together, apart, boundaries, length of separation, seeing other people, etc. I need advice because I am confused on all of the above.

 

thanks

[Sonitas]

Guest - I am anxious to see what assortment of replies you receive from your post. I have been separated for three weeks now and it has been nothing but a rollercoaster of emotions and confusion. I am the one who moved out, we have children together so I maintain a open door policy, he is welcome to stop in to see the kids anytime he likes and the phone is always available for the kids to call him too. When he had the kids last week, he invited me over numerous times for dinner and to visit. He has been constantly pressuring me on how long this is going to take, why don't I just move back...and so on. I ended up spending the night there on the weekend, not sure if that was a good move on my part? My feelings have not changed, is this not sending him the wrong message? He tells me on how important it is for us to remain intimate to keep our relationship going, and show that we are "working" on making things better.

 

I don't think there is "rules", I beleive it is more of what it is you want and what feels right to you?

 

I may be way off.....I think I may just as lost as yourself.

[Scott S]

Each situation is different, & the rules will depend on what kind of separation & what the couple can agree to.

 

Proceeding from the assumption that yours is a trial separation, the objective ostensibly is to repair & heal the relationship, by providing sufficient physical (& therefore emotional) space to work on & resolve the personal problems that are driving the problems in the relationship. Having a counselor involved increases the likelihood of a successful reconciliation.

 

One of the problems with a separation is that with being apart, the couples mentality can be diminished. You’re not living as a couple, you soon cease thinking as a couple, & eventually the couple ceases to exist. So there is a very important need to spend quality time together.

 

For some, this time together may consist of a “date night” of sorts, weekly, bi-weekly, or whatever the couple agrees to. The time together would be better spent in an activity involving talking with each other (i.e. coffee someplace, drinks in a QUIET bar, etc.), as opposed to a movie, watching teevee, etc.

 

As a side, “what the couple agrees to” can be wide-ranging, & this provides great opportunities for communications exercises.

 

The time length can be a tricky determination. Too short a time, & there is neither sufficient opportunity or sufficient incentive to make the requisite changes. Too long, & the “coupleness” diminishes to the point where one or the other (or both) may no longer wish to be together at all. An average time length is 6-9 months, up to a year.

 

As for seeing others, it is important to note that a separation is NOT a divorce. The separatees remain lawfully wedded spouses. Involving others will tend to complicate things. Furthermore, if an outside relationship escalates into a sexual one, that is by definition adultery, grounds for divorce in most locales, & certainly not conducive to reconciliation. So I would strongly discourage this.

 

A written separation agreement, prepared with the counselor’s input & assistance is very useful in avoiding misunderstandings. It would be strictly between the couple, with the counselor as a witness, as opposed to something adjudicated in family court.

 

A useful guide to all this is found in Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends by Dr. Bruce Fisher and Dr. Robert Alberti. A exerpt of a discussion is at this link: http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/Alberti1.html

 

Good luck.

____________________________________

If a man eats a pound of pasta and a pound of antipasto, do they cancel each other out, leaving the man still hungry?

[LakesideDream]

I've never really understood the concept that being apart, can make a relationship better/stronger.

 

That being said. I would think that a seperation would mean leaving the good along with the not so good.

 

If a man and woman are separeted, should the man expect the woman to cook meals, or clean his home, do laundry?

 

Should a woman expect a man to take out the trash, or fix the dishwasher, change the oil in the car?

 

I understand these are stereotypes, they were used to make a point.

[Scott S]

I've never really understood the concept that being apart, can make a relationship better/stronger.

 

Each situation is as different as people are. So what works for one couple may fail miserably for another.

 

The purpose of a trial separation amounts to a "time-out," if you will. It is supposed to provide emotional space to allow all concered to cool off, & take a more rational view of the problems in the love relationship. This can be difficult when emotions are running high, as they will during a time of tension & conflict.

 

As for your other points, you are correct. One must take the consequences along with the benefits.

[PWSX3]

Well said ScottS!!!!!

 

I am talking from my own experiance and like Scott said everyone is different.

 

My W is the one that moved out and wanted the separation but she said it was for her to clear her mind and to think things over. Yes I got the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" and I still have feelings for you, etc. but in our case she said she still wants to work things out.

 

I did all the wrong things, I did everything to win her back which pushed her farther because she didn't want to hear any of it. After seeing our counselor she asked us what we wanted as far as contact and since the W was the one that started it I left it up to her and for the first month we were to have no contact at all. This was so she could clear her mind.

 

Now it's been two months and we have seen our counselor and the NC is off and we have talked to each other a couple times but just about things with money and our son.

 

Now for me it has opened my eyes, I see things I was doing that were wrong. I am reading books, learning from this web site and growing in who I am and what I want.

 

I guess for me I needed to grow up and I'm learning how to do that and I've learned I can live on my own if I needed to.

 

Has the separation done us good I have to say yes it has, will it get our marriage back together I can't say, has it helped me to be a better person most diffenatly, will it help my W be a better person I can't say that is her choice.

 

Is wearing your seatbelt always good, no because some people die because they had it on but for the most part it is a good thing to do.

To me a separation is a place that two people can think on there own and do things that maybe they were not able to do together.

 

As for dating that to me just clouds the mind, you have enough trouble trying to figure out who you are and what you want and I agree you are still married.....

 

I hope this helps because I really rambled...

[Scott S]

[sNIP]I left it up to her and for the first month we were to have no contact at all. This was so she could clear her mind.

 

Now it's been two months and we have seen our counselor and the NC is off and we have talked to each other a couple times but just about things with money and our son.

 

If that is what you needed then it was good that you did so. If you are indeed attempting to reconcile then I hope the discussions move in that direction.

 

As I've previously stated, NC tends to erode "coupleness." It does so by diminishing accountability. I will explain from the man's perspective.

 

While separated, he has regained a freedom that he has not enjoyed since he was single. If a problem at work requires him to stay later, he need not call to advise her he will be late for dinner. If his friends want to meet for a few beers after work, he is free to do so without checking with her. If his friend calls with tickets to the ball game tonight, he is free to accept the invitation. Not to mention that the 8-page "honey-do" list for this weekend no longer exists.

 

Did I mention that he would not need to obtain her blessing to purchase that Harley Davidson V-Rod he has been salivating over?

 

Let him spend a year like this, & it is easy to understand his reluctance to re-enter what he now remembers as being a problematic relationship.

[FlyingHigh]

Seperation, trial or not is one step closer towards divorce.

 

Trial seperation is NOT an opportunity to see if it's greener on the other side. Like Scott said, it is an opportunity for couples to learn with the goal of putting the marriage together while apart in extreme cases or as a last resort.

 

To date or start seeing someone else, hell, why bother staying married? YOu might as well start hiring a lawyer because in some "fault" states it could very well translate to your a$$ is grass --- nearly equivalent to cheating. You are afterall, still legally and technically married.

 

So if you choose to take the route to date/see/sleep with other people while still married, then have the decency to file for divorce and not use your spouse as "backup" hubby or wifey just in case Mr. or Miss Alternate/Second String doesn't work out. Sometimes, those who thought that the other side of the fence was greener only to discover that they just stepped on bigger pile of sh*t.

 

If you have kids, is this the example you want to set?

[anna13]

for any of you that have been separated, what rules did you go by regarding, time together, apart, boundaries, length of separation, seeing other people, etc. I need advice because I am confused on all of the above.

 

thanks

 

Interesting question , Situations are so different couple to couple , so it is hard to give specific rules. . but I will say what i think they should be ,,

 

1. time together - after initial seperation, there should be a period of a week there should be no communication so that both parties can absorb the situation , and calm down emotionally before talking to each other again. ( not that it is that easy but i think that would be a good idea for a rule ) after that it depends on the situation . if divorce is not something being considered at the time being , then i think that there should be visits with each other once or twice a week jus tto start the reconnections process ( every couple is different though) .

 

2.apart- I think couples definitly need time apart , i would say more time apart then together for the early weeks of seperation and like i said depending on the situation, increase the visits if reconciliation is a posibility.

 

3. Boundries- I would say that you should give the other person consideration as if you didnt know them that well , like maybe how you would be with a new friend , so no sudden surprise visits , no late night calls , no phone conversations that have no point to them ect .. ( I am just trying to think of rules if there were any )

 

 

4.length of seperation - that one cant go with rules , but i think it is a personal decision , I would have to say less then a year because longer then that would just be much to difficult for both parties. and it depends on the situation .

 

5. seeing other people - If it was up to me to make a rule for this one I would have to say that seeing other people is definitly against the rules during seperation. even if the seperation was because of an affair. the reason for that is seperation to me is a time to see if the marriage can be saved, if someone sees someone else during seperation , whats the point of seperation your marriage isn't going to improve if there is another person romatically invoved with one of the spouses. , it should be a divorce if this is something one partner is not willing to give up .

 

 

i feel funny about trying to make rules but i thought i would give it a shot , i dont think i did a great job but decent maybe . situations are so different it would probobly be alot easier if we could make rules about a particular situation we know about . i know that i have my own rules in my own seperation that i follow to keep things smooth going . everyone's situation is different though