Dolphingrrl Posted November 7, 2006 Posted November 7, 2006 This is my first post and I'm glad to have found this forum, as I can't talk to anyone IRL about this. I really feel stuck in my marriage. I have been uneasy for the last few years but in the last 6-9 months have really admited to myself that I don't want to be married to my husband anymore. I'm not attracted to him at all anymore and I really just don't like the person he's changed into. Everybody changes over time but I really don't like this new version of him. It's really sad. But I can't just ask for a divorce. We own a graphic design business together and each work very hard at it. I am the creative force, doing all the logo design, etc., and he is the numbers guy, creating the quotes for the clients, balancing the books, etc. We fight all the time and rarely seem to enjoy each other's company. If we didn't have the busines together, I think we'd have split by now. Our sex life is awful, because of me. I have NO desire to have sex with him, and have some health issues that make it painful. (though I can't help but wonder how much of the pain is psychological, given how repulsed I am by the thought of having sex with him.) He's told me how unhappy he is with our sex life, and I understand that. So I'm thinking I want to suggest to him that he seek sexual gratification elsewhere. I'm not sure he'll go for it, but it would make him happier (and thus more pleasent to be around) and would take the pressure off of me. Has anyone had experience with anything similar?
norajane Posted November 7, 2006 Posted November 7, 2006 Why don't you try marriage counseling first?
Wantingtogetitright Posted November 7, 2006 Posted November 7, 2006 try counselling and then if that doesn't work dissolve the marriage. Surely if the personal pressures are off you can agree to run a successful business together as business partners without the life partners bit. If the split is amicable which it should be if the counselling doesn't work this should work out. There is no emotion in your post other than revulsion, dissatisfaction and genuine dislike for the man so a purely professional partnership should be fine. Why send him off to a whore to maintain a marriage if there is no love etc. Weird
Romeo Must Die Posted November 7, 2006 Posted November 7, 2006 For gods sakes, no. Do not do that. Maybe you might benefit from IC (counselling) as to why you feel this way. It's too hard to wonder what you are going on about from just one post, but its obvious you are the one with the issues and you need to resolve them without bringing someone else into this mess. Sheesh.
Mz. Pixie Posted November 7, 2006 Posted November 7, 2006 You know, I understand your thinking. However this can backfire on you. Your husband is unhappy about your sex life. He feels his sexual needs are not being met. You tell them to go get them met elsewhere. This translates into you do not love him. Men relate sex to love. So, he goes off with your permission and meets a nice woman for sex. But, the problem is, his needs haven't been met in so long he's like a starving person. So, she starts meeting them and suddenly he thinks she's wonderful. Then, they talk a bit and he begins to fall in love with her. Because YOU don't want to meet his needs, she will and she'll build points in his love bank. And then he will leave you for her anyway. Because he won't be willing to settle for a relationship where you guys are just roommates and he has to have his needs met elsewhere- it might not happen with the first one or the second one, but it will happen. Men have given up their prominent positions in life, all of their wealth, kingdoms, and religious positions for the right piece of tail. Cruise on over to the OW section of this forum and see what you're asking for. Perhaps you should examine why you find him so repulsive and get to the bottom of that?? In counseling. And understand that to really make a man happy it's simple. And he equates sex with his happiness and his feeling of being loved by you. He doesn't want to be just a paycheck to you and a roommate. And it's disrespectful of you to ask him to be. If you do not want to change yourself and make any positive changes towards the relationship it's better to end it. Regardless of all the business dealings. That's part of what happens when you divorce.
Kinger25 Posted November 7, 2006 Posted November 7, 2006 I'm not a big fan of MC because I dont necessarily agree that it solves a problem between two people rather than just masks it and cements in the cracks for a while. Ok, sometimes it does work for people and they end up "discovering" things about eachother that they did not already know, but If you are as repulsed as you say you are by your H then there really isn't any point in even trying MC. I mean, do you REALLY think that by going to counselling you are going to re-discover the love that you have lost for him and suddenly find him the sexiest man on earth again? Please dont get me wrong, I am not saying that you shouldn't try MC, I'm only offering an opinion. If YOU are not in love with your H anymore and you know that you are never going to be happy with him then you need to take charge of your life and dissolve your marriage. Other posters have immediately said to you to try counselling, but why not try communicating with your H on a one to one basis first. Surely you must have enough respect left for him to actually talk to him about things. Why dont you come right out and tell him how you feel about him. Ok you dont need to attack his character and use such venemous phrases when you do talk to him, but in as gentle a way as possible explain to him how you feel about him and your sex life with him. No matter how much it hurts someone - honesty is always the best policy. Whats the point in hiding how you feel and making yourself unhappy? Your business is a joint partnership so I am assuming would be split equally if you divorced your H? You never know anyway, you may be able to have a purely business relationship with your H even if you do divorce. I am not meaning to sound negative in my consistent mentioning of your divorcing him but I am being realistic. DONT get your H to go and sleep with someone else in order to try and save your M - It wont work, and for you even to suggest that you would be happy with him doing something like that pretty much sums up how you feel about him (IMO)
Author Dolphingrrl Posted November 7, 2006 Author Posted November 7, 2006 I should have mentioned that we have gone to 2 therapists and have had no help from either. Part of the issue in our marriage is the amount of time he spends on interests outside of our business that don't appeal to me. Nothing sinister or dirty, but it takes a lot of his time. Even when he's here physically, it's like he's not, because he's always on his computer working on this other stuff. I've told him for years that it's a problem for me, and he basically says, "Well, if you want to see more of me, then start coming to the meetings." Uh...you totally missed the point buddy! I know he resents me and our business for taking time away from his other pursuits, and I know that if/when we sell the business, he's looking forward to doing that other stuff full time. I will not stick around for that, and have told him that. When in counseling he said "I am not willing to spend less time on ...", even though I told him I feel like that other stuff is breaking up our marriage. So I'm left feeling like he doesn't give a rats ass about how I feel, because even when I tell him, he just disregards it and does his own thing anyway. So to a certain extent we're already living as roomates. I have lost a lot of respect for him over this, which is why I'm just so OVER our marriage and relationship. We already have nothing left between us, but have to stay together for the business. I appreciate the replies and will check out the other forums as suggested. Thank you.
Author Dolphingrrl Posted November 7, 2006 Author Posted November 7, 2006 I should also add - my idea of him sleeping with someone else isn't intended to save our marriage. I feel it's too late for that. The idea came about as a means to make him more content (and thus perhaps more bearable, since he's always grumpy, understandably) until we CAN acutally get a divorce. Which is what I want but doesn't see realistic at this point in our business. He's pretty much said he hates the business, but knows that at this point he needs to stay involved because we can't afford to pay someone for what he does. I have told him that I feel like once we sell the business we'll just end up getting divorced, but I don't think he really believes that.
Kinger25 Posted November 7, 2006 Posted November 7, 2006 From what you have said, your H definitely needs a big kick up the ass. He is being VERY unfair on you to not compromise and take part in some of your favourite hobbies sometimes. It is ESSENTIAL in a relationship that you share activities together. If he were a bit more flexible and got involved with you and what you do a bit more then I am sure that you would sacrifice at least 1 evening a week to get involved with one of his boring hobbies!! ?? In your first post you said that you "cant just ask him for a divorce" Why Not? Why cant you approach your husband, explain to him that you are not happy in your life and that you would either like some time apart to figure out what you want to do or that you want a divorce? You never know, he might be thinking exactly the same thing inside. I always think that when in a relationship, as long as you are happier WITH that person in your life than what you would be if they were NOT in your life then you can always find a way to work things out. Its when you get to the point when you KNOW that you are going to be happier without them than you are with them that you need to call it quits. Think about that one. If you feel like that latter then you need to leave your H.
GreenEyedLady Posted November 8, 2006 Posted November 8, 2006 DG: You say that he hates the business, so obviously you are so concerned because YOU want it (the business) to work....Maybe he'd like to D so he wouldn't have to work the business anymore...are you concerned the business will go under if he doesn't continue? Why can't you just get another partner? Then maybe he'd have time and want to spend time with you doing your hobbies... It sounds lopsided to me...You don't want to have sex with him because you're repulsed by him but you're not repulsed by him doing the work that he hates (your words) and that if done by someone else would cost significant money to you...I think that's what I read...
Trimmer Posted November 8, 2006 Posted November 8, 2006 Dolphin - Can you explain how the need to stay in business prevents you from getting the divorce? Are you assuming that if you divorce he would automatically want to leave the business, or does he believe, as it sounds like you do, that for the near future, the success of the business will require both of you to continue as business partners? And why is it that you couldn't find another partner to do the books and run the numbers? Are you implying that if your husband backed out, he would continue to draw a salary, and a "new" person would cost you more on top of that? How about seeking out someone to buy out your husbands share, then he's out of it, divorce or not? Bottom line, it seems like you are intimately mixing your marriage and the business (and it sounds like maybe that has not exactly been a good thing.) Why does that have to be the case? What is your company structure? Is your husband the sole proprietor, and you just share in the business as a community asset of the marriage, or do you have a legal partnership? (Or a corporation?) The other way to look at it: Assuming you could get through whatever ugly process, what do you want your life to look like on the other side? Divorced, but still running the business, maybe without your husband involved? From your description, it sounds like he doesn't want to be involved, so are you really both sharing a similar goal here??? Why not set a goal and figure out a way to get there?
Author Dolphingrrl Posted November 8, 2006 Author Posted November 8, 2006 DG: You say that he hates the business, so obviously you are so concerned because YOU want it (the business) to work....Maybe he'd like to D so he wouldn't have to work the business anymore...are you concerned the business will go under if he doesn't continue? Why can't you just get another partner? Then maybe he'd have time and want to spend time with you doing your hobbies... Yes, I want to keep it. I started it and he's always done the books. So yes, I could hire someone to do his jobs, I just don't think the business IS at the point where it could support all of that...but I think we're moving in that direction pretty quickly and know it will get there. Dolphin - Can you explain how the need to stay in business prevents you from getting the divorce? Are you assuming that if you divorce he would automatically want to leave the business, or does he believe, as it sounds like you do, that for the near future, the success of the business will require both of you to continue as business partners? I do think that for now it requires us both, but I also know how much he just wants to get to the day where he doesn't have to do it anymore. I'm pretty sure he's not on the same page as me when it comes to wanting to divorce, but it's hard to tell. I've mentioned many times that I believe that when the time comes that we sell the business, we'll have no choice to divorce because we'll have nothing left. He just stares at me and doesn't say anything, so I have no idea what he thinks about it. It's infuriating How about seeking out someone to buy out your husbands share, then he's out of it, divorce or not? I hadn't thought of that, so thank you. Bottom line, it seems like you are intimately mixing your marriage and the business (and it sounds like maybe that has not exactly been a good thing.) Why does that have to be the case? What is your company structure? Is your husband the sole proprietor, and you just share in the business as a community asset of the marriage, or do you have a legal partnership? (Or a corporation?) You're right that our business and personal lives are far too intermingled, but it's how it ended up. It's a partnership, 50/50. I think the most realistic thing for the outcome is that we'll get the business to a better point financially and have the value assessed. I have NO intention of screwing him out of what he deserves. He's worked just as hard as I have in this. So we, with lawyers I assume, determine a monthly amount to pay him his share. That way he's getting paid for "time served" and can spend all his damn time on the other stuff. It seems like, if he's as unhappy as I think he is (and as I am), he'll see that's a great way to handle it. I just don't think the business is there yet, and thus I don't know exactly when to bring it all up. And I guess I thought that in the meantime he'd be happier if he could be getting laid by someone, since I don't want to be the one doing it. But I do understand how that might be the beginning of the end, which maybe we're not quite ready for yet. I truly appreciate the input and feedback. I'm so thankful to have other people's input on this - I've been keeping it to myself for about 2 years now.
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