putitwhere999 Posted November 7, 2006 Posted November 7, 2006 I don't wanna say he is, but I think he is. I know that sounds lame. But here are some examples of what I'm talking about: - He works hard @ a job monday-friday 6am-4pm. He then usually goes to the gym for another 2 hours atleast 4 times a week. He says he is always too tired to go out anywhere. So if I wanna see him I basically have to go to his house after I get off my waitressing shift at night that usually lasts til atleast 10pm sometimes later then that. I see him for about usually an hour before he falls asleep on the couch. He gets upset if I wana leave after he falls asleep, he wants me to stay there and watch tv. I like spending the time with him, but I don't see the point if he is sleeping. I have online classes I take that require alot of reading and i could be doing class work, or just relaxing in my bed. Anyway, we only go out places about once or twice a month. He doesn't really spend any time with me when it comes to weekends, because he says that is time for his friends that he doesn't see all weekend long. I have friday nights off and I just wanna go out on fridays, even if it is with his friends, but it never happens. Tonight, I told him I was going to go home and do hw, and he is out with his friend, even though it is a week night. They went and saw a movie, that has now been over for the past 2 hours and he still isn't home yet. During the week when I come to his house to watch tv, it is hard to get him to stay up to 11pm. It's 12am now and he's not home yet. Why does he prefer his friends over me? He probably wouldn't stay out like this with me during the week. Why does he do this with his buddies and not me? I've tried talking to him about this a billion times, and how I think h treats me unfairly and how he will do stuff like that with his friends, but not with me. He just denies it and says he doesn't do that. But he does! He is doing it tonight. I'm stuck in such an awful position because I don't wanna break up with him because I love him, he can be such a sweetheart to me, but I am unhappy, because of stuff like this. What do I do???
bluescreenlife Posted November 7, 2006 Posted November 7, 2006 so what you're saying is, he makes you conform to his schedule, prefers his friends over you, treats you unfairly, denies there's an issue / won't discuss it with you, and it's making you unhappy. It doesn't sound lame to be wondering what's up. I'd talk it over with him and make it clear that you need to be a higher priority in his life if he wants to keep you in it. I think he's taking you for granted, he fell asleep and needs a wake-up call. Give him a chance and if he keeps on snoring, find another bed...
Vai is god Posted November 7, 2006 Posted November 7, 2006 Its clear that he likes you, he wants you to stay there even if he's exhausted because he really enjoys your company..BUT i reckon there has to be compromise in any relationship..so how about this: 1. Take your h/w to his so that you can sit next to him on the couch and study..he gets to be with his girlfriend and you get some work done. Plus he might be sufficiently guilt tripped with your study motivation that he gets off his arse and takes you somewhere. 2. I dont think he prefers his friends over you, a mans friends are golddust but its a completely different one to the one you guys have, which is similarly irreplaceable. 3. Set a date for the following friday saying that you want to do something really special, plan a night for the two of you and make sure he knows how special it is to you. If he tries to blow it off this early on then he's being selfish and I would kick his ass for it, I LOVE it when my girlfriend organises something, cos I dont have to do anything AND i know that she wants me to be there. 4. If you are genuinely unhappy, DUMP him, if he wants you back he should have to show it - you seem to care about this relationship, SO should he.
Author putitwhere999 Posted November 8, 2006 Author Posted November 8, 2006 I feel I am the only one lately trying to organize stuff for us. I had to beg him to come to a halloween costume party that my boss was throwing, there were like 600 people there and it was alot of fun. He never asks me to go to movies, or dinner, unless his buddies want to go out and their girlfriends happen to be going along too. I want him to ask me to go out. I hate having to do all the work. I cook the food, I suprise him with gifts, I pick up stuff for him and he's never really quick to pay me back. He does, but it usually takes a little while and I don't like to be a pest about that stuff. See me and my boyfriend have had a crazy relationship. We both started dating each other about 6 months after we both got out of long term relationships. His girlfriend did a number on him because he dumped me twice in the beginnning of our relationship, because he didn't know if he could handle a girlfriend right now or not. He then later decided to move to florida and we got back together before he moved. He spent about 6 months down there til he came home for good. When he lived in Florida, he used to gush about how much he missed me and loved me, how important I was to him, and because he was too far for us to do normal couple things together, hearing his sweet words were enough. Now that he's been home for over a year, that's all I get, words. We do nothing but sit on his couch and I hate it. He barely ever even comes to my couch at my house. I have to beg him. I tried tonight to talk to him about last night and the whole going out with his friend, and he wouldn't do stuff like that with me, and he got an attitude with me. He says I never leave him alone about that stuff. I can't help it, it makes me feel sad and unwanted and left out. I don't know what to do, I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. What do I do?!?!?
Walk Posted November 8, 2006 Posted November 8, 2006 I think he's comfortable with the knowledge that you aren't ever going anywhere. He doesn't need to work to keep you because you'll be there. No matter what he does, or how he treats you. He might get an ear full once in a while, but other than that he gets pampered and treated like gold without having to really do anything. My suggestion: If "talk" isn't working, then action is required. You don't have to decide to dump him right this moment, but start living your own life. Put YOU first. Not him. At this time, he isn't doing anything to deserve to come first in your life. Everything, and everyone else comes at a higher priority to him then you do. Treat him the same. Don't put him first anymore. Go live your own life. Personally what I would do... I wouldn't go see him at all this week. I'd answer his calls, but I'd decline any invitation to watch him sleep. It would be different if this were a give and take kind of situation, but it's not. I would also plan out my weekend without him in it. I'd start calling up friends now and setting up something to do so you aren't "waiting" on your bf. Do those things you want to do, if he has something more interesting, then by all means hang out with him... but until he can show you he's interested in being a part of your life... then don't settle for just words. He needs a swift kick to the head (figuratively, not literally) and I think showing him that you do have a life and a desire to live it would be a good start. Stop waiting on him to wake up. Go live your life. If he wants to keep you, then he'll put in the effort to be a part of that life. But as it is now, all he's doing is the absolute minimum he's required to in order to keep you around. Set a higher standard, and back it up with actions. You've talked enough that he KNOWS what is needed. Now show him you mean it. You need to set the boundaries of what is acceptable to you. You aren't happy with how things are going, then YOU need to change things. If he doesn't wish to be a part of that change, then let him go. But YOU need this. You only get 1 life. Make the most of it. You can't ever recapture all those months of sitting on his couch waiting for nothing while he sleeps. You can't go back and relive your life... once it's gone, it's GONE. Stop letting him hold you down. You have to decide what is acceptable in your life. If you've tried every way you can think of to comprimise with him, and he refuses, then you are going to have to stand up for what you want. He'll figure it out when he realizes you're off having fun without him. If he wants to keep you in his life, then he'll work to do so.
Touche Posted November 8, 2006 Posted November 8, 2006 Walk said it all. That's my advice as well. I used to have a boyfriend like that a long time ago. My mother called him a "locker room boy." Those are boyfriends who pick their buddies over you. You're just there at their convenience. And they don't usually change. Your best bet though is to follow Walk's advice. He has no motivation to do anything differently now because he has things the way HE wants them. Stop treating him so well. He will notice. And hopefully change will follow.
Author putitwhere999 Posted November 9, 2006 Author Posted November 9, 2006 See, I don't like the whole, "stop visiting him, stop doing things for him" mentality only because, that is me. That's who I am. Even for the people at my work and my friends, I like doing things for them and making them happy. I feel in a way that i am playing games if I stop doing things that I would normally do. I always tell my boyfriend if there's a problem, and what he can do to fix it, lol , it's just a matter of making him actually listen to me and take my feelings into consideration. He's not an *******, I just think sometimes he's a little too self involved . I try getting him into what I'm saying by telling him it's about our relationship, because in a way it is. If I just become really unhappy, how much longer could I live like that and stay in the relationship? I just wanna feel like the relationship is 50/50, not 75/25. How do I open his ears?!?!?
Touche Posted November 9, 2006 Posted November 9, 2006 It shouldn't be 50/50. It should be 100/100. Do you see that? You EACH have to give 100%. And he's not even close. Of course you don't want to go against what comes naturally to you. Of course it will feel like a game. But you either do what we suggested or it gets worse until you break up. This way at least you MIGHT, might have a chance. But if you keep going the way you're going, you will keep getting what you've been getting. It's up to you.
Kamille Posted November 9, 2006 Posted November 9, 2006 My suggestion: If "talk" isn't working, then action is required. Brilliant Walk! See, I don't like the whole, "stop visiting him, stop doing things for him" mentality only because, that is me. That's who I am. Even for the people at my work and my friends, I like doing things for them and making them happy. I feel in a way that i am playing games if I stop doing things that I would normally do. I always tell my boyfriend if there's a problem, and what he can do to fix it, lol , it's just a matter of making him actually listen to me and take my feelings into consideration. He's not an *******, I just think sometimes he's a little too self involved . I try getting him into what I'm saying by telling him it's about our relationship, because in a way it is. If I just become really unhappy, how much longer could I live like that and stay in the relationship? I just wanna feel like the relationship is 50/50, not 75/25. How do I open his ears?!?!? You want things to change yet you don't want to change yourself. He is not going to do the work, especially if you put it as "being for the relationship". Careful, this is how many really great girlfriends get the nastiest of all nasty nicknames : Nag. See, from what little you've told us, it sounds like you're making your relationship the center of your life to at the price of your own happiness. But I do agree with you that you should be true to yourself. However, you do admit that you're not happy. So here is my opinion on how to go about putting yourself foward in the relationship: He's not going to change unless you do. So set YOUR priorities. You don't have to play games. You only have to be honest with him and with yourself. The fact is: you would rather go home and do homework. So go home and do homework. What do you think is going to happen? He'll get upset and leave you? Not likely. He'll just keep snoring and be that much happier to see you the day after. Not to mention, if you actually spend less time with him during the week, maybe he'll feel like seeing you on the weekend!
Touche Posted November 9, 2006 Posted November 9, 2006 I completely agree with Kamille. Especially on the part about the fact that you will STILL be true to yourself. You're just kind of changing your priorities a little bit and in doing so you stand a GOOD chance of having your b/f respond the way you want him to. But it's like I said before, if you continue to do what you've been doing you will continue to get what you've been getting..or NOT getting I should say. And how is THAT a good thing?
Author putitwhere999 Posted November 10, 2006 Author Posted November 10, 2006 I talked to him at his house about his job, because he blames his tiredness and laziness on his job. I explained to him that it's not fair that he expects me to pick up the slack because he is tired. It's his decision to do this job, not to mention it is a good paying position and he has all benefits, I would never ask him to quit, but I told him that if he is to continue in this position, he's still going to have to come to my house twice a week and I will come to his house twice a week. I suggested he come to my house on Mondays and Thursdays because I don't work those days. He said he will come but he won't be there for too long, because he needs to go to bed for work, I said that was fine, I just wanted the effort, I felt he was being unfair by expecting me to come to his house 4-5 times a week and he's only been to my house about twice in the last month. So we shall see how next monday goes.
Author putitwhere999 Posted November 10, 2006 Author Posted November 10, 2006 I talked to him at his house about his job, because he blames his tiredness and laziness on his job. I explained to him that it's not fair that he expects me to pick up the slack because he is tired. It's his decision to do this job, not to mention it is a good paying position and he has all benefits, I would never ask him to quit, but I told him that if he is to continue in this position, he's still going to have to come to my house twice a week and I will come to his house twice a week. I suggested he come to my house on Mondays and Thursdays because I don't work those days. He said he will come but he won't be there for too long, because he needs to go to bed for work, I said that was fine, I just wanted the effort, I felt he was being unfair by expecting me to come to his house 4-5 times a week and he's only been to my house about twice in the last month. So we shall see how next monday goes.
Touche Posted November 10, 2006 Posted November 10, 2006 Wow, good for you! That's the way it should have gone down from the very start. So did it feel unatural to you? Or did it feel like the fair thing to request of him? I hope the latter! Let us know how it goes, ok?
Walk Posted November 10, 2006 Posted November 10, 2006 ....a matter of making him actually listen to me and take my feelings into consideration. I just think sometimes he's a little too self involved I try getting him into what I'm saying by telling him it's about our relationship, because in a way it is. If I just become really unhappy, how much longer could I live like that and stay in the relationship? I just wanted to clarify. I really enjoy giving to people too, and I will over extend myself over and over for some one I love. But I had to learn to also give to myself as much as I would anyone else. Like studying... I need time for that. And if I place everyone above what I need, then I fail. And I'm no good to any one if I fail at my own life. Its not a game to me because all I'm doing is ensuring that my emotional/mental health is intact. And if my emotional/mental health is suffering, then I'm no good to those I love because I won't have what I need in order to help them in life. That's all I'm really suggesting when I say you need to go out and do those things you enjoy. Re-balance your life so that you can feel healthier on the inside, if your bf wishes to be a part of that, then great. But don't set YOUR needs aside in order to spend time with your bf. Relationships shouldn't be about the quantity of time you see each other, but the Quality of that time. It seems to me that right now, your relationship is based on "amount of time together". His quality time seems taken up by his friends, but not shared with you. And if I were in your shoes, I would rather have quality together, then quantity, especially if it meant I'd still get to see him and end up having more fun and less animosity when together. So, yeah.. I suggest that you two spend less time together, and then make that time you do spend together special. Otherwise you are going to start feeling resentful about the situation. Animosity over the fact that you could be doing something you would enjoy, or need to do. And over time, that animosity will block out the "loving" feeling you have for him.
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