norajane Posted November 7, 2006 Posted November 7, 2006 That's so hard to really believe though. Yet, it is the truth. Why is it easier for you to believe something that isn't true and has no basis in truth, than it is for you to believe the simplest truth of all? He does not know the stuff you don't tell him! You have never told him how much it bothers you that he goes away, so how is he supposed to know that's why you're upset? When you tell him you don't want to talk, how is he supposed to know that you really want him to call you? You are sending a lot of mixed messages that don't amount to anything a man can understand. I want to but first I want to tell him that it's his fault I haven't when I'm this unhappy because he keeps telling me I don't need to, sending me mixed messages when on the other hand he introduces me to a therapist. I can't take it any more.Oh, for Pete's sake, this has nothing to do with him and any mixed messages. HE HAS NO IDEA HOW F*CKED UP YOU ARE. If he did, he'd be driving you to a therapist every single day! He has no idea all the millions of little freaky thought going through your head because you never tell him a damn thing. You never tell him anything anyway, so I doubt you're ever going to say anything about him giving you mixed messages about therapy. Call the therapist and start going if you ever want to break your cycle of non-communication, paranoia, low self-esteem, bad relationships, and misery. It's not your bf's fault that you aren't going to a therapist - it is your own fault. It's your decision, not his. You are choosing not to go.
Author Fun2BMe Posted November 7, 2006 Author Posted November 7, 2006 I think Fun2BMe has a point - he did say he would take her with him, and he hasn't followed through on that "promise" (if that's what it was). Finally somebody understands. Why would he tell me this, more than once then not follow through with it and expect everything to be ok? He never said no you can't go after all. He said nothing except imply that I would not be going after more than once telling me I would. I can't let go of this. What could he be doing that I wouldn't be able to be there with him for? And if he ends up not calling me tonight I will really lose it.
whichwayisup Posted November 7, 2006 Posted November 7, 2006 Finally somebody understands. Why would he tell me this, more than once then not follow through with it and expect everything to be ok? He never said no you can't go after all. He said nothing except imply that I would not be going after more than once telling me I would. I can't let go of this. What could he be doing that I wouldn't be able to be there with him for? And if he ends up not calling me tonight I will really lose it. OK then when he calls, discuss this with him! Let him know that he has excluded you from his trip has hurt. Ask him why he kept on telling you he's going to take you and then decided he wouldn't. Find out why and see what he says.
Stunner Posted November 7, 2006 Posted November 7, 2006 i'm being serious... unfortunately, logic and emotion don't make good bedfellows. OMG, no kidding! I CANNOT see clearly in my relationship....it is too new and too strong. In a place where vulnerability meets common sense...for me anyway....vulnerability takes charge. Sweetie, you told him you 'don't feel good'...he probably thinks you are sick. IMO, you should try your best to get a hold of your emotions as difficult as it is. Maybe when you get home have a chat with him and just let him know how sad you feel when he's away. After all, you don't want to kill a good thing....it sounds like he does care. I wouldn't suggest ignoring his calls either. That's hurtful.
Author Fun2BMe Posted November 7, 2006 Author Posted November 7, 2006 OK then when he calls, discuss this with him! Let him know that he has excluded you from his trip has hurt. Ask him why he kept on telling you he's going to take you and then decided he wouldn't. Find out why and see what he says. Well I'm making a list of things that I hope to have the guts to go over with him such as why he didn't respond after I emailed that I wasn't doing too good, why he didn't email a song he said he would last week, why is it only after I stop answering the phone he suddenly has so much time to call me again and again. I doubt I'll bring all this up but I know I won't be able to bring up the other bigger issues. Knowing me I'll start apologizing for not having talked in so long and blame it on something stupid then wonder if he really doesn't know how I feel. How can I be with someone who doesn't sense my true feelings? I just hope he is going to call at this point.
whichwayisup Posted November 7, 2006 Posted November 7, 2006 If you can't communicate with him and tell him how you feel then there is no point of continuing a relationship with him. DO NOT APPOLOGIZE to him then. If you don't know what to say, say NOTHING. You both are reading eachother wrong, neither of you really know wtf is going through eachothers' minds...
InLimbo2 Posted November 7, 2006 Posted November 7, 2006 Good lord woman! I think one poster - norajane was it - was the only one not sugar-coating stuff. The man is away on business - it's his job - he didn't go away just to hurt you. If you can't be with a man that travels - then end your relationship and look for a guy that doesn't - but stop torturing the man for doing his job. If you want to go on his biz trips - just ask him - no implying, alluding, etc - sheesh - just be honest and forthright. You create a lose/lose situation for him - you miss him when he's gone - but then you ignore his calls - he worries - calls more - if he didn't call to find out if you were layin there dead you'd complain! How can he win? How can he 'do the right thing' in your mind? You set him up to fail. And this bit about 'sensing my true feelings' - what a load of bull. He's not a mind reader - particularly from a distance - no body language to gauge - and you are not communicating with him at all. Men are pretty simple creatures ( no offense guys) - they only rarely pick up on subtle - ask the average man and he would just love to have their woman just state things clearly - no guessing, no "if I have to tell you, it's not worth it", no 'chick trick questions'. Most men - if you tell them what it is you want - will be so happy to finally 'know' - they'll provide it. He didn't respond after you said you weren't doing to well because YOU told him you didn't want to talk - stop blaming him for not calling -and if you have changed your mind and want to talk - TELL HIM THAT. And blaming him for you not seein a therapist? Get real! And you aren't going to go pick him up at the airport when he's expecting you? You claim he doesn't show you love - how is that you showing love? He's been away long time and is expecting to spend that short layover time with you - and you won't? That's your love? Sounds like a hissy fit to me. I tell ya girl - I've dated men who've traveled on biz - a lot - it's never easy - but it's life and it's their career - and they don't have a choice - they can't say "sorry boss, can't go - gf will have a meltdown if I do". What I learned to do - taking responsibility for knowing myself - is tell my guy that I'm miserable when he's away - and I understand - but I'll need to do some 'whining' right before he goes - doesn't mean I don't love him, doesnt' mean I want to end things - just means I need to be heard and he needs to be empathetic - and that it wouldn't hurt to hear that he's missed me too. Be glad you are not in my shoes - my man is in 'one of those jobs' with the gov't that aren't talked about - he goes away on biz and he's totally 'off the grid' - no phone, no cell, no email, no net, no contact - period. He gives me a minimum time he'll be away - and a max time he'll be away - and I know I'll hear from him when he's back and it will be sometime in that span - up to 2 weeks so far - and usually when he gets back he can't even tell me where he was - and he can never tell me what he was doing or anything about the trip! Well I'm making a list of things that I hope to have the guts to go over with him such as why he didn't respond after I emailed that I wasn't doing too good, why he didn't email a song he said he would last week, why is it only after I stop answering the phone he suddenly has so much time to call me again and again. I doubt I'll bring all this up but I know I won't be able to bring up the other bigger issues. Knowing me I'll start apologizing for not having talked in so long and blame it on something stupid then wonder if he really doesn't know how I feel. How can I be with someone who doesn't sense my true feelings? I just hope he is going to call at this point.
Wantingtogetitright Posted November 7, 2006 Posted November 7, 2006 I am a little distressed by this whole thread, someone is getting themselves worked up into such a state because their boyfriend has to go away for business. Fun do you have a job, do you have other friends, it sounds like all you do is sit around and wait for him. Get out and enjoy yourself. Yes you miss him, and yes you are gonna miss him, each and every time, which is a good thing cos if you didn't care you wouldn't miss him. But sheesh I really do not understand why him being away for a few days or a couple of weeks is causing you so much anxiety. Sounds like the poor bloke needs to be a flippin mind reader. Sorry if this sounds harch but imagine it frm his point of view. How much better would it be for him to know how much you miss him, tell him what you have been up to when he is away, even if it is just shopping or watching a movie, coffee with your mates etc he'll miss not being there with you for any of that and then how happy he will be to get home to you and you to have him home etc etc. Here's a thing to share, pick a TV show that you both enjoy and then talk on the phone whilst watching it together. At the moment all he seems to be getting is grief for having to do his job and what he is gonna cop when he gets back. I think you are setting yourself up on the path to destruction and will lose this guy unless you buck yourself up.
westernxer Posted November 7, 2006 Posted November 7, 2006 He's the one ruining my life by going away. Should he quit his job then?
Author Fun2BMe Posted November 7, 2006 Author Posted November 7, 2006 I think all of the feedback is helpful. At least the thought that he really might not know what's going through my head makes me feel better. Otherwise I am getting upset that he knows yet acts like he doesn't or doesn't do anything about it. So I've been sitting home all night waiting for him to maybe and hopefully call otherwise it would be the first night he hasn't since he left. After he left me a message in the morning and afternoon, I had emailed him that I don't want to talk. So finally he just emailed back thanking me for my email because he was worried about me, that if I am having any problems I could talk to him about it or that this might be a good time for me to see a therapist, he misses talking to me. If he's been calling me so often, now that I tell him something's wrong, he resorts to email? Yes I did tell him I don't feel like talking but I don't know, I'd think he'd want to call to check up on me. And now that my emotions are more directly effecting him, so now he says to see a therapist whereas when I was still there for him but was feeling miserable, he thought I didn't need to see one. I don't know. I think I should sleep on it and maybe can make some sense out of things tomorrow.
magichands Posted November 7, 2006 Posted November 7, 2006 So finally he just emailed back thanking me for my email because he was worried about me, that if I am having any problems I could talk to him about it or that this might be a good time for me to see a therapist, he misses talking to me. If he's been calling me so often, now that I tell him something's wrong, he resorts to email? Well...maybe now he knows you are okay he has gone for the scaredy-cat approach. I think I should sleep on it and maybe can make some sense out of things tomorrow. Good idea. Sweet dreams.
norajane Posted November 7, 2006 Posted November 7, 2006 Well...maybe now he knows you are okay he has gone for the scaredy-cat approach. Or he's respecting her desire NOT to talk, which is what she said she wanted.
magichands Posted November 7, 2006 Posted November 7, 2006 Or he's respecting her desire NOT to talk, which is what she said she wanted. I'm all for respecting desires.
lovelorcet Posted November 7, 2006 Posted November 7, 2006 norajane is right on the money but fun refuses to see this. Fun, this is your fault, you could have delt with this before he left but you didn't. You made your bed to lie in....
magichands Posted November 7, 2006 Posted November 7, 2006 You made your bed to lie in.... And if he had any sense he'd be lying in it too.
lovelorcet Posted November 7, 2006 Posted November 7, 2006 No, if she was really honest with him he would run for the hills. She knows this and is therefore maintaining her web of lies where at the same time tries to push the blame on to him.
InLimbo2 Posted November 7, 2006 Posted November 7, 2006 Girl - you are setting him up to fail again. He's shown he cares, that he was worried about you - and he's respecting that you don't want to talk to him. He says you can talk to him about what's going on - but you won't talk to him. He suggests a therapist and you get ticked - duh - you are upset - you won't talk to him - he wants you to have some help. Maybe this has made him finally see that you need professional help - the people posting here have figured that out. You really really just need to let it all out to this man - tell him the truth - about everything. I know it's hard - been there, done that myself. The relationship I'm currently in is the most open and honest one I've had in 45 years - I'm safe to tell him anything -and talk about the tough stuff. I know I read you are afraid of coming off too needy or clingy and will make him run. Well - if you continue the way you are - he's gonna run anyway - then you'll be on here miserable and tryin to find ways to get him back. And - if he can't accept you for who you really are - good and bad - it will never work - you can't keep up a false front the rest of your life. And - please - get some professional help - for you. So finally he just emailed back thanking me for my email because he was worried about me, that if I am having any problems I could talk to him about it or that this might be a good time for me to see a therapist, he misses talking to me. If he's been calling me so often, now that I tell him something's wrong, he resorts to email? Yes I did tell him I don't feel like talking but I don't know, I'd think he'd want to call to check up on me. And now that my emotions are more directly effecting him, so now he says to see a therapist whereas when I was still there for him but was feeling miserable, he thought I didn't need to see one. I don't know. I think I should sleep on it and maybe can make some sense out of things tomorrow.
a4a Posted November 7, 2006 Posted November 7, 2006 Fun you amaze me. I don't feel like talking = why won't he talk to me He is not psychic, he cannot read your mind. He went away on business and you did not protest this trip or the one coming up. Did you want to go with him on the second one...... ? THEN YOU HAVE TO FRUCKIN' SAY SO TO HIM!! I would not be surprised if he just gives up on you at this point which is probably best for both of you. Fun you are mean. Plain mean to this guy. You toy with him. Maybe you better call him now because I doubt too many men are going to put up with your crap on a long term basis like he has. They might use you for a hole, but they will not be willing to have a real relationship with a person that is all over the map and has zero empathy for them. Go to the therapist NOW! This guy is going to get sick of your games, chasing you, and just plain putting up with your selfish ways. You are selfish...... this whole trip is about you. You are making it about you, ruining a great experience for him by playing games. Eventually he will never call again...... and I say "good for you buddy". Go to the therapist and you need to find out why you play these games.
DanielMadr Posted November 7, 2006 Posted November 7, 2006 My bf is away on a long trip and it has turned me into a wreck. You turned yourself into a wreck. Some people do this....they miss suffering and pain so they invent one out of nothing. Emotional stability is appreciated comodity in women. Try to grab some. Just tell him you are fool....or he will be thinking you are flaky, weirdo.
Walk Posted November 7, 2006 Posted November 7, 2006 If he's been calling me so often, now that I tell him something's wrong, he resorts to email? YOU chose the medium in which to "talk". You chose email. He is replying to your choice in communication. The only option for communication you gave him was email. You wouldn't answer his phone calls. He isn't "resorting" to email. You resorted to email when you refused to answer his calls, and you would only email him. And now that my emotions are more directly effecting him, so now he says to see a therapist whereas when I was still there for him but was feeling miserable, he thought I didn't need to see one. He didn't know you were miserable before. He didn't know what was going through your head. He's suggestion you go talk to someone now because you refuse to talk to him. He's trying to offer you an alternative. He knows something is wrong, but he doesn't know what it is, or what to do. YOU won't talk to him. So he offers an alternative for you. Someone else you can talk to if you won't talk to him. He's not saying your F'ed up, or giving mixed signals. He's saying that if you won't talk to him, and something is obviously wrong, then go talk to that other guy. Because bottom line is, he wants you happy. If he can't help, or rather, you won't let him help, then he's tells you to talk to the therapist in hopes that will help make you happy again. I think he just wants you to be happy. He can't help you because you refuse to let him in. Call the therapist. Set up an appointment for today.
beatlebob Posted November 7, 2006 Posted November 7, 2006 All your threads seem to blame this guy for your problems. He doesn't make you feel bad, you do it to yourself. You're basically screwing yourself over. You seem to need constant attention. A couple of LS posters giving you a continuous pity party isn't going to help you. Why not give therapy a shot?
alphamale Posted November 7, 2006 Posted November 7, 2006 Should he quit his job then? thats funny WEST....if he continues his job he makes F2BM unhappy, if he quits his job he has no money and then also makes F2BM unhappy... what a conundrum!
Author Fun2BMe Posted November 8, 2006 Author Posted November 8, 2006 YOU chose the medium in which to "talk". You chose email. He is replying to your choice in communication. The only option for communication you gave him was email. You wouldn't answer his phone calls. He isn't "resorting" to email. You resorted to email when you refused to answer his calls, and you would only email him. He didn't know you were miserable before. He didn't know what was going through your head. Well that does make sense if you put it that way. Thanks for clearing that up for me, one less thing to stress over.
Author Fun2BMe Posted November 8, 2006 Author Posted November 8, 2006 Girl - you are setting him up to fail again. He's shown he cares, that he was worried about you - and he's respecting that you don't want to talk to him. He says you can talk to him about what's going on - but you won't talk to him. He suggests a therapist and you get ticked - duh - you are upset - you won't talk to him - he wants you to have some help. Maybe this has made him finally see that you need professional help - the people posting here have figured that out. I don't understand the setting him up to fail, and again? When was the first time? Why is it about him and him failing when he's the one hurting me. If he was so worried about me, then why does he pretend he doesn't know what's bothering me? It's all him that's bothering me, yet he's going to act dumb about it and send me off to a therapist? I will copy/paste his email below, you can see how he hints that it could be him I'm upset at without flat out volunteering that it is, even asking about another issue if that's what's bothering me! And I'm supposed to go along with it and think he doesn't know how miserable he's making me by leaving me for all these weeks. See for yourself. ------------ "fun", Thank you so much for your email. I was very worried about you.....I hope I haven't offended you.....You are always welcome to talk to me about any problems.....(I hope I'm not the problem)......I look forward to talking to you just as soon as you feel like talking....... Anything I can do....just ask....and I'll try if possible.......anything new with (an issue i'm having at work)? Is that been bothering you allot? Could be a good time to try and see the therapist..... Miss talking to you.... "x" You really really just need to let it all out to this man - tell him the truth - about everything. No way, at least not any time soon. That would be adding more to the mix when I can't even deal with what's currently going on. I can only take on so much. If he doesn't call again tonight I will be very surprised and disappointed, and at the same time I wonder if I should start dating someone else. I can't continue feeling this way.
Wantingtogetitright Posted November 8, 2006 Posted November 8, 2006 what is the issue here - that he is away on business and you aren't coping with the seperation? or have I missed something here?
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