B/F has lots of G/F's???

[Isabella82]

I think jealously might destroy my relationship with my current boyfriend and with all men for that matter. I have been cheated on before and have basically been abandoned from another ex. So I have trust issues when it comes to relationships.

 

The problem is that my boyfriend has a lot of female friends. He used to go to college in CA and the population was mostly female. He also had a long term relationship with someone who lived an hour away and she didn't mind his relationships with other females.

 

Now I live an hour and a half away from him, we see eachother on weekends, but me not being there and him having all these friends who are girls is driving me crazy.

 

I have been told by many guys that women and men can not have a regular normal friendship without there being something more, and I personally have never had a male friend who didn't want to jump me. So I am just having a hard time with this.

 

He thinks it is ridiculous that I want him to choose between me and his female friends. He told me to just trust him, and that he would never cheat on a girl, especially one that he plans on marrying. Please help me before I destroy this relationship.

 

Do you think it is fine for women and men to have a friendship, if that is even possible???

[Aloros]

I think it depends on the guy/girl. My bf has a lot of female friends, but as a girl with a lot of male friends, I understand you can be friends with a member of the opposite sex without wanting to jump their bones.

 

It comes down to trust. How does he treat you? Do you trust him when he says he wouldn't cheat on you? You can either choose to trust him or choose not to trust him. If you choose to trust him, then let him have his friends. If you choose not to, then you should end it. It's impossible to have a relationship in which there is no trust.

 

Do you think if maybe you met/befriended these friends you would feel more comfortable? Seeing the way they interact with your boyfriend could help to put you at ease.

 

I personally would be outraged if my SO asked me to choose between my male friends and him. It's not fair. There shouldn't have to be a choice.

[sb129]

Hey Isabella- I just posted this on another ladies thread- similar kind of problem to what you are saying. My advice to her was as follows:

 

"I was in a relationship with a guy who hated me having male friends (even though I have a couple of fantastic PLATONIC relationships with men).

He was so jealous it became a poisonous seed which eventually contributed to our relationship break up. I lost contact with some of my male friends while I was with that guy...but now we are better friends than ever, and the guy is history.

 

Don't try and come between your guy and his friends (male or female). Its a recipe for fights, tears and you will not win. Why don't you try and get to know some of them? Chances are you will have something in common and you may even gain some friends as well".

 

YES it is normal and healthy for males and females to have platonic friendships. Sex doesn't have to get in the way.

 

Good luck!

[Isabella82]

The reason why I think I have a problem with it is about 7 months ago I saw some pretty inappropriate things he wrote on his friends facebook, which is just like a myspace. He has since stopped and apologized and told me he was just joking around.

 

He now says that I have to trust him and forgive him for what he did before, that they were all jokes and I shouldn't take it that way. It is just hard for me because after I read those comments I just felt like he was a big flirt. I don't want to let him go, especially if thats all that it was were just jokes.

 

These girls that he was joking around with live 2000 miles away so obviously nothing could happen anyway, but still makes me have trust issues with him

[nicki]

Um, if he was being flirty with them, then I don't blame you for not trusting him.

 

With a female friend, there is always a possibility of it being more. That's why we women get nervous about the whole idea.

 

And then he goes and says flirty things. Would he say these things to a male friend? NO! So, it makes you think he is after these female friends, or at least putting out some bait for them.

 

No way. I don't like my boyfriends to have female friends, unless I hang around with them too and they become my new friends.

 

I did have an ex who had a female friend and I never worried about it...because I was always invited, and because I never witnessed anything flirty or sexual between them. They were like brother and sister. I also knew about all their conversations...full disclosure is needed to ensure trust...

 

I don't think this guy being flirty is a good sign. What did he say to these so called "friends." Some guys think female friends are just females they haven't slept with yet....what do you think?

[Isabella82]

One time they were having a cowgirl party, and he commented Can I be the horse? Another time he had a picture up of my shirt that spelled out our college on it, and it was basically my chest, and one of his girlfriends said nice chest, and he said I'll show you mine if you show me yours. Another comment was about how his bike missed her ass (I guess they used to ride together a lot)

 

I was very upset and he said he was sorry and that they were inappropriate. He has this one friend of his for years and years and I like her I know her pretty well nothing is between them, but she wears a ring that he gave her as a frienship. He sent the girls in CA flowers for Valentines Day (a group of 4 got one dozen roses)

 

It is just sad because I love him a lot, and if we broke up it would be really hard for me. I want to believe that he is just joking around with these girls. All of these comments were to girls again that live 2000+ miles away, but he has friends that are girls here too.

[IpAncA]

Yeah I would feel uneasy about it too, especially if he's sending them things or giving them rings. Does he still do that now or was this before you were dating?

 

I think that guys and girls can have friends of the opposite sex but there needs to be boundries when your dating or married to someone else. To much temptation can happen and opps...someone slips and then you end up posting on here about them cheating or what not.

 

Now I do have guy friends and I have ones that I've known since I can remember. One of them is even like my brother. My H however doesn't like it much but he doesn't say that I can't be friends with them. I have assured him that nothing would happen and he said that he knows that wouldn't but he just doesn't trust them. In his opinion he doesn't think that I should be with any other guy alone unless it's him as I feel the same way about him with his female friends.

[lindya]

It's a tricky one. People are expected to have trust in their partners, but most of us spend our lives having to balance the desire to trust others with the realisation that trust does sometimes get breached - even by those you love. Or to be more brief, finding a decent middle ground between being starry eyed naivety and hard cynicism.

 

Opposite sex friends certainly can muddy the waters of a relationship - particularly if there are elements of chemistry demonstrated by flirtatious behaviour. I've been in that situation where a bf's female friend has flirted fairly blatantly with him in front of me.

 

How do you deal with your feelings about someone you love having this kind of flirtatious friendship? I still don't know the answer to that. My approach was to let him know I was feeling a bit insecure about the situation. His response was to sleep with her, then tell me that it was my fault for not fully trusting him.

 

A bit of a horrible chicken and egg situation really, because yes, I did have some uncomfortable feelings about the friendship so you could describe that as lack of trust perhaps. On the other hand I trusted him enough to admit that I was feeling insecure, and it backfired. Nonetheless, in the same situation I'd do it again (ie talk about how it was making me feel).

 

If the relationship is strong, it should be able to withstand that kind of discussion - provided you approach it calmly so that it doesn't turn into an argument. If it backfires, I guess that speeds up the process of finding out that the relationship isn't as strong as you would hope.

[Kittiecat]

I just don't buy into the male/female "platonic" friendship thing. A few years ago I broke up with a guy over his female friend (who, coincidentally, he used to sleep with). Gee, imagine that.

 

I guess I'm just a jealous psycho. Oh well.

 

Anyway - Isabella, if those are jokes, they're total a-hole jokes. Listen to your intuition. Is he secretive about his female friends? Does he get extremely defensive when you question him about these ladies?

[Pyro]

Is he secretive about his female friends? Does he get extremely defensive when you question him about these ladies?

 

These two questions will usually tell you what the guys intentions are with his female friends.

 

I personally think that a guy is able to have female friends, but from what I read on here, that seems to be a rarity.

[Kittiecat]

I personally think that a guy is able to have female friends, but from what I read on here, that seems to be a rarity.

 

It's a rarity for a guy to have female friends without complications.

[Pyro]

It's a rarity for a guy to have female friends without complications.

 

Sad but true. I see it all the time.

[sb129]

I have loads of male friends.... It is possible. At least for me anyway. Sex has never been an issue.

 

Sorry to hear about your bad experiences though guys.

[magichands]

I have loads of male friends.... It is possible. At least for me anyway. Sex has never been an issue.

Are they all gay??!!

[the_alchemyst]

I think your feelings are justified. Yet please consider that if you place him in the position where he has to chose between either yourself or his (female) friends, he may become resentful for it towards you.

 

Or he may end up chosing them. I know several guys who feel that any girl who makes them chose them (the girl) over his friends, of either sex, is too "psycho" and/or not worth being with in a relationship.

 

I personally don't agree with this, though, and tend to believe that while it is possible for a male and a female to simply be "just friends" (and both are heterosexual), it is, as some other have already said, extremely rare.

 

I know from first hand experience how rare it is, even: Every male friend I have had (and I mean friend, friend, and not just some guy I hang out with once ever two months or something) has always developed "feelings" for me.

 

One of them was even one of my exbf's best friends. I remember friending him in an attempt to try to be more active in my exbf's social life, since he once reprimanded me for my "neglect" of it. He was a nice guy and after some months, I considered him my friend. He then proceeded to tell me he "liked" me, however, so that friendship went down the drain, as did his friendship with my exbf after he found out.

 

Another example is that there was this "girl" (!@#$%^&*) who my exbf hung out with. He hung out mostly with other guys, but sometimes other girls would tag along with him and them. This girl, though, I later learned refered to him and two other guys as her "boys." And he had pictures of them three, and some even of my exbf by himself (and she even had the audacity to place a freaking heart next to the title of it, which read "my husband"). I don't know what the hell that was about. I don't think I want to know.

 

Anyway, my exbf never made any mention of any of them and when I would ask him about other chicks, he would always say that he "didn't even talk to any girls." Liar.

 

For a while I felt that he was attracted to this girl specifically, but he always swore he loved me. Liar. Again.

 

In retrospect, I don't think he would ever cheat on me, physically. But I think he would emotionally. And I think he did, even.

 

So, that's my experience with that. Blah.

[magichands]

I know from first hand experience how rare it is, even: Every male friend I have had (and I mean friend, friend, and not just some guy I hang out with once ever two months or something) has always developed "feelings" for me.

I guess a lot of guys see friendship as a way in. Bastards.

[burning 4 revenge]

It's a rarity for a guy to have female friends without complications.

I agree, but it isn't that all guys have mischiefous intentions. It's just too easy once that intimacy has been established for certain feelings to develop.

I think it's easy to be acquiantances, or have light friendships with the opposite sex, but if it starts becoming a little too close I think it's only natural that one may develop emotional longings for the other, or both might.

 

It isn't that all these guys are opportunistic bastards.

[magichands]

I agree, but it isn't that all guys have mischiefous intentions. It's just too easy once that intimacy has been established for certain feelings to develop.

I think it's easy to be acquiantances, or have light friendships with the opposite sex, but if it starts becoming a little too close I think it's only natural that one may develop emotional longings for the other, or both might.

 

It isn't that all these guys are opportunistic bastards.

Excellently put.

[Isabella82]

Yeah so I talked to my b/f about it, and he said that he was asking all his friends about the same thing. And I guess they all think I am crazy! LOL But like I said they do not all know the whole story about all his little comments he has written to his other friends who were girls.

 

So, I told him that I don't mind him having friends who are girls as long as they do not hang out alone. He said of course not, that is more like a date. They can either hang out in groups or with me, and he said that he understood that. I made the exception on one of his friends, just because they are more like brother and sister so I said except for her, because I actually know her.

 

We came to an understanding, and he basically said that if I have already forgiven him for flirting with those other girls, then I need to trust him, and that if I didn't that I needed to leave.

 

I agree, I don't want to be in a relationship where I can not trust the person, but since we came to the agreement and understanding I think we can work everything out.

 

Thanks everyone for your input. He told me maybe I should have guy friends so that I can see that there is not much more then that. I have had guy friends but most of them have always tried to be with me.