Guest Posted November 6, 2006 Posted November 6, 2006 So I just ended it with my g/f of 2 1/2 years. she is a beautiful person, she's smart, funny and was willing to do anything for me. The one thing that pushed me over the edge was that she had a seemingly sense of disrespect towards me. she would never say anything to intentionally hurt me, but things she would say or do would hurt. This past weekend we had a little argument and i realized that i couldn't see my self with her for the rest of my life. The next day, as hard as it was, I ended it. i do still care for her, but it is just not a relationship that will make me stronger or happier. I know that life isn't always about being happy, but at the same time, why not try to be happy as much as possible. So I break up with her at her place and as soon as i left, i immediatley felt like i made a mistake. i drove home and just sat and reflected upon my decision. I know that we had great...no...amazing times together, but that sense of disrepect was too much for me to handle. I know i'm not a perfect person, but is it right for her to treat me like crap...ever? personally i don't think so. Later on that night we spoke on the phone and it was the most difficult thing i had ever done. she told me how much she loved me and how she would do anything to get me back. things ranging from cooking more often to buying a puppy to loosing weight(which she doesn't have to do at all). she started crying and it just tore me apart. i still care for her so much and I do love her, but i don't think we should be together. should i talk to her still? she wants to go to a movie tonight (one day later) as just friends, but i told her no. another thing, she keeps on asking me why i broke up with her. I tell her that i just wasn't happy. she wants me to give her reasons, but i am refusing because i know she is hurting a thousand times more than i am and i don't want to add to the pain by pointing out her flaws. i know she has a right to know, but she is so delicate that any more bad news would just destroy her. -Please give me some advice! how do i handle this? do i talk to her and just suck up the pain? should i give it a week or so? do i send her flowers apologizing for the pain i've caused her? please give me as much advice as you can!
bchlvr Posted November 7, 2006 Posted November 7, 2006 You and your gf have been together for a significant amount of time. If the main issue for you is feeling disrespected by her, what is the real motivation behind not being upfront with her about it? If it is hard to disclose, that's understandable. But perhaps talking with a professional third party (counselor, good friend) could help you both before you determine that the relationship needs to end. If you are certain however, be honest with her. Give her the respect she deserves to be able to grieve and move on with as little complication as possible. If she is left wondering what went wrong....was it this....or, was it that... then I don't believe you are sparing her unnecessary hurt and pain, but contributing to it. I commend you for doing the right thing and having the conversation with her face to face. My ex ended the relationship via e-mail. Ugh.
D-Lish Posted November 7, 2006 Posted November 7, 2006 Sometimes it really helps a person through a break up to be forthcoming with the reasons for ending things. You can do this gently. She may not have realized she was disrespectful. Saying to someone "hey, I don't like it when you talk that way to me"...or "That hurts me when you do that"... are important to communicate to a partner. I'm perplexed as to why you didn't alert her to how she was making you feel, and instead chose to just break up with her. My ex did the same thing to me. He was angry and frustrated by some of the ways I was acting and never brought it up with me. When he broke up with me he spewed a long list of things he hated about me... but he had never mentioned those things when we were together. You know what? I truly loved him, and if he had have spoken up, I would have really worked on changing the things that bothered him. It sucks he never gave me that opportunity. Like I said- why didn't you feel you could have a heart to heart conversation with her about how she was making you feel? I bet it would have made a difference. But, if it truly is over for you- it might help her to have closure if you talk honestly and sincerely with her about where you felt things went wrong. Otherwise she will go crazy trying to figure it out. If you truly care for her, you owe her that explanation. It may help her in her future relationships to understand how her disrespectfulness impacts others. Something you might take away from this is to voice your needs and expectations more clearly in your next relationship. When somethng's bothering you- tell the person, talk to them about it... see if there's something you can do to make changes so that the relationship is more healthy and positive. Make sense? D
Guest Posted November 7, 2006 Posted November 7, 2006 Sometimes it really helps a person through a break up to be forthcoming with the reasons for ending things. You can do this gently. She may not have realized she was disrespectful. Saying to someone "hey, I don't like it when you talk that way to me"...or "That hurts me when you do that"... are important to communicate to a partner. I'm perplexed as to why you didn't alert her to how she was making you feel, and instead chose to just break up with her. My ex did the same thing to me. He was angry and frustrated by some of the ways I was acting and never brought it up with me. When he broke up with me he spewed a long list of things he hated about me... but he had never mentioned those things when we were together. You know what? I truly loved him, and if he had have spoken up, I would have really worked on changing the things that bothered him. It sucks he never gave me that opportunity. Like I said- why didn't you feel you could have a heart to heart conversation with her about how she was making you feel? I bet it would have made a difference. But, if it truly is over for you- it might help her to have closure if you talk honestly and sincerely with her about where you felt things went wrong. Otherwise she will go crazy trying to figure it out. If you truly care for her, you owe her that explanation. It may help her in her future relationships to understand how her disrespectfulness impacts others. Something you might take away from this is to voice your needs and expectations more clearly in your next relationship. When somethng's bothering you- tell the person, talk to them about it... see if there's something you can do to make changes so that the relationship is more healthy and positive. Make sense? D Thanks D, unfortunatly I have mentioned to her (on numerous occasions) that her lack of respect was driving me insane. When we first had the talk, there was no immediate change and actually none at all. A few weeks went by and i told her that i can't be in a relationship like that...she impoved for a while, and she improved a lot. but little by litte as the weeks and months went on, it just got worse and worse.
D-Lish Posted November 8, 2006 Posted November 8, 2006 Okay then, if you talked to her about it and she made no effort to change, then you are doing the right thing by breaking up with her. You gave her the opportunity to work on the relationship, and she didn't do anything on her end to make things better.... So you can walk away from this knowing you did what you needed to do to make things work. It's too bad she didn't make an effort. Sorry, I just assumed from your post you didn't communicate your feelings to her. D
bchlvr Posted November 8, 2006 Posted November 8, 2006 Guest, I too assumed you didn't communicate your feelings to her. Sorry.
daphne Posted November 8, 2006 Posted November 8, 2006 Guest, We're only getting one side of the story of course but I'm sorry to hear about your situation. You obviously really care about this girl and it's not an easy decision. But I think that ultimately you made the right choice, even though you're struggling with it. It's not like you're thinking the grass is greener. The way she's behaving is making you unhappy and you've already told her how it makes you feel. I think that at some point you should tell her as gently as possible. That's teh only way she'll understand what happened and maybe change it. I know I couldn't live with someone I felt was disrespecting me. You're handling things well and you're taking care of yourself. Don't beat yourself up over this. You'll be fine.
Ssheena Posted November 8, 2006 Posted November 8, 2006 I'm curious as to know what exactly you thought she was being disrespectful of? Can you give an example? I ask because I lost a lot of respect for my x because of some of the stupid stuff he used to do. Like let his cell phone minutes run out and not have a way for anybody (like his blind father or his sister who watches over his hospitalized mother or me) to get ahold of him. In a case like I mentioned, that is, imho, justified loss of respect. If you would care to share, I'd appreciate it.
SoundedPlum Posted November 11, 2006 Posted November 11, 2006 You should tell her the real reasons you broke up with her... she hasn't found closure yet, and by you not telling her she's hanging on which REALLY hurts. She's wondering what went wrong and yes it'll hurt like hell when you tell her but then she'll get over it... Give her closure now and just TELL her, especially when she's ASKING you to.. it's sort of unfair that you won't give her the reasons why... not that you're doing it intentionally, but she's just confused, i assume...
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