What have I gotten myself into.

[foolish23321]

I am an educated woman with great common sense. I am asking for your help. What have I gotten myself into? I am a married woman, he is a married man. We were in love when we were children, you know puppy love. We both lived overseas, military background. He moved away, I moved away. In my young mind I was devastated.

 

Presumably so was he. Years later, after high school I had become pregnant, married at 18. He went on to college, picked his career. We met up, intenitonally, I got in touch with his mother, we dated again, he wasnt ready to be a dad to children that were not his, he let me go. Again, I was devastated. I thought of him everyday for ten years, I am 30 years old.

 

I am onto my second marriage, nothing had compared to him, but I was happy, content, good kids, no money problems, husband that loves me more than anything in this world. Now he is back in my life again, due to the abudance of info you can find online, Myspace of course.

 

He found me, was nice at first nostalgic, then he started telling me all the things I had hoped he had felt all those years ago, and how talking to me brought all those feelings back, its been 6 months, we talk everyday, now we are argue everyday, as we both feel as though we have missed out, that we really were meant to be together.

 

But what now, now you have these feelings for someone, he does as well. Do you act on it, so far we haev both backed out on each other numerous times. To think it could actually work, he claims to love me, I know I have always loved him. But would it be a disaster again if we were to act on it.

 

We had reason to seperate, all good reason, reason that would not pertain to now. It would work now. But how, wiithout hurting two completely innocent people, who probably love us very deeply. We have both supposedly tried to end it, but we end up calling, texting, emailing, we haev both been caught, and both spouses have basically forbid us from communicating, i have never been in this situation before, and have no idea what step to make next.

 

I love him, but is it just nostalgia, we have never fought, its always been good. I think thats why its so tempting... A confused soul....

[Bryanp]

You are actually thinking of destroying a good family and good relationship with your husband and children for a fantasy. How would you feel if your husband was emotionally cheating on you the way you are cheating on him? Why don't you tell your husband what you have been doing for the past 6 months and allow him to decide what he wishes to do in the future without you completely manipulating him like you have been doing behind his back?

[foolish23321]

Due to your previous post, I believe no one is perfect. My husband is certainly not, happy, I said, not perfect. Good to me, not perfect. I know I am wrong. My husband does know I have an emotional connection with someone, he chooses to work it out. I am the one who does not know if I want to work it out.

[Bryanp]

Fair enough. I assumed from your previous post that he was happy and adored you but you say this is not the case.

Your husband does know that you have this emotional connection with someone else and he chooses to stay with you. In this case then it is really up to you to decide what you wish to do. Do you think marriage counseling or individual therapy would be of help? If you and your husband are really unhappy and you really think you can have a better future with someone else then you certainly have that right to follow what you think is best; but just be really really careful that you won't be trading down from what you have. I wish you luck.

[Kinger25]

OK. Sometimes we do develop feelings for other people, whether we are already in relationships or not. Its human nature and nearly everyone finds themselves falling for someone that they shouldn't do at one point or time in their lives. What you must remember though is that YOU have control over your feelings. I dont mean that you can make yourself stop loving this MM but you can certainly stop yourself leaving your Husband and children for him if you so wish. Now I'm not saying that I think you should or shouldn't leave your H, at the end of the day only you can decide that. I believe if something is meant to happen it will and if you are meant to be with this MM then maybe you will. What I do 100% disagree with however is cheating on your H. YOU married your H and YOU made the promise that you would love him through thick and thin, richer for poorer blah blah. You MUST NOT cheat on your H with this MM. If you want to be with him then finish your marriage FIRST. I want you to think very carefully before you decide to destroy everything that you have built up with your H and children. I mean, you dont know what this MM is like anymore. Yes you knew him when you were younger but you dont know him now. He may to you seem like the perfect man but are you going to love him for all of his flaws (we've all got them). He may be a really genuine person but what if he is stringing you along or what if you decide to be with him and he turns out to not be a nice person at all. You are to a certain extent fantasizing about what your MM is like and you may be in for a shock if you ditch everything to be with him. I expect his current wife may be able to fill you in on a few of his less attractive quirks. Look, I think you just need to work out what you want before you make any rash decisions. You need to communicate with your husband and try and resolve any outstanding issues between you two. I agree with Bryan, what about marriage counselling?"

[foolish23321]

This situation is hard, one of the most difficult in my life. I hear all sides, I know the obvious answers. Its foolish, heartbreaking and most of all non-fullfilling. But its terrible. I know what to do, but how do you make this other person go away. I know I cant make the thoughts of him go away, I dont know how to make him go away. Some days i want him to go away, and some days I wish he would call, write, text... Seriously, its fantasy. I know this, I imagine if I spoke to his wife show would let me know all his hang ups, and no I dont believe he is perfect either. I guess I really dont know, if he spoke to my H, he would certainly let him know all of my flaws. I know what to do, its executing it that is the problem... Thank you for your advice, thats why I'm here, another perspective. I have not cheated per say, not physically. Does he fill my thoughts daily, yes, do I dream of him, yes, do I love my H, yes, very much. I am a selfish woman. This I already know. Because he has a great career, a glorified social life, a life that I know could be mine, instead of the boring mundane domestic bliss I am living in, which up until he contacted me I was content with. Fantasy. I know. Thank you again.

[InaPanic]

foolish, you are in such a hard position right now. all the advice i can say to you is think long & think hard before you turn it into a physical affair. I had one recently that began emotional & escalated into physical. Though emotional is wrong it's not nearly as hard to live with as when you actually have sex with another man. I am living with the pain i have caused my husband & myself everyday due to my foolishness. Had i not crossed that line? Well, it would still have been hard but not nearly as hard as it is.

 

Also, you sound like me in that you realize it is a fantasy & that this person is not perfect but it is still hard to stop. He has become an addiction to you the past 6 months, having him in your life everyday. After discovering the truths of my OM (who was not married) it has made me a bit paranoid about online meeting (even tho i know you didn't meet him online) & myspace, etc. What if he is a player? What if he is just trying to mess around with you? I know you don't want to hear that. God! I didn't either. It hurt to bad to think I was being played. In my case, it was the thrill of the chase for the OM. I found out i was #3 out of 3 married women he had persued. ONce he got me, he lost interest. Thank God i noticed this before i did anything drastic like leave my husband for this guy. I'm not saying your MM is doing this but you just never know. I would have never guessed that my OM wasn't truly, whole-heartidly in love with me & would have waited on me forever (as he professed time after time). But i was wrong. It's been a long time since you've really known this man. Just be careful.

[Flyin in Clouds]

Due to your previous post, I believe no one is perfect. ....

 

foolish - a good handle for you...

 

Your H isn't perfect, you're not perfect and neither is the OM... after all he's married and he's chasing someone else's wife. Not only is he dishonorable, not only is he dishonest, not only is he a liar and a cheat, he's willing to help you become dishonest, a liar and a cheat. Yeah, he's a great guy all right. What did you ever see in that jerk?

[foolish23321]

Good point, I actually ended it yesterday, afternoon. It went well. I was very forward, I want to make it work with my H, I am sticking to my guns, and one day into the split the OM is respecting my wishes. I pray he leavs it alone. I suppose its ok to fantasize, but the Fantasy is over. Sometimes you have to hear other perspectives. I see the light, trust me, I am very focused. He did seem perfect, just nostalgia I guess. I will keep the memories, but at this point I am ready to focus on home. Appreciate the advice.

[Trimmer]

Good for you. Good Luck. Don't be afraid to seek out some IC (individual counseling) if you need to work some things out. Just swallowing it down and stuffing it inside isn't always the best; things that are supressed - especially strong emotions - have a way of simmering and coming back out, somehow, some day...

[Marcus as the Peanut]

WILD FLING'S LEFT MY LIFE IN RUINS

27 October 2006

LETTER OF THE DAY

 

Dear MIRIAM,

 

I'VE ruined my life. I'm hoping you can help me fix things.

 

I'm 45 and was married until recently.

 

The whole mess started two years ago when someone I thought was my dream man suddenly appeared in my life. My husband seemed mediocre compared to him.

 

We started an affair and, although I felt guilty about cheating on my husband and two children, I didn't let that stop me.

 

Inevitably, my husband found out and our marriage was history.

 

Unfortunately my relationship with my lover, hot while it lasted, burned itself out almost immediately my divorce became final.

 

My ex-husband has a new woman and I'm insanely jealous. I realise I was a fool and my lover never did measure up to him. My children tell me he's talking about marriage to her. I want him and my old life back. Can I win him back or have I blown it completely?

 

Miriam says...

 

OH dear! You made the classic mistake of dumping a perfectly nice but slightly boring husband for a sexy but unreliable hunk.

 

I'm afraid the odds aren't in your favour as it could take years of patient work to undo the damage now he thinks you're untrustworthy. Your ex-husband seems to have moved on if he's considering marriage again to a woman who really wants and appreciates him, and the point of no return may have been reached already.

 

On the other hand, it might self-combust if it's a relationship on the rebound.

 

In any case, are you sure you really want him and you're not simply reacting to the other woman?

 

Sometimes a woman just doesn't want anybody else to have her man even if, deep down, she really doesn't want him herself.

 

You invested a ton of time, energy and emotion into this relationship. Do you want him because you're on your own?

 

If he means that much to you, then beg him. Tell him you made a huge error of judgment.

 

Really humble yourself and swallow your pride because you're not going to care if you look stupid or sound stupid or even feel stupid - you're going to do whatever it takes to have him back in your life.