luvtoto Posted November 6, 2006 Posted November 6, 2006 I feel so drained, tired and wanting some alone time. Even using some of my vacation time from work today and staying home to recharge myself. I spent another wonderful weekend with my new BF. He stayed over at my house Saturday & Sunday night. Left this morning early for his hour ride home, and then to his job. Last night, I just felt so drained emotionally, and I didn't want to be hugged, or kissed, or whatever anymore. I got kinda moody and bitchy. He ended up going bed before me. By the time, I got to bed, he was sleeping. I DO really like this guy. I like being with him. I can see myself married to him one day. If I screw what we have up, I will never forgive myself. So, why am I feeling so drained by the end of each weekend I spend with him?? By Sunday, his steady hugs, snuggles, and kisses just make me want to be alone more. BUT, hey that's what people do in new relationships. They can't get enough of each other. He's normal, I am not. He's not doing anything wrong. Never feel like he's being intrusive in my home...he's easy to have around and we are already burping and passing gas around each other. Haha! He puts the toilet seat down for me, also. And isn't a 'yes hon' sort of a guy. He's a man's man. For the record, I have NO plans of dumping him. None at all. I would never forgive myself for allowing this man to walk out of my life. He is so perfect for me. I have what I've always wanted starring me in the face right now, I should be happy!! So..why do I feel so drained and fighting for my alone time??
alphamale Posted November 6, 2006 Posted November 6, 2006 So, why am I feeling so drained by the end of each weekend I spend with him?? By Sunday, his steady hugs, snuggles, and kisses just make me want to be alone more. he's smothering you....he must have "nice guy" syndrome... BUT, hey that's what people do in new relationships. They can't get enough of each other. not necessarily....I don't do that. There may be a bit more attention in the first 3 or 4 months but never to extent of smothering. I usually see someone new only once or twice per week for the first 3 months anyways. So..why do I feel so drained and fighting for my alone time?? because you're just not into him that much...
Author luvtoto Posted November 6, 2006 Author Posted November 6, 2006 Alpha, if it comes down to me not being interested in this guy, I will kick my own ass 20 times!! I have GOT to work through these damn issues...it's cyclic.
Art_Critic Posted November 6, 2006 Posted November 6, 2006 I think the guy isn't for you and you have a gut hunch about it so you create the feelings to distance yourself.. Recently I was in a relationship that on paper was perfect.. She had a great job.. her own house.. she was hot..I really liked her kids and enjoyed every minute I spent with her.. We had great sex and were compatibale on so many levels.. But she wasn't what I was looking for for me to be happy. I wanted and needed some things that she couldn't give me and she also had a few things in baggage that I didn't want.. Like an ExH that lived next door and would walk into her house anytime he wanted. and many other things.. I want kids.. She didn't.. On paper is one thing but in real practice she didn't hold up.. over time I distanced myself and wound up breaking up with her because I wanted to be happy.. I think this is the same in your case too
alphamale Posted November 6, 2006 Posted November 6, 2006 Alpha, if it comes down to me not being interested in this guy, I will kick my own ass 20 times!!. I have met and known many men who would be described as "a Man's man" but when push comes to shove they don't know that they need to be 1) very patient, and 2) not desperate....when it comes to women.
Author luvtoto Posted November 6, 2006 Author Posted November 6, 2006 Thanks for sharing, A_C. I have a strong feeling that I am into him, though. I actually opened up to him Saturday night. Which is not like me! Haha. That was significant. I told him about how I was feeling. He said that being having wall up is just the abuse that I've experienced in my life. He told me to just relax. He wasn't going anywhere. Another thing, A_C, he's not a whimpy nice guy. When I was being moody & bitchy around him, he got up and left the room and went to bed. He wasn't gonna just take it. So, my only defense is communication. But, how can I communicate what I don't know. I don't even know what I am feeling half the time.
alphamale Posted November 6, 2006 Posted November 6, 2006 Another thing, A_C, he's not a whimpy nice guy. When I was being moody & bitchy around him, he got up and left the room and went to bed. He wasn't gonna just take it. ha ha h ahah haaa....he went to bed. poor little nice guy could not take it anymore. I would have split, went back to my place and waited for you to call and apoligize, even if it took 4 weeks...
norajane Posted November 6, 2006 Posted November 6, 2006 Maybe it's too much too soon for you. Didn't you have a similar problem with another guy recently, where he was all about giving you lots and lots of attention and you felt smothered and became uninterested in him? Is this a pattern for you with boyfriends? I'd suggest spending less time together so you have your breathing space. The combination of being there for your kids all the time, plus now being around a guy all the time can definitely be draining, especially when you just started seeing this guy. You haven't slowly and incrementally added him to your life - suddenly, he's around all the time - it's a big change that came very quickly.
Author luvtoto Posted November 6, 2006 Author Posted November 6, 2006 Maybe it's too much too soon for you. Didn't you have a similar problem with another guy recently, where he was all about giving you lots and lots of attention and you felt smothered and became uninterested in him? Is this a pattern for you with boyfriends? Yes, this is a pattern with me. I am wanting desperately to break it. Especially now, with him. I'd suggest spending less time together so you have your breathing space. We only spend two days out the week together. Plus, we have minimized our calling time already to two nights a week. I should be satisfied with that. The combination of being there for your kids all the time, plus now being around a guy all the time can definitely be draining, especially when you just started seeing this guy. You haven't slowly and incrementally added him to your life - suddenly, he's around all the time - it's a big change that came very quickly. How much slower can I go with him? Should I cut down to just seeing him two weekends out of the month? If I did that, he would lose interest in me, and think I wasn't interested in him that much.
Art_Critic Posted November 6, 2006 Posted November 6, 2006 If I did that, he would lose interest in me, and think I wasn't interested in him that much. truthfully.. maybe the answer is in your own words.. you have already cut it back to the point your are worried that if you cut it back anymore he will think you aren't interested.. Maybe you really aren't interested in him but interested in having someone that can be some comfort to you. Keep it as staus quo right now and see how the relationship forms.. you can change overnight and maybe you feel will differently as time goes by.. nothing wrong with going slowly.
dgiirl Posted November 6, 2006 Posted November 6, 2006 have you guys got into a predictable routine? Sponateity might help bring back interest for you?
Outcast Posted November 6, 2006 Posted November 6, 2006 Are you that way with people in general? Is it possible that you're an introvert in that you need space because being with people depletes you? If that's the case, then you need to explain that to the BF and figure out how to get some space time for yourself every day even when you're in a relationship.
norajane Posted November 6, 2006 Posted November 6, 2006 Yes, this is a pattern with me. I am wanting desperately to break it. Especially now, with him. We only spend two days out the week together. Plus, we have minimized our calling time already to two nights a week. I should be satisfied with that. How much slower can I go with him? Should I cut down to just seeing him two weekends out of the month? If I did that, he would lose interest in me, and think I wasn't interested in him that much. Maybe you shouldn't have it be such a pattern - calls two nights a week, visits two days a week. Maybe one week there's only one call, another week there's a call and one day visit, the next week a two day visit, then maybe a one day visit, maybe a week with no visits...make it more random, rather than so predictable? The other thing - and you may get angry with me, but I'm going to say it - is that the kids are also draining to your energy and emotional alone time. I know you adore them and they are your life, but consider they might be contributing to your suffocated feeling when combined with a boyfriend too. Perhaps you could make a serious effort to find a sitter so you can go out alone sometime - no kids and no boyfriend - just you doing something for yourself, even if it's just a walk in the park or whatever.
Author luvtoto Posted November 6, 2006 Author Posted November 6, 2006 Are you that way with people in general? Is it possible that you're an introvert in that you need space because being with people depletes you? If that's the case, then you need to explain that to the BF and figure out how to get some space time for yourself every day even when you're in a relationship. Yes, that's it, Outcast! But, why do people exhaust me so much?? I am absolutely LOVING my day off today. I am all alone, and loving it!
Author luvtoto Posted November 6, 2006 Author Posted November 6, 2006 The other thing - and you may get angry with me, but I'm going to say it - is that the kids are also draining to your energy and emotional alone time. I know you adore them and they are your life, but consider they might be contributing to your suffocated feeling when combined with a boyfriend too. Perhaps you could make a serious effort to find a sitter so you can go out alone sometime - no kids and no boyfriend - just you doing something for yourself, even if it's just a walk in the park or whatever. No, my kid's don't drain me. They've known me too long. They can read me, and know when I need my alone time. They are good at entertaining themselves on Sunday afternoons. Just realizing that I've raised my kids that way, puts things into perspective to the amount of serious alone time I need to function in life. Are there any people out there that have had a successful relationship with this issue?
norajane Posted November 6, 2006 Posted November 6, 2006 No, my kid's don't drain me. They've known me too long. They can read me, and know when I need my alone time. They are good at entertaining themselves on Sunday afternoons. Just realizing that I've raised my kids that way, puts things into perspective to the amount of serious alone time I need to function in life. Are there any people out there that have had a successful relationship with this issue? Hmm..missing the point...I must not be explaining it well. Yes, you can handle your kids - they don't drain you - on their own. BUT kids combined with a boyfriend, it's too much for you. You're spreading yourself too thin with both obligations (even though they are both something you desire to have). You only have so much to give so you have to allocate your energy a little differently in order to have a man in your life as well as your kids. You have a finite amount of energy. You can't add a whole other "obligation" without taking away from something else. Right now, you've taken away from your alone time and it's making you crazy. Take a little more time away from the kids so you can have your alone time, and you'll have enough energy for the guy too. Between your work, kids, alone time, and guy - something's gotta give. Today, it was your work that had to give, right? Up to now, it's been your alone time that had to give. So, there's only two things left - the guy and the kids. You either work that out, or you won't have the guy.
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