imconfused Posted November 6, 2006 Posted November 6, 2006 I sometimes don't communicate everything in written word properly, so please let me know if this makes sense. lol I have been married for about a year to my wife. We were together for quite some time before we got married, so I always felt I knew her. However, there have been times when she'll say things to me (you know what I mean -- special things that are suppose to be exclusive to our love.). For example: when we first met, she never believed in the woman following a domestic roll of cooking, cleaning, etc. This was fine... I loved her for who she was then (and now), and I felt it was a small oversight considering how much I loved her. In the past 8 months, though -- she has started to cook and clean the house, and none of this has been an intervention on my behalf. I was shocked when it all started, so I asked her why she suddenly changed her outlook. Her response? She said, ""Our love changed me .... I was never domestic until I fell in love with you, and my opinions and views have changed on the roles husband and wife have. " Yes, I was baffled, but I wasn't going to rock the boat and question anything. Up until that point, I did most of the work around the house, so I was content overall because I was with the person I loved. I'm sure you're thinking 'everything seems fine', so you're probably wondering why I am posting this. Well, I hope I can communicate this effectively -- but we use the same e-mail accounts. Very recently, I stumbled across some old e-mails my wife had stored from her days before meeting me. I found an e-mail that she wrote to a girlfriend, and it was about her now ex-boyfriend. In her letter to this friend, she talked about cooking dinner for her boyfriend, and how she was turning domesticated… her letter was written with joyful expressions of this happening (and she even cracked a joke of poisioning him with her cooking, the same joke she uses with me today). This surprised me to say the least! It takes everything that she said to me and it makes everything seem shallow, like our love wasn’t the real reason for the change, if that makes any sense. It also takes that feeling I've been having -- where certain things she says seem re-hearshed (like she's said / done it all before). I know, it sounds stupid to even post this, but what bothers me is how everything contradicts these intimate ramblings. She claimed that our love made her 'change' , and that she never did it for anyone else. Sad thing is, I have this e-mail stating differently, so now I feel like her words and expressions aren't genuine. I am also wondering what else she 'fabricated'. I am worried she may be one of those people that likes to follow some kind of routine where she says the exact same things to the person she 'loves', just to get what she wants. My worriment is: how can I trust what she says? I'm wondering if the things we say during our initmate life isn't any different than her previous 'relationships'. I'm afraid it's not truely coming from the heart, but I suppose the e-mail I found kinda' answers my concern don't it?
Guest Posted November 6, 2006 Posted November 6, 2006 I think she just lacks imagination. I imagine what happened is that she realized that the guy she changed for last time wasn't worth her doing it - he turned out to be a jerk and she went back to being non-domestic. It's not uncommon to fall in love with someone because you think the person is one sort of person but the person turns out to not be that way at all. You will fall in love with another person who you hope is the sort of person you want and the feelings will be genuine even if similar - and if you've picked the right person, they won't go away. So when she did what she did last time, it was because she thought the guy was what she wanted. If he had been what she wanted, she'd still be with him. So you won. Forget what she did in the past - when she did it, she thought she loved the guy. People do it all the time. She doesn't love him now - she loves you.
Grrlish Posted December 21, 2006 Posted December 21, 2006 Imconfused: I'm an independent, self-confident woman. I don't believe that most people would say that 'domestic' is the first word that comes to mind when they first get to know me. I make cracks to men about not being domestic. I will get a little offended when a man assumes that because I'm a woman, that I do X, Y, and Z domestic things. When, actually, I love to cook and bake. I would even go so far as to say that, in the right circumstances, I would love to work part-time and be a part-time 'home-maker', and take care of my guy! But, at the same time, just writing that almost makes me barf! I think that we don't want to be pegged as domestic because we feel that it robs us of our autonomy and/or independence. We want to be sure that we are choosing to do these things because we want to, for the relationship and for the man that we're in the relationship with. Not because we fall into some category called: Domestic. As for the same jokes, etc., well...I think we all do that sometimes. I crack some of the same jokes with my bf that I've cracked with old flames. Because I think they're funny...not because I'm rehearsing them. I do catch myself, though, and I try not to do it too often because I am, actually, I'm sensitive to the fact that they're re-hash...even if he doesn't know it. Lastly...what in the world are you doing reading her emails??? Tsk, tsk... Look at the silly problem that it exacerbated... Git outta there.
norajane Posted December 22, 2006 Posted December 22, 2006 Every relationship is new and different from previous ones, and tends to make us forget about the previous ones! She probably doesn't even remember her domestic phase with the ex boyfriend and it feels new to her with you.
Walk Posted December 22, 2006 Posted December 22, 2006 Well, my bf calls me sweetie. I know for a fact he called his last ex "sweetie" as a term of endearment. I have a strong suspicion that he's called all his ex's "sweetie". Should I be offended? Or maybe I should assume he doesn't love me as much as he says he does because he used the same term of endearment for me? I'd hazard a guess that you use some of the same jokes, terms of endearment, phrases that you've used on ex's in the past. Why is that such a big deal? Does it mean you love her less? She isn't really all that important to you because you called her dear, when in the past you once refered to your ex with the same word. Hell, you once claimed to love your ex.. I suppose that would mean your words are re-hashed and re-hearsed. You need a kick in the head to wake you up. You're willing to lose your wife, the supposed love of your life because she once said kind of the same thing to a past love? I call my bf dear as a term of endearment. I once called an ex the same thing. You know what... I'm not lying to my bf now. I love him to death. He's all I want. I don't even link my use of the term "dear" with my ex, because I link it with who I love. I"m not picking lines out of a script and faking it all. I just don't connect what happened in a past relationship to the one I'm in NOW. Why do you assume your wife is? Why would she conciously want to link your relationship to one that ended years ago? The only person doing that is you. Long and short of it.. If you don't appreciate what your wife is doing for you then tell her that. Make sure you let her know that you've said or done things with her that you've said/done with ex's, and that she shouldn't believe you. That you were just re-using old phrases because you don't love her, and don't feel its special when you say it to her. (like "i love you") Your insecure. Why?
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