Taming the Player - We layed the cards out

[UGHdating]

First Id like to say THANK YOU to everyone for their advice, it has been so helpful!

 

 

So to continue my story, we laid the cards out. This was after we had sex (which BTW was pretty damn fantastic).... though not right afterwards - god that would be awful, it was actually a few days after. Though after the cards have been flipped, I am still struggling about the relationship.

 

He said he does like me and of course I told him I like him – sheesh that sounds so high school. We both determined that we didn’t want to label it, meaning Boyfriend Girlfriend. I had told him that I did want to have an open relationship, meaning I am dating others, ie going on dates HOWEVER not sleeping around. I do go on dates, but they are usually just one date and that usually because I realize its *ugh* not what I am really looking for. To be honest, I think I only do that and said that because I don’t want to get hurt by this guy so I am keeping my door open. We both determined that if we are sleeping with someone else we would let the other know for safety reasons – though lets be realistic, I don’t think if he was really sleeping with others he would really tell me – no guy does that. Good thing there are condoms. In any case he did mentioned that though we are not labeling this relationship now, he wants me to keep it open for the future that he might want to later – which surprised the hell out of me. And he went on to tell me that though he is unsure of what he wants now, and that he is not really looking for a relationship that if right woman came along he wouldn’t let her go. Guess he was hinting? So you would think I would be happy. However those are just words. And the thing is I really wasn’t that honest about how I really feel as I still don’t think I am ready to be that venerable to him. And the more I think about it and see how things are with him, I know he is going to hurt me. Actions speak louder than words right? The damn phone game he plays is annoying to me now – you know the one where I call, he doesn’t pick up. Or when I text him, it takes forever for him to text me back. And today just topped it off, as I had spent the night at his place, and I had to leave early in the morning as I was meeting with a client and before I left I asked him if I can come by after my meeting to bring him breakfast, and he goes and says – maybe I will call you. And of course he didn’t call. I of course started to think I gave it up too soon, though everyone tells me I didn’t, as it has been about one and half months since we have been dating But again I have no idea what the rules really are of that. At the time it felt right but now I don’t know…. UGH DATING. In any case he supposively is taking me somewhere this Tues\, he specifically told me to keep that day open for him. I think I am going to have to determine what his real intentions are by his actions when I go out with him this week and If I still can’t tell , well, sh*t I dunno.

 

 

The other Post incase you really want to read them:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t103282/

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t102146/

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t101703/

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t101302/

 

[insomnie]

I've been following your threads UGH and I must say I was rooting for you and the player...until I read this last post. Sounds to me like it is moslty he who wants to remain "open" and the only reaosn you go along with it is to save face. Personally, I think that starting out with an "open" relaitonship pretty much guarantees that this will not be a long-term thing, and, unless you're ok with basically being screwbuddies, it that you'll get hurt in a major way.

 

I don't think you should be "happy" with how the conversation went, either. He even told you that if the right girl came along, he'd commit. Then you two agreed not to commit. So unless you were the one actively pushing for opennness, I'd interpret that as him hinting that you are not it. At least hinting that he isn't sure whether getting to know you intimately (aka dating) is worth sacrificing dates and sex with other people. And if heins't sure of that after 1.5 months of steady hanging out, I don't think there is much potential with this guy.

 

Don't waste any more time on him. Unless, of course, you're perfectly ok with this arrangement and can cheerfully accept the fact (and health risks associated with the fact) that he is having sex with and dating other people.

[Walk]

Basically the conversation solidified that you two are going to continue dating others, and you both like each other. That would just leave me more confused.

 

Did you mention dating others first, or did he mention it first?

 

I haven't had enough coffee yet to really think well, so I'm just going to suggest that next time you talk to him tell him he needs to follow through on his word. If he says he'll call, he should call. Or let you know it might not happen so you aren't left hanging. Or just not say he'll call back. I get pretty ticked off when people do that to me. It's inconsiderate.

 

I usually air my problem once, and if there's no change, then I start treating the other person that way. But I'm really passive aggressive, so probably not the best way to go.. I'd suggest you say something.. but not sure if it'll change anything. I think this is a power play on his part. Trying to keep it so he dictates when you two will interact. Not you...

 

I need more coffee....

[Mz. Pixie]

I just do not understand this whole taming the player concept or strategy.

 

The bottom line for me truly is, that if the guy is really into you- you do not have to worry about "taming him" regardless of how big a player he is. Because he'll drop it all for the right girl. I've seen it happen tons of times.

 

If you have to work more than that to get someone, they just basically do not like you as much as you like them, or they would be pursuing you. There is no "yeah, I'll call you" and them not call. Because they'll be calling you because they are afraid you might be calling someone else. Guys are pretty simple in that way, unless they are very shy. And if he's a player he's not shy.

 

All this game playing and BS wouldn't have to happen if he was really into you.

[UGHdating]

To insomnie Thank you for rooting for me. But Yeah, I wasn't happy ( I was being sourcastic) and I think you are right I was saving face. I tend to put on this show that I am Ms tought girl and can handle any dude that comes near me so I wont be in a vurnable positiion.

 

 

TO WALK - Yes I initiated the dating others first - mainly to save face I think, but I am seeing others, not the way I am seeing him, but just going on "one" daters - Does that make sense? But yes I need to dicate when we are going to see each other not when he is free.

 

So I think I will have to see what happens tomorrow, if I even decieded to go out with him.

[nicki]

So, do you want to date ONLY him? If so, you should have told him that, not given him persmission to date others....he will see you as a booty call, not a girlfriend.

 

It's all how you set it up at the beginning of a relationship. Guys tend to put you in categories and keep you there. That's why you should never settle to be less than you want.

 

I find it fairly rare for a guy to date you/sleep with you while dating others and then suddenly commit to you. More than likely, they keep their options open and drop you when the "right" woman comes along. And guess what? She won't give it up until he gets rid of you....so he does.

 

I understand that you were just trying to be cool, relaxed, not too invested, so he would feel non-threatened and be drawn to you. It rarely works out that way.

 

In fact, saying what you want upfront shows you are confident and know what you want. Guys like that. And if he only wanted to have sex with you and just cruised after you said that, then you wouldn't have wasted any time with him.

 

So, how about laying your real cards on the table? Tell him what you want. Don't worry about appearing a certain way. Be yourself. What you want is valid. Don't give away yourself in hopes of taming him. He will grow to disrespect you if you do that.

 

It's been my experience that guys want to commit to me because I am confident and upfront about my worth. I don't sleep with one guy and date others while I wait for the first guy to commit to me. And I don't think you should, either. I only sleep with a guy who is my boyfriend. I want a relationship, and all that it encompasses.

 

Do you really want him to sleep with you without having to put in the effort of a boyfriend?

 

You are way too smart for that. And I'm afraid he will just take advantage of you now that he knows you will allow him to do anything.

 

So, tell him that you have thought about it and want a relationship with him. Don't keep the friends with benefits thing going...he will, but not for the same reason you will.

 

Players need a firm hand. Most women fall all over them and do whatever it takes to be with them. So be different. Think of yourself first and what YOU want.