Liar, Spineless Coward Ending 3 Month Relationship- What Just Happened??

[saturnalia]

I am completely confused and hurt.

 

I was seeing this man for about three months after meeting online. From the beginning, he was not straightforward with me about part of his life He dated me for a few weeks before I discovered he was actually still married and pending legal separation from his wife (he had moved from a distant city a few months before, and she remained there). I was quite upset after I found out but he had assured me that the reason he had not told me was because he really liked me and did not want to scare me off. He professed his "infatuation" with me, was completely attentive. Sex was great, we shared common interests and values, both successful and smart (obviously I am not as smart as I should be considering the way he fooled me) and both expressed happiness and excitement that we had gotten together. We had a great time together and texted constantly. One thing I was a bit taken aback by was his over reliance on the text messages - I found them impersonal, but he was constantly telling me how much he cared about me over the texts and I attributed a lot of the reliance on the texts to his odd hours at work and the convenience of it in the work environment. He repeatedly asked if I was serious about him and not dating anyone else.

 

Fast forward a few weeks, he ended up having to travel back up north due to a parent's cancer and we did not see each other for about two weeks while he was dealing that situation. I had been through a similar situation in my family so I provided supportive messages and was totally understanding. During that time, he continued to communicate with me, said how I should have "good thoughts about US", to trust him, etc. Statements I thought really meant something. He also asked that since we were committed, could I go on birth control. He came back into town for a short respite from the family illness situation after stating how excited he was to see me a, we got together during the day (and enjoyed some protection-less sex, yes were were both Disease-free I'm not that naive). We had planned to spend that entire day together, in fact he had asked me to cancel any other plans. But he had to assist a friend for just a couple of hours, he said, then promised me he would come back by my place later that evening. Well he never showed up nor communicated with me at all, and here I am one week later still reeling from this. I'm a smart professional woman, have dated quite a few guys, and have never been treated so inexplicably, dishonestly, and badly. I won't call him, I can't imagine that. I feel like he was emotionally dishonest with me, handled this like an utter coward and I deserve an explanation.

 

THANKS for letting me vent.

[Guest]

Sounds like something I went through once & it was horrible & very painful. I was in a RL w/a guy for 5

months & then one day "poof"! I never called to get an explanation, I figured what would be the point? If he wanted to be with me, he would be and obviously he didn't so I wasnt about to go chasing after him.

 

But I know exactly what your going through. Confusion, shock, hurt and you question everything a million times over and over in your head. You want closure and you don't have it and it sucks big time.

 

But, if I've learned anything is that sometimes people do not get closure and sometimes there isnt anything you can do about it. Sometimes they just vanish and sometimes you don't even get a warning.

 

But you have to look at it like this - if he wanted to be with you he would. If he cared about your feelings, he would have handled it differently and the fact that he didnt, should tell you something. It should tell you that he's a selfish coward and is not capable of being in a loving relationship. He has his own issues to work on first before he can be the type of man you need and deserve.

 

I suggest waiting it out a few months if you are going to contact him for a means of "closure". That way you will have already moved on and will be strong enough to hear whatever it is he may or may not say and then you can put it behind you. Good luck!

[LakesideDream]

Saturnaila: Sounds like you hooked up with a "rebound" guy.

 

Seriously, you describe yourself as smart, educated, professional woman. You "fell" for a guy who was "infatuated" with you.

 

After just 3 months of dating, he walked away. Isn't that what "dating" is for, to find out if there is a possible long term future?

 

It's time to forget about it. There is no such thing as "closure", that's just a modern metro-buzzword.

[riobikini]

re:

 

Saturnalia: "I'm a smart professional woman, have dated quite a few guys, and have never been treated so inexplicably, dishonestly, and badly. I won't call him, I can't imagine that. I feel like he was emotionally dishonest with me.."

 

Saturnalia, I could have written your post a year ago -I was in a similar position- it's what landed me here in LS.

 

(Smile)

 

First: you'll heal -and that's the *most important* thing.

 

I felt the same way you do, right now: mad at myself for being smart enough to have been able to avoid the whole mess -but learning that it's not exactly about your "smarts", your social standing, your profession, or your financial status, etc.

 

It's about following (even with some hesitation and caution) the lead of a pre-formed idea: what you've always wanted in regards to love -the *real kind*- and tear out a few big chunks of that wall you've probably been building for a few years, at least, and putting your faith to the test in hopes that this person is worth the risk.

 

For me, it was a pursuit of an ideal that I didn't often indulge myself in, by fantasizing about it.

 

But I met someone just like you did- and before I knew it, I was in pretty deep, emotionally.

 

Too bad for me, the person was a total flake, who only *seemed* to have/be what I was looking for.

 

It didn't matter that he was a professional, it didn't matter that he was sophisticated, educated, intelligent, or sensitive about *some* things -he was the quintessential gentlemen -but still, a flake.

 

Slowly learning I had made a terrible, painful mistake was hard to swallow.

 

It hurt my pride, and really confused and damaged (temporarily) my whole perception of romantic relationships for a long time.

 

But even those perceptions were healed and eventually wound up back on track -with *effort*and *time*.

 

You can't stay broken forever -there's too much life out there ahead of you worth living and *enjoying*.

 

Read through the threads/posts in LS by searching your topic -there's a mother-load of advice here that's worth reading.

 

And I sincerely wish you healing and happiness.

 

They're both *still* possible, you know.

 

(Smile)

 

Take care.

 

-Rio

[saturnalia]

thanks, guys.

 

i feel extremely stupid sometimes. lakeside, you're right, i guess i was his "rebound." I was hesitant in trusting this guy at first, but then he poured on the charm and committment talk even after i told him we should takes things slower.

 

it's hard to accept someone saying all the things he said while apparently all the while planning to ditch me in the cruel, spineless way he did. once he got what he wanted sexully mind you. after i gave him another chance following his initial coverup about his relationship status, and he professed to be so grateful to me, how wonderful i was, that he would "never let me down again." ugh.

 

i'm glad i found this board as a way to vent my hurt over the situation. i hurts to open up and trust (i had revealed to him how i was getting over the loss of my previous s.o., who had passed away a year ago). i was hardly clingy nor overemotional with this man; by nature, i am independent (sometimes to a fault). i didn't push committment - he was the one who initiated the talk about my not seeing other guys. i remember just a few weeks ago, i was out at a formal event for work and he texted me about six times asking if i was interested in any guy there and trying to secure a committment. now i know that routine was all to boost his own ego.

 

i have a lot going for me outside of this, and i am trying my best to focus on work and my sport, which gives me confidence and solace.

 

sorry for the long saga, writing helps.

 

oh, for all you other dumpees out there, if you live alone (without roommates as this may seem slightly crazy to them) write annoying habits or unpleasant traits on post its and stick them around the office or bathroom. i am reminding myself about how the ex overuses profanity, lacks an intelligent vocab., was a one-trick pony in the sack, and wears Abercrombie t-shirts with goofy slogans more befitting a teenager than a 30 year old.

[Craig]

But he had to assist a friend for just a couple of hours, he said, then promised me he would come back by my place later that evening. Well he never showed up nor communicated with me at all, and here I am one week later still reeling from this.

So do you know if he is alive and well or are you speculating that he dumped you?

 

I'm sorry but something is missing here. Did you try and call him and say 'hey, where are you it's getting late?'

[saturnalia]

It's a week later, and he's well enough to be checking into the online personals site which indicates he was online checking personals messages on Nov. 2. He also changed the text of the personals profile in an attempt to attract someone new. yes, he's moved on, and I should have done so two months ago.

[Craig]

It's a week later, and he's well enough to be checking into the online personals site which indicates he was online checking personals messages on Nov. 2. He also changed the text of the personals profile in an attempt to attract someone new. yes, he's moved on, and I should have done so two months ago.

So are you saying that you didn't call him or contact him at all since the last time you saw him?

[saturnalia]

Craig - He promised he would come by later (he had previously told me he wanted to spent all of sunday together). something came up with a friend he had to help, or so he said. he had to go for a couple hours, he told me he wanted to spend time with me that night, that would come back and he never showed up nor call or texted the next day. which turned into a week, with no call from him. what was i supposed to do, give him a call and ask "so am I correct in assuming that you're ditching me???"

[Craig]

what was i supposed to do, give him a call and ask "so am I correct in assuming that you're ditching me???"

Saturnalia, I only know that if I was waiting for my SO to return and they didn't then I would have called them to find out what is going on.

 

I'm speculating here but maybe the bf in question was testing you (not a good thing) to see if you would call him and demonstrate your interest in the relationship. I don't agree with tests like these but maybe he felt like he was doing all the initiating and you just weren't interested in the relationship. If this was a test on his part then he had his suspicions confirmed and decided to move on.

 

Free and open communication in the relationship may have resulted in a more palatable outcome for both of you.

 

I don't agree with him keeping his relationship status a secret from you and agree with you that it was dishonest. That was the first red flag that you spoke of, the texting and need(iness) to know how you felt about him was IMO the second and third red flags.

[PussInHeels]

I agree that in a healthy relationship you don't take turns calling; when it's time for someone to make a move, sometimes you do it even if you're the one expecting a call. But with that train of thought, then why didn't he call you within a week? Perhaps if you had called him, you would have met up and things would have been ok. But, look at how it turned out. You still haven't heard from him, and unless he's injured or detained, that means he doesn't want you to hear from him, for whatever reason.

 

There was no reason to prolong this relationship, and if what you say is true, you are not to blame, as you are the one who was ditched without explanation. No explanation given usually means that there just isn't one, at least one that is justifiable. I think the greater break in communication falls on an individual who can not communicate their feelings and their wishes to end a relationship.

[saturnalia]

Again, we were apart for two weeks before the last day we saw each other (the day when ditched me), because of the illness in his family. I was extremely supportive during that time, telling him how I would be there for him, how i missed him. I would have understood if he wanted to chill, given the family circumstance and being apart, but he was adamant about how much he missed me and how he looked forward to coming to "spend a few days with me." So he came into town, was with me for just a few hours, and then bailed.

 

I feel like texting him to ask him why he was so cold about it, and let him know how he screwed with me, but feel that would be pointless and just throw salt in my wound.

[Ssheena]

Ahh, you have run into the unfortunately not endangered species of the "spineless, balless, male"

 

There used to be a link of the disgruntled housewife.com site called the Dick list - they don't update it enough or anymore but that's where this guy needs to go. Wouldn't that be great? For males and females? A place where you could go to check out your potential date/boyfriend/girlfriend and read their reviews????

 

Please do not waste anymore time on him he isn't worth a rat's ass. I wouldn't be at all surprised if he was still trying to get back with his wife and/or had another girlfriend at the same time. A 110% loser.

 

Chalk that one up to - oops, that was a mistake, not doing that again. Learn from it and he's not worth (Really, really, really) a nanosecond more of your time.

 

I do like your idea of post its all over with things written on them. I can see it now...One trick pony in the sack... on the fridge, on the computer screen, on the mirror etc.

[saturnalia]

This guy definitely lacks balls when it comes to communication or emotions. He's trolling around the internet looking for ladies he can text some BS to, while he can't hold an upfront conversation. At least, with guys like him, we can have some satisfaction in knowing that this type of man is unlikely to be capable of a truly honest, supportive, satisfying intimate relationship. Maybe in ten years he'll wake up, bald and fatter (his spare tire is already increasing in size), and wonder why no one is responding to his pathetic internet personal ad.

[D-Lish]

Have you considered the possibility that he lied to you about getting seperated? That maybe he was still married and looking to have an affair?

 

I have had this happen to me. I dated someone for 5 months, and he had been using a seperate cell phone to use for having affairs. He always had excuses about going away for a while... then I found out he was married.

 

It sucks. But, that might be the case. Him going away to deal with a sick family member could have just been a lie....

 

Be glad he isn't in your life anymore. A guy like that is never going to give you any closure to work with...

 

What a jack-#ss!

D

[riobikini]

re:

 

Saturnalia: " At least, with guys like him, we can have some satisfaction in knowing that this type of man is unlikely to be capable of a truly honest, supportive, satisfying intimate relationship. Maybe in ten years he'll wake up, bald and fatter (his spare tire is already increasing in size), and wonder why no one is responding to his pathetic Internet personal ad."

 

(Smiling as I read your post.)

 

Like his genius online predecessors, he'll probably just learn how to be more sleek, clever, and adept at his skills (which will get him practically nowhere in life) -although, he will, no doubt, enjoy the brief episodes he continues to cultivate online up until that spare tire of his coincides (expectedly, to everyone except him) with the reality of his balding noggin and sagging rear.

 

In a short few months you probably won't care that he's heading for inevitable misery later on in life -and if you ever bump into him again- you'll likely react like most people who realize they were temporarily insane: with a slight twinge of sympathy for his pathetic end, a weird kind of panicky embarrassment, an automatic scan for the quickest exit, and then look for the nearest, safest place you can find to pull yourself together (a bathroom, no less), look yourself dead in the mirror and reassure yourself that you will *never* be that naive again!

 

(I've been there; done that.)

 

(Smile)

 

Take care.

 

-Rio

[daphne]

Saturn,

 

I think we've all been there with some lying jackass at one point or another. What I took from it was not to allow a guy to railroad me into rushing into a relationship. There's always a reason when they're in a hurry and it's never a good one. When I take my time I can see the bs or incompatibilities before I get physically involved. I can rule them out before they can do any damage or I get attached. And honestly, I think the vast majority need to be ruled out.

 

I hope you feel better. And you did the right thing by not calling him to see why he hadn't called you. You'd feel like a huge putz.

[saturnalia]

Thanks, everyone. I am feeling better already. I am making peace with the fact that I will never know what this guy's issue was, why he lied the way he did. My assumption is that he simply wanted me to express interest in committing to him for purely ego-boosting reasons stemming from his separation. He had no qualms in messing with my mind after I confided in him that I wanted to go slow after the recent hurt I was (and still am) recovering from.

 

Oh well, we live and we learn, right. I'll get over this. I made a mistake by falling for someone who worked to win my trust and lied to me. But if you are never open to trust in the future then you could miss out on a great thing.

[riobikini]

re:

 

Saturnalia: "..My assumption is that he simply wanted me to express interest in committing to him for purely ego-boosting reasons stemming from ..."

 

Stemming from whatever it is that he chooses to use as an excuse for his continuing poor behavior, Saturnalia.

 

And -yes- it's the confirmation, validation, and adoration from other people that he's actually romancing.

 

Chances are the truth is, he doesn't truly even *like* himself (even though it may appear he worships his very image), and he *needs* someone (perhaps, many "someones") to keep reminding him how "wonderful" he is: thus the online "Date-mill" that he's apparently addicted to.

 

Stop worrying yourself about it -you've discovered the truth in time.

 

-Rio