tanbark813 Posted November 13, 2006 Posted November 13, 2006 I've snooped on 3 gf's. In all 3 cases the snooping led me to find out they cheated on me. I don't regret it at all since I may never have found out about the cheating, and it just confirmed my suspicions. It also made me feel better in that I knew I wasn't just paranoid. But I will also say that once you find yourself in a position where you feel the strong urge to snoop, then there is probably a good reason for that. Listen to your gut. I've never had a gf snoop in my email that I know of. If it were to happen, I don't think I'd be all that upset. I don't have anything to hide. One of my exes also used the "I'm a private person" line. I think when someone says they're "private", what they really mean is "secretive".
magichands Posted November 13, 2006 Posted November 13, 2006 I don't have anything to hide. You should start a nude band. The music can take a back seat.
allina Posted November 13, 2006 Posted November 13, 2006 I've snooped on 3 gf's. In all 3 cases the snooping led me to find out they cheated on me. I don't regret it at all since I may never have found out about the cheating, and it just confirmed my suspicions. It also made me feel better in that I knew I wasn't just paranoid. You've broken in to the e-mail accounts of 3 gfs?!?? What actions on the gf's part made you suspicious enough to do that? Or do you think it's an acceptable action in a relationship no matter what? I don't get how people even really get cought cheating in e-mails. Is everyone e-mailing people about their cheating?
tanbark813 Posted November 13, 2006 Posted November 13, 2006 You should start a nude band. The music can take a back seat. Nobody would be able to sit in the front row at our shows. I'd end up taking some eyes out. What actions on the gf's part made you suspicious enough to do that? I don't want to hijack the thread, but it was mainly little things that just didn't add up. Holes in stories, lies, etc... If you pay attention to details, liars always end up tripping up on their story somewhere along the line. I have old posts on here about the situations. Or do you think it's an acceptable action in a relationship no matter what? I don't think it's acceptable no matter what. Like I said, if you get to the point you feel you need to, then there's probably a good reason for that. I don't get how people even really get cought cheating in e-mails. Is everyone e-mailing people about their cheating? Basically. In all three cases there was at least one email from the other guy. In one of the cases the other guy was actually a second bf.
Art_Critic Posted November 13, 2006 Posted November 13, 2006 But I will also say that once you find yourself in a position where you feel the strong urge to snoop, then there is probably a good reason for that. Listen to your gut. Word... This goes for any kind of snooping.. not only email.
allina Posted November 13, 2006 Posted November 13, 2006 if you get to the point you feel you need to, then there's probably a good reason for that. I see where you're coming from, I just think that if a relationship gets to a point where you feel like you need to, it's OVER
tanbark813 Posted November 13, 2006 Posted November 13, 2006 I see where you're coming from, I just think that if a relationship gets to a point where you feel like you need to, it's OVER I agree. At the time, though, I needed that extra validation.
magichands Posted November 13, 2006 Posted November 13, 2006 I see where you're coming from, I just think that if a relationship gets to a point where you feel like you need to, it's OVER Nice philosophy, but it's human nature to want proof.
allina Posted November 13, 2006 Posted November 13, 2006 Nice philosophy, but it's human nature to want proof. True, I've just never been in the situation myself
Author miss snoopy Posted November 13, 2006 Author Posted November 13, 2006 One of my exes also used the "I'm a private person" line. I think when someone says they're "private", what they really mean is "secretive". This is so true. I too have nothing to hide, but then I don't store emails like my ex. If he went trhough all my emails I don't think I'd die, like he may do if he knew I went through his. There are so many things he's lied about, little things which have no bearing on the relationship but if he can lie about them, he can lie about bigger things! I hear what you're all saying - the yays and nays - but in my case it wasn't even a suspicion he was cheating, it was a suspicion that our relationship wasn't working not because of anything inherently wrong with it, but because he hadn't gotten over his ex. It's weird, if the ex posted her story here on LS everyone will slag him off, feel pity for her and urge her to go NC immediately, so I really shouldn't have seen her as a threat. And regarding his affectionate emails to her, well, maybe he's one of these people who tells certain people what they want to hear, because if he still felt strongly about her he'd be with her, or at least talking to his family and mates about her not about me as he did (and still does) So maybe I read too much in those emails, which supports the argument that it's better to learn to trust than use this sort of one sided evidence.
magichands Posted November 13, 2006 Posted November 13, 2006 So maybe I read too much in those emails, which supports the argument that it's better to learn to trust than use this sort of one sided evidence. I think you should be given every reason to trust, though. Trusting everyone from square one in a relationship is, once again, nice philosophy - but dangerous without perfect intuition.
Author miss snoopy Posted November 13, 2006 Author Posted November 13, 2006 I think you should be given every reason to trust, though. Trusting everyone from square one in a relationship is, once again, nice philosophy - but dangerous without perfect intuition. This is so true - if I had gone in and seen that he was politely discouraging her from contacting him and telling her he'd met someone and was happy, I'd have felt foolish and then trusted him 100%. But I saw the opposite...
Walk Posted November 13, 2006 Posted November 13, 2006 I believe, in todays society, that a person has to prove they are trustworthy. I don't just hand it over any more. I've gotten burned waaaaaayyy too often to be that stupid again. Anyway, I think actions have to follow words, and in todays technologically driven society it's harder to "see" the actions sometimes. Corporations get around this by monitoring email by their employee's. Parents put safe guards on their computers. Governments search hard drives for incriminating evidence. Yet what is the lay person supposed to do? We can't "see" their actions, so we are supposed to just "trust" that they are doing as they say they are. Not saying it's right to snoop. Just saying that technology today can be a very tempting method for the untrustworthy to use to hide behind.
Author miss snoopy Posted November 13, 2006 Author Posted November 13, 2006 Hi again Walk! Couldn't agree more - trust needs to be earned. I know someone walking about with an STD she can't get rid of thanks to misguided trust. And she bizarrely doesn't have any hard feelings towards the man even though he was fully aware he had the STD before gettling together with her - people eh? Changing tack a bit, a little story - I had a strange online experience once. I joined a website for like minded people (to protect my anonymity I won't say what the focus was) but I started exchanging emails/private messages with these 3 "really nice" girls who had loads in common with me. We ended up getting closer and closer, sharing stuff, one of them even used to say how much she loved me, I was like her sister.. When I eventually met them, only one - the one who was the least affectionate and most matter of fact - lived up to the promise. One of them won't even make eye contact and the "friendship" ended then. The other would never say much face to face but continued being very gushy and friendly online. I'm not sure what my point is, but anyone reading our emails would have gotten a very different picture of what the "friendships" were about. I can see how that may translate into "online relationships". Not really in my case, as the protagonists have dated, but in other cases where someone has been messaging another person they haven't met, then a lover/spouse happens upon half the story and immediately fears the worst. I posted about email kisses last night - I very rarely send kisses to my closest friends when I email them but think nothing about sending loads to someone I've known online for 3 days. There certainly are downsides to over-analysing things and if one is prone to this, maybe email snooping is the worst thing they can do to themselves!
lindya Posted November 13, 2006 Posted November 13, 2006 True, but I don't think he's labelling me just because he's a nasty person. I think of an email I once sent my sister about my brother, I was really angry with him then and if he ever reads the contents I don't think he'll ever speak to me again. I have had people say not very nice things about me which have somehow come back to me and I can't continue blaming everyone else for seeing me in a negative light a lot of the time - my ex for e.g. had an email from his parents during this recent reconciliation where it was obvious from what they said about me that he had been happily telling them about us getting back together. Ditto his excited emails to his mates telling them how great I was and how happy we were. Then whoosh, one evening, everything unravels. Story of my life. Story of a lot of people's lives, MS. When things unravel, they often do so with speed and apparent unpredictability. I don't know you, so it's impossible to know whether it tends to happen more to you than it does to any other person...but it does sound as though you're being a bit down on yourself just now.
Rooster_DAR Posted November 13, 2006 Posted November 13, 2006 I've snooped on 3 gf's. In all 3 cases the snooping led me to find out they cheated on me. I don't regret it at all since I may never have found out about the cheating, and it just confirmed my suspicions. It also made me feel better in that I knew I wasn't just paranoid. But I will also say that once you find yourself in a position where you feel the strong urge to snoop, then there is probably a good reason for that. Listen to your gut. I've never had a gf snoop in my email that I know of. If it were to happen, I don't think I'd be all that upset. I don't have anything to hide. One of my exes also used the "I'm a private person" line. I think when someone says they're "private", what they really mean is "secretive". Yup, my EX used the "I'm a private person line" when we were going through our ordeal. Fact is, I caught her lying about evertying and she was covering up cheating with all of this. Like I stated, I think snooping is justifiable under certain circustances. True, there are problems in the relationship more than likely, but I'm not going to let someone violate and otherwise make a fool out of me. Given solid intuition, I say do some detective work and quit prolonging the inevitable. I also agree with one of the other posters, if you have nothing to hide why you should you mind if the other person wants to validate their feelings. I would not mind if my G/F did this if I had nothing to hide. Of course, I we would have to sit down and iron out why the mistrust presented itself though. Regards, Regards,
forgotten1 Posted November 21, 2006 Posted November 21, 2006 Well, I recently lost a gf due to my insecurity and snooping. During a bad fight, she blurted out her email and myspace passwords and TOLD me to check up on her if I wanted to. I didn't do it for awhile. A couple weeks later I got curious and checked. There was an email to her freind saying how she wanted to break up with me, and tearing me down in every way possible. Of course I brought this to her attention. I ended up looking like the wrong one since I checked her email. She said she never expected me to use the passwords, it was just for piece of mind...yeah right. We broke up for a coouple days after that. A few weeks later things were still going bad and I decided to check her myspace. I found some questionable things there. Some things were said to guys freinds that I would NEVER say to a female friend. There wasn't anything indicating cheating, but the intentions were not right. Well, I told her about that too. Of course she flipped, and I ended up the bad guy again. I couldn't trust her, and when I had access to these things, it was like a drug. I couldn't tear myself away. I was looking for answers. Even though I found some things, I regret doing it in a way. I mean, I don't feel bad for looking since SHE gave me the passwords and didn't change them. I do feel bad for hurting her and breaking her trust for me. We broke up a day or 2 later and have been since with NC. When we parted we parted peacefully, so its been really hard. I don't recommend snooping. I wish I had talked to her more about things, but it seemed at the time that I did, and nothing was changing. At the time I felt it was my only hope. I probably should have just walked away. Now the only thing I fight with is trying not to contact her. I don't know if I ever will, but I want to every second. I've been through allot of long relationships that ended. this was the shortest of my longer ones (6 months) and its taken me more to recover than any of the rest...
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