reservoirdog1 Posted November 5, 2006 Posted November 5, 2006 A few months ago I ended a relationship with somebody I'd been seeing for about four months. We've kept in contact since then, mostly at her instigation. I wasn't averse to the idea because I do like her very much as a person and I'm not the kind of person who very easily cuts people out of his life after I've forged a connection with them. I ended the relationship because she was moving too fast emotionally. And with that came what I can only describe as "clinginess" and "neediness". Which are terms laden with negativity but I don't ascribe bad motives to her. She was a great person, intelligent, fun to be with, beautiful, all of that. And she still is. Anyway, we kept in touch mostly by email. Two weeks ago, we got together one night on a "friends" basis. There was still a great connection between us, mutual attraction, and the sexual tension was so thick we could have cut it with a knife. But in spite of that, we both behaved ourselves and nothing physical happened. We talked a lot about what happened, what went wrong, how things became too serious too soon, how we lost sight of the need to spend the first part of a relationship having fun and getting to know each other. We even talked about the idea of continuing to have "dates" in the future... the unspoken message was, like this get-together but maybe with a bit more. Since then, I've begun to revisit the idea (though I haven't talked to her about it) of trying things again with her. Since we ended things a few months ago, there's been a part of me that wondered if I was making a huge mistake: I wasn't in love with her yet, but there was a great connection between us, great sexual chemistry, more than I've experienced with any woman in the last three years. Was that enough to stay with and build something long-term? When I ended things I wasn't sure about that, but I was pretty sure I was doing the right thing by ending it -- I didn't want to hurt her more by dragging things out. I'm pretty sure she'd go for it in a heartbeat. And one of the things that makes it most tempting for me, is that I realized that, during those four months that we were together, I was genuinely happy most of the time, until the last two weeks or so. About three weeks ago -- before she and I got together on a "friends" basis -- I slept with somebody else. She's a woman from out of town, who I became friends with about a year ago. We'd met online via a divorce support board, became friends, met up about a year ago with couple of other people from the same board. Kept in contact, she came up a few weeks ago to visit (was supposed to be coming with the other two we'd met up with a year ago but they cancelled). Went out on the town, one thing led to another. However, like I said she lives out of town, has her life and her kids there, and mine are all here. Nothing's going to develop with her. So, with that background out of the way, here's my question. If things strike up again with the first woman, should I tell her that I slept with somebody else in the intervening period? The biggest part of me says no. It's not her business who I dated or slept with if we were broken up (and not just "on a break" -- far as I was concerned then, we were finished). Besides, I know that she went on a couple of casual dates during that period as well. And with the woman from out of town, I played it safe. But, there's also a part of me that says I should tell her -- and that may be because I'm an honest guy for the most part and, knowing what I know of her, SHE'D probably want to know. Though it may hurt her. Thoughts, anybody? Thanks.
melodymatters Posted November 5, 2006 Posted November 5, 2006 Being an honest guy is one thing. Telling people every damn little thing is quite another. As you were broken up, it is NOT her business and will only possibly cause pain and problems, so Just let it go. In this case, since you werent ' cheating" what she doesn't know won't hurt her is a perfectly acceptable way of thinking.
dgiirl Posted November 5, 2006 Posted November 5, 2006 If you guys were not together, it's not necessarily her business. For me, it would be an unspoken assumption that if we were not together, you could be with other people. It's none of my business. The ONLY thing where it would concern me is if you _did_ sleep with someone, the actual act and your history, if you were protected, and if you got tested or not, etc. Not necessarily who, why and when, but the actual details where it concerns my decision to sleep with you. If you want to tell her, that's a different story. You can simply tell her that you were seeing people during your break, but you dont need to go into specific details.
Adunaphel Posted November 5, 2006 Posted November 5, 2006 I would let her know. Perhaps not in a serious "we have to talk" fashion, just say/mention it as a "just for the record" fact. Why hiding things you do not have to hide?
johan Posted November 5, 2006 Posted November 5, 2006 Hey there, Mr. Great, if she did a guy or two while you were apart, would you want to know? I made the mistake of telling my ex I was with someone else while we were broken up, and that was what killed our chances of reconciling. Not that there was much hope anyway, but my honesty was more of a hassle than a noble thing. It was none of her business. I didn't owe that to her.
Author reservoirdog1 Posted November 5, 2006 Author Posted November 5, 2006 Hey there, Mr. Great, if she did a guy or two while you were apart, would you want to know? "Mr. Great"? You mean like "Mr. White" and "Mr. Pink"? Honestly, I don't think I'd want to know if she was with anybody during that period. Would it bug me if I knew she had been? Not sure. But it seems that some things are best left unsaid. And I take to heart what you described with your own honesty with regard to your ex. In the brief period when my cheating XW and I talked about trying again, she knew I'd already been with somebody else. That bugged her for months afterwards, even after all attempts at reconciliation had stopped.
Mz. Pixie Posted November 6, 2006 Posted November 6, 2006 I wouldn't tell her as long as you were protected and there is no chance of passing any happies around. While I usually advocate honesty- my husband told me he'd had a threesome- way before he met me- and it genuinely still bothers me. I'm not bitter about it, but I think about it alot, and I would rather that he never have told me that.
Stunner Posted November 6, 2006 Posted November 6, 2006 I wouldn't..you were broken up. You seem like an honest guy good for you. If you do start seeing this woman again communicate with her about the anxiety you feel about moving forward too quickly....if it happens again then the potential relationship may be problematic.
cutegirl Posted November 6, 2006 Posted November 6, 2006 I would want to know, because I can't make a decision on if I want to be with someone if I don't have all the facts. I always like to know the truth even if it's painful because I don't like to live in a lie. I want to know all the sordid details. And if based on that I choose not to be with a person, I feel it's still my perogative to do so. For some reason I feel sexual history is important and yes someone's sexual history usually does make a difference in whether I want to be with someone or not. Chances are if a bf of mine slept with someone on a breakup I would not get back with him, but I would need all the facts first before I could make that decision. I know it's logical to expect people to sleep with other people during a break up, but even so I don't think I could deal with it, but I would still want to know so I can make the decision to not be with him for that reason.
CurvyGurl Posted November 6, 2006 Posted November 6, 2006 I would say, no it's not her business. You weren't dating her. She'll probably be dumb enough to ask. Ask her if she really wants to know the answer to that question. If she pushes, then tell her. I wouldn't offer up the information. She'll only ask because she's jealously curious.
Craig Posted November 6, 2006 Posted November 6, 2006 If it's eating you up inside and is going to impact your relating to her then you should tell her. If she isn't the girl for you that will be a deal breaker for her. On the other hand if she asks you if you slept with anyone else while you and she were broken up is that a red flag for you to notice? I guess that depends upon her motivations in asking and what she'll do with the information. In my opinion if I'm broken up with someone and they sleep with someone else then it's none of my business. If we get back together and I wouldn't be asking them about their personal and private life. It's not a secrecy issue, it's a privacy issue.
alphamale Posted November 6, 2006 Posted November 6, 2006 We've kept in contact since then, mostly at her instigation. I wasn't averse to the idea because I do like her very much as a person and I'm not the kind of person who very easily cuts people out of his life after I've forged a connection with them.. you need to re-assess your above philosophy. you should never, ever stay "friends" with an ex-lover no matter who did the dumping. The only exception is if you both procreated.
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